Reverse

Thursday's visit with Mike was a tad better than last week. At least he walked with me. He didn't really want to, but once I got him moving he did fairly well. It was in the 40's and sunny, so I put his jacket on before we started walking. We didn't stay long, but at least he was able to sit in the sun for 10 minutes and breathe some crisp air.

When I pulled into the parking lot, I was directly facing his room and could see him rocking back and forth through the window. That's a sign of agitation or being uncomfortable or ???  Once in the room, I could see that his left leg was working up and down as his upper body rocked forward and back. So restless.

I spoke with the RN and asked if she would contact the Psych NP - Mike needs something to calm him.  When he first arrived at AH&R, the Psych. doctor took him off of Haldol immediately. Lots of facilities won't even take a person who is on Haldol and they were hesitant, but agreed to take him anyway. I was not sorry to see it go and asked if we could later try taking him off of Amantadine. That was done also. Neither of these seemed to affect Mike's behavior or comfort level, so the Psych. NP increased the Depakote. The nurses and I thought Mike seemed to get more agitated with the increase over a 3 week span. That's when the NP recommended putting Mike on Namenda and if he tolerated that well, then after a month or so we would begin to titrate down on the Depakote which was done slowly and then about 2 weeks ago stopped completely. It didn't work.

I was so impressed with this RN. She immediately called the NP and came back with an answer within 10 minutes or less. They are going to start Mike back on the Depakote.  I do think he was calmer when he was on a smaller dose of Depakote along with the Namenda. It's all trial and error.

Maybe now the gnawing feeling that the medication is a big part of the problem will go away. I've always wondered what he would be like if he were taken off of everything, but no one has wanted to try to do that in the past 5 years. At least here they dropped two and tried to drop a third. There was a small window in there where Mike was better than he is now. I hope putting him back on a smaller dose of Depakote will get us back there. Just watching him is exhausting, so I can't imagine how he makes it through the day. He really has no choice. That makes it so HARD! If only he could say how he is feeling or what he needs, but he cannot. Coveting your prayers for wisdom for the nurses, doctors, NP and me.

God's blessings to you all.

Conquerors

Visits with Mike the past few weeks have been discouraging. The omming is like a constant itch that you can't reach and thus the relief of a good scratch can't be realized. Doctors and nurses call it his self-soothing or comfort habit, but I often think Mike would gladly give it up, if he could. There are times when I sense that he is exhausted by his constant verbal companion, Mr. Omm, yet is powerless against him.

Two weeks ago, even though he could not interact with me verbally, he did walk with me a lot. It was too cold to go outside, so we kept the halls busy. He wanted to go outside, but every time we passed his room and I tried to maneuver him into his room to get a jacket, he stubbornly kept moving down the hall. Then when we would come to the door to go outside, it was a struggle to get him to turn around. Last week, with the help of the CNA, we put his jacket on before we tried to get him up to walk and then he refused to walk. Sigh... I coaxed him to the door of his room and then he started walking backwards to his chair. After a few attempts, I gave up.

I try to remember my counselor's wise advice and have "no expectations", but I have battled discouragement and anxiety more in the past several days. While I want to go see him, when the visits are like this, it is a struggle to go. I appreciate your prayers for us both.

Mr. B. continues to struggle to breathe. He has had at least one trip to the hospital due to pneumonia and is having breathing treatments still. Please pray for him too.

I spend time with the Lord every morning, and there are always nuggets of truth that keep me going even when I am discouraged. Here are a couple of verses that have been meaningful recently.

Romans 8:37

No, in all these things

we are more than conquerors

 through him who loved us.

In and of myself, I would be defeated, lost in my anguish 

and the anxiety that threatens to pull me under. 

Yet, because of Christ who loves us and gives us the victory, we are conquerors of those things that attempt to take our breath away and suck all of the life right out of us. We can be triumphant over the enemy who wants to throw us down and smear mud in our face. 

Psalm 37:4

Delight yourself in the Lord,

and He will give you

the desires of your heart.

Delighting comes before desires. My job is to delight or please the Lord. My concern should be always to bear witness for Him, think of Him first, please Him, glorify Him in all things and at all times. He knows my desires, but those are of secondary importance. I've walked with the Lord long enough to know that when my desires claim my attention, then my gaze has shifted and the desolation and problems soon take over and drag me down. Only when I delight in the Lord Jesus can His desires become mine and calmness be restored even when my situation remains the same. He is my refuge in the storm. 

I also need exercise and friends. Having my mind on Christ and the ability to move, stretch, and walk, plus walking with a friend where conversation is non-stop or talking with friends on the phone, anxiety melts away. God doesn't leave us to walk our hard paths alone. He is with us and He brings others along beside. If you are struggling through a difficult season, I encourage you to get into God's word every day; stretch, move, or walk; and seek out a friend (or friends) to share the path with you. This life is difficult and we need each other to stay strong in the Lord and stay out of the mire.

So GO! Delight yourself in the Lord

and be a mighty conqueror in Jesus' name!

Holding Hands

Two weeks ago today, Mike and I were able to walk outside and sit in the sun and he actually held my hand instead of pushing me away. He didn't speak much, but as we were walking outside, I asked him if he wanted to sit in the shade or the sun and he came out with "I want to sit in the sun!" All of his words come out loud and with force, as if it takes a lot of effort. That was about all he said, but the drive had made me sleepy and so we both enjoyed sitting quietly in the sun with our eyes closed for about 20 minutes. I had forgotten that I had put Mike on the schedule to have his hair cut that day, but after lunch the hair stylist came looking for us. Mike was having a calm day and cooperated well; therefore, received a good haircut. It was a good day.

Last week he didn't stop ommming until we were outside. He walks with the aid of a walker and was maneuvering better than previously. He was actually going around people and things on his own with minimal prompting. Again we walked to the outside deck and sat in the sun. As soon as we sat down he looked right at me and asked "Can you take me home!?" I'm sorry, no. You are improving, but still need to get better. Since he was having a good day, we called and he spoke with his Mom and our sons.

As we were going back to his room, he strongly maneuvered toward the barber shop room. Mr. Ommm was in full command and nothing I said or did made any difference. It is amazing how strong he still is. He actually got in the room and the stylist was about to call for assistance when I finally managed to get him turned around and out the door. Once on his hall, his favorite CNA told me that he spoke to her and asked for a drink of water a few days prior. Now that is new! At The Harbor I don't think he ever talked to the staff or asked for anything. Mr. B said Mike has spoken to him also, or said things out loud during the night. I really believe it is helpful to Mike being in a room with someone who talks to him and looks out for him. It might also be why Mike has spoken to the staff. I know he hears Mr. B. requesting things, so he is possibly mimicking what he has heard. Cognitively he is having moments of more clarity, so I think the new medication has had a positive effect.

Please keep Mr. B in your prayers. He is on oxygen 24/7 and is battling pneumonia right now. He has not looked well for the past couple of weeks. Today his breathing seemed better, but he was feeling down in the dumps.

It was a rough day for Mike today. Mr. Ommm was in constant control and Mike was quite antsy. He did some things today that really show he doesn't know what he is doing. We did walk a couple of times, but he only sat for about a minute outside before he popped up and walked again. No holding hands today. No words or sentences. Mr. B. said Mike had been like that the past 3 or 4 days.

For the past year and a half, I have led a Bible Study on the book of Acts. I learned so much from God's word and from my fellow study members. I listened to Dr. R. C. Sproul's sermon series on Acts as part of my preparation in which Dr. Sproul included an Epilogue. This past Sunday morning, we finished our study and then gathered together for supper Monday night and I shared the Epilogue from II Timothy 4 where Paul knows that he will soon be departing this life and entering his new life.

II Timothy 4:6 & 7

"For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, 

and the time has come for my departure. 

I have fought the good fight,

I have finished the race,

I have kept the faith."

