Do You Trust God? Part II

"If you pray that God will move a mountain and He doesn't,

assume Christ wants you to climb it instead and see Him transfigured.

God, please don't let me be the kind of person to whom You can say, 

'Unless you see miraculous signs and wonders,

you will never believe'."

Beth Moore/John 4:48

Do we seek Jesus more, as much as, or less than we seek things from Him? Do we view Him as the one to go to when we need something or do we simply desire to sit at His feet and be with Him? Are we able to quiet our spirit and racing thoughts so that we can hear His Holy Spirit and thus align our will to His? Are we so busy asking for a miracle that we fail to see the Miracle Worker? Have we become discouraged by the mountain or become complacent in the valley instead of putting one hard step in front of the other to climb with Jesus and experience new heights of understanding and new depths of closeness with our Lord? Does the prayer have to be answered only in the way we imagine in order for us to believe that God hears us?

Psalm 131

My heart is not proud, Lord,

    my eyes are not haughty;

I do not concern myself with great matters

    or things too wonderful for me.

But I have calmed and quieted myself,

    I am like a weaned child with its mother;

    like a weaned child I am content.

Israel, put your hope in the Lord

    both now and forevermore.

A weaned child - content to just be with their mother, trusting that she will provide whatever is needed at the proper time. The MacArthur Study Bible says: "David has been trained to trust God to supply his needs as a weaned child trusts his mother." This tells me that, no matter the circumstances or difficulties that come into our lives, we can find contentment by spending time with our Lord Jesus and trusting Him to provide exactly what is needed. We all know that needs are different from wants. None of us want pain, suffering, trials, persecution, sickness, etc. Yet, if we try to shortcut and avoid all pain, difficulties, and struggles, or try to get around the mountain when He is calling us to climb it, I believe we miss out on what we actually need to grow in our dependence on God and the richness of close communion with our Heavenly Father. When we find that we are able to enter His presence, calm, and quiet ourselves in the midst of the raging battle and be content to go wherever He is going, the struggles lose their power to overwhelm or defeat us because we are with Him. Then it's not about us at all, it's all about Jesus and accepting His perfect will for our lives.

Recently I was talking with a friend who shared that one of her favorite images of Jesus is one where He is sitting with little children around Him and one child is on His lap. She said there are times when she just imagines herself crawling up onto Jesus' lap just to be close to Him and how it is especially comforting during rough times. I love that! When all around is turmoil and uncertainty, we may always "crawl onto the lap" of our blessed Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ. In His embrace is security and serenity and the more we are with Him, the more we trust that His will and way are the best. Whether it's climbing a mountain of difficulty or losing a husband to TBI or losing a child, we discover that we certainly "can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". (Philippians 4:13)

Nancy Guthrie definitely understands that God's will is often not our will as she mourned the loss of 2 babies within the first 6 or 7 months of their lives. In her book Holding on to Hope she states it this way: "Often, I see the body of Christ put so much into pursuing God for healing. With great boldness and passion and persistence, we cry out to God, begging for physical healing. And in these prayers, there is often a tiny P.S. added at the end where we say, 'If it be your will.' But shouldn't we switch that around? Shouldn't we cry out to God with boldness and passion and persistence in a prayer that says, 'God, would you please accomplish your will? Would you give me a willing heart to embrace your plan and your purpose? Would you mold me into a vessel that you can use to accomplish what you have in mind?' And then, perhaps, we could add a tiny P.S. that says, 'If that includes healing, we will be grateful.' Isn't real faith revealed more through pursuing God and what he wants than through pursuing what we want? ....Rather than running from your suffering or trying to pray it away, would you embrace it and look for God in it? ....Would you hold tight to the truth that there is no meaningless suffering for a child of God (emphasis mine), and would you refuse to allow pain to be wasted in your life?"

