Miraculous Christmas

Just a quick note with lots of praise and thanks to God for how miraculously well Mike is doing. Having a wonderful hotel Christmas with most of the Rices and a very calm and clear Mike. Woo hoo! ! Best Christmas present I (we) could receive. Thank you Jesus! !

Our Christmas Card to You

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

May each and every one of you have a wonderful celebration of the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ, remembering that He came to give us eternal life through His death and resurrection. God gave us the greatest gift ever when He sent Jesus to earth. It truly is a Merry Christmas!

I am excited and a little nervous about our Christmas plans. The Ohio Rices', Keegan, Amy, Mike, and I are all spending Christmas together at a hotel in Roanoke. We will pick Mike up on Tuesday and take him back on Thursday. Please be in prayer that this will be a miraculously blessed time and that Mike will be calm and able to enjoy the time together. I saw him for a few hours last Thursday along with my friend, Debbie, and most of the time he did great. May the Lord grant that these times will continue and become more and more frequent.

Just this weekend, it has been decided that Mike and I will move in with my brother and his wife, Hugh & Tracey. This will be a quieter location away from the main workings of the farm.  They are away from home most of the day so it will be a peaceful place for me to work with Mike, plus if necessary, they would be able to help at times. We hope to have Mike home by mid-January or earlier. We have a great Primary Care Physician, but I need to find the other doctors necessary for Mike's care like a neuro-psychologist and/or neuro-psychiatrist, and possibly a neurologist. I am also in contact with an agency for in-home assistance. If you live in the Richmond, Petersburg, or Farmville area and have any knowledge good or bad of these types of doctors or in-home agencies, I would appreciate your input. My e-mail address is mcjrrice@gmail.com. Please also be praying about this transition. 

Since everyone knows how our year has been, our Christmas card to you is a short skit that the Lord gave to me for the Grace UMC Christmas Community Gathering which I will copy and past below. I love you and appreciate each of you so very much. Merry Christmas!

IT'S ALL ABOUT JESUS!!

It’s all about Jesus. Do you know that?  I mean REALLY know that?! Christmas is Jesus.  Jesus IS Christmas! Jesus, God’s Son. Think about that for a minute. The Son of God!! God, the Almighty, the maker of heaven and earth. Our creator! The reason that we are breathing right now!  Jesus, who was with His Father…GOD… gave up His life of glory to be born a baby here on earth. We like to romanticize it, but it was a stable, with smelly animals, manure, straw, hay, maybe even some mice. Jesus left His glorious home in heaven to be born to human parents in a smelly stable. The Holy Son of God, transformed into a human baby for us.

Yeah, a baby. God likes to do things in unusual ways. The Apostle Matthew tells us that when Joseph discovered that Mary was going to have a baby, “he had in mind to divorce her quietly.” BUT…”an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, ‘Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins’.”  This took place to fulfill what the prophet Isaiah said, “The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel.” Immanuel means “God with us.”… GOD WITH US!.... He is right here…. with us! Amazing!

I was just reading in Luke chapter 2. Luke tells us that an angel of the Lord also appeared to shepherds living out in the fields and they were terrified! The glory of the Lord was so bright that it lit up all around them. The angel said: “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a SAVIOR has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.” Then a huge gathering of angels praised God and said “Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.”

This is so true!  When we believe and accept all the Bible tells us about Jesus, our Spirit is at peace and rest. And you know the best part?  This is true for all eternity, not just here.  Christmas is just the beginning of the story of Jesus on earth. He lived a sinless life as God’s Son, giving us an example to follow. His death on the cross, paid the penalty (or price) for all of our sins. His resurrection from the dead conquered death and Satan once and for all and gives us reason to rejoice! His victory over death gives eternal life to all who believe and accept Him.

It IS ALL about Jesus. It always has been, from the very beginning. Jesus IS Christmas. Without him there is no hope, no eternal life, no party, no celebration.  Jesus came to be our Savior, our Redeemer, our Lord. With Jesus, there is life, abundant life both now and forever.

God loves us so much, all we have to do is believe and receive as He tells us in John: “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him. Whoever believes in Him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son.”

Do you believe? Don’t delay. Don’t miss out! Jesus is holding His gift of salvation out to you. His arms are out-stretched, the price has been paid - all you have to do is reach out and receive it. He loves you so much and He wants you to have it. That’s why He came. The very first Christmas gift was from God to us and it was enough. His gift was Jesus! JESUS is Christmas!

There’s a great Christmas hymn that tells the message we’re talking about. Come on everybody let’s sing  “Come Thou Long Expected Jesus”.

Characters and audience sing: “Come Thou Long Expected Jesus” by Charles Wesley

1.         Come, thou long expected Jesus,

            born to set thy people free;

            from our fears and sins release us,

            let us find our rest in thee. 

            Israel's strength and consolation,

            hope of all the earth thou art;

            dear desire of every nation,

            joy of every longing heart.

2.         Born thy people to deliver,

            born a child and yet a King,

            born to reign in us forever,

            now thy gracious kingdom bring.

            By thine own eternal spirit

            rule in all our hearts alone;

            by thine all sufficient merit,

            raise us to thy glorious throne.

A Good Friday

Last Friday, Faye (a friend from church) and I drove up to see Mike and spend a few hours with him.  He was playing Sequence when we arrived and then got stuck on "my wife is here". However, once we went back to his room and I started pulling out articles of clothing that I brought to him, he stopped repeating and started putting things away in his drawers or hanging them in his closet. I had brought a newsletter from missionary friends of ours, plus his college magazine, etc. Instead of reading the newsletter, he immediately wanted to tape it to his wall. While the LST went to get some tape, I started reading the letter to him and then he sat beside me and read the rest of it himself. Once done, he taped it to his wall where he has family photos and other newsletters and cards. I am so appreciative to everyone who continues to write to him. I think he enjoys the mail very much, and the staff is jealous of how much mail he receives! Thank you!

After the letter, I gave him his Asbury University magazine, and he started reading an article. Lisa (CM) came to get me so that I could meet with her and Srdj (RN) for an update. I told Mike I would be back in a little while and he continued to read aloud.  The staff has seen improvement in the last 2 weeks or so. Less aggression, better cognition. Dr. Rooker has slowly increased the Depakote and Seroquel to a therapeutic level and is maintaining it there for now. When I returned to the room, Mike was still reading....the same paragraph over and over.  I put my finger on the next paragraph and started reading that and he then picked up there and continued to the end of the article even flipping the page and starting on the next one.  I wish I had tried to see if he could remember anything he read, but I didn't think of that at the time.