Today I was reminded of what Dr. Sproul said regarding verse 7. Fight the good fight - As Christians we are not to be argumentative and quarrelsome, but we are to contend for the faith - the good fight. Like a boxer, to be a contender, you have to fight and win several fights before you are considered a contender. Mike and I have fought through several "fights" since his accident 6.5 years ago and we are still fighting. We are contenders. This is no 100 yard dash. This is a marathon. Our race is not finished yet, we must keep running. Slow, endurance running, keep going, don't give up, don't quit. There will be a finish line one day. Keep the faith. Like a soldier, fidelity to the General. A good soldier does not give up when the battle rages close upon him. Paul never changed his message even when beaten, ship-wrecked, imprisoned, chained. He stood strong for the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the word of God in the midst of battle. Pleasing man was not his concern, pleasing and honoring and glorifying God was of utmost importance. May Mike and I keep that kind of faith til our last breaths. Standing strong as witnesses for Jesus, God's word, and our marriage even when we are in the midst of the hardships of emotional, physical and spiritual battle. 

It is a good fight. The Lord is always by our side and with Him we can persevere.

Medicaid Approved, yes? No?...Yes? No?....Yes!

I realized a few weeks ago that I had not updated you on Mike's Medicaid process, but forgot to write about it. Was just as well, since it's been a bit dragged out.

On the 24th of August, I received a letter stating that Mike had been approved. That seemed really fast compared to what everyone had told me. I guess when you don't have much, it goes fairly quickly...or so I thought. As soon as I received the letter, I started calling all the places that were waiting for payment and soon discovered that when they input his Medicaid number it said he did not have benefits.

I contacted his case worker and she discovered that his Social Security number had been keyed in incorrectly. She quickly corrected that, but then it said there was a duplicate. Evidently when I had started the process four years ago, a number was generated even though I did not pursue it to completion. When his Social was put in incorrectly, it did not register that there was already a number in the system under his name, so generated a new number. Now that the case manager fixed the Social number, it said there were two records for Mike. This was an issue that our case manager could not correct. She had to send it to the state level and thought it should be corrected in a couple of days. I called every couple of weeks to see if it was straight. No.

The end of September, I received Mike's Medicaid card in the mail. I called our case manager and she said it was OK now, so I started calling everyone we owed money and again was informed that the system said he was not covered. So much time spent holding on the phone and nothing accomplished. Frustrating. Called case manager back, voice mail, she didn't return my call. Waited a few days and asked Appomattox Health & Rehab to try the number again and this time it worked!! Praise God! So, last week I was able to call all of the billing departments and everyone was able to see Mike in the system this time and would submit his bills to Medicaid. I was so glad to check that off my mental list. I really don't like having unpaid bills going past due.

I saw Mike on Monday and it was almost like last Thursday never happened. He did not talk at all. With help from the PT aide, we did walk with him down the hall, but he would not walk with just me. Once I was able to get him to stand, but then he sat right back down. Later, he wouldn't budge from his wheelchair. Mr. B. wasn't feeling well and there was a lot of sickness going through the facility, so they kept everyone in their rooms during meals. Maybe he wasn't feeling well either. He wasn't agitated, simply omming and sitting. The podiatrist was there and worked Mike into his schedule and Mike did let me clip his fingernails. That was about it.

Thank you for your comments and praising God with me that Mike did so well last week. I expect we'll see more of that off and on.

Please pray for my Mom, she has not been feeling well and no one can pinpoint the problem, so far. We have a couple of doctor appointments for her in the next week and really hope one of them will find some answers that will help her feel better. Thank you for partnering with us in prayer for God's wisdom for the doctors. God is Awesome and the master physician - there is nothing He doesn't know!

Positive Signs

Two weeks ago, while visiting Mike, I took him out on the deck along with Mr. Ommm.  I brought a deck of cards and started playing War. I turned over my card and Mike's, verbalizing what I was doing. Soon Mr. Ommm disappeared. After a few turns, I asked Mike to turn over his card. He would do it, but only when I asked him to. After a bit of that, I pointed to one of the cards and asked him what it was "A JACK!" he said with force. Not like he was angry, but as if that was the only way he could get the words out. Each time I would point to a card and ask what it was he would do the same, inhale then exhale the words "A SIX!, A NINE!" Which card is higher? "THE NINE!" 

I was very glad that when the Psych NP came out to find us, she heard him speaking. I introduced Mike to her, as she sat down, and told him that we were going to talk about his medication. Silence. Thankfully, the NP waited to see if he would respond, then when he didn't, she asked him if it was OK for us to talk about his medicine. Mr. Ommm was back in a flash and prevented Mike from more talking. Natasha wanted to try a different medication with Mike called Namenda which she has found beneficial to patients with dementia and Alzheimer's. I, along with the nurses, believe that the increase in Depakote made him more agitated instead of calmer. Once the Namenda has had a chance to get into his system (approx. a month) and we see how he responds to it, then she will begin to titrate down on the Depakote. 

I was also able to speak with the OT that afternoon. They have put Mike in a different chair which seems to be working well. He's not sliding out of it, but is able to sit upright and wheel around the halls on his own to some degree. She was also trying to get the staff to get him up and walking more and possibly to the bathroom after lunch when he gets really antsy. 

Monday - doing better. "Smile, Mike!"
Eyes closed. "Smile with your eyes open." 😊😍

Monday when I was there, Mike was calmer and spoke a bit more. Eating was still rushed, but I walked with him by myself for a short distance for the first time since June. Quite an encouragement to me. And yet, after lunch he was so agitated and kept pushing me away. I asked him if he would prefer I leave and go home. "YES!" Well...thank you very much. I don't really take it to heart, we've had stuff like this before - it has been 6.5 years after all. So I didn't leave, but I didn't touch him or speak. Figured at least he was getting a sensory break by sitting outside. He would close his eyes and drop his head, then every little bit he would peek out of the corner of his eye in my direction. I wonder what he was thinking? We sat in silence for about 20 minutes, then I needed to get going. I asked him if he would brush his teeth and shave or let me do it when we returned to his room. Silence. Once there, he was a little bit more cooperative than he has been and said "YES!" a couple more times. Mr. B. was so glad to hear him speak and believes he will just "pop" out of it one day and be fine. I responded "With God all things are possible!".

The past two weeks I've only gone once a week. It was just too draining and stressful seeing him fidgety and agitated and nothing I could do about it; plus my Mom hasn't felt real well either, and I've been working on getting flowers and decor ready for the big Fall Farm Festival. However, since I saw such positive signs on Monday, I wanted to go back this week and thankfully our helper, Betty, could come stay with Mom, so I went today. 

So many positive signs!

I walked with him a short distance and he seemed quite stiff when I first got there about 11:30. Was also being obstinate. If there was anything in the hall, he went directly for it. He's strong, but I prevailed and got him to maneuver around objects and people. Back in the wheelchair, he peddled his way down to the deck. I gave him a tissue to blow his nose and in the process he felt his face and came right out with "I haven't shaved in a couple days!" After that we made a video and tried to call his Mom. She called us back later once we were in the room and he did speak with her, with prompts from me. He also was calmer while eating and I was able to let him feed himself at the end with no problems. 

After lunch, he brushed his own teeth and between the two of us we got him shaved. Another first since June. He didn't fight the entire process, just every now and then. Also, with prompts, he told Mr. B. that he used to do push-ups and sit-ups. Again we walked down the hall and this time he moved quicker, more upright and easier and he even maneuvered around things with cues. Bill, one of the OT's was coming down the hall with another resident and I told Mike who he was and to say "Hi Bill". Bill and the resident proceeded on into the OT room (it takes Mike a few seconds to process and get the words out) and then Mike said "HI BILL!" As if in slow motion, Bill leaned his head out of the door and said "Did I just hear what I think I heard?!" Yes! He's been talking a lot more today! "I've heard him be verbal, but not like that!" Bill said. 

Hurray! We're almost back to the baseline where he was before this last fall. Woo Hoo!! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you all for all your prayers! Thank you to the NP, nurses, CNA's, therapists, kitchen crew, Mr. B. and the other residents. As we continued down the hall, we came to Ms. Patty who I often stop and speak to and who has talked with Mike from the very beginning. Say hi to Patty, Mike. "HI PATTY!" At this point we are right in the center of the facility at the nurses station, so everyone around there heard him. There were lots of wide eyes and "I've never heard him speak!" Bill and Patty were the only two he would say hi to, but it was truly a great day after 3 months of turmoil and very little speaking.

We attempted the bathroom and then walked the halls a 3rd time and he was getting faster which is a sign of getting tired as the walker was getting away from him. I was able to get him settled in bed and he looked like he would be asleep soon. He was much calmer than he has been since he's been there. As I was saying my goodbyes and walking out of the door, I told him I loved him and paused to see if he would respond. I wasn't disappointed. "I LOVE YOU!" As I was walking down the hall, I heard Mr. B. say "There you go, Mike." I'm so glad Mike has Mr. B. to encourage him and watch out for him. I hope having a roommate that talks to him will help Mike to talk more also. A new prayer point. 

