Two nights - So different

Two nights could hardly be more different from each other than the last two have been.  Last night I decided at the last moment for Mike and I to go to the Maundy Thursday service at Grace. I had forgotten about the service so it was a bit of a rush to get us both changed and out the door. That could have been the problem or it was just typical. Over the last few months, when I have tried to take Mike somewhere at night, it hasn't gone too well and last night was no exception. It seems disorienting to him or maybe he's just too tired by that point in the day. I don't remember what he was repeating in the car, but I started singing Jesus Loves Me, so Mike picked up that line. That continued into the church and into the service.  Then he would repeat what Pastor Linda said, pop up to stand, would quiet down during the songs and a while afterwards and was quite animated during communion. Pastor Linda was so gracious and took it all in stride, even turning embarrassing moments into teachable ones (to those of us around Mike, not at him) and not being alarmed or frazzled by Mike's behavior. Thank you, Linda!  You helped me be more at ease.  Hugh, TR and I all got a chuckle while trying to get him in the car after the service.  He would sit, pop right back up, turn around in a circle and do it all over again.  As soon as we got home, he went to straight to bed and was out.

Tonight, after supper, he said "I want to brush my teeth".  We came upstairs, he brushed his teeth completely by himself, went to the bathroom by himself, and for the rest of the evening he responded to everything I said or asked - he did NOT repeat what I said or asked. This is HUGE!  He told me the shower was too cold; yes his wound hurt and that was why he needed to sleep on his left side; he brushed all of his hair (usually only the top); he sat and read a book on his iPad; asked Mom if he could watch TV; and told me he would get up and go to the bathroom if he needed to tonight!!!  Wow!  Thank you, Jesus!  Another reason this is so amazing is because he has been so uncooperative the last 2 mornings and was so hyper and anxious this morning that I prayed hard out loud for God to deliver him from his anxiety, to remove any hold Satan might have and take away his pain in the name of Jesus.

Kallyn came and stayed with him while Mom and I went to town for haircuts and groceries.  He was tired by the time we left and they mostly hung around in the house. (he was up at 3 and then again at 6:30)  This afternoon, we worked in the calf barn for a couple of hours. As we were coming to the house, he noticed that my shoes were wet.  I think he was concerned, because he mentioned it a couple of times. Is so great to have work to do. I even went under the house for a small project for Daddy!  Thankfully there weren't any spider webs where I was - I'm not keen on spiders.

Tracey gave me a book "The Other Side of Chaos" by Margaret Silf to read and I just read the first chapter tonight.  This is a quote about transitions: "They make you ache, in every joint and muscle and in every brain cell, and in every fiber of your heart."  She goes on to give an example of a new baby and then says: "What if the other transitions in our lives were also births? What if all that pain and grief, that loss of control, that questioning and doubting, that fear and anxious anticipation, were also the labor pains through which something new and special might be breaking through?"  That is my hope. That we are on the brink of a new Mike mixed in with some of the pre-accident Mike.  Some of the people I have talked with and stories I've read of recovering TBI survivors seem to indicate that they are never the same as before, and often are actually "better" in some aspects. Less anxious or worried, more easy going, more kind, considerate or compassionate, etc. I guess when you've been through all that they have, what could there be to worry about? I hope I too, will be a better person. I feel like I've been rather whiny and selfish quite often through this transition and adventure. There is still a lot of work for God to do in me. As 2 Thessalonians 3:5 says "May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance." without whining! (my addition)  One of my devotionals today talked about how Christ suffers with us and especially how much Christ suffered FOR us.  As we remember his death on this Good Friday, let's remember just how much He gave up in order that we may spend eternity with Him. Let's run this race with perseverance just as Christ did for us. And rejoice that Easter is coming!  He is Risen! He is Alive!