We tried to see if he would like to go out to lunch, but when we attempted to close the magazine or take it, he became agitated and so Faye and I just went and brought lunch back to him. He ate the majority of his lunch and then we went for a walk. While walking, he remembered some things he needed from the store so wanted to turn around. His conversation was appropriate and clear. He is very impatient, but was much easier to distract and did not become aggressive when having to wait for the car. At Wal-Mart, he knew exactly what he wanted, and did much better at being aware of others and not bull-dozing straight ahead. The lines were long and slow. Mike said to me "Tell me candidly, do you want to live in Virginia? Then start looking for a house for us." He was so much clearer cognitively, but still has no awareness of his mental limitations or un-cognitive times. Thankfully, he let us know that he needed to go to the bathroom (hurray!) so the LST, Amanda, took him while Faye and I waited in line. We had barely moved when they returned and so Mike looked at Amanda and asked "Do we have a car?" Amanda - "yes." Mike - "Then lets go, they can take care of this."

By the time we returned, it was about time for us to head back home. Mike was just finishing his snack of homemade fruitcake that Mom and I had made, so I told him Faye and I were going to have to leave soon. He said "Then go." So we did! I kissed him and told him I loved him. He followed us to the door, gave me a hug and kiss and told me he loved me.  Before we could pull out of the parking space, he had come out and kissed me through the window then walked back to the building. When we turned to drive by the building, he came over again, but each time he just kissed me, said he loved me and turned around to go back to the building. Not agitated or pleading to come with me.  It's so helpful when he seems content and settled. Unfortunately, upheaval is coming again soon.

He will probably be home mid-to-late January and, at this point, probably for good or at least the foreseeable future. I hope what we saw on Friday, is sustainable and he will continue to improve. Please pray about the logistics of bringing him home. I am going to start contacting in-home assistance agencies, and need to work on a regular schedule of activities, chores, exercise, therapy, Bible study, games, etc. He plays a lot of Sequence and sometimes Monopoly with the LSTs. I'll be looking for some volunteers to come help occupy him also. (hint, hint!)

Started this earlier in the week and just never got back to finish it, so will send it on until I can write another one.  Been a full, but productive week. I have talked with Mike a few times and each time he has been able to speak sensibly with me. I may hear him fuss at the staff, but he didn't get stuck and keep repeating over and over. A real plus!  We had a great Community Christmas Gathering at church on Wednesday night and I helped with a skit for that, the UMW met for a Christmas supper tonight at a restaurant in town, and Mom and I are going with our cousins, Betty & Bubba to a play tomorrow, so we are already celebrating Christmas BIG around here and haven't even done much decorating yet!  Christ the Savior is born! Hallelujah!

God at work.

The meeting today with Senator Frank Ruff and the Executive Director, Anne McDonnell, of BIAV went very well, I believe.  I simply shared our situation and the fact that there is no facility equipped to handle Mike, plus TBI doesn't fall under any of the established definitions. Anne spoke with Senator Ruff about the funding over the past 7-10 years, number of people being served vs the number needing services, the definition of the proposed Universal Waiver and the need for brain injury to be included in conversations about that waiver. Senator Ruff was sympathetic, but cautioned that whenever lines are shifted, someone always ends up in the proverbial crack. He did ask Anne to e-mail him the key points and numbers before December 5, his filing deadline.

Anne spoke also about the nursing facility BrainTree in Massachusetts and how that costs Virginia $1,000/day per person that is sent from Virginia. That is about 3X the cost of where Mike is, so if Virginia had a similar facility, that would mean 3 people could be served instead of 1, plus it would bring jobs to Virginia. Senator Ruff wondered if the training centers that are being closed across Virginia would be suitable facilities to be turned into something like BrainTree. I don't know if this is an original idea of his or if that has already been circulating, but it sounds good to me.  

I am not a political person, and I have no idea what may come of this meeting, but Anne was quite excited and God's hand was very evident in several ways. 1. How quickly and easily this meeting was set up. 2. Anne was in Richmond today. 3. Timing - 2 days before Senator Ruff has to have papers filed for the next session. 4. Both gave me names of people to contact who may be of help to our particular situation. 5. Our family friend, Harrison Moody, has contacted Delegate Dance to try to set up a meeting. 6. My uncle, Wendell, wrote his delegate. Anne knows her, so the circle is connecting.

I asked Senator Ruff if having family and friends write letters would help heighten TBI needs and action or just be annoying. He said if the delegate or senator is already supportive, then it doesn't really help to bombard that office. What is helpful is to try to get constituents across the state to contact their delegate and senator so that the entire state is hearing the same message, not just one or two districts. So, I believe Senator Ruff has received the message and will do what he can to promote action on behalf of TBI survivors.  For those of you living in other parts of the state, I would appreciate it if you could write a letter to your legislators. We are particularly asking for funding for services for TBI survivors, inclusion in a Universal Waiver that is not restricted by age, and development of facilities within the state to handle those with multiple issues and particularly (for folks like us) neuro-behavioral issues.

After the meeting, I decided to go see a movie. Hit it just right for the one movie that looked good to me (God again!). I arrived at 1:50 and the movie started at 2:10. It was a wonderful Christmas movie called The Christmas Candle based on a book by Max Lucado. I thoroughly enjoyed it. If you get a chance, go see it. 

Thank you for praying!

The Peace of God

Philippians 4:7 (ESV)

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,

will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

The last couple of weeks have been extremely stressful. I'll hit the major points.