It was so nice to walk away smiling today. I drove away giving thanks to Jesus for such an encouraging day and vast improvement in Mike. 

Proverbs 17:22 (NIV)

A cheerful heart is good medicine,

but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

Puzzle Pieces

Jigsaw puzzles can be fun and they can be frustrating. So much time can be spent looking for a certain piece to finish the edge, or complete a section. Working together with others can make it go together more quickly, since there are more sets of eyes searching. Once all the right pieces are put together and the puzzle is finished, there is a sense of satisfaction and completion. 

Monday, we found a missing piece in regards to Mike. Last Friday I called and talked with the RN who is the Floor Manager, regarding Mike's agitation. As I was explaining his actions, she thought they should check to see if he might have a UTI. She was right, tests came back positive for UTI on Monday morning. Mike was extremely agitated on Monday, plus threw up his lunch and generally seemed miserable. I am so glad the UTI was discovered and antibiotics were started that evening. Yesterday, he was so much calmer and I praise Jesus for answering prayer and am so thankful that the RN thought to test Mike for that. One more puzzle piece found by working together.

Yesterday Mike was more cooperative when I tried to brush his teeth, but still nothing doing on shaving. It was getting him upset, so I didn't push it. He was generally pushing me away no matter what I was doing, so I let him be. Mr. B. said Mike had been more cooperative with the CNAs after Monday too, so that's all improvement. Still no talking or reading yet.

If you read my last post regarding the missionaries, you may have missed one of the comments left by a sister-in-Christ, Pam Wilson, whom I have never met, but who has been following our TBI journey. It truly blessed my heart and I want to share it with you. It's another piece of a puzzle that God has allowed us to see of His master plan.

"Such beautiful reminders. An elderly missionary - when I was a young missionary - asked me what year I was born. When I told him 1957, and I mentioned that half my team were born in 1957, he nodded knowingly and said, 'Yes I meet so many missionaries who were born in 1957 because when the martyrs were killed in 1956, people began praying for others to take their place.' So good to know we do live in a Kingdom that is sure, with a sovereign King!"

Isn't that beautiful? Who knows how many missionaries went out as a result of those prayers? Where there were 5 men, maybe now there are thousands, tens of thousands, or more! Even Mike, who was born in 1956 and me in 1960, though we were short-term missionaries, could be due to those very prayers following the martyr of 5 missionary men in the jungle. God's multiplication to bring salvation to as many as possible. It makes me think of Joseph and this passage from Genesis 50:19-21.

19 But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? 20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. 21 So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.

Whatever trial, loss, difficulty or success you find yourself in, look for God there. God's intentions are always for our good or the good of someone in our circle of influence. Let's allow Him to use us for His glory and the saving of many lives and trust that He will provide for us and our children as He did for Joseph. God knows where all the pieces of the puzzle are and in His time they will all be put together perfectly into His grand masterpiece.

Party

Saturday, September 1, we had a little party for Mike since Keegan, Amy and the girls were able to come up to visit. I made a pound cake and brought strawberries, ice cream and whipped cream. Aria picked out party hats for us to wear and everyone was a good sport about wearing them (at least for a little while!). Mom and my good friend, Nancy rode up with me, our new pastor met us there, and Mike's roommate, Mr. B. came out and joined us also. Mr. Ommm was there also.

 I hope the gathering brought Mike some joy; it's hard to tell. Mr. B told me several times how much he enjoyed it. After we had sung "Happy Birthday" and eaten our fill of sweets, Keegan and I took Mike inside. With Keegan supporting Mike and me pulling the wheelchair behind them, Mike walked with the walker for about 15 minutes or so in the halls. 

While we were walking inside, the bottom dropped out of the sky outside and everyone else started coming in. The deck has a covering, but there are 3 open sides and the wind was sending rain everywhere. Thankfully we had finished the main part of the party before this happened. 

Keegan and I got drenched as we ran out to put things back in the car, I grabbed umbrellas, and his family prepared to head back to their home. It was very warm so was no big deal, just wet. I believe Pastor Randy had been soaked also when he left earlier.  I am so blessed to have great family and friends that support Mike and me and who are willing to go with the flow - from wearing funny party hats, to getting soaking wet without complaints. 

Please pray for wisdom for the doctors and nurses as they continue to try to find the right combination of medication to make Mike comfortable and calm. This week was not a good one in that regard. Mike was quite agitated and antsy. He will only walk if I am there which is not helping him. Although I believe he understands a lot of what I say, his reasoning ability is lost. He's not comprehending that walking every day will ease his fidgeting and help him get better and that he can walk with the aide or therapist or nurse or whoever will try. He just goes rigid, except when I'm there. I encourage him to walk with the PT aide, but he's not doing it. Therefore, he mainly sits in the wheelchair or lies in bed. This staff has never seen him any different, and so it is hard for them to realize that he can be different, calmer, reading. I'm advocating for him as much as I know how, but I cannot do anything about his resisting and going rigid. I'm all for getting him off of medication, but he needs something to help him be calmer. I keep on giving my input, but it is largely out of my hands. God, please have mercy on Mike.

I just finished reading Elisabeth Elliot's book, Through Gates of Splendor. If you are not familiar with her or the story of the 5 missionary men killed by Auca Indians in 1956, I highly recommend reading this book and End of the Spear by Steve Saint whose father was one of the men killed. Elisabeth's husband was another. The truth that shines through their witness is that God is sovereign, He is in control. In regard to the death of her husband and the other 4 missionaries Elisabeth says: 

"But we know that it was no accident. God performs all things according to the counsel of His own will." "The quiet trust of the mothers helped the children to know that this was not a tragedy. This was what God had planned."

Some of the wives stayed and continued to work with the surrounding Indian groups, letters arrived from all over the world telling of lives changed, prayers lifted, missionaries encouraged and strengthened in their commitment to live for Christ even unto death in order to bring others into the kingdom - all due to the witness of the 5 men and events in the Ecuadorian jungle. Eventually some of the very Indian men who had killed the missionaries came to faith in Christ. Elisabeth goes on to say:

"God is God. If He is God, He is worthy of my worship and my service. I will find rest nowhere but in His will, and that will is infinitely, immeasurably, unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what He is up to."

I have no idea what God is up to in Mike's and my life, but I do know that our lives are in His hands and His hands are the very best place to be. No matter what. He is trustworthy. He is faithful. He has a plan and it is a good one. I see narrowly and dimly. He sees infinitely and clearly.

1 Corinthians 13:12 (NIV)

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. 

Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

I'll leave you with one more quote from this book:

"This is the context in which the story must be understood--as one incident in human history, an incident in certain ways and to certain people important, but only one incident. God is the God of human history, and He is at work continuously, mysteriously, accomplishing His eternal purposes in us, through us, for us, and in spite of us."

Thanks, Mr. B

Today is Mike's 62nd birthday. I celebrated with him yesterday. He was there, but not. It was a gorgeous day in the low 70's with a gentle breeze. I wheeled him out to the covered deck, presents and a small cooler in tow. If it was in my power to disinvite Mr. Omm, I would, but he was our constant companion. I tried to interest Mike in his gifts, but he wouldn't even take them out of the bag or try to open the cards. Omm, omm, omm.  So I showed him his gifts from his Mom, sister and me. Opened all of his cards and fed him yogurt, cookies, and watermelon, plus his lunch when it arrived. He wants to put everything in his mouth now. I gave him a deck of Uno cards and he tried to bite the box, a Nerf football - mouth. I tried to toss the football and get him to toss it back, no. Tried playing Uno, nothing. It's hard to describe what Mike is like now. Here's a link to a short video I took yesterday to give you a glimpse. https://photos.app.goo.gl/7kMgbcgzS3vt2a8L8. 

