Heavy and Light

Dear ones,

It's been a long time since I've written. It wasn't intentional, the words just seemed to blow away and I couldn't find them.

Today words have returned and the need to express and share is strong within me tonight. A return to a type of therapy for me or perhaps the need to share joy and pain in the hopes of renewed prayers from our dear supporters and prayer warriors.

The months of my silence have mainly followed the previous years of highs and lows for Mike: medication adjustments, falls, lethargy and over-activity, sickness and wellness, talking and silence, cooperative and uncooperative, knows-who-I-am or doesn't, etc. However, today I was thrown a very unexpected curve ball and was hit directly in the gut.

Last night The Harbor had a family night and Mike and I went over to the adjacent hall to join the other residents and families. I will not try to do these special events anymore. Mike does not handle the added stimulation of more people and excitement with anything but his perseverating hum and anxiousness. After feeding him his supper, I wheeled him outside for a stroll in the humid, but mostly quiet evening air. After a while, he stopped his humming then suddenly declared "It's your turn to ride." I assured him I wanted to walk after being in the car for a few hours. He wasn't dissuaded so after a few more minutes, I helped him stand and he used the wheelchair as a sort of walker.

Resident kitty
I call Tilty.

"You sit down." Seeing as he is a bit unsteady on his feet and the wheelchair was about to get ahead of him, I just kept a steadying hand on the chair and walked beside him. After unsuccessfully trying to get him back into the wheelchair before going down the hill, I just walked backwards down the hill holding onto the seat handles of the wheelchair while he pushed it down the hill. We made it safely. Thank the Lord.

Lisa kindly brought us apple caramel donuts, fresh apple slices, and a piece of apple pie with ice cream while we sat on the front porch. Mike never turns down ANY food. All of this after I had given him a piece of coconut pie and a couple of rolls I had brought from home!

My handsome hubby

Today I arrived about 9:15. Mike was sitting in the dining room humming, drooling, and nose running. Nothing broke him out and he didn't want to move. I finally manhandled his wheelchair and him out from under the table and into his room. Teeth brushed, face cleaned, I wheeled him outside. Tried to sing with him, read to him, have him read, fed him yogurt....nothing doing. "ommm, ommm, ommm." 

After the CNA cleaned him up and changed his clothes, I went on and got him in the car to see if we could get his hair cut. It was a bit of a struggle to get in the car - like he couldn't remember how to do it. Once in and having something in his hand to read, he quieted and rode well. I prayed that there wouldn't be more than a 5 minute wait and praise God! it wasn't. Mike did great. He sat still and very quiet. He wouldn't answer our questions, but was very calm throughout and the woman did a great job on his hair and was even able to shampoo it. That's the very first time we've had him lean back like that, he looked a little worried, but we made it through.

The Hair Cuttery is right beside Subway and Mike headed right to their door. I asked if he wanted a sub or a hamburger and he said "sub!". When it comes to food, then he'll talk! Beef or chicken? "chicken!". We took our sandwiches to the park and enjoyed our picnic. Mike didn't talk. Not even answering yes/no questions.

Back at The Harbor, I was getting him settled to take a nap. I leaned over to kiss him and told him I had to go and would be back in a couple of weeks. Then it happened...his face crumpled. The edges of his mouth turned down in a quiver, his eyes were tightly shut, tears forming around the edges and my heart was pierced. I was so unprepared for this. He'd seemed so far away, not paying any attention to me. On what level did he understand? What was he thinking, knowing, realizing? What did he want to communicate that he couldn't? Oh the pain! Oh the helplessness! The heartache. It feels cruel. So cruel and not a thing I can do about it. God, please.

I stayed a bit longer and sang a couple of hymns while stroking his arm. He seemed to relax and I hope he slept. I left with a heavy heart and begged God to heal him and bring him home to me or home to Him. It's just too hard and I pray we don't go on like this for years and years to come. Yet, I remembered that I just need to take one day at a time and God's grace is sufficient for that, for Mike, and for my weakness. For when I am weak, then He is strong.

Coveting your prayers for us.