• After receiving information from NeuroRestorative, the nursing home in South Boston, VA called to say that they were not equipped to handle Mike.
• NeuroRestorative (NR) believes our only option is a state hospital on a TDO (temporary detention order), which in this case means he is a danger to himself or others, because otherwise, state hospitals say they do not handle TBI survivors. This can only be done through the CSB (community service board) in his home area and as long as he is in a facility that can handle him, the CSB will not step in.
• That would mean Mike will come home and if we have a threatening situation, then we take him to an emergency room, and hope the CSB will refer him to the state hospital rather than just give him a shot and send him home (which was done twice previously). I don't really want Mike to go to a Psych facility, as the more he is confined, the worse he is; however, I also know I am not equipped to handle him.
• The only other possible option is to contact the over 200 facilities in Virginia, be turned down by the majority of them, have Mike on Medicaid, and then he could possibly be sent to BrainTree in Massachusetts. Virginia Medicaid has an agreement with BrainTree and there are several Virginia TBI survivors there now. This facility is experienced and equipped to handle all areas of Mike's care, plus they have a more progressive treatment plan for TBI survivors than NR. Virginia does not have any facilities like this. While this would make it difficult for me to see Mike, it may be the best possible place for him at this time. I have started typing the address labels for the 200+ facilities and Lisa at NR is mailing me the information she sent to the other nursing homes.
• One ray of hope in these past 2 weeks was a very extensive e-mail from the mother of a TBI survivor who shared her experience and knowledge from the past 12 years of her son's recovery. Her informative and encouraging e-mail is more valuable to me than anything I've heard or read over the past 19 months. Her son also has diffuse axonal injury, but the brain has continued to heal and try to be "efficient" despite severe frontal lobe damage and shrinkage. She said if she told her son about Mike's current condition, he would shake his head and say "early days". Her main advice to me was not to think in terms of long-term placement. Not to settle for the way things are now and never give up hope. 
• Brain Injury is so extremely slow, it is like no recovery that we have ever been familiar with in the past. Yet, there is still hope that Mike will get past this phase and become calmer and able to be at home, productive, and part of the family again.
• Dealing with Medicaid, NC Retirement System, learning about trust funds, and talking with various organizations and people, I learned that I didn't know what in the world I was doing! I have contacted the lawyer again to help me sort all of this out. She is reviewing what I have done, and I hope to hear from her tomorrow or Wednesday to know if she can help me.
• Some things happen very fast. I e-mailed our state senator, Frank Ruff, and will meet him face-to-face tomorrow, Tuesday, December 3 at noon to tell him the barriers we have faced in finding the right care for Mike in Virginia. I also invited Anne, the Executive Director of BIAV (Brain Injury Association of Virginia) to join us. I can share our personal story and Anne can speak more about what legislation is needed. Please pray about this meeting. I am going to ask Senator Ruff what would be the best way to get the attention of the state in this matter and will let you know what you can do after our meeting.  My brother-in-law, Ed, has drafted a template of a letter that can be personalized and sent to the various state legislators. If Senator Ruff thinks this is the best way, I'll post the template on here.
• Over the weekend, various family members fasted and prayed for our situation. This passage from Isaiah stood out to me. Isaiah 5:19 "Woe....to those who say, "Let God hurry, let him hasten his work so we may see it. let it approach, let the plan of the Holy One of Israel come, so we may know it." I have definitely asked God to hurry up, but that is not His way. On the same day, this insight from Luke 10:41,42 by Elizabeth Burkhart met me: "do not become so involved in details, so tied up in planning for the future that you forget to live today. only one thing is necessary, I am present here, now..."  Stay focused on God and praise Him continually.
•  I also thank God that He prompted Keegan and Amy to come for the weekend. It was such a joy to spend time with them. We talked, prayed, watched football and played games together. They were just what I needed to get my mind off of all of the above. 
• Another true God-incident....A friend of my cousin, sent me a small, yet powerful book called The Cycle of Victorious Living by Earl and Hazel Lee. Such perfect insight for this crucial time in our situation. Don't fret. Do commit, trust, delight and rest in the Lord. The Lee's quote Oswald Chambers as saying "All our fret and worry is caused by calculating without God."  Eph. 3:20-21 "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory." "Use the power God has given you to do something about the situation that could cause you to fret." "Fret is often removed not by praying but by doing." I also liked what they said about "Commit-Hands Down". It is a great visual of releasing our hold by turning our palms down instead of up. Palms up, the object has to be taken from our hands and can leave traces of the object on our hands. Turning the palms down indicates truly releasing the object or situation totally to God's control. Delighting and rejoicing in the Lord is essential. Praising Him for who He is, not what He does.
• Today, I have had the greatest peace, joy, and lightness of Spirit. Something I have not had for quite some time. I believe the fervent prayers and fasting of our families, have truly lifted the heavy burden of stress I was carrying last week. A couple of times today, I felt the joy of Jesus bubbling up inside of me like a fountain about to overflow. Very unexpected and surpassing understanding - a joy and peace that can only come from the Lord. Our situation has not changed, but a battle was waged this weekend against the powers of darkness on our behalf and I am reaping the harvest of joy for which Christ won the victory long ago.  All praise to our Heavenly Father, Lord Jesus, and Holy Spirit! Philippians 4:6-7 from The Message sums it all up beautifully:

Philippians 4:6-7 (MSG)

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Amen! and Amen!

The Heaven's Declare

Billy Graham said "There is a language in nature that speaks of the existence of God. It is the language of order, beauty, perfection, and intelligence."

Psalm 19:1-4

"The heavens declare the glory of God,

and the sky proclaims the work of His hands.

Day after day they pour out speech;

night after night they communicate knowledge.

There is no speech; there are no words;

their voice is not heard.

Their message has gone out to all the earth."

I see God every day.

Prayers and Advocacy

Lately, I've been praying that the Lord would really impress on Dr. Rooker (the psychiatrist) and Dr. McCrady (medical director at NR) what to do that will really help Mike be on a sustainable, even keel.  Up until now, every medication change has not made a lasting difference and it seems that somehow, someway, there is something that will make a difference. Obviously I don't know what that is and neither do any of the therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, physiatrists, PCP's or any other doctor that has seen Mike in the last 19 months. God is the Master Physician who created these amazing bodies of ours so He knows exactly what Mike needs. Please, please, please pray this prayer with me. We need a calmer, more easily managed Mike both for him and all those around him, as well as, in order to find a placement for him.

State Hospitals are area specific, difficult to get into, and frankly the last resort in my mind. Mike is so much worse when he is more restricted. Training Centers are for the ID patients. (Intellectually Disabled prior to age 18).  Assisted Living Facilities need Mike to be able to do more on his own. My Mom and I visited a really nice one just 30 minutes from here called Helton House. They do not have any openings, plus Mike needs more supervision than they are equipped to provide. They do have ID houses, but again....see above.