Recently, I was messaging with a friend who lost a loved one and one of her comments helped me to realize that part of my new struggle, was that again I have lost part of Mike. It's another death. Six years and 4 months ago, I lost the Mike I had married and known. I had grieved the loss of his personality and who we were and had accepted the new Mike and what we could now be and do together. Now there is a different "new" Mike. Whereas I could still take him out to the park, Subway, walking at Lowe's and the dentist, now I can't take him anywhere. We were able to play board and card games and he would talk with me sometimes, now we cannot do those things and he doesn't talk. I'm not giving up hope that he will get better, yet I must accept where we are now. My visits consist of wheeling him around the halls or outside, feeding him, washing his face, attempting to brush his teeth and shave him, and tacking photos and cards to his bulletin board.

A bright spot in all this is Mr. B, Mike's 3rd roommate. Friday, August 17, Mike was moved to the other wing. Mike's former roommate Mr. N (2nd roommate) had been discharged that morning and they needed a room for a lady to come in. Mr. B. did not want to move and has been there several months. Mike and I went down after lunch that day to meet Mr. B and introduce ourselves. The room is bright and somehow feels bigger. Mr. B's mind is clear and I enjoy talking with him. He's had a lot of sadness in his life and said his daughter doesn't visit very often. The day after Mike was moved, I was heading out of town with my Mom and sisters. I wasn't thrilled to have Mike moved, but since he hasn't really settled in yet and after meeting Mr. B, I saw the Lord's hand in it. Mr. B assured me that he would keep an eye on Mike and he would call the nurses if he saw that Mike needed something. "If they don't come when I push the button, I'll holler to get someone in here." I laughed.

Back in Mike's room yesterday, after our "celebration", I asked Mr. B how the week had been. He said he and Mike had gotten along just fine. He said Mike had dropped his Brutus Buckeye pillow so Mr. B used his grabber and gave it back to Mike, who promptly threw it back at Mr. B. Mr. B gave it back to him again and he did the same thing. "Now Mike, that's your pillow. I'm not going to keep it. I'll put it right here beside me in my wheelchair for now." He said Mike seemed content with that. Another time they were tossing a small pillow back and forth between their beds. Mr. B said they did that for a good while and Mike seemed to like the game.  He said he talks to Mike and thinks he is a good guy. It makes me smile that Mr. B is interacting with Mike and watching out for him. Next weekend, Keegan and family are coming and we'll have a bigger birthday party. I want to invite Mr. B to join us on the deck. He said he'd never been out there.

I tried to brush Mike's teeth and shave him, but he kept grabbing my arm which he has been doing for quite a while. I investigated his mouth as best I could without getting bitten, and I think he may have a bad tooth or some issue with his gums. Mr. B said I needed a bright light to look inside - great idea! - I used my cell phone flashlight and the gums looked swollen on the upper right to me. I informed his nurse and she was going to write it up so that we can either have Mike seen by the dentist that comes to the facility or make plans to have him taken out to one. I hope and pray that can happen this week. I don't know if he will let anyone prob around in there without being sedated. Since his current state could be due to anesthesia, I'm leery of more sedation, but if he's in pain, something needs to be done. We'll just have to see what a dentist says.

Due to the generosity and thoughtfulness of our cousins, my Mom and sisters and I enjoyed a gorgeous and relaxing week at Myrtle Beach. It was a wonderful get-away for us all and a special time together. We sisters took a long walk almost every morning just after the sun came up and then I remained on the beach and enjoyed doing my yoga stretches amid the sound of ocean waves breaking on the shore. God's beautiful creation was everywhere I looked. I thought of Mike often since the beach was his favorite place to be and I would love to be able to take him there. That's not possible now and may never be. As I thought about that, I realized if Mike never sees another beach this side of heaven, once we are in heaven, that won't matter because it will be even better and the beauty here will pale in comparison.

Psalm 33:6-9 NIV

"By the word of the Lord were the heavens made,

their starry host by the breath of his mouth.

He gathers the waters of the sea into jars;

he puts the deep into storehouses.

Let all the earth fear the Lord;

let all the people of the world revere him.

For he spoke, and it came to be;

he commanded, and it stood firm."

Anxiety, Yet Praise

David got it. He questioned, cried out, didn't understand and didn't bottle it up. His anguish and pain, his questions and feelings of being overwhelmed and downcast, and his resulting decision to continue to seek God and praise Him through it is all written down for us. I am forever grateful. His Psalms/poetry teach me how to handle the tough. They let me know it's okay to go through a gamut of emotions and lead me to pant after God. God is the only one who fulfills, holds, sustains, and understands fully. He never leaves us and never will.

I went to see Mike last night and it wasn't good. Agitation, seemingly uncomfortable, omm, omm, omm. He wasn't grabbing his head this time, but seemed like he wanted to get up. The CNA said they had just laid him down. I fed him his supper, but he was not chewing his food well (thankfully he didn't choke). Maybe it was sundowning? Maybe my being there later in the day confused him? Maybe he was overly tired? All questions that will not be answered. I tried rubbing his arm or holding his hand and he pushed me away. I tried getting his shirt straight instead of balled up behind him - he pushed his back stiff against the bed. Nope! Not going to cooperate. I know he's usually worse in the evening, so I made a mental note to stick to visiting in the morning and early afternoon. Sometimes I think I agitate him more and so I didn't stay long. 

This morning I read the following Psalm.

Psalm 42 (NIV)

1 As the deer pants for streams of water,

    so my soul pants for you, my God.

2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.

    When can I go and meet with God?

3 My tears have been my food

    day and night,

while people say to me all day long,

    “Where is your God?”

4 These things I remember

    as I pour out my soul:

how I used to go to the house of God

    under the protection of the Mighty One

with shouts of joy and praise

    among the festive throng.

5 Why, my soul, are you downcast?

    Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

    for I will yet praise him,

    my Savior and my God.

6 My soul is downcast within me;

    therefore I will remember you

from the land of the Jordan,

    the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

7 Deep calls to deep

    in the roar of your waterfalls;

all your waves and breakers

    have swept over me.

8 By day the Lord directs his love,

    at night his song is with me—

    a prayer to the God of my life.

9 I say to God my Rock,

    “Why have you forgotten me?

Why must I go about mourning,

    oppressed by the enemy?”

10 My bones suffer mortal agony

    as my foes taunt me,

saying to me all day long,

    “Where is your God?”

11 Why, my soul, are you downcast?

    Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

    for I will yet praise him,

    my Savior and my God.

I don't cry as much as I used to, but today in church when I asked for prayer, my voice cracked and tears came, my heart beat wildly in my chest and anxiety was great. Where did all that come from? Anxiety is a strange thing. There are times when I know in my mind that I'm anxious or stressed, then there are times when I don't realize it until my body tells me - headache, pain between my shoulders, neck stiffness, heart racing, or shortness of breath. Yesterday and today I didn't feel like I was stressed, but my body told me otherwise. I'm not a huge advocate of medication, but I am thankful that I have some when it's necessary. Today was necessary. 

With the help of modern medication and David's Psalm, my body is calmer and I will put my hope in God and yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.

Better

Today was better and Mike did fairly well getting his hair cut. The lady that comes to the facility to do hair every Wednesday was quite kind and worked with us as best she could. We didn't try to move him out of the wheelchair. The less Mike is messed with, the better. I tried to hold Mike's head still part of the time; and he held it still himself a few times. His hair is less wild and I sort of washed it with a washcloth and shampoo, so I would assume it feels better also.

Mr. Omm was there, but not as agitated or intense today and Mike wasn't trying to shift his body and legs like yesterday. He would still rub his head, but it wasn't the almost angry grabbing that he was doing. After his haircut, we ventured down to the dining room and played Bingo. After a while, Mr. Omm got bored and went elsewhere. I would repeat what the caller said, point to the square, and Mike would place the chip. He would try to put chips on ones she hadn't called too. After Bingo, we played a couple of games of Sequence while we waited for his lunch. He wasn't quite with it, but at least it was a diversion for a while and he didn't exhibit signs of distress or pain other than rubbing his head. Maybe that was due to the new haircut. 😊

He ate well and then started to get more antsy, but he had been in the wheelchair all morning. It was time for a nap and change of position. The boil or infected spot on his back looks much better and I am hopeful that we are on an upswing. I am so glad I went today and saw him having a calmer day.