The Leaf Chair

The move went very well, and Mike and Kallyn made it through also with only a few bumps in the road.  When I left on Thursday morning, Mike was beating Kallyn at Wii bowling. Because of the wonderful work of Carol, Ed, Vivian, Mike G., Keegan, Amy, Hugh, and TR, the apartment was boxed up, everyone was fed a hearty lunch, the apt. cleaned and keys turned in by 3:00 Friday afternoon. Woo Hoo! Hugh & TR headed back to the farm with truck and trailer and the rest of us headed to Carrboro for a restful evening and a nice dinner out. Saturday afternoon, Tom, Gayle, and David joined the aforementioned folks and we unloaded everything either to the upper room at the milking parlor for storage or into the house.  Quite a few boxes have yet to be unpacked, but little by little, we'll get settled in. The most precious thing was when Mike saw his leaf chair.  He sat right down and stayed there for at least an hour or more, while I made some order out of our room upstairs.

Waiting for me at home was another anonymous gift of a beautiful flower arrangement with a very precious note. To the giver(s), thank you so much, it is gorgeous! We are all enjoying it.  This weekend "all" included quite a few folks with all the moving crew and those who had come to see the play at the high school. It was fun and full and maybe a bit much for Mike, but he really did very well and may as well get used to it.  We have a lot of family and enjoy getting together.

Sunday it snowed like crazy in the afternoon and Mike and I were both getting a little stir crazy inside so ventured out into the "blizzard" and built a snowman. It was cold and windy, so we didn't stay long and neither did the snowman.  He was toppled over by Monday morning and melting quickly.

Monday we took a road trip down to Newport News to visit my Dad's sister and her husband.  Was great to see them. Mike did well on the trip down, but was quite antsy on the way home and wanted to know why we had traveled so far. He also was craving water and drank any cup that had liquid in it. Usually I have to practically force him to drink.

Today Mom and I made a trip to Farmville. I was able to get my VA driver's license and tags and registration for the car, we went to an area Brain Injury support group meeting, Mom treated me to a delicious meal at a restaurant which is in an old tobacco warehouse. Rustic and beautiful.  Will definitely have to take Mike when the weather is nice so that we can sit on the outdoor patio and eat while overlooking the river. The support group was small, but really great. Was able to talk with a couple of TBI survivors, met Beth, the area representative for Brain Injury of VA and learned of a couple of BI camps.

Londa (a helper like Scotty and Rod were in NC, but not through an agency) stayed with Mike this morning and then Gayle and Tom were with him this afternoon.  Gayle got a great photo of Mike and Tom playing table football. Notice Mike's big smile.  Hopefully, now that more of our things are here, and we are settling into somewhat of a routine, Mike will begin to relax more and feel secure.  We both have appts. with a Primary Care Physician next week, I need to take Mike to get an ID made, and then we wait for the appointment with Dr. Silver in Richmond on April 18.  Mike's wound is still not completely healed, but is closing in.  I just hope the underneath is healing properly.  He also has a rash on his hip.  We'll try to start reducing the Risp. again in a week or so and I hope and pray that will make a difference in his cognition and the toileting issues. Please pray for wisdom in regards to when to try again.  Warmer weather will help too!

Please also pray for Keegan to get a full time job soon and that he won't be too stressed about it.  He's getting married in June so is feeling anxious. We are trusting for God's perfect plan, we just wish it would materialize sooner! He and Amy will be moving to Charlotte to help plant a Great Commission church on the UNC-Charlotte campus, so he is searching for IT jobs in that area.

We received very sad news this morning that my childhood best friend's mother passed away last night after suffering a stroke on Sunday night. We had just seen her at church Sunday morning and last week I had a chance to talk with her a good bit at church. She was a precious lady and will be greatly missed. Please remember the Garrett family in your prayers.

G'night.

Where's the switch?

Just a quick note. We had a fabulous day today! Mike was calm all day and fairly lucid, even though we stayed inside the entire day due to rain and cold.  We had our devotions upstairs this morning and our hymnal was downstairs so I decided to look up a song on the iPad to sing that went along with our Psalm of the day.  Well, that led to Mike's being attached to the iPad and singing along with various songs through You Tube videos that had the words scrolling along on the screen.  Was wonderful! He walked his flight pattern singing, we stopped and ate breakfast and then he continued to walk.  I cleaned up the kitchen and baked cookies, while Mom did laundry and made applesauce. He started listing to the side, but would not sit down for the longest time.  He finally did and we worked on the puzzle til lunchtime.  He ate lots of applesauce and wasn't doing the up/down, up/down antzy stuff at the table, which was terrific!  I wish I knew what switch was flipped the right way, cause I sure would keep it there!  This afternoon, he and Mom finished the puzzle while I made Cheesy Chicken Chowder for supper and then he built a couple of things with the K'nex.