"A willing heart". Everyday, we need to do a "heart check". Today is my heart willing and open to what the still, small voice of God's Holy Spirit is speaking to me or am I in self-mode, Martha-mode, what's popular mode or running on auto-pilot off of Sunday's worship service? Have I bowed my knee and will to Jesus today? Am I pliable in His hands every moment of every day? Am I giving up the things I want daily?

Luke 9:23-25 (NCV)

Jesus said to all of them, “If people want to follow me, 

they must give up the things they want. 

They must be willing to give up their lives daily to follow me. 

Those who want to save their lives will give up true life. 

But those who give up their lives for me will have true life. 

It is worthless to have the whole world if they themselves are destroyed or lost.

I desire to have that "true life", I don't want to waste the pain in my life, if God can use it for His glory. I want my "wants" to become God's wants. I want this trial, with all of it's pain, anxiety, despair, and pressure, to catapult me into new depths of love, trust, devotion, and risk for Jesus Christ. I want to know and to submit to His will for me, no matter the difficulties that come along the way. I want to be faithful to the Lord who has been so very faithful to me and trust that as I seek His face, He will show me the way He has for me. And above all, I want to reflect my Master and glorify His precious name. Jesus.

Philippians 3:8b-14 (NCV)

I think that all things are worth nothing compared with the greatness
 of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. Because of him, I have lost all those things,
 and now I know they are worthless trash. This allows me to have Christ and to belong to him.
Now I am right with God, not because I followed the law, 
but because I believed in Christ. God uses my faith to make me right with him.
I want to know Christ and the power that raised him from the dead. 

I want to share in his sufferings and become like him in his death. 

Then I have hope that I myself will be raised from the dead.

I do not mean that I am already as God wants me to be. 

I have not yet reached that goal, but I continue trying to reach it 

and to make it mine. Christ wants me to do that, which is the reason 

he made me his. Brothers and sisters, I know that I have not yet reached that goal, 

but there is one thing I always do. Forgetting the past and straining toward 

what is ahead, I keep trying to reach the goal and get the prize 

for which God called me through Christ to the life above.

I know that I am not yet what God wants me to be and I don't want to run away from the path he has for me. I want to persevere. I want to know Christ, the power that raised Him from the dead, and become like Him in His death. He was totally submitted to God and died a horrible death. He totally trusted His Father and was raised with power.

The goal seems a long way off, but I want to keep straining toward what God has ahead for me here on this earth and continue to look forward to that time when all pain and suffering will be a thing of the past when I see Him face to face in eternity. Obviously, God has not chosen to remove the TBI mountain, but we are assured that healing awaits Mike when he sees Jesus face to face in the life above. That is power and will be complete healing forever. No more falls, no more confusion, no more pain, no more suffering, no more tears or sadness. Oh what a day that will be!

Revelation 21:4 (NCV)

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, 

and there will be no more death, sadness, crying, or pain, 

because all the old ways are gone.”

In September, I had the privilege of a weekend in Raeford, NC with our former Sunday School teacher and her husband. What a wonderful time of rest and heart-sharing with a precious woman of God. Her husband had to work most of the time, but it was also a blessing to get to know him a bit better. They were both so hospitable and made me feel right at home. On my way from Stanardsville to Raeford, I had been anxious about Mike and the evening agitation he experiences. That morning I was undecided as to whether I should go back to The Harbor before heading to NC, but it would have added a lot of time to the day and really all I needed to do was speak with the nurse and doctor. Thankfully, I didn't let my anxiety dictate what to do, but instead lifted the burden to the Lord. I drove about one hour toward North Carolina and then stopped to call the nurse. I asked her to have the doctor call me and he did in just a couple of minutes! He listened to my concerns and made a couple of adjustments in Mike's medication which I told you about previously.

