Reverse

Thursday's visit with Mike was a tad better than last week. At least he walked with me. He didn't really want to, but once I got him moving he did fairly well. It was in the 40's and sunny, so I put his jacket on before we started walking. We didn't stay long, but at least he was able to sit in the sun for 10 minutes and breathe some crisp air.

When I pulled into the parking lot, I was directly facing his room and could see him rocking back and forth through the window. That's a sign of agitation or being uncomfortable or ???  Once in the room, I could see that his left leg was working up and down as his upper body rocked forward and back. So restless.

I spoke with the RN and asked if she would contact the Psych NP - Mike needs something to calm him.  When he first arrived at AH&R, the Psych. doctor took him off of Haldol immediately. Lots of facilities won't even take a person who is on Haldol and they were hesitant, but agreed to take him anyway. I was not sorry to see it go and asked if we could later try taking him off of Amantadine. That was done also. Neither of these seemed to affect Mike's behavior or comfort level, so the Psych. NP increased the Depakote. The nurses and I thought Mike seemed to get more agitated with the increase over a 3 week span. That's when the NP recommended putting Mike on Namenda and if he tolerated that well, then after a month or so we would begin to titrate down on the Depakote which was done slowly and then about 2 weeks ago stopped completely. It didn't work.

I was so impressed with this RN. She immediately called the NP and came back with an answer within 10 minutes or less. They are going to start Mike back on the Depakote.  I do think he was calmer when he was on a smaller dose of Depakote along with the Namenda. It's all trial and error.

Maybe now the gnawing feeling that the medication is a big part of the problem will go away. I've always wondered what he would be like if he were taken off of everything, but no one has wanted to try to do that in the past 5 years. At least here they dropped two and tried to drop a third. There was a small window in there where Mike was better than he is now. I hope putting him back on a smaller dose of Depakote will get us back there. Just watching him is exhausting, so I can't imagine how he makes it through the day. He really has no choice. That makes it so HARD! If only he could say how he is feeling or what he needs, but he cannot. Coveting your prayers for wisdom for the nurses, doctors, NP and me.

God's blessings to you all.

Conquerors

Visits with Mike the past few weeks have been discouraging. The omming is like a constant itch that you can't reach and thus the relief of a good scratch can't be realized. Doctors and nurses call it his self-soothing or comfort habit, but I often think Mike would gladly give it up, if he could. There are times when I sense that he is exhausted by his constant verbal companion, Mr. Omm, yet is powerless against him.

Two weeks ago, even though he could not interact with me verbally, he did walk with me a lot. It was too cold to go outside, so we kept the halls busy. He wanted to go outside, but every time we passed his room and I tried to maneuver him into his room to get a jacket, he stubbornly kept moving down the hall. Then when we would come to the door to go outside, it was a struggle to get him to turn around. Last week, with the help of the CNA, we put his jacket on before we tried to get him up to walk and then he refused to walk. Sigh... I coaxed him to the door of his room and then he started walking backwards to his chair. After a few attempts, I gave up.

I try to remember my counselor's wise advice and have "no expectations", but I have battled discouragement and anxiety more in the past several days. While I want to go see him, when the visits are like this, it is a struggle to go. I appreciate your prayers for us both.

Mr. B. continues to struggle to breathe. He has had at least one trip to the hospital due to pneumonia and is having breathing treatments still. Please pray for him too.

I spend time with the Lord every morning, and there are always nuggets of truth that keep me going even when I am discouraged. Here are a couple of verses that have been meaningful recently.

Romans 8:37

No, in all these things

we are more than conquerors

 through him who loved us.

In and of myself, I would be defeated, lost in my anguish 

and the anxiety that threatens to pull me under. 

Yet, because of Christ who loves us and gives us the victory, we are conquerors of those things that attempt to take our breath away and suck all of the life right out of us. We can be triumphant over the enemy who wants to throw us down and smear mud in our face. 

Psalm 37:4

Delight yourself in the Lord,

and He will give you

the desires of your heart.

Delighting comes before desires. My job is to delight or please the Lord. My concern should be always to bear witness for Him, think of Him first, please Him, glorify Him in all things and at all times. He knows my desires, but those are of secondary importance. I've walked with the Lord long enough to know that when my desires claim my attention, then my gaze has shifted and the desolation and problems soon take over and drag me down. Only when I delight in the Lord Jesus can His desires become mine and calmness be restored even when my situation remains the same. He is my refuge in the storm. 

I also need exercise and friends. Having my mind on Christ and the ability to move, stretch, and walk, plus walking with a friend where conversation is non-stop or talking with friends on the phone, anxiety melts away. God doesn't leave us to walk our hard paths alone. He is with us and He brings others along beside. If you are struggling through a difficult season, I encourage you to get into God's word every day; stretch, move, or walk; and seek out a friend (or friends) to share the path with you. This life is difficult and we need each other to stay strong in the Lord and stay out of the mire.

So GO! Delight yourself in the Lord

and be a mighty conqueror in Jesus' name!