I did contact one nursing home, Berry Hill, this week in South Boston, VA that has 2 TBI patients already. I did not get into details over the phone, but I sent the admissions office the summaries on Mike. Yesterday I called to see if my packet was received, but had to leave a message for Tracey.  Please, please, please, pray that if this is God's will, they would be willing to take Mike. I hope to speak with Tracey at the beginning of the week and try to visit their facility this week also.

I just returned from a day spent in Richmond at a TBI Caregiver's Forum. It was good, OK, actually some of it was sort of depressing.  There just isn't much help out there for our TBI survivors or us and while there is a lot of information, websites, and resources, everyone's situation is so different that there is no clear path to follow.  I guess I should be encouraged by some of the stories of how other's loved ones have recovered, but honestly right now it feels like that will never be us.  HOWEVER, there is always HOPE with GOD.   Matt. 19:26 "...with God all things are possible."  Luke 1:37 "For nothing will be impossible with God."

I am more energized to write to our Virginia state legislators and would appreciate any of you other VA residents writing as well.  Just go to virginiageneralassembly.gov and in the middle at the top click on "who's my legislator?", on the next screen, type in your address and their names will pop up, plus a bar below where you can click and send a message right there. The major need is to have brain injury included in the waiver system and funding to be available to brain injury survivors. The Executive Director of BIAV, Anne McDonnell, was a great speaker and said the reason we aren't getting the funding is because we aren't making enough noise. Time to visit and write to my legislators.  All help appreciated.

The search will continue and the fight is on.

The Changing Eyes of Mike

Luke 11:34

"Your eye is the lamp of the body. When your eye is good,

 your whole body is also full of light. 

But when it is bad, your body is also full of darkness.

We can really tell by Mike's eyes what type of mode he is in, which reminded me of the above verse. I believe the verse is actually talking about what we look at and take in and making sure that it is pure and good. Being sure not to take in evil or look at things that are bad and will contaminate our bodies, filling them with darkness. However, I am using it as an analogy of how Mike acts and reacts. When his eyes focus and light up, he can remember past things, hold a conversation, play a game, eat calmly, go to the bathroom, be cooperative, recognize that others are with him and there is a glimpse of the old Mike.  When his eyes are fixed and dark, he can do none of those things, all is dark, unknown, and unseeing.

Friday I arrived in the mid afternoon and for the first hour or two, Mike mainly ignored me. There was no light, recognition, or life in his eyes.  Just an unfocused look that didn't even seem to see me. He was working on a Word Search with the help of Jordan and would say "I'm not good at THESE!" then "Put the game aWAY!" We did go for a walk eventually, and at one point Jordan asked him who I was and he said "My wife, Jennifer." So he did know, but didn't want anything to do with me.  

Saturday morning when I arrived, he was watching a movie. I said hi and squeezed his hand and he pushed me away. We watched the movie for a while and he would yell out different phrases or tell people to be quiet. By lunchtime, he was doing better, ate all of his spaghetti and part of mine then wanted to walk. We ended up taking a long walk and he was doing really well, listening to Kira and I talk and occasionally interjecting an appropriate comment. When we came to a fork in the path, Kira and I were deciding which way to go and Mike became very worried that we were lost which started the downward spiral. "We're lost! We're lost!" accompanied by grabbing or jerking our arms. This continued for the rest of the 15 minutes we walked and continued about 10 minutes after we arrived back at NR. Thankfully, James found the Va. Tech football game on Mike's TV and we were able to watch the last quarter of that before Mike entered the dark eyes phase again repeating over and over "Boston College is winnING!". Something I have noticed this time is that he really accentuates the last word or syllable of a word when he is perseverating and he gets louder and louder.

About a month ago, his medication was changed. Klonopin was discontinued and Depakote gradually introduced. Due to aggression, Seroquel was added. The interesting part is that his perseverative times seem more intense, but his "clear" times seem more clear, as well. During the bad times, he may slap his hand on the table or stomp his feet, hit or kick. During the clear times, he remembers people's names, how they are related or things that happened in the past which is an improvement.  However, we never know when he's going to have light eyes or dark eyes and it can change in a second. Unfortunately, the dark outweighs the light considerably. 

I had really hoped to be able to take him to church yesterday. I searched on line and found a contemporary service that met in a middle school. I called NR about 9:15 and Mike was doing well, had just finished breakfast, and they were going to get him showered and dressed.  When I arrived about an hour later, he was very perseverative and none of us could distract him or engage him in any activity or conversation. He was holding the cards to Sequence and slapping the table saying "These are not the SAME!" over and over. After about 20 minutes, I decided to go on to church. I couldn't do anything for him and I needed to be in Worship. 

God is so good. The songs & sermon were wonderful and the young woman who sat beside me is a nurse who works in a brain surgery department of a local hospital. After the service we talked for a good while and it was just such a blessing, because she understood to some degree the challenges we are facing. Also more prayer warriors were added to our army who are storming the gates of heaven on our behalf! If you're in the Blacksburg area, check out Northstar currently meeting in the Blacksburg Middle School on Prices Fork Rd. Jesus is definitely there. 

After grabbing some lunch, I went back to NR and Mike was in a very agitated state wanting to go somewhere. We finally got him in a vehicle and tried to just take him for a ride, but he was hitting the seat, taking off his seatbelt, and yelling "Let me GO!" Back at NR, he eventually settled down enough to play Sequence, then we watched a TV show and he was doing so well at that point that I asked to take him to Waffle House.  We went and he was terrific!  He ate an entire All Star Breakfast, a quarter of my waffle, and 2 cups of hot chocolate. His conversation was appropriate, he was calm and cooperative and ate slowly.

As soon as we walked out of the door, he said he wanted to go to Wal-Mart. We said no, it was too late and Wal-Mart too far away. That set him off and he started throwing a tantrum, basically. We got him into the NR vehicle, Peggy locked him in, and headed straight back to NR. I headed to Silvia's and called to check that they had arrived back safely. They did and this morning said he had slept all night. 

This erratic behavior is making it very difficult to find a placement for Mike and this weekend helped me again see that I cannot handle him on my own. I had a meeting with the staff this morning, and they are going to check into the remaining Training Centers in the state. Lisa and Ivan believe that would be the best fit for Mike of the options that are available.  It is heartbreaking, especially after I see a glimpse of the real Mike, but that is so rare.  