Anyway....as I continued driving down the road, I passed a sign (see photo) that said "Tightsqueeze". It gave me a laugh to think that a place was named that and it was so fitting to how I felt that morning that I did a U-turn so I could take a picture. Not 20 minutes later, I passed what looked like a used car lot and in HUGE letters across the top of their building was the following:  "NOT I, BUT CHRIST!"  I wish I had done another U-turn to get that photo, but alas, I didn't. I'd already stopped twice and thought I'd never get to my destination if I kept making U-turns. 

It was such a lesson from God to me that rainy Friday. Why do I worry and get anxious and in a tight squeeze when I can go to the source of peace and calmness at any moment? There really was nothing I could do for Mike except speak with the doctor. When I calmed my anxious thoughts and spoke with God, He spoke truth to my heart. Then in a humorous way there were signs along my path to remind me that when I'm in a tight squeeze I just need to remember that it's "Not I, but Christ!" He will guide and direct, if I trust Him and seek Him. His will is perfect and He is always available. I just need to walk with Him or crawl into His lap.  That I'm allowed to do that is miracle enough for me. I love you, Jesus.

Hello Changes, Goodbye Haldol

Hello Changes

I really have been working on Part II of the "Do You Trust God?", but have been distracted by many projects and changes lately. About a month ago, I was experiencing increased stress and anxiety. My Mom was not feeling real well and I desired to be home more to help her and Daddy, plus be with & advocate more for Mike. Working at the dentist office was stressful for me also. I felt scattered in too many directions and was having trouble focusing. I have also sensed that God is developing me as a writer and that I'm supposed to write more, but it takes a concerted effort for me to get still, read, pray, and get words down on "paper".  I am a "Martha" more than a "Mary" and like seeing projects completed. Writing takes a lot of time!

In the past few months, there have been times when I sensed I was supposed to write about a certain thing, didn't sit down and do it, and then when I did finally go to the computer, the words were gone. That made me uncomfortable. It's as though God was giving me a word to share, I didn't do it in a timely manner, and so He took it away. I don't want to miss God's will for me and have to figure out a schedule that permits time to write. I can't blame anyone else, it's all me. I love to dig in the dirt, planting flowers, and keeping weeds out so everything looks pretty. I also greatly enjoy being of assistance to Mom and Dad, travelling to be with Mike, and setting up the Media Shout for church. These things all have a more immediate form of satisfaction; however, I've found that when I do get a blog post done like the "Do You Trust in God?", I am exhilarated and want to share more of what I'm learning.

Tracey gave me a book called Upside: The New Science of Post-Traumatic Growth. I haven't read much yet, but the author, Jim Rendon, talks about how trauma and stress can cause new and positive changes in people's lives and how stress causes us to look for a solution.  As I looked at my stress, I saw that I could do something about being with Mom & Dad and Mike more if I let go of the stress of the paying job. So, after prayer and talking with family and friends, I have let go of working at the dentist's office so that I'm more available to Mike, Mom & Dad, and hopefully I will be more diligent in writing. This has decreased my anxiety level, so is a change that is benefiting me also. Not just in the anxiety area, but I believe it is how God has gifted me. I find my greatest joy in serving and helping others, plus sharing about Jesus. There's nowhere I would rather be than right here with Mom and Dad and being with Mike. I am comfortable in behind-the-scenes positions; however, God often calls us out of our comfort zones.

Our Sunday School class has been studying John Ortberg's book "If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat." I never cared for writing. English was my least favorite subject, especially grammar. So to think about being a writer, is scary. I don't feel like a writer, but I find that when I obey that still small voice and sit down at the computer, the words just come. So, I'm starting to stick my toe in the water and risk getting out of my comfort zone. I am researching ways to write short articles or devotional type blogs online and even ways to possibly make some money through these avenues. This is also out of my comfort zone (to make money while sharing about Jesus). Paul talks about this in I Corinthians 9, so I will see how God leads in that regard. Eventually, I'll also pursue getting our story turned into a book, but that seems too overwhelming currently.

