Exhale

Do you ever find yourself holding your breath due to anxiety, fear, worry, or whatever? Tension builds, muscles tighten, thoughts lock up. Learning to recognize when it's happening and consciously making the effort to slowly breathe in and out allows us to loosen up and relax. I am so thankful to the Lord for the past couple of weeks to be able to breathe, loosen up, and relax.

The sign in my room on vacation.
I was right where I was meant to be.

My weekend at home over the July 4th weekend was very restful. A time of letting go, surrender, inactivity, quiet, peace, and no "I gottas". The next weekend with family was a continuation of relaxation plus wonderful times of conversation, laughter, games, food, walks, no-agenda, just being together and enjoying the opportunity to escape to a quiet place with a slow pace. This photo of a t-shirt in a shop window sums it up nicely.  In case you cannot read it's message,  it says "Slow Down, this ain't the mainland." Cape Charles was a perfect antidote to busyness. A quaint small town across the Chesapeake-Bay Bridge Tunnel from Virginia Beach. Quite a contrast and I hope it stays that way.


We were about 6 blocks from the beach and since we were on the bay side, there were only ocean swells which was an unexpected plus in my opinion (no waves knocking me around and taking me under - restful, peaceful water). Aria could safely play on the water's edge too and she loved it! There were beautiful homes and yards to admire as we walked to the beach and friendly folks along the way also. Absolutely no crowds. Wonderful & priceless!

Ladder ball. Such fun on nice sand!

Enjoying delicious home-made ice cream from
the brown dog ice cream shop.

Cape Charles
favorite hang-out.

Game Time! This is a fun group game. Everyone writes a random statement, then passes their paper to the next person who has to 

1. draw the statement 

2. fold over the paper so that the original statement cannot be seen 3. pass it on to the next person who now has to interpret the drawing by writing a statement. This continues around the table until your paper returns to you at which time everyone takes turns reading the various statements and showing the drawings. The results can be hilarious! Add a time limit and things really get crazy.

Stormy Saturday. Great
for just chillin then an
afternoon walk on the beach.

Relaxing in the gazebo
at The Harbor. Mike has gained
weight and looks so much better.

Mid-morning Monday, Mike's brother's family, Mom Rice, and I headed to Stanardsville to spend time with Mike. Mark & family arrived about an hour before us and they were all out in the courtyard playing Sequence. Later we took Mike out for a burger and milkshake at Tastee Freez. Then he said it was too early to go back so Mark took us on a driving tour of Stanardsville which took about 10-15 minutes. :-) Once back, it was time for Mike's supper, so we left. Mom R. and I stayed in Orange at a very nice hotel with a gorgeous view of farmland and the Blue Ridge Mountains in the 

Gorgeous view from hotel.

distance. So peaceful and calm.

That evening, I received a call from The Harbor saying Mike had 2 incidents that evening involving other residents. Everyone was fine, but they always call when he has been disruptive, hard to redirect, or has fallen. Due to an increase in his disruptive behavior, an increase in medication was being requested from Dr. B. On Wednesday, Mom R. & I were able to meet Dr. B. who is the general practitioner. He explained his plan of action and I was able to express my concerns and ask about possibly reducing medication. He is willing to consider that in the future, but right now they just have to try to get Mike to a more even keel. Wednesday Mike was the best I've seen him since he's been at The Harbor. He was able to communicate more effectively and was calm. 

Nobody likes the thought of having Mike more sedated, but after 3 years, I understand now that in order for anyone to be able to care for him, plus keep him and others safe, it may be the only way. I am at peace that Dr. B, Dr. L. (psychiatrist) and The Harbor staff are monitoring Mike closely and doing the best they know how, as am I. I realize there are alternative treatments and therapies and that not everything has been tried, but due to expense and/or the difficulties of trying to wean Mike off of meds, I am at peace that what I could do has been done and I have to let go of what others may think I should have done or tried. I like the way one of Mom Rice's friends addressed this issue in an email to me, "If God wants me to do something to help or fix a situation, He knows where I live and He knows how to communicate His wishes to me." He sure does! 

Back home, I have worked in the garden, Mom and I have two batches of pickles in brine, Dad and I froze 4 quarts of corn, and I've done other odd jobs around the house. The beautiful thing is that my mind and spirit are at peace. I am well rested, calm, and refreshed. I even noticed that I was calmer when spending time with Mike. 

This past weekend I came across a song by Plumb that is very fitting for this new stage of my life. I have breathed in God's grace and I want to exhale and share His grace and love with others. Here is a link to her YouTube video. 

Exhale by Plumb

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOgUjSW4agg

Just let go let His love wrap around you

And hold you close

Get lost in the surrender

Breathe it in until your heart breaks

Then exhale

Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/exhale-lyrics-plumb.html#OORCzuwLiFrcJDas.99

I don't know exactly what my exhale is supposed to look like yet, but I am praying and asking God to show me and use me. 