Well, I need to hit the road back to Blackstone. I tried to see Mike after my meeting this morning, but it was not a good morning, so I came on back to Silvia's, ate her delicious leftovers (Thank you Silvia!) and wanted to get an update on here.  Next I'll have to tell you about the 2 beautiful country weddings last month and other happenings.  As always, thank you for keeping up with us and especially for your prayers and love.

Be Separate!

Isn't it great that we are always learning and there is always more we can learn? Some of the things I've learned this week, in no particular order, are:

It was so great to have Elke here and to get her perspective and reaction to seeing Mike. She had not seen him since the accident, but kept up-to-date via CaringBridge and then this blog.  The situation was harder and he was worse or maybe less coherent than she expected. Face-to-face is worth a thousand words.

ID - Intellectual Disability - definition according to aaidd.org: "...is a disability characterized by significant limitations in both intellectual functioning and in adaptive behavior, which covers many everyday social and practical skills. This disability originates before the age of 18." (obviously, we don't qualify)

MH - Mental Health illness - generally refers to conditions such as depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, etc. Brain Injury is not included under these serious medical illnesses. Seems that most of these can be managed with medication and therapy or some type of treatment. That is not always the case with BI and I would assume is not always the case with all of these disorders either, but..??

"The Medicaid home and community based waivers are programs offered to eligible individuals who require assistance with activities of daily living and/or supportive services and would prefer to live in their own home or the community rather than in a facility setting."  Right now Mike is in a "community" type setting, but there are no waivers for BI in Virginia to help with that type of living arrangement. Even the waivers for MH & ID that are available have very long waiting lists, as in years and years.  

Medical advancements are keeping people alive, but there are just not enough resources to provide help and/or residential services for all who need it. We can't expect the government to be able to handle this load completely, but we can have a voice and hope for some change and assistance.

There is a whole community of people struggling along the best they can in an attempt to take care of their loved ones.  I went to a meeting today along with about 100 other people who want our voices heard about what the needs are in our difficult situations. Virginia is beginning the process to revamp the waiver system and so these meetings are being held throughout the state.  

The following is a link to a very sobering, but informative article: residential-treatment-traumatic-brain-injury-victims  Mike may have to go to a nursing home type facility, if we can find one to take him, and it may not be a long-term fix. (You'll understand after you read the above article.)

I really needed my counselor, Tanya, today. To be honest, when I first started seeing her a couple of months ago, I wasn't sure that I really needed counseling and she wasn't sure how to help me either. However, we decided that she would be a safe person for me to talk with and share anything and God knew that the time would come when I really needed her advice and Godly counsel. Today was that day and all the sessions before had given her the background she needed to help me. She made a good point, since I am trusting God to use us in this adventure for His glory, maybe there are unsaved people in various facilities that need to see God's love through Mike and I and our witness of Him. My fear of Mike being moved from pillar to post, can be used of God. Trust Him and be His witness.

God's Word is new every morning. I believe I've wrestled with God lately and was in turmoil. I praise God for a Billy Graham devotional that I get on my phone. Last night it was late when I read it, but it was what I needed - Imagine that! The title was "Standing Firm" - sound familiar? It reminded me that men like Daniel and Moses were tempted or tested by worldly ease, but they refused to forsake their godly heritage. "...history has been replete with the lives of men who have put God and His way of life above all else. Prayer - Help me to stand by faith in You when I am tempted, almighty God."

For the first time last night, I had actually thought it would be so much easier to follow the lawyers advice and divorce Mike, but of course, I would have more turmoil if I did that. So it was a fleeting thought that was quickly dismissed after reading Dr. Graham's devotional. Then this morning I re-read 2 Corinthians 6. Yesterday morning I could not focus on it. This morning it was gold. Here are some of my notes:  Stay strong in salvation, don't be a stumbling block. Show that no matter what, Jesus is more important, God's way is the best even through the long list that Paul writes - hardships, beatings, imprisonment, hard work, sleepless nights, purity, understanding, patience, ........sorrowful, yet always rejoicing. Live life wide open. Not holding back. Don't bind yourself to an unbeliever - you will not be able to agree for "we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: 'I will live with them and walk among them and I will be their God, and they will be my people'." Be separate! Be different from the world! Jesus is crying out for us to do so!

Caboose park photos

On a cheerier note. Here are some of the photos taken by my cousin Keleigh at Caboose Park where we celebrated Mike's birthday, back in August.  If you are in the Blacksburg/Christiansburg, VA area, look her up, she has a great eye and fun props for official photo sessions - facebook/keleigh photography. Thanks Keleigh for fitting us in and working with these wild grains of Rice!

We are family!

Mike enjoyed climbing on the caboose.

Happy Birthday, Mike!

He just can't help himself,
if there's something to climb.

Love this one! Best smiles ever!

So great to have lots of family
support and love.
Maggie, Jenney, Sam, Mark

Brothers - Mike & Mark

G'ma and the newlyweds.

Well....they can't all be serious.

April baby!

Letting Go of Control......Again

OK, grab a cup of coffee or a snack or come back later. This is a long one. I recorded this on my phone the night of the hearing for Guardianship, September 18, but have just gotten around to transcribing it. I may have told most of this before, but I don't think I have ever shared the whole story of that afternoon on April 25, 2012.

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Control......such a simple looking word, easy to say, easy to spell, but oh so hard to handle correctly. I should have learned this already, but it comes around every so often...letting go of control. Obviously I'm a slow learner in this department. However, before I go into the new "control" lesson, let me back up.

Before Mike's accident, he really wanted to return to the mission field, but to me something just didn't seem right. Mike was not happy in his job and it seemed the motivation was wrong, even though he assured me that wasn't it. That he really felt called to be a missionary again or that he was never "uncalled". The only reason we returned to the states was because of me. I wanted to come back. I wanted our children to be able to know their extended family. So this time, I tried very hard not to be controlling. To let it go and trust God to lead. The first thing was to sell our house and it sold so quickly, that it seemed God was freeing us to go on the mission field. Even still, we moved into that tiny apartment in Fayetteville and Mike searched through many different mission agencies and nothing seemed to fit.