Y'all certainly see my roller coaster of emotions as I share on here. Sometimes my sharing is raw. Thank you for your grace and love to me in the highs and the lows. Writing and sharing is therapeutic. There are times when I think I shouldn't write when I'm low, and sometimes I don't, but it's the reality of our situation, the reality of most people's lives. We have lows. The key is not to get stuck there. I try to look for the bright spots and trust Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and God's word to pull me from the ditch. There are always bright spots and God's word is full of light and truth. Satan wants to bury us and fill us with lies in the low times. Don't let him! Feeling low? Run, grab the word of God and silence the enemy's lies with the truth of The One who made us. The One who wants what is best for us and knows what that is in any and all circumstances, even when we don't understand His methods. Our human minds cannot possibly comprehend what the Almighty God knows. Our job is to trust that when He says He came to bring us full life, He means it. Let's live the full life He has given to us!

If you are reading this blog and have not accepted the truth that Jesus is God's son who lived a perfect life and died a cruel death to pay our penalty of sin, then rose from the grave conquering sin and death, please do not delay to search God's word and find out for yourself all that has been done by Jesus for those who believe.  The Gospel book of John, plus I John, II John, and III John are great places to start in the Bible. I want to see you in eternity one day. Don't delay. It is a matter of life and death.

John 10:10 (NIV)

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; 

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

Nighttime Thoughts

I called to check on Mike after 10 last night and the RN said he was sleeping. He had been agitated at supper, so she gave him more Tylenol and that seemed to help. I was thankful to know he was resting peacefully.

As I laid in bed last night, reviewing the day, I realized that the way Mike scanned the room and focused on the bulletin board was different. He actually seemed to be taking in his surroundings where lots of times he seems totally oblivious to what is around him. That's a good sign. He stopped and focused on photos of family and friends. People who were familiar in a room that is totally unfamiliar. Hope - it's never far away, even when the noisier clamor and chaos of the day hides it. In the quieter moments of reflection, I see it sitting right where I left it.

Today Mike is scheduled to get a haircut at the facility. Please pray this goes well. I'm planning to be there to help however I can.

Thank you for your prayers and love for us.

Agitated Mr. Ommm

(If you missed the update I put on August 1, I had shared it wrong on FB and it only went to one person. I think I fixed it and it's on my page. There is some good news in that post.)

Mike was quite agitated today. He is receiving more Tylenol, as I requested, so now I wonder if it is withdrawal from the medication that is being tapered down. I've been Googling it for the past hour and it seems possible. This is so frustrating and emotionally draining.  I cannot imagine what he is going through and he cannot tell us how he is feeling or why he's so uncomfortable and agitated.

He had been up since 8:00 AM, the CNA said so at 11:00 we put him back in bed. He calmed down and Mr. Omm disappeared for about 45 minutes. We held hands and I tried to talk with him, but he couldn't find any words. His eyes were scanning the room, and he tried to look at the bulletin board on the wall behind his head. I took down photos and asked him if he knew who they were. Silence, then he pointed to different people and I told him who they were. I figured he must have been tired of sitting up and needed a change of position, but soon it was time for lunch and he became quite agitated once we had him up again. Mr. Omm was very persistent and Mike was having a hard time being calm enough to chew his food well. At one point it was as if someone stuck him with a pin. Something was definitely wrong, but what?

We made it through lunch and I wheeled him outside for about 15 minutes, but it didn't help. I decided he must need to lay back down, so we headed inside. He was grabbing his head, scooting forward in his wheelchair, throwing one leg onto the bed, "ommm, omm, ommm, OMMM, OMMM". The RN brought his afternoon pills which included Tylenol and the CNA finally arrived to get him in bed. (after lunch is a very hectic time for them, patience is required) Even in bed, he did not calm down this time. I read Scripture to him, sang, handed him his Sports Illustrated, gave him water, nothing helped. I rubbed his arm, his leg, his chest - at one point he took my hand and pushed it away. He had a few seconds of quiet every now and then - maybe I was just making it worse, so after a little time, I went on and left.

My hearts cry today was "God please be merciful and let him come home to You". This is heart wrenching to see him in such distress and be completely helpless and clueless. It's hard to find joy today. "Restore to me the joy of Thy salvation" I thought as I walked out of the grocery store later. Help me to show that there is still joy in You, even when my heart is like lead.

Psalm 51:12 (ESV)

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation,

and uphold me with a willing spirit."

Chicken & Dumplings

Tuesday had several highlights.

Mike was sitting quietly at the foot of his bed in the wheelchair when I arrived. No Mr. Omm until I broke the silence. I really felt like Mike was trying to say something to me, but all that would come out was Mr. Omm. I cannot imagine how frustrating that is for him. He sort of tried to help shave, but only put the electric shaver to his chin. He seemed a bit agitated and restless - legs jiggling, shifting in the chair, rubbing his head.

OT came in and tried getting him to stand and transfer to the toilet. He did fairly well, with help. As we were getting him back into his chair, I wanted to check the boil on his back that I had noticed on Friday. The doctor started antibiotics on Monday because it was an angry red, swollen, and oozing. It looked worse on Tuesday, mainly because it is now open, oozing more, and really red. No wonder he's restless, that has to hurt. After a bandage change, Bill went in search of a cushion to put behind his back and hopefully that made it more comfortable.

Mike used his feet and motored himself all the way to the dining hall! I just provided direction and tried to keep him out of the middle of the hallway. Lunch looked and smelled yummy. We did as before, I got him started, then he took over and fed himself. Chicken & dumplings was the main course and he had 2 helpings of that. I'm not sure she was supposed to, but one of the kitchen workers was asking the staff who wanted a plate and she asked me if I'd like some too and I said "sure!" It was delicious! I didn't even think I liked dumplings, but the sauce was very flavorful. What a treat!

Mike still seemed anxious to me, so I asked his nurse if he could have more Tylenol. She gave him some and then the PT, Lynn, came along with her aide and Mike walked about 145 feet! Unlike Friday when he kept wanting to sit down every little bit, Tuesday he wanted to keep walking and Lynn had to make him sit down a couple of times when his leg started quivering. That might have also been some of his agitation - he was tired of sitting and wanted to be up and moving around. He is motivated and that's good to see, but he was obviously getting tired. As they went to put him in bed, I left for the care team meeting.

Right away, they asked me how everything was going from my perspective and if I wanted Mike to stay there long-term. Absolutely! OK, after our meeting you can speak with our financial director. Thank you, Lord! Insurance has approved another week, but since Mike is almost back to where he was pre-fall, it may be the last week that they will approve. Speech Therapy had to discharge him as of Monday, because other than upgrading his food from puree to soft, there was no further progress. The really great news is that even though insurance will stop eventually, PT and maybe OT won't! It will not be as often or long, but still 5-6 times a week, which is fantastic. I think they called it recovery therapy and I am so grateful for this.

I had written up 2 pages of notes about Mike that I hope will be helpful to the staff as they get to know him and work with him. The therapy director said she would see that it was typed up and put in his computer file so that it would be accessible to everyone. Hopefully that will happen and the staff that work with him will read it. The financial person was not available yesterday afternoon, so I will try to see her on Friday.

After the care team meeting, I returned to Mike's room to find him comfortably lying on his bed and quiet. What joy to witness this. I handed him his Bible and he began to read, not out loud, but this is still better than most post-surgery days. We had a couple of quiet times Tuesday which I believe is more relaxing for Mike, as well. He was calm.

Tomorrow afternoon at 2:30, I have an appointment at DSS to turn in necessary documents and move the Medicaid process along. Please pray for this process and that meeting tomorrow. Our case worker said I could drop off the required documentation, but I asked for a meeting hoping I can spur this on a little faster.

I am truly grateful for everyone's thoughts, prayers, comments, messages, calls, cards, etc. I actually just read some of the comments from previous posts tonight. I'm sorry I don't respond right away or sometimes not at all (that's terrible, I'm sorry!), but please know I greatly appreciate all of you who continue to care for us, pray for us, read these blogs, leave me messages here or on FB, and give me hugs when I see you in person. Y'all mean so much to me and are a huge part of our journey. I know you have helped me tremendously with your encouragement and prayers.

Thank you! I love you!