I Samuel 12:24

But be sure to fear the Lord and serve Him faithfully with all your heart; 

consider what great things He has done for you.

I Peter 4:10-11

Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory and the power forever and ever. Amen.

Sunset at Cape Charles
Hope this photo helps you to breathe easier
and relax a bit wherever you are.

Phone conversation/Sharing

Yesterday I called to check on Mike and since the nurse said he was having a good day I asked to speak to him. He actually talked with me! The conversation was a bit repetitive, but at least it was a conversation and not "oh, oh" or "no, no, no". He was evidently looking at a catalog and asked me several times if I needed any tops or jackets. I tried asking him some questions, but he was fixated on the catalog. The nurse said that he ate a good breakfast and then sat beside a woman and was encouraging her to eat her eggs. :-)

*******************

I believe it's time for me to share some of the struggles I've been having and lessons I am learning from the past few months. There's really two different tracks of thought running through my mind right now so I'm going to start with the more experiential one to share first. I've felt that I needed to share this, but have not taken the time to sit down and do it. Procrastination? Fear? Disobedience? I'm not sure, but I'm praying that the Lord gives me the right words to put down on "paper".

As you know, there has been a lot of anxiety/stress over the past 3 years since Mike's accident. Sometimes it is expected and other times it comes unaware. I wish I could say that I've learned how to completely handle stress and anxiety, but that is not the case. Sometimes gardening and exercise are enough to relieve the pressure, other times I need the little white prescription pill. Sometimes singing hymns & listening to contemporary Christian music and Scripture reading eases the strain, other times talking with a friend is what is necessary. Sometimes screaming helps, other times I crave solitude and quietness. And then there are those times when I just think my mind is going to explode and there is nothing that can be done to stop it. 

When Mike was home, I was under a state of hyper-vigilance. After he went to CSH, it was a different type of constant vigilance, dealing with various agencies, and searching for a placement. Once he was placed, it was getting him settled and figuring out the medication issue. I felt compelled to travel up there often in the beginning to try to give him the best transition possible. Ever since just before Easter until last weekend, it seems like it has been non-stop activity. (gardening, family gatherings, church responsibilities, driving back and forth to Stanardsville, forms and paperwork, my job, etc.) Some of my own making? Absolutely. There was one Sunday afternoon back in June where I really wanted to just rest and read, but could not settle down. I had nervous energy and ended up baking cookies instead of resting. There was always the feeling that there was something I needed to be doing. 

The reality was/is that now that Mike is in a good home, a lot of the stuff that consumed my mind and days has disappeared. Yes, I am still his wife and advocate, but he is receiving excellent care in a comfortable, beautiful setting that's a little too far to go all the time. This little rhyme formed in my mind Saturday morning:

It's time to accept the new life God has given,

submit to His will and find a new rhythm.

I had set a frenetic pace and was about to crash, but thanks be to God, He headed it off with the help of family, friends, prayer, and music. When I wasn't in Stanardsville with Mike, my thoughts were racing. The accuser, Satan, was having a field day with my thoughts, the area where I struggle the most. Everything from worries, fears, guilt, temptations, accusations, the feeling that I wasn't ever doing enough for Mike, my parents, others, etc., you name it negative and it was in my thoughts eating away. I would pray, beg, plead, for God to take it all away, but it was relentless.

Do you remember a few blogs ago where I asked for prayer requests from you? Those that responded were the beginning of my relief. When all these negative thoughts would start flooding my mind, I started praying for those requests and praying for others and I began to have victory over the accusers attacks. This worked well, but sometimes I would forget!  How does that happen? Anyway, one day these accusing thoughts reached a fever pitch while I was working outside in the flower garden (which is great for tiring the body, but my mind was freewheeling). I was disgusted & determined to win this battle! I came inside and got my iPod, put on my Newsboys "Hallelujah for the Cross" music, and sent Satan packing by the power of Jesus name! I was so exhilarated by the end of the day. I kept my mind on Christ through music and praying for others and a real victory was won that day, Praise God! That was a few weeks ago and I have been better since, all glory to God! So from my experience, if you struggle with your thoughts, try praying for others and listening to God-honoring/praising music. I also listen to the Bible being read with the You Version Bible app.  Here's a link to the title song on my favorite Newsboys CD "Hallelujah for the Cross":  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7NJc1_t6q0