At that time, I reconnected with a former neighbor/friend who was going through a hard time. We shared our concerns and began praying together. She was fasting for the problem in her life, and so I was encouraged to fast for Mike's and my future.  Something just didn't seem right with Mike, he would have these strange moments where he didn't recognize people he knew well, and moments when he would space out for a few seconds. I expressed my concern, but he said he was fine. While I was trying to be supportive in the search for mission work, things just weren't coming together for a mission spot where we both could be used and it felt like we were trying to make something happen before it was time.

The day of his accident, I was fasting and praying. I had just come home from the store and he was getting ready to go out and run. I asked him what he'd like me to fix him for supper and he asked why I wasn't eating. I told him and he looked bothered by that and said "You're not going to eat all day?" I said "No, I want to fast and pray about our future, but if it bothers you I will eat with you." He said "No, I'll get something when I'm ready." I said "OK. I'm going to put these groceries away and go for a walk," then he left for his usual afternoon run. That was the last conversation that I had with the Mike that I knew.  In a matter of probably 15 minutes our life, as we knew it, came to an end. He walked out the door and did his stretches. (I couldn't see him, but he'd been doing this for all 28 years of our marriage so I knew it by heart) - stretch, run, sit-ups, push-ups. I put away the groceries, put on my walking shoes, and went out to walk.

I got to the back of the apartment complex when I received the call that Mike had been involved in an accident. When the realization hit that Mike was running, not driving, I started to run. For some reason I ran to the office thinking the manager told me the police were there, but the office was locked. Then I looked and saw flashing lights down the road and I knew it was bad. I took off running again. The maintenance man saw me and came and picked me up with the golf cart.  I got to the scene of the accident and I saw the ambulance as I looked for the person in charge. The apartment manager pointed out the police officer and I went to him and said "I'm his wife." Immediately, the very distraught woman that he was talking with turned to me and said hysterically "I am so sorry! There was nothing I could do!" I have no idea what I said to her. The policeman asked basic questions and told me Mike was already in the ambulance and it was ready to go. I could follow as soon as I finished answering his questions. I am so thankful that God spared me from seeing Mike on the road all broken and bleeding. Honestly, in my mind all I see is the golf cart, the people on the side of the road, and an ambulance. I saw, I think, a small white pick-up truck, but I never looked at the front of it. I never noticed glass, blood, or anything on the road. I believe God protected me from having those images in my mind which would be hard to erase.

I got myself together and drove to the hospital. At that moment I never thought about calling anyone to go with me. I still did not know how bad it was and since Mike has had several minor accidents in the past, I was just thinking he'd be fine again. No one had told me anything about his condition yet and I had not seen the truck hood. A woman at the scene had told me he was moving, so she thought he would be alright. I called Pastor Tony on my way to the hospital and tried to reach another friend. The first person I saw at the hospital was one of the police officers. He arrived with a bag that had Mike's torn and bloody shoes in it. Then I was called to a small room where various people and doctors came in and spoke with me and I was basically clueless to what they were really trying to tell me. That my husband was in very critical condition. Nothing was really registering. They told me he was being prepped for surgery on his legs and I could come see him for a brief moment. I got back there and saw his clothes on the floor that had been cut off of him, they had tried to clean up the blood and they had him covered except his face. His face was perfect - not a scratch. He looked pale, but good; however, I didn't see what was under the sheet. I didn't ask to, and I'm sure they didn't want me to. It was all very quick and they whisked him away to surgery. He had lost a lot of blood they said. Did I want his clothes? No. In order to get him to surgery, as soon as possible, and before getting all of his personal information, he had been given the code name "Code Trauma Horseradish". Seemed like a bit of humor a midst all the crisis, and yet I forgot it when I later tried to get a status update. Thankfully, the nurse knew to ask if he had a code name and found him right away.

I had no control there. None whatsoever and yet, all of a sudden I had all of the control in making decisions for Mike. I was his Power of Attorney, his wife, and he was totally incapacitated. He would be drugged to be kept calm and to help with the shock and pain. Everything seemed to go so slow that night, the accident happened around 4:00 pm. He went into surgery as soon as they had him stable. His lower legs were badly broken and they were open wounds which had to be dealt with quickly. Our church family from West Fayetteville was wonderful. They came in droves. It was a Wednesday night so they were at church when they heard and many came. The first to arrive was our dear friend, Ryan. He left the church as soon as he heard. What a comfort to have him there and he stayed the entire time, even following me home after midnight to be sure I got into the apartment safely. The surgery took a long time since Mike's legs were so badly broken and the skin torn apart. They had to get the bleeding stopped, the bones somewhat set, and the skin closed. External fixators where installed - big old metal things with bolts into his legs to hold them still and the bones together. We were waiting to hear that he was in a room and I could go see him, when our friends, David & Judy, popped into the waiting room and told us they had seen him! No one had come to tell me, but they had just arrived, asked about him, and been taken to his room.  He looked rough - tubes all over his pale face and body attached to various machines which were beeping and flashing. There was absolutely nothing I could do to fix him. This was no fender bender.

And now I have all kinds of control that I don't even want. Today (Sept. 18) I was put under a court order to be Mike's legal guardian and conservator. I don't want all of this control and yet it is thrown in my lap. I have been reading in Job, again God's perfect timing.

Job 12:10-25 says:

In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind.

Does not the ear test words as the tongue tastes food?

Is not wisdom found among the aged? Does not long life bring understanding?

To God belong wisdom and power; counsel and understanding are his.

What he tears down cannot be rebuilt; the man he imprisons cannot be released.

If he holds back the waters, there is drought; if he lets them loose, they devastate the land.

To him belong strength and victory; both deceived and deceiver are his.

He leads counselors away stripped and makes fools of judges.

He takes off the shackles put on by kings and ties a loincloth around their waist.

He leads priests away stripped and overthrows men long established.

He silences the lips of trusted advisers and takes away the discernment of elders.

He pours contempt on nobles and disarms the mighty.

He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings deep shadows into the light.

He makes nations great, and destroys them; he enlarges nations, and disperses them.

He deprives the leaders of the earth of their reason; 

he sends them wandering through a trackless waste.

They grope in darkness with no light; he makes them stagger like drunkards.