Tonight we all watched a really great sermon by Dr. Charles Stanley on "Victory over Rejection". If you have ever felt rejected, and we all have to some degree, what Dr. Stanley says makes a lot of sense and accepting the promises of the Bible will make a huge difference in dealing with the effects of rejection.  Check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kodYnTxLU3I.

Yesterday had its ups and downs.  Mostly ups. Church went well and we were able to stay through Scene 7 of 11 scenes in the play, just before Dorothy was to go off in the hot air balloon.  The actors all did a terrific job and Mike may have been able to stay for the entire show if I had thought to bring an extra dose of medications. We both enjoyed the outing very much.

Thank you so much for praying.  Days like today, give me a huge boost of hope for Mike's recovery, plus I enjoyed a more relaxing day too with lots of wonderful, worshipful music.  Was funny, we received the exact same AARP article from Mom Rice and Jim & Sonia today regarding the therapeutic properties of music.  Mike and I can each read one tomorrow! Thanks!

Dirt Therapy

Matthew 7:11 NIV 

If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

I am so thankful for our heavenly Father who gives us good gifts, even when we don't know what to ask. He hears our hearts.  After a rough beginning to the day, the rest of the day was truly a gift from God.  Mike was up talking loudly, angry sounding, and non-stop at 5:30am. I was able to get some medication in him and surprisingly he didn't fight (gift) going back to bed. He calmed down and went back to sleep around 6 and stayed until 8 when the above was repeated regardless of medication.  We made it through breakfast and morning routine and made a beeline to get outside to work again.  We had started weeding an area by the milking parlor yesterday and he did not want to stop. As soon as we got outside, he became quiet and set to work.   Digging out weeds is also a great stress reliever and a way to get out pent up anxiety. We weeded for about 2 hours, just stopping to empty the trailer 2 times. (Dad has a little trailer we can hook up to his golf cart.)  At one point, I went to get a bucket and Draco, the Irish Setter, followed me back. Draco is a very loving dog, and as I knelt to weed, he was all over me, giving me a slobbery doggy "hug" which I soaked up and returned to him...minus the slobber. I enjoyed his exuberant companionship for a moment until he was off to cheer someone else up. 

Mike and I came in to eat and take a little break and then he was raring to go again.  I wanted to do some other things so decided to take him and the trailer down there and see how he did on his own.  I did a little computer stuff then joined Mike again. He continued to work for probably 3+ hours and would not stop until he was ready.  Dad or I would check on him, but we were able to plant some canna and gladiola bulbs, separate and transplant little seedlings into larger trays and we all enjoyed some freedom! What a precious gift from God.  Digging in the dirt is such therapy for me and something I really enjoy. Mike was very content and focused on the area to be cleared and by the time I asked if he was ready to quit, he was more than ready. His tired body was listing to the side and he could hardly straighten up, but he was content.  After a shower, he sat and watched some basketball, even catching the end of the OSU vs Mich St. game. Go Buckeyes! At 7pm he wanted to go to bed, but we put in Band of Brothers and watched another episode so he stayed up a little bit later.  Thank you, God for such a wonderful day! Thank you, precious prayer warriors, for once again storming heaven on our behalf. Being vulnerable and sharing struggles is not always easy, but I am learning that if we don't share, we miss out on the blessing of answered prayer and giving others the opportunity to pray specifically for our situation. God most certainly works through the prayers of His people. 

I don't know if you read the comments that people leave on here, but a friend of ours left a comment yesterday and shared that his daughter and her husband have a baby boy named, Thomas, who has severe mental disabilities. Please be in prayer for this young family and the journey that the Lord has for them. I pray the Lord would wrap His strong, loving arms around them and carry them through, especially as they still come to grips with this reality. 

My dear friend, Kristin, sent me a wonderful e-mail response to yesterday's blog. I asked her permission to share a portion with you. I am confident that it will be a blessing to you as it is to me:

Truthfully, God has called us to very special positions in this stage of our lives. He has called us to serve in what seems like a rather lowly position that consumes a whole day, well, maybe a little left depending on how late we stay up.... don’t look at the time I am sending this email.... We have to clean up all sorts of ‘things’  in a day and serve with little to no time for ourselves....