2 Corinthians 12:9-11 (ESV)

9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

His way and His time

On January 10, Mike had a dentist appointment.  I arrived early to make sure Mike was ready and give him a chance to think about what was going to transpire. He was reading a magazine and would just pause briefly to look at me and then continue reading. After a bit, I asked him if he knew who I was. He kept reading. Later I asked him if he knew my name and he said "I don't know." So I told him and reminded him that I was his wife. "I know." he said.

My brother-in-law, Tom, graciously met me at The Harbor to help with the outing. Mike was able to walk to the car with his walker and then into the dentist's office with Tom and I on either side. He did great throughout the entire cleaning and x-rays. The hygienist finished and we were waiting for the Dentist to come in when Mike said, "Is your name, Jennifer?" 😊

We enjoyed lunch at Subway and were just about finished when Mike started to get antsy. By the time we returned to The Harbor, Mike was tired and ready to go to bed. He had done very well and I am so thankful that he is still able to tolerate those appointments.

Yesterday, our Pastor, Randy, and his wife, Karen, and I drove up to see Mike. It was a welcome relief to have someone else do the driving and we enjoyed visiting along the way. When we arrived, the Physical Therapist was there walking with Mike down the hall. I came up beside Mike, greeted him and was blown away when he responded, "Hi Honey!" Wow! Blast from the past. That's how my pre-accident husband used to greet me, plus the fact that he knew me right away! Thank you, Jesus!

I continued to be amazed throughout the day at how Mike was mentally. He was actually initiating a little bit instead of just responding. I walked with the PT and Mike back and forth in the hallway and we tried taking away the walker and just walking beside him, but he asked to have the walker back. He looked for a trashcan to throw away his tissue and he told me he wanted a piece of gum. Such a huge difference from even the week before. I assume medication is continuing to get out of his system, plus I believe in the power of God through the many prayers lifted up for Mike.

Back in late November or early December, as a result of a Bible study lesson on praying specifically, I took it a bit too far and was placing a time frame on my prayers for Mike. I wasn't really comfortable with it (a sure sign it wasn't from God), but I prayed that way for a few weeks anyway. (I believe it would be called desperation - "God please do something before the end of the year!") Ugh...😕

One of the women in the Bible study spoke of praying Scripture. It's something I have tried to do in the past, but never got very far. One day I asked her if she would show me more specifically how to do it and get me started. Wow! It has opened up a whole new dimension in my prayer life and walk of faith. I began praying Psalm 91:14 for Mike.

"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him..."

I prayed "Lord, because Mike loves you, please rescue him from his damaged brain and body." That's the prayer that I tacked the time limit onto. After the few weeks, I called my dear friend in North Carolina and asked her what she thought. She said: "Uh...Jennifer, you know we can't put a time limit on God. It has to be in His time." Yes, yes I knew that. So I removed the time limit and inserted: "...in your time and in your way." I text that change to my friend on December 24. It has been my prayer since then. Plus I know so many of you continue to pray for Mike and me, as well. Insert the changes in Mike since Autumn and the changes in just the last week and there is so much answered prayer. 

Then God confirmed it this morning during my time with Him. I picked up a small book of inspirational readings, called Moments of Peace in the Presence of God published by Bethany House. It was given to me this Christmas and I've been reading it sporadically. The book mark was on a page entitled "Answered Prayers". What brought me on my face before God was the following: 

"At those times when God is silent, you must place your hope in two mighty truths: the truth of God's sovereignty and the truth of his faithfulness. God answers all your prayers, but always in his own time and in his own way."

I could hardly believe I was reading the very words I'd been praying. How does God do that? I don't read that book every day, but there was the reading that was so appropriate and had the words I had been praying. They just had more emphasis by adding "own". This was definitely a sovereign-God moment. A moment when He showed me, once again, that He is in control, He is listening, and He is answering. I believe God is answering our prayers for Mike in His own time and in His own way. 

