Last Thursday, September 4, I spoke with Kris, the social worker, at Central State. After having Mike at the facility for 2 weeks, they were starting to see his many "faces" - the faces that we live with on a daily basis. How sometimes he can focus and speak clearly, read, handle his ADLs (Activities of Daily Living), be cooperative and participate in Treatment Mall activities and then, without warning, he can be the exact opposite of all of those things. The perseveration increased again and redirection is difficult. As Kris and I talked, it was evident that he would not be coming home any time soon and we were talking about long-term solutions. Kris told me that District 19-CSB (Community Service Board) would be involved to assist in looking for a TBI facility.
This took me by surprise. You wouldn't think so, after all this time, but it did. I was still thinking I would bring him home and just have to have him more sedated. However, as we talked, realization was breaking through and I knew I could not continue to care for him in his current condition. I was breaking down mentally and emotionally. Just the same, it is a very difficult thing to decide to commit my husband, who is only 58 years old and strong of body, to a long-term care facility. After we hung up, I went for a long prayer walk to calm the panic and seek God's voice.
Shortly after Mike went to CSH, I felt that God was telling me to "let go". At the time, I thought it was letting go of feeling that I had made a mess of things and failed Mike, that I could have done more, letting go of my thoughts on medication, etc. As I walked and prayed on September 4, there was a real sense of "it's time, Jennifer, for you to let go of control of caring for Mike by yourself and entrust him to Me (God)." It hit me all of a sudden. I was starting to have a martyr complex, believing it was God's will that I bring Mike home and it wasn't. Just the night before, when I was praying, I told God that I was Mike's advocate, but I needed someone to advocate for me. Here was Central State Hospital staff and District 19 staff and they were doing exactly that...advocating for me (& Mike). The very fact that he needed more help than I could give him. That committing him to a long-term care facility wasn't abandoning him or even conceding that he may never get better, but the fact that a 24 hour facility was much better equipped to keep him safe, work with him at many levels, and give him the best chance of getting better or getting into a daily routine that would benefit him. Even if he doesn't understand this, hopefully he'll be able to accept it, in time.
Over the next few days, I talked with all of our immediate family on both sides. I think most of them had decided this needed to happen long ago. It is such a blessing to have the support of all of our family. It has been a long 28 months and they've been right with us for the long haul. Even though we all know this is the right step, it is still a sad reality. Please pray for peace for all of us. It's easy to get blindsided at times and dragged down by despair. Pray also for God's hand in where Mike will be placed. My prayer is that it is a progressive-thinking facility that will encourage participants to be the best they can be. One that will allow Mike to exercise and be involved in small daily tasks like setting the table, washing dishes, cleaning, raking, making a sandwich, etc. He does much better when he is active and feels useful, not helpless. Routine has always been important to him and with TBI I've read it's even more crucial. I know a facility will do a better job of that than I did.
With all of this, he will definitely have to go on Medicaid, so I am meeting with an attorney on Tuesday at 2:00 pm to start that process again. Please pray I remember all of the paperwork I need to take with me. Attorneys are expensive and I want to make the most of the initial appointment!
On Tuesday, God gave me a beautiful devotional as a reassurance that we're headed in the right direction. This is excerpts from Dr. Charles Stanley's daily devotional for September 9, 2014 entitled "The Blessings of Inadequacy". Comments in parentheses are mine.
"No one likes the fear and frustration of dealing with challenges that are too big to handle, but God can use them for our good.
Maybe you have never considered inadequacy a blessing. After all, it stirs up all sorts of uncomfortable emotions that make us feel insignificant and weak. But God can turn the negatives into blessings if we acknowledge our helplessness, depend on His strength, and step into our challenges with confidence in Him. Inadequacy can be a blessing since it:
• Drives us to God as we recognize our helplessness.
• Relieves us of the burden of trying to do God’s will in our own strength. (That would be me!)
• Motivates us to live in the power of the Holy Spirit.
• Provides an opportunity for the Lord to demonstrate what He can do. (Go Lord!)
• Increases our usefulness to God by replacing pride with humility.
• Allows Christ to receive all the glory. (Yes! Very important!)
• Gives us peace as we rely on Him.
Through the power of the Holy Spirit, believers have the ability to endure difficulty and accomplish whatever the Lord calls them to do. By claiming the adequacy of Christ, we can face every circumstance with a sense of confidence—not in ourselves but in God, who is capable."
Isn't that powerful? Such a blessing - I keep on re-reading it. Such a good reminder.
Mike will probably be at Central State for a good while. I know he would appreciate hearing from you. Be sure to include your return address as he likes to write letters sometimes. Even better, include an address label so he can just put it on the envelope. Here is the address:
Michael Rice
C/O Central State Hospital
Bldg. 94, Ward 4
P.O. Box 4030
Petersburg, VA 23803