Beyond Blessed

We have been beyond blessed this week at AH&R. Tuesday Mom R., Lynn and I were there to encourage Mike during PT. He didn't seem to want to walk at first. He would stand for just a few seconds and then lean heavily back to sit on the bed and then the wheelchair; however, the PT, Danielle, didn't give up and we were all cheering him on. Each time he stood a bit longer and then did take a few steps, and then a few more, and then went about 20 feet down the hall. Thank you, Jesus! Great work, Mike! I am so thankful for Danielle for multiple reasons. Because he kept doing a little more each time, she realized that he was probably stiff at first and it would be helpful for her to warm up his leg with a few exercises before getting him to stand. I really appreciate the fact that she was tuned into non-verbal Mike and figured out what was going on. She also informed us that insurance had approved Mike until July 30 without knowing that he had walked. She had been prepared last Monday to amend her report if they had denied further therapy, because he had walked 3 hours after the deadline for that report. Since they approved him through the 30th anyway, now she can report the walking on tomorrows report. Yay! Friday she said Mike had walked about 30 feet down the hall.

We took Mike outside on the deck for a change of scenery and then OT, Bill, came to work with Mike. His lunch tray was brought out to us and Bill tried different ways of giving Mike smaller portions and allowing him to feed himself. He did fairly well, still shoveling it in too quickly, but was chewing and had solid foods. Praise God! More answered prayer! He had pork chop which we decided was a little too hard for him to handle, but I'm so glad they are allowing him to try different solid foods to see what he can manage. I am also thankful that he has a male working with him in a largely female staff environment. Bill agreed that Mike could feed himself with some portion control by staff and that it would take some staff training to understand Mike's needs.

Friday when I was there, Bill came in and wanted to see if he could get Mike to stand in the bathroom by holding onto the grab bars. Mike grabbed and stood, no problem. Then we went into the hall and removed the foot rests from the wheelchair to see if Mike would self-propel. He took a few small steps, but then was stepping with the left and the right was getting left behind and going under the wheelchair. I would lift his right leg and we'd do it over again. Bill left to get some moleskin to cover a rough part of the chair and while he was gone, an elderly lady passed us propelling herself in her wheelchair. I pointed out how she was doing it by activating the wheel with her hands and moving her feet. I moved Mike's hands to the wheels and he started slowly moving down the hall. He was doing well by the time Bill came back. Bill - "Wow! He'll do it for you." Me - No, he's competitive and that little lady just passed him in the hall! 😄 We worked our way toward the dining hall, maybe 20 ft. and by then he was tired, so I retrieved the foot rests. Bill sees improvement, but is frustrated that he's only scheduled to work with Mike for 30 minutes, so was going to ask if he could have 45 minutes with him. Yay again!

Tuesday afternoon the Psychiatrist's, PA came by Mike's room and we talked medication. They really wanted to get him off of Haldol and I'm all for it. I also asked about trying to get him off of Amantadine and she was going to ask the doctor about that. Friday I asked for his medication list and Haldol is gone and on 8/5 the Amantadine will be cut in half. I'm cautiously excited about this. Please pray that by getting him off of some medication, he will cognitively be better and won't have any behavioral repercussions. I've never been able to get rid of the thought that he's on too much medication. I wonder if his brain might be better than we know, but the medication doesn't let what's healed show. I've asked every doctor we've had about cutting back on medication, we've tried some (with varying results, bad & good), but most are hesitant to cut back. I'm pleased that AH&R is not trying to keep him sedated and are closely reviewing what he's taking. Oh, and Tylenol is scheduled regularly!

Friday as I was putting the foot rests on, a lady wheeled to the door of her room and told me that on Thursday Mike was sitting by the nurses station and she sat by him and talked to him for a while. I am touched by her kindness and pleased that everyone is not passing him by. It's one of the reasons I like this place. Since they don't all have dementia related conditions, conversations can take place. Mike's roommate is a kindly, elderly gentleman. He's a bit hard to understand, but I try to talk with him for a bit each visit. All he does is lie in his bed. The staff try to get him up, but he declines all attempts. Please keep Mr. A in your prayers also.

Mike and I finally arrived at the dining room Friday and his tray had a hot dog with chili, baked beans, coleslaw, thickened water & milk, and a piece of honey-bun cake. I cut up the hot dog and fed him at first. Once I realized he had stopped his "omm" and seemed calm, I pushed the tray in front of him and he fed himself the rest. He did so well! Yes, he put too much on the spoon, but some usually fell in his lap before getting to his mouth and he was taking his time and chewing. Lynn had told him to chew 32 times, maybe he was remembering her words. The kitchen staff were very attentive and helpful. They prepared a second plate for him, but I thought that was a bit too much, so one of the women brought him a second helping of coleslaw and a serving of pasta salad. He ate it all, no surprise there. I was so blessed by how calmly he was eating. I'm sure he was enjoying the solid food after eating pureed for so long. Maybe that was part of the reason he was eating slower.

I am so impressed with AH&R. Each person that has worked with Mike seems to genuinely like what they do, has a desire to see Mike improve, and gets as excited as we do when he shows progress. They are all busy, but have treated Mike and me with respect and courtesy and I don't feel like we are a bother. Of course, God knew exactly where Mike needed to be.

I received a letter from DSS stating what verification information is needed for Mike's Medicaid application, so I hope to get an appointment with them this week to take the information they requested. On July 31, I will meet with Mike's care team at AH&R to discuss his therapy and long-term plans. At this point, I am hoping that they will be willing to keep him there, but if not, then I know God has something better planned.

We are 6 years, 3 months, and 4 days into this TBI journey. On Wednesday of this week, I was weary. It was one of those days when I was so completely human. Tired, still a bit sick, questioning, at loose ends, sad. My aunt left that morning, so I had packed a few things to bring over to Mom's since I would be staying at night and spending most of my time here. I was looking forward to it, because it meant a routine, structure, time with Mom - sweet, quiet, gentle Mom - Mom & me. Calmness after all the chaos and upheaval of the past few months and especially the past few weeks after Dad's death and Mike's fall. Normalcy. Yet the first day, I couldn't find a rhythm, my brain was sluggish and I didn't feel like doing anything. So much was different, and yet so much was the same.

In my packing "a few things", I looked through my books and picked up The Voice of the Martyrs - Extreme Devotion book (actually it's my son, Keegan's book - I've had it a VERY long time - sorry Keegan!) I read 3 of the devotions and was encouraged. Here were Christians who were imprisoned for their faith, beaten, eyes put out with hot irons, harsh torture, unspeakable suffering, and death because they refused to deny Christ and tell where their precious Scriptures were hidden. They lived life ready for what might come, knowing horrible pain was possible. They endured for the sake of Christ.

There are so many lessons in what I read, but what helped me most was on Day 3. I had been thinking I have nothing to complain about compared to these persecuted Christians and martyrs. Their suffering is beyond compare and is for their stand for the Gospel of Jesus in countries where this is not acceptable. I live in luxury, freedom, comfort and peace. This in itself bolstered me - quit having a pity-party. The reading on Day 3 spoke of a pastor who had a bag of spare clothes and a blanket packed, because he believed he would be arrested that day. He was. His heart and mind were prepared too for whatever came. Here is the paragraph that brought me so much encouragement:

"Readiness is a sign of commitment. Commitment that is unprepared to sacrifice is merely compromise in disguise. For example, consider the marriage commitment. It costs one's selfishness and deals a heavy blow to one's sense of independence. However, the result is a stronger marriage. Relationships that are not ready to sacrifice for the sake of commitment do not last. Compromise takes a steady toll and weakens our desire and ability to be committed. In the same way, the believer's commitment to Christ must exact a price in order to maintain its value. We must prepare for the test of our commitment by daily affirming that Christianity is worth it. It's worth spending our time in daily prayer. It's worth gathering for worship at church. It's worth enduring hardship and trial, abuse and even arrest for the privilege of maintaining our commitment without compromise."

I had grown weary and, like Peter, looked at the waves instead of the Savior and it was taking me under. I have so much to be thankful for in the midst of trial, sickness, change, etc., and like these persecuted Christians, I needed to keep my eyes on the victor, the Christ and being obedient to Him. This life is temporary. God has given me the strength and ability to stay committed to Mike and our marriage without compromise these 6+ years. Plus, in Christ, there is always the hope of healing. Never give up hope. A year or a little more into this journey, I received a letter from friends of one of my sisters. They believed that Mike would be healed in the 7th year. Seven - the perfect number, in the Bible a lot. God has not promised me that Mike will be healed here, but I believe it is possible. You know the crazy thing? Mike is now in the town where these friends live. I find that amazingly interesting. What are you up to, God? I want to be ready.