Please pray that I will be sensitive to the guidance of the Holy Spirit and not squander the time I am given. I think it is especially hard for me when I see everyone working so hard physically on the farm and it's how I grew up. If we were sitting around reading or not looking productive, Daddy always found something for us to do! (He's still good at that!) :-) I'm trying to learn to walk to the "beat of a different drummer" amidst the busyness of a working dairy farm where there is always a lot of activity and projects and weeding and watering and trimming and...you get the picture. I have to remind myself often of my counselor's words: "Not my circus, not my monkeys." It's not my job to try to help EVERYWHERE there is a need. I also find myself thinking I deserve a night off to just vegetate in front of the TV if I've had a really busy day or am just tired. Not that it's necessarily bad occasionally, but I don't want to get into the habit. Again, seeking the Holy Spirit's guidance as to the best use of my time, not being lazy or procrastinating. I want to do His will for me.

A few weeks ago I had a sudden revelation. It dawned on me that when I prayed I always asked for God's will to be done in Mike's and my life as though God had one will for the two of us. Suddenly I realized that I cannot live out God's will for Mike's life! I can only live out God's will for my life! Yes, I love Mike and I am his wife and guardian and have to make many decisions for him, but I cannot live his life for him or only do things in my life because they benefit Mike. I must follow the path that God has laid out for me, and trust God to work out His will in Mike's life. We are still connected, but we are also still two different individuals. This realization was so freeing for me and helped me decide to step out of the boat and take a God-sized risk.

Goodbye Haldol

Dr. B has taken Mike off of the last bit of the anti-psychotic drug, Haldol. Yay! The Seroquel has been increased, but it is supposed to be a milder anti-psychotic. I went up Wednesday afternoon and spent almost all day last Thursday and half a day on Friday with Mike. To be honest, he doesn't look real well. He does have a chest cold and I think all of the falls have taken a real toll on his body. Physically he has declined in the last year. His left leg was weakened by the accident and he seems to be having more trouble with it now. We try to make sure he walks with the walker or scoots around in the wheelchair, but because he is so impulsive, it is hard to always monitor his activity. 

I pushed him in the wheelchair up by the rehab facility.
He helped get up the hill by using his feet.

We played Yahtzee in the afternoon, and he beat me 369 to 287. Thursday afternoon, I took him for a short drive up to Lydia Mountain. He did well, but since it was shortly before supper, he didn't want to do too much exploring. By supper time, I think he is brain fatigued and loses the ability to break out of the repetitive "o" or humming sounds. He is much more subdued which makes him easier to handle, but is also difficult to see since he was such an active guy.

This brings me to the other GODincident. Way back in June, a friend from church, Lisa, sent me an email about a God-encounter she had while on their family vacation. Her youngest daughter started playing with another little girl at the beach and then the parent's started talking and later the 2 moms went to pick up pizza so that they could all eat together. As they talked and learned about each other, the other lady, C, said that she was a Brain Injury Specialist, Lisa felt a quickening of her spirit and knew that the Holy Spirit was at work. Lisa told her about Mike and in God's amazing ways had connected Lisa with C, a Brain Injury Specialist, who only lives 10 minutes from The Harbor!

C and I have sent text messages back and forth and phone tagged each other several times over the past few months, but our schedules had never meshed. I had sent her a text last week letting her know when I would be in town, but again her schedule was full during that time. Evidently after my October 8th post, Lisa called or sent a text to C to ask if she could meet with me, so Friday morning I received a text from C saying she had a little time that morning, if I could meet with her. We made it happen and I am quite impressed with her knowledge of the brain and the success stories she relayed to me from other brain injury and stroke cases. 

Her treatment is an alternative to traditional medicine and makes so much sense to me. I don't begin to understand what she really does, but the way she described it to me was "like acupuncture, but without the needles". She uses pressure points in strategic areas of the body that correspond to the different neurotransmitters to increase the communication across the brain. (I have no idea if I'm saying that right.) Anyway, she is going to send me the intake papers and then we will figure out the logistics of getting Mike started on the treatments. She believes 2 hour sessions would be best and that it will take approximately 20 hours total. Currently she works in Orange, but will soon have an office on her property. She was willing to come to The Harbor to work with him, if they have a room, but I'm not sure that is going to work out. 

