Information

I have really been procrastinating writing this blog, but here goes….  A couple of weeks ago, my sister-in-law, Tracey, came over to discuss Mike’s CT scans. She had taken the disk I had from WakeMed and had one of her associates (actually his brother, I think) review the scans. One was taken in early June just after Mike arrived at WakeMed and the other was taken in October after Mike had fallen and hit his head. There was no change in the scans. The good news of that is he did not receive more damage in the fall, the bad news is there was no improvement from the initial TBI. Tracey asked if Diffuse Axonal Injury (DAI) had been explained to me.  No, I’d never heard those words. I heard swelling and bleeding on the brain and shearing.

Here is a link to a short video explaining DAI http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2RgzIjeKbXo and here is a portion of Wikipedia’s definition:

    Diffuse axonal injury (DAI) is one of the most common and devastating types of traumatic brain injury, meaning that damage occurs over a more widespread area than in focal brain injury.

    Unlike brain trauma that occurs due to direct impact and deformation of the brain, DAI is the result of traumatic shearing forces that occur when the head is rapidly accelerated or decelerated, as may occur in auto accidents, falls, and assaults.

    The major cause of damage in DAI is the disruption of axons, the neural processes that allow one neuron to communicate with another. Tracts of axons, which appear white due to myelination, are referred to as white matter. Acceleration causes shearing injury, which refers to damage inflicted as tissue slides over other tissue. When the brain is accelerated, parts of differing densities and distances from the axis of rotation slide over one another, stretching axons that traverse junctions between areas of different density, especially at junctions between white and grey matter. Two thirds of DAI lesions occur in areas where grey and white matter meet.

    The lobes of the brain most likely to be injured are the frontal and temporal lobes.

Mike’s frontal lobe has severe DAI. (Here is a good link that describes the functions of the Frontal Lobe. http://voices.yahoo.com/frontal-lobes-brain-functions-they-361802.html.) From a medical standpoint, the Axons and Neurons have been severely sheared to the point that they cannot regenerate or reconnect and no amount of therapy or rehabilitation is going to help him recover. I’d never seen the images or had them explained to me and I guess that was a good thing, because I would not have been ready to hear it or understand it.  I still don’t really understand, but have lived through enough in the past 16 months that it does help make some sense of all the chaos.  I do wonder how he can have those seemingly lucid times, if the damage is so great, but as Tracey reminded me, even when he seems clear, he is still not rational and does not think there is anything wrong with him. Also, those times are few and far between.  He’s had some very rough days this week at NR.  Even grabbed a staff member by the throat and threatened to kill them. This is NOT the Mike I married, but I am coming to grips with the fact that it is who Mike is now and unless God intervenes, this is our reality. 

I am reading Beth Moore’s book Believing God.  Here are a few quotes that I wrote in my journal on Aug. 12, the day before Tracey and I talked.  God’s perfect timing.  “All that will matter forever and ever in our heavenly state is the glory that came to God through our lives. Life is just a breath.” Mike was always such an out-spoken advocate for God. I believe and pray that people will remember him in that way, not as he is now. 

Beth talks about how God is able to do anything, He can perform a miracle in Mike’s brain, healing him perfectly, that is not too hard or impossible for God. However, God may not choose to do so, because He has a greater purpose in mind.  “If I don’t get my miracle, but God gets greater glory, I choose to believe I received the greater miracle with the most eternal dividends. Undoubtedly and ultimately we will be most blessed when God is most glorified.”  If somehow our story causes someone to come to know Jesus as their Savior, or strengthens another Christian, or helps someone else whose life has been flipped this way and that to focus on God, then Praise be to God!  Do I still pray for Mike to be healed?  Absolutely!  Will I still advocate for the best care and stick by him? By all means! I will continue to hope and expect improvement, but I will also research long-term facilities, because the reality now is that I cannot bring him home any time soon and maybe never.

The last think I wrote in my journal that day was: “2 Corinthians 4:16-17 I pray this is true for Mike – that he is inwardly being renewed day by day.”

2 Corinthians 4:16-17

“Therefore we do not lose heart.

Though outwardly we are wasting away,

 yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

 For our light and momentary troubles

 are achieving for us an eternal glory

 that far outweighs them all.”

God's Math

Spiritual Journal Entry

Aug. 8, 2013

God's Addition

according to 2 Peter 1:5-7

    Faith
+ Goodness
+ Knowledge
+ Self-control
+ Perseverance
+ Godliness
+ Brotherly kindness
+ Love                    
= Effective and productive in my knowledge of my Lord Jesus Christ.
   Having eyes that see and remembering that I have been cleansed from my past sins.

Definition of Knowledge - "information and skills acquired through experience or education"  How do we experience and educate ourselves about God? By knowing and obeying what He has given to us through His word and Jesus' example. Knowledge comes from God and the ability to follow His commands also comes from God. We just have to do the math and make every effort to add these in increasing measure.

Not sure he ever knew who I was.

"I'm a strong man."
Was his phrase of the moment.

Enjoying horseshoes

Aug. 14
I stopped at NR to have a meeting with Lisa and visit briefly with Mike before going to my sister,
Vivian's, for a few days. Mike was perseverative, but we went for a walk with the PT and LST. Afterwards, he rode the stationary bike and played horseshoes. He stopped repeating and could answer questions appropriately. His balance is not great right now and they are trying to use a gait belt, but he doesn't like it. We tried it once before and it caused more problems because it frustrated him. I wouldn't like someone holding on to me all the time either, but then he falls more easily. He's also back to drinking thickened liquids and a mechanical soft diet. So, of course, I'm wondering if it's the Clonazepam that was a new med started at Tucker. Just from on-line reading, it says it can be a sedative or muscle relaxant. Thankfully, since being at NR, they have stopped 3 medications! I've voiced my thoughts on the Conazepam to Lisa and she's going to check with the medical director.