But, I have learned the beauty in the circumstance.....

Things I don’t have time for, in no particular order:

1 – Comparing my clothes to others.

2 – Caring what others think about my outfit.

3 – Wasting time and money shopping too much.

4 – Wondering if ice cream is a nutritious dinner.... just every now and then.

5 – Unforgiveness... I don’t have time to hold a grudge... I can’t remember what someone did for me to be mad at.

6 – Worrying....

7 – Being picky... I can’t remember what I like so everything seems good.

8 – Being petty.... Concentrate on what’s important.

9 – Wondering if I lived every day to the fullest.

10 – Dusting... .well I don’t miss doing that anyway.

11 – Planting the perfectly manicured garden, so I do it with the kids and we make it their garden.

12 – Reading, so I listen to books on tape with the kids and read what they need to read.

13 – Exercising, so I swim beside my little ones, run beside them biking or anything else I can call exercise...

14 – Jealousy... wish I was more like.....

15 – Covetousness...wish I had what ...... has....

Isn't that a wonderful list of things NOT to have time for? She goes on to say, that a lot of what we think we are missing is not worth having and that a continual lesson to learn is dying to self and selfish desires and living to serve and love others. Thank you, Kristin.

Tomorrow is our 29th wedding anniversary - Happy St. Patrick's day!  My cousin's son is in a play, The Wizard of Oz, at the local high school and I'm going to take Mike to see it at 3pm. Please pray that he'll be able to sit through the play and enjoy it. In the past we both really enjoyed going to plays, so I hope it will be a fun anniversary outing.  

During one of our Singspirations this past week, we sang "Wonderful Grace of Jesus". What a fun song that's been going through my head today. I cannot sing it without thinking of the Emmaus students in Palau and John Thompson playing the piano with gusto. This was one of their favorites. By the end of the chorus, it was almost a shout! Was wonderful! Here are the great words:

Wonderful grace of Jesus, Greater than all my sin;

How shall my tongue describe it, Where shall its praise begin?

Taking away my burden, Setting my spirit free;

For the wonderful grace of Jesus reaches me.

Chorus:

Wonderful the matchless grace of Jesus,

Deeper than the mighty rolling sea;

High than the mountain, sparkling like a fountain,

All sufficient grace for even me.

Broader than the scope of my transgressions, (sing it!)

Greater far than all my sin and shame,

O magnify the precious name of Jesus, 

Praise His name!

Wonderful grace of Jesus, Reaching to all the lost,

By it I have been pardoned, Saved to the uttermost,

Chains have been torn asunder, Giving me liberty;

for the wonderful grace of Jesus reaches me.

Wonderful grace of Jesus, Reaching the most defiled,

By its transforming power, Making him God's dear child,

Purchasing peace and heaven, For all eternity;

And the wonderful grace of Jesus reaches me.

Burden gone! Spirit Free! Freedom! Liberty! For all eternity! Because the Wonderful Grace of Jesus, reaches me! (& You!)

Freedom

I wrote the following in a MS Word document starting around 9pm tonight. I thought I was just writing it for my own release, but have a sense I'm supposed to post it on here. It's probably the most heartfelt thing I've written since this all started almost 11 months ago.

March 15, 2013  

Tonight I just feel like I need to write. For who or what, I’m not sure.  Maybe for my own sanity. More and more I am feeling demoralized.  This is a rather new word to me.  Dr. Gualtieri or his intern wrote that on my evaluation and the other day I looked it up, cause I figured that was how I was feeling, but I wasn’t even really sure of its meaning.  Google has this definition and it fits: “cause (someone) to lose confidence or hope; dispirit”.  While it is wonderful to be here with my parents and on the farm where there is more space and more to do, it is yet another transition which brings increased difficulties and so much to do and change, in the midst of the craziness it brings on Mike. Tonight I cried and cried while getting Mike showered, dressed, and while I was in the shower. I couldn’t even pray. Just kept asking God “how long?” and begging the Holy Spirit to pray for me cause I don’t even know what to pray anymore. I just feel like I don’t have any fight left in me. (oh my, here come the tears again). While I was putting clean sheets on Mike’s bed (an almost daily routine), Mike was making a circuit of down the front steps, through the kitchen (I guess) and up the back steps—over and over and over.  I just let him be, too tired to even worry or try to stop him.