I Peter 4:12

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial

you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you."

Great News!!

Great News! Great News!  Mike walked today!

Mike's Mom and his sister, Lynn arrived from Ohio this afternoon just in time for his Physical Therapy session and were there to cheer him on as he walked for the first time since June 27th! All praise to the Lord for preparing this event!

Earlier today I spoke with the Therapy Director to see if we could schedule his therapy during a time when I could be there on some days. I asked how he was doing and she said all he had done so far was stand for 30-60 seconds. She also informed me that insurance was asking for a progress report since he has been there a week and I know that if he is showing no progress, then therapy and the insurance will cease. This would not be good in a couple of ways. Worst of all would be that Mike could end up in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. Second, since we do not have Medicaid to pay for skilled nursing yet, we would be in a real bind as to what to do.

By God's grace, I didn't freak out, but started praying. I knew Mom R. and Lynn were planning to come, I just wasn't sure if it was today. I text Lynn to see and about 11:30 they called and said they were about 3 hours away. Great! I called back to AH&R and praise God! Mike's PT was scheduled for 3:00 PM today. I told the staff that I spoke with that his Mom and sister were coming and I hoped would be in time for his PT session. I wasn't going today, just trying to make sure I'm not contagious before getting around so many people, but I was so hopeful that with Mom R. & Lynn there he might walk. I know that often Mike will do things for me or other family members that he won't do for staff, so was excited that Lynn and Mom R. would be there and possibly be the spark Mike needed to get moving. Lynn is very energetic and bubbly and Mike lights up when she's around. When I was praying around 3:00, the Lord reminded me of when we were at Wake Med in Raleigh and Mike stood for the first time since his accident. His Mom was there and he was so excited for her to see him standing and kept repeating "Look it Mom! Look it Mom!"

Those people he has known the longest in his life seem to be the ones he remembers the best and wants to impress. His Mom, sister, and brother. He has often thought I was his Mom and has called our son, Keegan, "Mark" many times. It's like he can't remember who we are so reverts to those he knows the best. He has called me "Lynn" also. Lynn is the only one who has really made him laugh since his 2012 accident. So thanks be to God for orchestrating the timing of their visit today! Lynn sent me a video of him walking from the bed to the door of his room. She was cheering him on all the way with Mom R. nearby. This was such a break-through today and I am so thankful! Maybe they will be the ones to get him talking again also. 

I am feeling better today. The voice is returning and the throat is not sore, just that bothersome, hacky cough every now and then. I am planning to meet them there tomorrow morning when Mike will have PT at 10 and OT at 11:30. Please continue to pray that Mike will progress in his walking and be able to safely get up from the bed or chair, plus eat soft rather than pureed foods. Also pray that his Medicaid application will move quickly through the system and be ready at the proper time.

Thank you so much for your prayers and support of us. I am truly grateful! Thank you, Jesus, for answered prayer today. I praise You!

Psalm 111:1&2

"Praise the Lord. 

I will extol the Lord with all my heart

in the council of the upright and in the assembly.

Great are the works of the Lord;

they are pondered by all who delight in them."

Medicaid, Mike, and Me

Thursday afternoon I had a very good meeting with a lawyer about an hour north of here. It's a small law firm that Mike's brother found online for me. Thank you, Mark! I am much more comfortable with a small firm than those mega-firms. I had worked for several hours each day to get all the information together in order to complete the pre-meeting questionnaire that included the past 5 years financial information. It was actually good as I needed to get bank statements balanced and up to date, because I had fallen behind in the past couple of months. It was also beneficial as I discovered that in 2014 I had failed to categorize several checks in Quicken. This was skewing the reports and needed to be rectified. Don't know how I had missed that previously, but at least it's fixed now. Just took time.

The lawyer seems to believe it will not be a problem to get Mike on Medicaid, since we have very little. Even his insurance and LTD from his previous employer should not pose a problem. I thought this was part of the hang-up when I applied previously, but evidently it was because Mike was not yet on Medicare at that time or something. I'm the one who stopped the process the first time, because I decided to keep Mike at home and realized Medicaid would not be helpful in that scenario. I also believe God prevented me and any organization from getting him on Medicaid previously, because The Harbor is not Medicaid approved and they were the ONLY facility willing to take him at that time 3 years ago. Our God is the Awesome God. Even Central State had told me that they were applying for Medicaid for Mike and I never heard any more about it. Where did his application go? God's messengers whisked it away, perhaps. 😊 It just wasn't the time.

I have spoken with the social worker at Appomattox Health & Rehab (AH&R) and she said I need to check with my local DSS office and see what other information they need from me. I assume it's basically what the lawyer wanted and so believe I'm ready to provide what they need, when they need it. My meeting with the lawyer gave me a lot of peace of mind and he would not even charge me for the hour he spent with me, even tho the papers I signed when I came in said there would be a charge. He is going to check one thing with the Commissioner of Accounts where I file my conservator paperwork each year, but said he didn't do anything yet, so no charge! Very kind act from one Christian to another and a blessing from the Lord.

On Wednesday, I was able to take Mike outside for a while. He was in a wheelchair and it's quite hilly right outside the building, so we didn't venture very far. I was afraid to go down a hill because we might get going too fast and then I might not be able to push him back up the hill either. I walked the halls with him a long time. A big difference between this facility and The Harbor is that this is not a locked facility and not everyone here has dementia or Alzheimer's, so it is nice to be able to communicate with some of the other residents as we roll around the halls. He also had a roommate on Wednesday, one hand-picked by God. Prayer works. His roommate is a kind, elderly gentleman that we'll call Mr. A. I don't know if he's there for rehab or long-term, but he was cold and was having trouble covering himself up, so I helped him a couple of times and he was most appreciative. He just tried to sleep most of the time I was around.

I thought Mike seemed a little better on Wednesday. He seemed to listen as I read our friend's newsletter to him, he ate soft foods (NOT all pureed!), and even helped me change his shirt. Still not talking. I know Speech Therapy had evaluated him on Tuesday and must have said he could have mechanical soft foods. He had mashed potatoes, green beans, and meatloaf. The ticket said minced green beans and meatloaf, but it wasn't. I broke up the meatloaf a bit more, but he handled the cut green beans and meatloaf very well. I'm sure he enjoyed them more than pureed. They certainly looked more enticing. I had hoped to be there when PT worked with him, but she was running late and I needed to go work on the papers for the lawyer the next day. I was able to speak with her and she said he had stood, but that was all on Tuesday. We talked about pain and I told her about him needing Tylenol scheduled. She was going to follow-up on that.

The facility was a busy place on Wednesday. Doctors and PA's, therapists, a reunion of those who had been there for rehab, plus all the regular RN's and CNA's, administrators, resident's rolling around, etc. It has a pleasant feel to it, friendly amid the chaos of call-button beeps, phones ringing, people talking and moving around. "That beeping would drive me crazy," I said to one of the nurses. I hear it even when I'm at home, she said. Ugh, poor people.

Friday I spent the day trying to catch up with my flowers and dispensing with the weeds that had overtaken my wildflower garden. I was weary of being on the road and seeing my flowers suffer and weeds thriving. I felt like I was on a time crunch since it was supposed to start raining Saturday night, so I packed about 3 days worth of work into one and my back told me about it too. Also, on Thursday night, I felt like I had gunk in my throat. By Friday morning my voice was mostly gone, but I didn't feel bad. Friday night, my body ached and my throat and head started hurting, plus I started having a dry, hacky cough.

I had planned to go see Mike on Saturday, but I was sick. I didn't go anywhere. When I got up, it was lightly raining. I was sad because I hadn't been able to finish cleaning out the weeds and put down the seed I had, but I was grateful to be lazy. I did set up the Media Shout program for the church service, thankful that Pat was going to run it on Sunday for me, since I was fairly sure I wouldn't be there. I went back to bed at 11:00AM and didn't arise until almost 2. About 2:30, it wasn't raining and I was needing to get outside. I seized the time, even though I didn't feel very good and spent a couple of hours finishing my wildflower garden. I praised the Lord for strength and holding off the rain until I could finish. Then let it rain! It did, last night and today off and on. The gauge says we've had about 3/4".

