Heavy and Light

Dear ones,

It's been a long time since I've written. It wasn't intentional, the words just seemed to blow away and I couldn't find them.

Today words have returned and the need to express and share is strong within me tonight. A return to a type of therapy for me or perhaps the need to share joy and pain in the hopes of renewed prayers from our dear supporters and prayer warriors.

The months of my silence have mainly followed the previous years of highs and lows for Mike: medication adjustments, falls, lethargy and over-activity, sickness and wellness, talking and silence, cooperative and uncooperative, knows-who-I-am or doesn't, etc. However, today I was thrown a very unexpected curve ball and was hit directly in the gut.

Last night The Harbor had a family night and Mike and I went over to the adjacent hall to join the other residents and families. I will not try to do these special events anymore. Mike does not handle the added stimulation of more people and excitement with anything but his perseverating hum and anxiousness. After feeding him his supper, I wheeled him outside for a stroll in the humid, but mostly quiet evening air. After a while, he stopped his humming then suddenly declared "It's your turn to ride." I assured him I wanted to walk after being in the car for a few hours. He wasn't dissuaded so after a few more minutes, I helped him stand and he used the wheelchair as a sort of walker.

Resident kitty
I call Tilty.

"You sit down." Seeing as he is a bit unsteady on his feet and the wheelchair was about to get ahead of him, I just kept a steadying hand on the chair and walked beside him. After unsuccessfully trying to get him back into the wheelchair before going down the hill, I just walked backwards down the hill holding onto the seat handles of the wheelchair while he pushed it down the hill. We made it safely. Thank the Lord.

Lisa kindly brought us apple caramel donuts, fresh apple slices, and a piece of apple pie with ice cream while we sat on the front porch. Mike never turns down ANY food. All of this after I had given him a piece of coconut pie and a couple of rolls I had brought from home!

My handsome hubby

Today I arrived about 9:15. Mike was sitting in the dining room humming, drooling, and nose running. Nothing broke him out and he didn't want to move. I finally manhandled his wheelchair and him out from under the table and into his room. Teeth brushed, face cleaned, I wheeled him outside. Tried to sing with him, read to him, have him read, fed him yogurt....nothing doing. "ommm, ommm, ommm." 

After the CNA cleaned him up and changed his clothes, I went on and got him in the car to see if we could get his hair cut. It was a bit of a struggle to get in the car - like he couldn't remember how to do it. Once in and having something in his hand to read, he quieted and rode well. I prayed that there wouldn't be more than a 5 minute wait and praise God! it wasn't. Mike did great. He sat still and very quiet. He wouldn't answer our questions, but was very calm throughout and the woman did a great job on his hair and was even able to shampoo it. That's the very first time we've had him lean back like that, he looked a little worried, but we made it through.

The Hair Cuttery is right beside Subway and Mike headed right to their door. I asked if he wanted a sub or a hamburger and he said "sub!". When it comes to food, then he'll talk! Beef or chicken? "chicken!". We took our sandwiches to the park and enjoyed our picnic. Mike didn't talk. Not even answering yes/no questions.

Back at The Harbor, I was getting him settled to take a nap. I leaned over to kiss him and told him I had to go and would be back in a couple of weeks. Then it happened...his face crumpled. The edges of his mouth turned down in a quiver, his eyes were tightly shut, tears forming around the edges and my heart was pierced. I was so unprepared for this. He'd seemed so far away, not paying any attention to me. On what level did he understand? What was he thinking, knowing, realizing? What did he want to communicate that he couldn't? Oh the pain! Oh the helplessness! The heartache. It feels cruel. So cruel and not a thing I can do about it. God, please.

I stayed a bit longer and sang a couple of hymns while stroking his arm. He seemed to relax and I hope he slept. I left with a heavy heart and begged God to heal him and bring him home to me or home to Him. It's just too hard and I pray we don't go on like this for years and years to come. Yet, I remembered that I just need to take one day at a time and God's grace is sufficient for that, for Mike, and for my weakness. For when I am weak, then He is strong.

Coveting your prayers for us.

2 Corinthians 12:9-11 (ESV)

9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.