One unexpected hard thing about being here is seeing everyone else go about their lives as usual with so much freedom & choice, and realizing just how much we’ve lost. There is no freedom for Mike or me. Especially Mike. (Although, I was feeling sorry for myself, not him.) Today when we were walking, he said “let me out of here”.  I said, Mike this is a great place to be, more room to roam, things to do, being with family.  He said it again.  Somehow the way he said it, it made me say: do you want out of your body?  He said “Yes!” No repeat of what I said or what he had previously said.  I really think that is what he means when he says it. He is literally trapped in a body and mind that do not function properly. People always telling him what he can and cannot do, dressing and undressing him, bathing him, redirecting him, not letting him drive anything, telling him he’s full, etc., etc. I am trapped in a brand new lifestyle of a caregiver 24/7.  I never really feel like I can relax or have freedom. I always have a time constraint even when someone else is with him and he’s usually on my mind when I’m away. How’s he doing? How’s the caregiver doing? I should have told them…. I forgot to tell them….. I hope he cooperates with them. I hope they remember….and on and on it goes. When I do have time away or when someone else is with him, I’m either running around taking care of things, or I seem to go around in circles and have trouble gathering my thoughts to know what I need to do. It is hard to think of going and having some fun. Fun?  What would I do for fun anyway?  And with whom?

Anyway, thankfully, tonight Mike went to bed willingly.  The past two nights have been very difficult.  I am cutting back on his Risperdal and he didn’t have any the past two nights.  Tonight I just couldn’t take the frantic pacing around and repeat, repeat, repeat so I gave him a .5mg Risp., we watched an episode of Band of Brothers, got our showers and I just let him make his circuit. As he passed by one time, I told him to let me know when he was ready for bed.  About 8:30 he said “I’m ready for your bed”, he’d seen me making it as he passed by and he had to be exhausted.  He makes me exhausted with his constant motion. That was another reason I gave him the .5 RSP. I figured his body and mind needed the rest as much as I needed the peace and quiet and an easy night. I had no idea it would be that easy. Thank you Lord. Then I came in here to read a little and this is the verse that greeted me: 2 Corinthians 3:17 “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” WHAM!  Mike and I may be trapped in some ways, but we both have the Spirit of the Lord and so we have freedom. Our spirits are free, our souls are free in Christ Jesus. This world is constantly pulling us down and trying to ensnare us. Its pull is strong and weighty. A “normal” life is so desirable. His ways are not easy and yes, I do pray that Mike will recover greatly and we’ll return to some normalcy and more earthly freedom, but we are truly free where it really matters and will be for all eternity.

We Belong Here

Wow! In some respects the days seem like they fly by and in other ways they are extremely long.  We are here! (on the farm in Virginia, that is)  Most of our stuff is still in NC, but at least we are starting to get Mike adjusted and dealing with yet another transition and change in our lives. But first....last Thursday morning we went to the Wound Clinic and the stitches were removed from the wound on his backside without any problem.  This was probably largely due to the fact that at 5:36 a.m., I heard something that woke me up. I came out into the living room to see Mike dragging a small table across the floor.  I put it back and he proceeded to drag it again.  I decided to see what he was going to do with it. He first took it and put it in front of the dresser and then moved it into the bathroom beside the tub.  I took it out, so then he dragged his white wing back chair into the bathroom.  I was amazed that it fit through the door. I saw him with it at the doorway and figured that would occupy him for a while, but next time I went in, he was backed up against the tub with the chair in front of him.  I dragged it back out and he dragged it back to the door again.  Somewhere in there I was able to give him a pill and then went to have my devotions so that we didn't get into a push-me/pull-you match.  When all was quiet, I looked in and he was sitting in the chair and half asleep.  I covered him with a blanket and he stayed there for a while. So by 11:00 when he was due at the clinic, he was more than happy to lie down on the table. There is still one small hole, but they assured me that the doctor was not worried about it because he knew what he had stitched together underneath and felt it would heal fine on it's own.  I'm going to keep an eye on it and see whether I think it needs to be checked or not.