God is in control. What I didn't know that first night was that Mike had brain injury and it would turn our world upside down, topsy-turvy, inside-out and be devastating in so many ways and it still continues. This is almost 17 months post-accident and it's not over yet. When reading Job, it dawned on me, I am not in control at all, I cannot change or heal Mike. What is exactly wrong with him and how long he'll be this way is only known to God. I have guardianship, because Mike is mostly like a small child. Is this all due to the TBI or prior-dementia? Only God knows. He seems to be getting worse or at best, stuck where he is. Most with brain injury have a slow recovery, but he seems to be stuck or going backwards. I'm still trying to come to grips with this hard reality. I cannot fix Mike or even take care of him anymore. It is more than I can handle. 

Then today (18th) my sister-in-law, Jenney, called and told me something the Lord spoke to Mark or an impression that Mark had while in prayer. I've been praying that the Lord would provide a facility for Mike close to me so that I could be more involved with him; however, I think that was all to make me feel better. What was impressed on Mark was the importance of having Mike in the best possible place for him, whether that is close to any family or not. So much of the time he doesn't know what is going on, he doesn't understand, doesn't recognize me. I'm not discounting that God can still get him out of this prison of his mind. I believe that God can, but may not choose to because he has a greater glory and purpose in mind. This is very hard and I still have days like today when I just feel it is too hard, emotionally it is too much and I cry out to God to do something! Bring about some change, please! The guilt of going on with life while he is trapped in his mind and unable to take care of himself at all while tucked away in some facility can overwhelm. Yes, I have legal control, and yet no control. I cannot change Mike in any way, shape, or form. I never have been able to and never will be able to. He is in God's hands! God alone has control! Maybe that is the lesson that I need to learn, so that anything that changes with Mike, all the glory is God's.  All of it. ALL OF IT! I cannot take credit for anything in Mike's life and how it might change from now on or how it has been, or will be. Mike is in God's hands.

Kim shared something in Sunday School from a movie about babies coming into the world with hands clenched - they are grasping, needing and wanting everything for themselves. Then when people die their hands are open, they finally learn to let go.  

Lord, help me to open my hands to you now.  To let go and trust that you will do what is best for Mike, in your time. You will be there for Mike, you are who he always needs. Please find the best place for Mike, Lord, wherever that is, and help me to say goodbye to control. I love you, Lord Jesus. Please give me your peace. Amen.

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Being so totally human, I often lose my focus and have to be reset. Focusing on the problem is like being rolled by an ocean wave, caught in the tide, unable to breathe.  Focusing on my Lord, even in the midst of doing what I have to as Mike's guardian/advocate, brings clarity and determination and peace.  Turn your eyes upon Jesus. The things of earth will get dimmer. Such a great message in song. Thank you for praying and walking along side of us on our adventure with God.

Who’s the Giant?

Last Monday, our good friend, Elke, from Canada arrived to spend several days with me. It is such a joy to have her here. Mike and I first met Elke and her husband, Gert, in Palau so we have a fairly long history together. Being missionaries on small islands in the Pacific tends to closely connect the foreigners (aliens). We actually had to register as aliens while living there. Doesn’t that sound funny? We’ve enjoyed visits to Canada and they have visited us in the states throughout the years. Elke has jumped right in and helped with whatever is going on. We’ve painted the front of the rusted refrigerator, made home-made ice-cream for the church lawn supper which is tonight, planted flowers, hung clothes on the line, and even started scraping/power washing the barn, etc. With my nephew, T.R.’s, wedding coming up in mid-October, there is lots to do.

On Wednesday, we left at 5:45 a.m. in order to meet Mike and the NR staff at the neuro-surgeon’s office in Roanoke. On Sunday night, Mike fell and hit his head, leaving a laceration just above his right eye on the brow. Sunday night he was taken to the emergency room and received a few stitches and staples. He seemed fine otherwise, so he returned to NR where they checked him every 3-4 hours to be sure he was alright. On Monday, Mike had an appointment to have his right pinkie finger x-rayed due to swelling. The previous Friday, Dr. McCrady had written an order for a CT scan. He felt that the CT scan would show whether Mike had normal-pressure hydrocephalus and he did not want to put Mike through sedation and the possibility that he would have to spend a night in the hospital in order to get an MRI. While at the pinkie appointment, the nurse noticed the order for the CT. Since Mike was being very cooperative, approval was given to go ahead with the scan right then also. The pinkie x-ray revealed no break.

The CT scan ruled out hydrocephalus, but did show a small amount of blood in the subarachnoid space at the spot where Mike had hit his head the previous evening. The radiologist or doctor who read the scan did not think it was significant, but Dr. McCrady wanted to be sure; therefore the appointment with the neuro-surgeon, Dr. Frasier, on Wednesday. Dr. Frasier confirmed that it was insignificant and quite normal for the type of injury Mike had received from his fall on Sunday. I tried to ask the doctor some other questions and see if he would read the scan to me, but he was rather blunt and only wanted to deal with the reason Mike was there. At least I have all of the scans/MRIs on disk now and hope to get an appointment with Tracey’s friend to read them to me.  Everyone who has reviewed the scans has mentioned the atrophy (shrinkage) in Mike’s frontal lobe. This means, at least in part, that there is a loss of neurons and the connections between them. (You’ll have to Google it for more details.)

Mike was very calm Wednesday morning at the doctor’s office. After the appointment, we all returned to NR, minus the calmness. Mike was quite agitated the rest of the morning. We figured he was probably tired since he had to be up and out so early. I tried to help him eat something, and he ate a little, but couldn’t be still and was in the grabbing mode. Dr. Rooker, the psychiatrist, came by and I was able to talk with him briefly. He said Mike’s case is a bit unusual in that nothing in particular seems to make a lasting difference. After thinking it over, the next day Srdj, RN, told me that Dr. Rooker decided to taper off the Klonopin and start Depakote. Depakote was tried about a year ago, but Mike was on so many medications at the time that we could not tell if it helped or made things worse or was interacting with something else. It is mainly used for seizures, but also for manic episodes or bi-polar disorders. It takes a few weeks to get into the system.

Elke and I left soon after, in hopes that Mike would settle down and rest.  We had planned to return later, but he stayed much the same the rest of the day so we did not return. We walked around downtown Blacksburg, ate lunch, went shopping for some things for Mike, and then went to Silvia’s and worked on making a photo album for Mike. The Speech Therapist wanted photos with names on the back to use in working with his memory.