The other release came in the form of a phone call from my mother-in-law about a month ago. Back almost a year ago, the Rice side of my family made plans to get together this summer for a vacation. Somewhere along the line, while Mike was still at CSH, I decided that I wanted us to take Mike with us on this vacation. He loves to be with his family and hasn't been to a beach (his favorite place) since his accident. The week before Mom Rice called, was when I felt like I was about to lose my marbles, but was on a treadmill that I just couldn't seem to get off of by myself. She cautiously and gently told me that she had no peace at all about taking Mike with us to the ocean and that she had not decided this lightly. Mom R. had been praying about this for some time, and continued to feel uncomfortable about it. She went on to say that it would not be relaxing for any of us, plus with Mike having just moved, it could cause a set-back at The Harbor, as well. As she talked, I knew she was right and even so, I started to cry. I so wish that Mike could come and enjoy the beach and his family, but he is just not able to function in a manner to make that happen and would need constant supervision. After we talked some more, I agreed with her and later realized that I am a "Pollyanna" - always thinking of the best part of a situation and not being realistic about the difficulties or challenges that will come too. Ocean waves and a brain that doesn't work right could easily equal disaster. She proceeded to remind me that the original intent of this was "to give Jennifer a vacation". Oh....I didn't remember that, but coming on the heels of my loose marbles, I knew I needed it. 

So.....in line with my little rhyme, I'm learning to accept this new way of life. Mike is doing as well as can be expected and I am super excited about having a relaxing time at the beach with family. We greatly enjoy playing board & card games together, talking, eating, and there will be lots of laughter, I am sure. We will miss Mike, but it is OK for me to go, relax, and have fun. Those of us that can are going to see Mike for a couple of days when we leave the beach. Hopefully, by Christmas, he'll be more settled and we can have him with us for a few days then. We'll also be missing our son and his family that live in AZ. Hopefully they'll be able to be with us in December too!

I also gave myself this weekend off. I've stayed at home, helped Mom and Dad a bit, and done a little gardening, but God has sent a lot of rain, so it's too wet to get out there. Thank you, God! Have felt a little out of sorts, but think I was just tired and it took me a bit to let go and relax. Last night I was trying to read and fell asleep in the chair. I woke up at 9:30 pm and decided I may as well go to bed. I slept well and have felt much better today. 

Well, that's enough for this post. The other running thought may take a few posts and I may not get to it until after our beach trip. Since I don't have as much on my mind now, I am asking God what His will is for me. Is it more writing? Serving? Working? Please pray that I will be open and obedient to His will. 

Psalm 37:23-24

(NLT)

The Lord directs the steps of the godly.

    He delights in every detail of their lives.

Though they stumble, they will never fall,

    for the Lord holds them by the hand.

Reports from others

Last Thursday I spoke with C at The Harbor. At that time, Mike was having a really good day. She said he was able to communicate to the staff what his needs were, and was participating in the activities. On Friday, I spoke with D and she said Mike did very well on Thursday until later in the evening when he was "chasing" another male resident down the hall. She said she had never seen him move so fast! They tried several distraction tactics, but nothing worked so did have to give Mike a PRN (as needed/sedating/calming) medication. After that took effect, Mike did well for the rest of the evening.

My sister, Gayle, and her husband, Tom, visited on Monday and this is what she wrote to me:

"At first when we saw Mike yesterday he was just zooming into the lunch room ignoring us and our yogurt offering, just saying "oh,oh" and holding his head off and on.  The lady said he'd been like that for 2 days and asked him if his head hurt, but he didn't answer.  We walked him outside to sit and eat. Then he did ok and we were able to show him pics from the weekend and talk calmly a while.  They brought his supper out. (Which he insisted was breakfast). Tuna salad, lettuce and cucumber salad, crackers, and cherry cobbler. Looked good! Then we sat in his room and he wrote you a letter, Jay, which I am mailing.  He wanted me to read the Daily Bread devotional to him so that's why his letter has scripture and references to the Christ Our Redeemer statue in Rio de Janero.  He didn't have his glasses and we hunted but never found them.  The office lady is looking, too.  He seemed to be fine and liked the pics."

Zooming around, eating fast, losing his glasses, repeating words are all fairly typical of Mike so I guess he's adjusting fairly well. He has his good days/moments and his rough days/moments. It is always encouraging to hear of the good days and I am hopeful that there will be more of those as he adjusts to the new place, people, and routine of The Harbor. He wanders in and out of rooms so his glasses could be anywhere. Dr. E. at CSH ordered him two pair after he lost one and then broke the new ones, so there are two pairs floating around there somewhere. Someone else could be wearing them! When we were there for Father's Day weekend, Mike's roommate, James was wearing Mike's OSU hat. I know it is impossible for the staff to keep everyone's stuff in their respective rooms.

Has been a busy couple of months. I decided not to go anywhere this weekend. Just working in the gardens, helping Dad & Mom, catching up on desk stuff, etc. After lunch today I was so tired that I went to rest a bit and 2 hours later I woke up! That's very odd for me, but evidently I needed it. Now it's time for bed. More later.