Thursday afternoon we saw Dr. Gualtieri for probably the last time.  All of Mike's labs came back negative for any infections, so that's good. The hope is that since we are here and going to stay here, he'll calm down as we settle into a routine and he becomes comfortable.  Nothing new was done since we were leaving and Mike seems to need the meds during this transition time. I can still contact Dr. G., but it is a little scary.  I feel like we're cast out here with no real net to catch us if something should go wrong.

On Friday morning, everything went off without a hitch.  Rod came and took Mike as usual, Kristin  came and we were able to pack up the car with about 5 minutes to spare before Rod and Mike returned.  Then Mike, Kristin and I enjoyed lunch at Roly Poly (I had the best Cherry Pecan Chicken roll-up. Delicious!), walked around the outdoor shopping center in the gorgeous, sunny weather, ate frozen yogurt and just generally had a great visit. It's so nice to have an extra person when taking Mike on an outing. Especially one who doesn't mind staying on the go! Thanks, Kristin! Then we were off to Virginia.

Our first few days have had their good moments and their rough moments.  Right after we got here, Mike was helping carry things into the house and fell on the front steps (which are brick). He scraped up his knuckles and elbow. Then Saturday morning he got into a flight pattern that involved going up the front steps and down the back steps. I tried to distract him and keep him from going up and down, but it was no use.  I have no idea what he did, but he fell at the top of the stairs and hit his head on something (a doorway maybe). I just heard a loud thump and ran up to see him on the hall floor. He also has a bruise on his hip.  He's fallen outside also. He's just so headstrong and can't be still for hardly a moment, unless I make him sit or push him into the bed.  Once he's there, if he'll be still long enough, he usually goes to sleep within seconds. If he's really not ready yet, it becomes a struggle and then he really starts zinging around at high speed and it's best just to get out of his way.

Today I spoke with someone Mom knows who would like to help. She took care of her mother who had Alzheimer's. She's going to come three times this week, first thing in the morning to help with the shower, and early morning issues, which I am finding I'm just weary of dealing with and finding it hard to be kind and patient every morning. Please pray that this works out well, but more importantly, please pray that soon Mike will be able to handle the toileting issues himself and this won't be needed.  We had a good day for the most part today. Over the last 3 days, Mike has picked up sticks, we trimmed a little of a Magnolia tree, Mike picked up the Magnolia cones(?), we planted some lettuce and took walks. Praise God the weather has been gorgeous and we have been able to be outside a good bit. Saturday night, he sat and watched The Bible movie which was almost 2 hours long. We could fast forward over the commercials so it was a little shorter, but he watched the entire thing and was fairly still.  He is having more trouble sitting still to eat. Same thing was happening at the apartment.  Tonight, he never did sit down to eat.  I finally followed him around and had him eat yogurt and then got him to bed. I'm really hoping the Risperdal is part of the problem and did cut down his dosage by 1/2 pill today.  I don't think he was really any worse. Am also spreading out the percocet and we'll be out of that in a day or two. I do wonder if his antzyness is due to pain and it seems like it's his legs. Who knows? He may have a pinched nerve, or other real pain that he just can't tell me. He sure prefers walking to sitting.

The best thing he has said was last night or Saturday night when I was putting him to bed. He said "We belong here."  I hope that will continue to sink in and he'll be able to relax, enjoy life, be productive, feel useful, and recover more quickly because of it.  Thank you for your prayers and please continue to pray for Mike's healing, wisdom for me regarding his medication, safety and freedom from falls for Mike.  That wound would probably heal much better if he wasn't falling so much, but I just can't be with him every moment and he's so resistant lots of the time when I try to distract or reroute him. Pray the Lord would speak peace to his mind and body and soothe whatever is causing the agitation and anxiety. Pray also that he would remember that he is a child of God and just how much God loves him.  Thank you. You are precious to us!

I want to thank my Mom and Dad for all that they are doing for us: giving us a home, putting up with the restlessness, letting us rearrange furniture, helping with the laundry, finding projects to do, food, conversation, and so much more.  I really don't know what we would do without you.  Thank you and I love you so much!