Last Wednesday, as I was packing to head to Stanardsville, I received a call from the Speech Therapist who has been working with Mike. It wasn't real good news. Unfortunately, Mike will cooperate and work well with her when they are at the Rehab facility, but will not do the same things when he is at The Harbor whether with her or one of the other staff. It sounds all too familiar. Mike could act so much better when we were at church, or with a group of people than he could at home. There is something in Mike that makes him want to go, plus he thrives on the undivided attention. Due to the fact that he is not showing any forward progress in his day-to-day eating habits, she had to discharge him from therapy. The goal is to get him to slow down when he eats, chew his food, and swallow before putting more in his mouth so that he can go back on solid foods and thin liquids.

When sharing about these struggles with C, she knew what part of the brain was damaged and believes with treatment we can see improvement. I figure we don't have anything to lose by trying. Saturday I received the following text message from C: "Glad we could meet. I know some of the folks from the church you connected with here. They contacted me last night to see if I could help him, as well. Several have been clients in the past. They are good people." I believe God is in the midst of this and connecting the dots. I mean, how cool is it that from two "chance" (Not Really!) encounters we are connected with a church and a brain injury specialist all within 10 minutes of Mike, I met them both in two days, and then people from the church contact C about Mike also!! It was all just a matter of God's timing. Now we pray and keep moving, trusting the Lord to continue to make the path clear. All praise to our awesome God!

Thank you, my precious prayer warriors! 

Totally a GODincident!!

Philippians 4:5-7 (NRSV)

Let your gentleness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. 

Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication

 with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, 

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

This morning, I spent a few hours with Mike and after his lunch, he was ready for a nap. Previously, there was nowhere in Stanardsville to eat so I would drive out to Rt. 29 which is about 10-15 minutes away. A few visits ago, one of the staff told me that there is now a little restaurant in Stanardsville that is open for lunch, so today I decided to check it out. It's called The Greene Eatery (is in Greene County). A cute little place that serves soups, salads, and sandwiches. It was such a lovely day that I decided to eat outside on their front porch. The porch was small with about 6 tables-for-two. I chose a table, sat down with my drink, and began reading my book while I waited for my spinach salad and tomato bisque soup. Right beside me was a younger couple. It was hard not to hear what they were saying since it was so cozy out there. 

First I heard them give thanks to God for their food and the Holy Spirit whispered to me to ask them if they were connected with a church nearby that might be interested in volunteering with Mike. My food arrived and I prayed and summoned my courage to interrupt their conversation.  Then I heard them talking about how fun it was to eat outside and that they should do it more often. One of them mentioned that Stonefire Kitchen had outdoor seating and wondered if it was any good. I've stopped there several times, so jumped right in, apologized for eavesdropping and told them it was really good. And...since I've already interrupted you, I noticed that you thanked God for your food. Do y'all live around here and go to a local church? Yes. 

So I blurt out my situation and request. They were very gracious and then the man tells me that he is the pastor of Gateway Church and hands me his card!!  I had seen their sign on Rt. 33 and had written the name down as one to call regarding volunteers, but just hadn't gotten my nerve up to call. It's also the church that I had hoped we could take Mike to when our friends from Canada were here. I am so thankful that God intervened and helped me be bold!! I'm trying to be more obedient to His still small voice, no matter how uncomfortable I may be. What a blessing! Anyway the Pastor said he would ask the men of his church and I really believe that God is up to something beneficial for Mike. Prayers appreciated!

I have 2 other blog posts in the works, have just been sidetracked lately. As for now, it's time for bed. I love you! Jesus loves you a whole lot more! :-)