Today I slept in, read my Bible, looked at FB, watched all 5 sessions of the Ann Voskamp "One Thousand Gifts" DVD. Thanks, Bobbi! Plus even sketched a picture which I haven't done in years. My daughter-in-law, Amy, shared a darling photo of their two girls and I have wanted to try to sketch it, so I did. It doesn't look exactly like the pic, but it was fun and a nice change from my normal. I find it hard to truly rest and relax, but I believe God "made" me do it the past couple of days and I think I definitely needed it. I've told my Mom before that sometimes I don't have the sense God gave a turnip! 😄 Learn to be still, quiet, trust. This was the verse I read on Saturday night before I went to sleep:

Isaiah 30:15

"For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, 

'In returning and rest you shall be saved; 

in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.' But you were unwilling,"

Lord, help me be more willing to be quiet, rest, return to you and trust. As always, You are working everything out for our good and I need to trust and to rest.

My Mom's sister, Lynn, has stayed with Mom ever since my sisters all returned to their own homes after Dad's service. What a blessing she has been to Mom and what peace of mind she has given me. Lynn being here has allowed me to take care of things for Mike without being concerned about my Mom and what a joy for my Mom to be able to spend this precious time with her sister. Thank you, Lynn! I've been able to rest at my little place, knowing that Mom is well cared for and not alone. Last night I rented and watched the movie "Same Kind of Different as Me" online. Today I set it up for Mom and Lynn to watch with the Chrome-cast we all gave Mom for her 89th birthday. A good movie based on a true story.  I read the book a few years ago.

With Mike being closer, he may even get more visitors. I'm thankful that Hugh and Tracey went by to see him on Friday as they headed out on their anniversary trip. Mom Rice and Lynn will be coming this week. I'm especially glad for these visits since I'm sick and don't want to share with the residents. Even in this, God provides. Why do I fret?

Several verses have helped me get through the past 3 weeks. Whenever I was overwhelmed and stressed or didn't want to do what I had to do, I repeated these over and over and over. I will leave you with them:

Philippians 4:13 

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

2 Corinthians 12:9a

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Isaiah 26:3

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." 

New Chapter

I arrived at Appomattox Health & Rehab about 1:30, completed necessary paperwork, spoke with the Therapy Director and started moving things into his room and finding a place for everything. I was pleased to see a big bulletin board where I could tack photos, grandchildren drawings, cards, etc.

Before I finished, Mike arrived. By now it's about 2:30. He was OK, but really stuck in his ommm. As the next hour moved on, his omm became stronger and louder and he began to grab his head.  I asked for Tylenol and the nurse soon arrived with it. I also asked for some yogurt which came quickly also. Mike was cleaned and changed by 2 very sweet young ladies and then he began to calm down and rested peacefully and quietly for about a half hour. He never fell asleep, but at least he looked comfortable.

Presently he is alone in a semi-private room. I'm praying that God will hand pick Mike's roommate. I'm hoping it's someone who doesn't have the TV on all the time and that Mike's humming omm won't irritate them. It was nice to be just us today. There is an almost constant beeping in the hall which is annoying to me, but I hope Mike can ignore it or will quickly get used to it.

A brief moment of peace.

The staff were all very southernly kind. I like that. Since it was his first day, I made sure I told everyone that he has to have thickened liquids and pureed food, at least for now and I stayed until I was sure he received his supper. It did come, just about 40 minutes later than it was supposed to come. That's not unusual in a hospital, so I wasn't too surprised that the same thing happened there. They had to get him in the computer and the kitchen had to be notified of the special preparation.

He ate well, as usual. He seemed to get agitated again after receiving his meds and eating supper. I wonder if something else is going on. He had calmed after receiving the Tylenol, but I've noticed since being in the hospital, that he gets agitated after his meds and eating, plus seems to regurgitate. I mentioned it in the hospital and I will ask the doctor at rehab about it also. The doctor will be there Wednesday.

This is such an easy drive compared to driving to Stanardsville! It's a straight shot on a 4 lane highway and half the amount of time. Thank you, Jesus!

Thank you for praying for Mike's transition. I believe the move went well. Therapy will begin tomorrow. I'm hoping he will be able to show improvement, and thus able to stay for several weeks. Pray that he will have the desire and ability to work through some pain and that the staff will be able to know when he needs pain medication.

Mental Respite & Praise

Today I took a mental rest. There were so many conversations replaying in my brain and the stress has been apparent in the pain between my shoulder blades for the past few days. After speaking with the case manager this morning and making an appointment with a different lawyer, I felt I had done all I needed to do in regards to Mike's placement and finances for today. I decided not to drive back to Charlottesville today either. I needed a therapy day for me which meant walking with Nancy and spending time in my neglected gardens. It felt so good to once again be physically active and let my mind rest from all the clamor. The aches in my body tonight are from a day of hard physical labor and I can see where I did something.  As I took a break for lunch, I realized the tension in my shoulders was gone and my mind felt lighter. My back wasn't too thrilled with the days activities, but it did me good in many other ways.

Yesterday.
The psychiatrist was not able to come see Mike, because she was out at nursing homes Thursday and Friday this week. Mike was in the hall when I arrived, calm, and omming. RN said he had Tramadol with breakfast. Good. Is Tylenol scheduled regularly now? No. No? Would you please ask about that or let me speak with the doctor? I've been asking since Monday. Yes, I will see that it is done.

I wheeled him around the halls several times and then the aide suggested I take him outside. What a great idea! Mike's tone did not change in or out, but maybe it still felt good to get outside for a little while.  About 11 Mike's tone did change. We were back inside by this time and I alerted the aide. After getting him back in bed, I could tell he was getting more anxious/fidgety or felt more pain/??? After lunch he seemed flushed and just uncomfortable, so I start asking about regular Tylenol again or if I could speak with a doctor. Pain med still not scheduled. I had noticed Mike being flushed and a bit shaky the night before also and I didn't know if it was a reaction to some medication or pain or what.  I wanted to talk with someone who knows these medications. Still no doctor. Grrr... I am not one to make a stink, but after speaking with the nurse twice and going to the nurses station to ask that a doctor be paged and still nothing happening, I got frustrated and sounded like it the second time I went to the desk. Within minutes there was a liaison in Mike's room asking what the problem was and letting me know that all of the doctors were either in surgery or clinic. I explained the problem and before she left the room, Tylenol was scheduled and Tramadol was also if there was evidence that it was necessary. The whole experience left me feeling irritable. I don't like being stinky, but nothing was happening. I was polite, just more forceful than I'm comfortable being and felt exhausted from the experience of trying to advocate for my husband who isn't able to talk right now.

Psalm 138:3 

"When I called, you answered me; 

you made me bold and stouthearted."

During our conversation on Wednesday with all those folks, the social worker informed us that she had received a call from Appomattox Health and Rehab that morning saying they had a couple of open beds which was quite unusual for their facility, and wondering if she had any referrals. The case manager sent them Mike's information and yesterday morning they showed interest, but were concerned that he is on Haldol. After some further conversations, they came back about noon saying they would take him, even with the Haldol, if they received Medicare authorization. Glimmers of hope.

Nancy and I came home via Appomattox in order to tour the facility. It is small and personal, feels more like a hospital than The Harbor did, but I have to remember that this is skilled nursing and long-term, not assisted living. It was clean with no offensive smell and I had read several really good reviews online. Hope is growing.

This afternoon, just as I finished my work outside and was heading in for a shower, the case manager called and said Medicare has given approval and Mike will be medically transported on Monday morning. Praise the Lord Jesus!! Woo Hoo!!! Hope realized - Rehab placement is complete. Now to get him there, settled and working hard to walk again. Then I can focus on getting him on Medicaid and long-term will come later.

Thank you so much for all your thoughts, prayers and words of encouragement. The rehab program sounds really great at Appomattox, no surprise, God worked it out for Mike's best.

This morning I was reading Psalm 138. The following verses became a prayer:

Psalm 138:6-8

"Though the Lord is on high, he looks upon the lowly, (like Mike and me)

but the proud he knows from afar.

Though I (Mike & I) walk in the midst of trouble,

you preserve my (our lives) life;

you stretch out your hand against the anger of my (our) foes,

with your right hand you save me (us).

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me (us);

your love, O Lord, endures forever --

do not abandon the works of your hands.

The Lord will not abandon the works of His hands. His purposes will be fulfilled. He is preserving our lives even though we are in the midst of trouble. He is with us and looking upon us and saving us. Praise be to God!