Virginia Bound

Child by Michael Tait

Child wipe your tears away 

Cause Jesus cares for you 

He knows you're hurting 

And all you're going through 

Won't you try just test your faith and see 

You'll walk the oceans and believe 

He's right there by your side

Oh child

It's very comforting to remember that I am God's child. Knowing that since He is my Father, I am well taken care of and have nothing to fear. I am never alone. Jesus understands my hurt; He suffered way more than I ever have or will and is always interceding for me and you.

Cry out to Jesus by Third Day

There is hope for the helpless

Rest for the weary

Love for the broken heart

There is grace and forgiveness

Mercy and Healing

He'll meet you wherever you are

Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

I was listening to the songs on my iPod on a lovely, relaxing drive back to NC from a respite weekend at Mom and Dad's, and these two chorus' resonated with me. Maybe they'll speak to some of you also.  We each carry burdens, some are outwardly obvious, others are not, but each carries a pain all it's own. Jesus knows, cares, and is there. Cry out to Him.

Saturday morning was a rough one, but with Keegan's help, we got through it and then I headed out to Virginia about 11am. Mom and I enjoyed an outing to Blackstone on Saturday night for dinner and a 1 act play.  When I opened the program, I was delighted to see that a friend from High School was one of the actresses. She and the other 5 ladies did a fantastic job and we thoroughly enjoyed the evening.  

Keegan & Mike joined Carol, Ed, and their granddaughter, Zoe, for 2 games of bowling on Saturday. Keegan said it took a little bit for Mike to settle in but then he did fine.  Sunday afternoon was very rough for them, but they made it through. I had an appointment with a tax accountant in Blackstone on Monday, so Rod came and stayed with Mike until I got back in the afternoon.  I called Wound Care at WakeMed and told them due to Mike's behavior I did not think the wound vac was going to work and could be dangerous. So it was cancelled. The rest of the day passed fairly well and Tuesday also until someone flipped a switch about 4:45pm. From then until about 9, Mike paced, sat-stood-sat-stood-sat-stood, repeated phrases, etc. until Keegan and I finally got him in bed and he was out like a light.  We had been working on a puzzle in the afternoon, Cheryl came and took him for a haircut plus helped with laundry and did the vacuuming. When we finished the puzzle, he got up and just started zinging back and forth between the kitchen and bedroom.  Could not sit still to eat and so Keegan and I took turns feeding him.  So strange.

This morning he was so calm when he woke up, was following instructions, was easy to get him showered and he helped himself get dressed.  During devotions, he started getting restless and said his legs hurt.  I decided to try an experiment and just give him the Gabapentin and percocet and not the Risperdal since he was verbalizing more and being more cooperative. Thinking maybe it's just pain that agitates him and the Risperdal fogs his thinking too much.  All went well through devotions and most of breakfast then the switch was flipped again. So much for that experiment. I gave him the Risperdal.  He did well the rest of the day, took a nap and was mainly calm tonight.  Sometimes I do wonder if he is just super tired and I need to encourage a nap more often. Thanks for praying. The week is going better than I had imagined.

Never have heard from the labwork. We go to see Dr. Gualtieri tomorrow so will find out the results then. We also go to have the stitches taken out in the morning and will see what they think of the open spot beside the incision.  I think I will go ahead and make an appointment with a wound care facility in Virginia for next week, just to be sure this thing closes properly. Seems there may be one small area that is open deeper down, because it is still draining a good bit.

I cannot talk about moving, packing, leaving, storage, etc. in front of Mike because that really sets him off. Definitely cannot pack when he's around. Any of the above sets him to grabbing things, zinging around at high speed and just generally being frantic. Thanks to Gayle, Ed, Barbara, and Kris, we've actually done a good bit of packing little by little.  Things are disappearing gradually and I hope he isn't noticing.  Due to his unrest, I felt it was best to get to Virginia as soon as possible. On Friday, Rod will come as usual, take Mike out to Trinity to exercise and then my friend, Kristin, is coming to help me pack the car with clothes and necessities and I hope by the time Mike and Rod get back, we'll be ready to hop in the car and head to Virginia.  Then on the 21st & 22nd of March, I'll come back down while Kallyn (my cousin who is a nurse) stays with Mike in Virginia. Vivian, Carol, Ed, Keegan, Hugh & TR (maybe others) will be helping me pack and load on those days and hopefully we'll be all cleaned up and out by the end of the 22nd.  I am ready to be home. I'll miss seeing Keegan and Amy all the time, but they can come visit.  Our new friends from here too - it's not a bad day trip!