Wednesday evening, Elke, Silvia, and I enjoyed eating out and just talking together. Thursday morning, Silvia put out a wonderful breakfast which we leisurely enjoyed together. I called NR and was told Mike was having a fantastic morning. The staff said he woke up happy, smiling, and laughing. Somehow he got stuck on saying “I’m the giant.” Tina would jump in front of him and say “Who’s the giant?” and Mike would smile, chuckle, and say “I’m the giant.” He thought it was funny also, when I would stomp toward him saying “Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum.” We spent several hours with him and he was like that the whole time. We really were interacting with him as if he was a child, but that is what made him laugh, and it was a joy to see. We walked, went to the park and tossed the football around a lot. I was trying to help Elke with her throwing technique and at one point said “Am I teaching her all wrong, Mike?” and he smiled and said “Yes.”  When I asked him to teach her, all that would come out was “I like football” which is what he had been repeating previously. Is hard to know if he was thinking something else and that’s all that would come out, but he did not seemed distressed in any way. I was going to try to give Elke a break from tossing with him, but at that point he only wanted to throw to her.  He still throws a beautiful spiral and usually catches the ball if not thrown too hard. Later, at the park, I acted like a center, and told Mike to do the count. He did, ending in "hike". One time, instead of throwing the ball to anyone, he came slowly over to me, got real close, and said “You go out.” How fun – a huddle! Elke noted that the more we played, the more stable he seemed on his feet.  Now he was turning from me to her to throw or catch. Mike enjoyed swinging, went down one slide, and then was ready to go back and rest. What a delightful time with him. 

I just started 2 Corinthians this week and want to leave you with the following verses:

2 Cor. 1:10 & 11

He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us.  On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.”

You are all such an important part of this continuing adventure in our lives. Without the prayers of many, I know this would be so much harder. Thank you for your perseverance in prayers and love to us. It means so very much.

MRI and Our Father's Love

The second time they tried to have an MRI done, Mike was given Xanax. After one dose, he was not calm enough to be still so they gave him another dose and waited before trying the MRI.  He remained still for 4 minutes, but that was it.  That facility is not able to sedate him so a new order must be written by the doctor for a different hospital about 1 hour away from NR.  Mike was to see Dr. McCrady yesterday, so I hope he wrote the order. Dr. McCrady doesn't think Mike shows enough symptoms to have normal-pressure hydrocephalus. The psychiatrist, Dr. Rooker, would like to be sure and so would I; therefore, I am being persistent in requesting that it be done.

On my return trip from Ohio, I stopped in Blacksburg to spend time with Mike on Sept. 12 & 13.  He was having fairly good days. We tossed the football together and took a walk.  When he headed to supper, I just slipped out the side door and went to Silvia's.  It was such a pleasant night. My cousin, Todd, came over and grilled hamburgers and we sat on the deck. I really enjoyed just sitting and talking with Todd and Silvia. It felt so normal and the conversation was light and easy. Friday morning Mike was agitated and wouldn't eat his breakfast. I had brought him home-made zucchini bread and was able to encourage him to sit and wait while it was cut and brought to him. He is so impatient about everything. His food has to be cut in small pieces and given to him little by little or else he gorges and chokes.  After that, he went for a ride with the LST while I grabbed his razor and football, went to Wendy's for burgers, and met them at the park. He had calmed down by that time. (often a ride does that) We walked to a shelter and I asked him to eat slowly, giving him the entire hamburger. I was so proud of him as he did eat slowly. He also conversed with me a little. Asking for more french fries, or what was in the bag, etc.  I asked if he would like to shave after lunch and received a "yes".  He shaved himself a little and then allowed me to finish shaving and even trim his mustache & hair.  Mike was always meticulous about his personal appearance and it is hard to see him so scruffy. He just won't do it on his own and won't let anyone else help him either. The NR staff tries, but it is very difficult to shave a moving target. This was the first time he let me do it since he's been at NR. I asked him to try to shave every morning after his shower and he said he would, but we've had that conversation before.

Shaving at the park.

After enjoying the park for a while, he wanted to go shopping. He needed a few things from the grocery store and did well while we were there except repeating over and over that he didn't need toothpaste. He and the LST headed back to NR and I headed back to the farm. Departures are just easier if I don't say anything about leaving.

Back at the farm, I'm trying to get into a routine.  After time with the Lord and breakfast, I am spending 2-3 hours in my room making phone calls, searching the internet, e-mailing, paying bills, filling out papers, etc.  I'd much rather be out working in the yard, but I have to research and make plans for the long-term. I've never enjoyed research and am tired of dealing with all of this, but it's not going away. I figured if I spend a few hours a day it won't overwhelm me and I'll chip away at the process. Had a real breakthrough yesterday when I found my old budget sheets from 2009-2011. I needed some information from these in applying for Medicaid. That was a huge weight off of my mind. I celebrated by spending the afternoon pulling up old flowers and weeds and planting pansies and mums!  Daddy always has some project going that I can usually help with in some way, I help Coley feed the calves occasionally, and help Mom with housework and meals some also. Some way or other, the rest of the day gets filled up with no problem.

We had the Guardian hearing on Wednesday, but I'll save that for another post.  I've had some things on my mind and so that night I made a recording on my phone. It's 22 minutes long so I'll try to condense it when I write it here.

I want to leave you with the lyrics to "How Deep the Father's Love for Us" written by Stuart Townend - Wonderful words and a beautiful melody that has been running through my head for several days.

Lyrics:

How deep the Father's love for us, How vast beyond all measure That He should give His only Son To make a wretch His treasure How great the pain of searing loss, The Father turns His face away As wounds which mar the chosen One, Bring many sons to glory Behold the Man upon a cross, My sin upon His shoulders Ashamed I hear my mocking voice, Call out among the scoffers It was my sin that left Him there Until it was accomplished His dying breath has brought me life I know that it is finished I will not boast in anything No gifts, no power, no wisdom But I will boast in Jesus Christ His death and resurrection Why should I gain from His reward? I cannot give an answer But this I know with all my heart His wounds have paid my ransom (REPEAT)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YV2zMZ-nZ7k   Listen to the song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BdVQNyQmdM4  The story behind the writing of this song.