Aug. 14-19

7:15 am
Sunrise & clouds on the mountains

I enjoyed spending time with Vivian and her husband, Mike G. The view from their house is gorgeous, as you can see.  Vivian and I worked a few hours organizing and cleaning in her 2nd grade classroom on Thursday and Friday, plus enjoyed a nice walk along a river in Marion.  Saturday, Mike G., Viv, and I went into Asheville for lunch and a movie. It was a fun visit with them. We read, ate very well (Mike and Vivian are great cooks!), watched movies, talked and I played/exercised with Wii Fit. Thanks for a great visit M&V!



While at their house, I received a couple of e-mails from Lisa the case manager at NR. Here are portions of those:

Aug. 16
I wanted to tell you that Mike has a had a couple of small falls the past two days. During one fall (9/14) he was playing horseshoes with staff outside and bent over to pick up the horseshoe and lost his balance. The second fall was yesterday and he tripped getting up from the table. Of course, he doesn’t usually want the gait belt on or contact guard assistance, but we are trying.

I also wanted to tell you what a great day he had yesterday. It sounds like the morning was a little rough (a little aggressive toward staff early in the morning) but the afternoon was great. Katie (LST) wrote this note in his daily notes: “Since 2pm, MR has been the best I have ever seen. Fully attentive; making sense, little repetition, asking to do things, gave 100% in Speech Therapy, smiling and laughing, trying to remember people’s names (staff). He wrote friends and family letters for a little over 2 hours this evening (his idea) and asked questions and was very polite all day. He was the happiest I have ever seen him and I feel blessed I got to spend today with him. He even told me, “I prayed for you earlier, Katie.”

Aug. 19
Mike had another great day yesterday. He helped drill and put together some stuff with the weekend Rec Therapist, Will. He also wrote some more family letters.

Isn't that great?! Yesterday I left Viv's and came back through Blacksburg to see Mike. Unfortunately, it was not a good day. Lots of repeating, the blank look, no recognition of me. I spent several hours with him, we played Sequence and went for a walk, but he really couldn't focus. Am heading back there now for a few hours and then on back to the farm. Am praying he's having a better day today.

Rest, Reflect, Renew

The Well Retreat Center, what a blessed place to retreat to in order to rest, renew, relax, read, reflect, respond, and meet with my Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ. I went to The Well feeling fragmented and disjointed, unable to calm the frantic pace that has been my life over the last 15 months since Mike’s accident. Tom and Linda Ashe, the Directors, gave me “permission” just to “be”, to sleep, and to follow the Holy Spirit’s leading as to what I read and did while there. What a gift! I found peace, quiet, and a retreat from all the responsibilities and pressures, plus found anew the hunger for more time in God’s Word. I’ve learned again the absolute need to grow in the knowledge of God through His word in order to stay pure of heart, and how journaling helps to solidify it in my mind and keep Him as my focus and center. I also relearned the importance of carving out time to rest and reflect. These I will strive to carve out time for daily, pushing aside the drive to constantly be busy with work or other activities. It has to be a conscious decision to choose what is of greatest priority and make it happen. God will meet me there. He is my all, my strength, my shelter, my strong tower, and refuge from the storm. May He also be yours. There have been many things that God has spoken to me through His Word and other books that I’ve read during my retreat, and I will try to share and post these on a more regular basis in the coming days.

The Friday & Saturday before going to The Well, I had a wonderful time visiting with our great friends, the Guthrie's. Is always a pleasure and joy to spend time with their amazing family and to see how the children continue to grow, mature, and blossom into beautiful children of God.  I enjoyed some laughs with W & LL over peanut-butter-balls-gone-wrong and ended up with "AD" (addictive disaster) as AJ dubbed it which was delicious. I played carpet ball with the 3 youngest, enjoyed a couple of hours of just talking with Kristin, LL painted my toenails and fingernails, and I appreciated being prayed over by Zack. Then I was off to Keegan's best friend's wedding which was another joyful event.  

Saturday night through Tuesday morning, I enjoyed spending time with Keegan and Amy in their apartment. We played games, ate well (Amy is a great cook), swam in the pool, and had some great conversations. My mom would always say she liked to be able to “picture” us in our homes and it really is a blessing.

Saturday night as I was lying in my bed back at the farm, I was praising God and being grateful for the gift of time with friends, family, Him and respite when a real sense of freedom, peace, and release came over me quite unexpected, yet very welcome. As though through praising, I finally let go of the last bits of burden and care that I’ve been carrying around and put my total focus, trust, and confidence in the Lord.

The Spirit keeps on bringing me to verses and reminders to “Stand still” or some variation of the same message. Isaiah 7:9b “…if you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all.” I Peter 5:8&9 “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.”   Did you notice that all the verses say “stand”?  It is not a passive act, we are to be standing, ready at a seconds notice to be obedient to our Master’s command, ready to run from the devil’s attempts to devour us.  I have heard recently of so many Christians who have fallen into Satan’s snares. Evidently they were not standing still, or on the alert, worldly allures can be very enticing. ANY of us can fall prey to the enemy. I would like to ask you all to be praying for me, that I would not fall into any traps that Satan is laying out to try to hurt my witness of Jesus Christ. I want to stay alert, firm in the faith, and only move when God says to move. It doesn’t even have to be a “big” stumble, there are a myriad of “small” ways to stumble.  Let’s increase our knowledge of God’s word and our focus on Him so that we can stand still, firm, and steadfast. Only listening, obeying, and moving at the sound of His voice. There is Spiritual warfare. Let’s keep our shields up, our swords in hand, and our armor on so that we bring Glory to God.