Mike also read Scripture*, sang hymns with us and prayed a short prayer, plus he never seemed tired. Usually by 3 or 4 in the afternoon, he is not able to function cognitively very well and reverts back to his humming oh. He didn't do that yesterday. We got him settled in his room with his Bible and we headed home. A truly miraculous and amazing day!

Psalm 66:20

Praise be to God,

who has not rejected my prayer

or withheld his love from me!

*Click on the link to see a video of Mike reading Psalm 111.

A Most Unusual Christmas

I had a very unusual, but joyous Christmas. In order to have the noon meal with Mike, I needed to leave before 9:00am. Dad had a rough night so was sleeping soundly in the morning, but I woke him up anyway so that they could open their gifts before I left. I had created a couple of special gifts for them and was excited to see them opened. It was a bit rushed, but we had a few minutes together and then I was on the road.

At The Harbor, I wheeled Mike from the dining room to a seating area in the hall and there gave him his gifts. I should have saved the book until I was ready to leave, because as soon as he opened it, all he wanted to do was read. Maybe due to the book, he was not as interactive as he had been during the last 2 visits, but He had a fairly good day.

We were able to v-chat with his Mom and both of our boys and their families, plus talked with his Dad. Mike didn't do much talking, but at least we made contact. Dinner was OK. Maybe the regular cook was on vacation which is a good thing!

Since Mike was preoccupied with his book, I went through all of his stuff, organizing and throwing out as needed. There had been quite an accumulation of magazines, other folks clothing, coloring books, stuffed animals, shoes, etc.  I know it won't last, but it made me feel better and gave me something to do. Mike would watch me and then back to reading.

I left after 4 pm and enjoyed a very relaxed evening and a light supper with my Aunt and my cousin. We talked, laughed, enjoyed our meal and watched a movie. It had been a full day and I went to bed very tired and content.

On Tuesday, all of my sisters and some of their children and grands came to the farm. We had a fun and chaotic time with our annual While Elephant exchange on Wednesday night, playing games, and trying to feed 28 people (half the amount of people that could have been here). Everyone left on Thursday and it's been rather quiet since, except during the football bowl games. Way to go VT Hokies! What in the world happened OSU Buckeyes?

On Friday I called and tried to talk with Mike, but that rarely works. It didn't that day either. However, yesterday I received a call from my favorite med tech, C. She said "Someone wants to talk to you." Here's how the conversation went (bold letters because Mike has one volume - yell!):

Mike: "SONGS OF CHRISTMAS, HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING, JINGLE BELLS, AWAY IN A MANGER!"

Me: "Do you want to sing one of those songs?"

silence

I hear C in the background. C: "Tell Jennifer that you went to church today."

Mike: "HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING, AWAY IN A MANGER, IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS!"

Me singing: "Hark the herald angels sing - sing with me Mike, you know the words - glory to the newborn King."

Mike: "SONGS OF CHRISTMAS, HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING, JINGLE BELLS, AWAY IN A MANGER!"

Me: "Did you go to church?"

Mike: "YES! HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING, AWAY IN A MANGER, IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS!"

Even though he was stuck, at least he was stuck on something different than normal and it was a joyful conversation just to hear him excited about the songs and reading from the program of the church service that was held at The Harbor yesterday morning. It is also the reason that C is my favorite. The fact that she would take the time out of her busy schedule to look up my number and call, because she knew it would bring me joy to hear Mike's excitement. That type of thing is what makes her an excellent caregiver and very special to me.

I hope each of you had a special Christmas season in one way or another. Mine was unusual and spread out and fun and chaotic and relaxing and memorable and most of all precious since I had the privilege of being with so many wonderful people. 

With. That reminds me of the real reason for Christmas. The celebration of Jesus' birth. Immanuel, God with us. Isn't it amazing that the God of the universe sent His only Son to be with us?  Not only that, but He also made a way for us to one day be with Him through His Son's death and resurrection. It boggles my mind that He desires a relationship with us, but He truly does and He paid a huge price to draw us to Himself. What a precious gift!

Matthew 1:23 (ESV)

“Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son,

    and they shall call his name Immanuel”

(which means, God with us).