All the Pampered Chef boxes arrived today from Amy's shower.  It worked out perfect. I was afraid boxes would upset Mike and had been praying he wouldn't see them. I came home from running errands and 4 big boxes were sitting in front of our door.  Rod and Mike were inside. Mike wouldn't let Rod change him so while I went to change Mike, Rod brought in the boxes. He put them in the spare room, and Mike never saw them. Thank you Jesus!! These small details make a huge difference!

Am tired. G'night!
10:41pm

Singspiration

John 10:4

"When he has brought out all His own,

He goes on ahead of them, and His sheep follow Him

because they know His voice."

This morning, Mike was quite agitated and not able to focus on anything or sit down, so I did what usually calms him down and started singing.  It took a little while, but he finally stopped pacing and stood beside me and sang.  We must have sung 8-10 hymns. Such wonderful words and what a blessing that they soothe Mike for a time.  Here is one of them I feel led to share:

Softly & Tenderly

Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling, Calling for you and for me;

See on the portals He's waiting and watching, Watching for you and for me.

Chorus

Come home, come home, Ye who are weary come home;

Earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling, Calling, O sinner, come home!

Why should we tarry when Jesus is pleading, Pleading for you and for me?

Why should we linger and heed not His mercies, Mercies for you and for me?

Time is now fleeting, the moments are passing, Passing from you and from me;

Shadows are gathering, death-beds are coming, Coming for you and for me.

Oh! for the wonderful love He has promised, Promised for you and for me;

Tho' we have sinned, He has mercy and pardon, pardon for you and for me.

Come home, come home, Ye who are weary come home;

Earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling, Calling, O sinner, come home!

If there is anyone reading our blog that doesn't know Jesus as your Savior and Lord, do not delay giving your life to Him.  He never promised that it would be easy, but does promise to be with us every step of the way, always. You will only find lasting joy and an ever-present help during times of hardship when you are walking in close relationship with Him. Pick up a Bible and read the book of John - it's a good place to start.  Jesus loves you so much, is calling you, and His gift is free to all who believe. Don't miss knowing His voice.

We also sang "Whosoever Will",  "I've Found a Friend", "Just as I Am", "Faith of our Fathers", "Faith is the Victory (been years since I sang that one and I love that tune - so upbeat), "Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus", "It is well with my Soul", "There shall be showers of Blessing", and more.  Smile.

Back to our update... Yesterday was better than Wednesday; although, I think I gave him too much pain medicine and he threw up 3 times last night. So this morning I was afraid to give him anything before I talked with the Dr. Talked with Dr. G and he told me to go ahead with the Percocet, but less.  Did that but he was just wild at different times throughout the morning, so after I got some yogurt and part of his sandwich in him, I went back to the full dose of Risperdal.  I am all for getting rid of the medicines, but we can't live like this.  Maybe once the wound is healed, stitches out, we're settled in Virginia with some sort of routine then we can try again to decrease the Risperdal. Right now everyone who helps with Mike needs him to take it and he needs it.  He was so out of control at one point today, I just don't see how his body can continue to handle that much anxiety.  He was not trying to hit or be aggressive in that way, just so agitated, short of breath, restless, and unreasoning.  Shortly after Rod left, the medicine took effect and he slowed way down, even taking a nap.  Phew!  

Did not hear anything from the blood work or urinalysis yet, but received a call that we are getting the wound vac on Monday.  The part that broke open looks much better now and is closing back up, so I'm thinking we might not need it by the time it gets here. 

Have to share one verse from another hymn:

"His Way with Thee"

Would you have Him make you free, and follow at His call? 

Would you know the peace that comes by giving all?

Would you have Him save you so that you can never fall?

Let Him have His way with thee.

Chorus:

His power can make you what you ought to be;

His blood can cleanse your heart and make you free;

His love can fill your soul, and you will see

'Twas best for Him to have His way with thee.

So true. Stop fighting and let Him have His way with You. Only Jesus can fill the void.