Phone conversation/Sharing

Yesterday I called to check on Mike and since the nurse said he was having a good day I asked to speak to him. He actually talked with me! The conversation was a bit repetitive, but at least it was a conversation and not "oh, oh" or "no, no, no". He was evidently looking at a catalog and asked me several times if I needed any tops or jackets. I tried asking him some questions, but he was fixated on the catalog. The nurse said that he ate a good breakfast and then sat beside a woman and was encouraging her to eat her eggs. :-)

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I believe it's time for me to share some of the struggles I've been having and lessons I am learning from the past few months. There's really two different tracks of thought running through my mind right now so I'm going to start with the more experiential one to share first. I've felt that I needed to share this, but have not taken the time to sit down and do it. Procrastination? Fear? Disobedience? I'm not sure, but I'm praying that the Lord gives me the right words to put down on "paper".

As you know, there has been a lot of anxiety/stress over the past 3 years since Mike's accident. Sometimes it is expected and other times it comes unaware. I wish I could say that I've learned how to completely handle stress and anxiety, but that is not the case. Sometimes gardening and exercise are enough to relieve the pressure, other times I need the little white prescription pill. Sometimes singing hymns & listening to contemporary Christian music and Scripture reading eases the strain, other times talking with a friend is what is necessary. Sometimes screaming helps, other times I crave solitude and quietness. And then there are those times when I just think my mind is going to explode and there is nothing that can be done to stop it. 

When Mike was home, I was under a state of hyper-vigilance. After he went to CSH, it was a different type of constant vigilance, dealing with various agencies, and searching for a placement. Once he was placed, it was getting him settled and figuring out the medication issue. I felt compelled to travel up there often in the beginning to try to give him the best transition possible. Ever since just before Easter until last weekend, it seems like it has been non-stop activity. (gardening, family gatherings, church responsibilities, driving back and forth to Stanardsville, forms and paperwork, my job, etc.) Some of my own making? Absolutely. There was one Sunday afternoon back in June where I really wanted to just rest and read, but could not settle down. I had nervous energy and ended up baking cookies instead of resting. There was always the feeling that there was something I needed to be doing. 

The reality was/is that now that Mike is in a good home, a lot of the stuff that consumed my mind and days has disappeared. Yes, I am still his wife and advocate, but he is receiving excellent care in a comfortable, beautiful setting that's a little too far to go all the time. This little rhyme formed in my mind Saturday morning:

It's time to accept the new life God has given,

submit to His will and find a new rhythm.

I had set a frenetic pace and was about to crash, but thanks be to God, He headed it off with the help of family, friends, prayer, and music. When I wasn't in Stanardsville with Mike, my thoughts were racing. The accuser, Satan, was having a field day with my thoughts, the area where I struggle the most. Everything from worries, fears, guilt, temptations, accusations, the feeling that I wasn't ever doing enough for Mike, my parents, others, etc., you name it negative and it was in my thoughts eating away. I would pray, beg, plead, for God to take it all away, but it was relentless.

Do you remember a few blogs ago where I asked for prayer requests from you? Those that responded were the beginning of my relief. When all these negative thoughts would start flooding my mind, I started praying for those requests and praying for others and I began to have victory over the accusers attacks. This worked well, but sometimes I would forget!  How does that happen? Anyway, one day these accusing thoughts reached a fever pitch while I was working outside in the flower garden (which is great for tiring the body, but my mind was freewheeling). I was disgusted & determined to win this battle! I came inside and got my iPod, put on my Newsboys "Hallelujah for the Cross" music, and sent Satan packing by the power of Jesus name! I was so exhilarated by the end of the day. I kept my mind on Christ through music and praying for others and a real victory was won that day, Praise God! That was a few weeks ago and I have been better since, all glory to God! So from my experience, if you struggle with your thoughts, try praying for others and listening to God-honoring/praising music. I also listen to the Bible being read with the You Version Bible app.  Here's a link to the title song on my favorite Newsboys CD "Hallelujah for the Cross":  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7NJc1_t6q0

The other release came in the form of a phone call from my mother-in-law about a month ago. Back almost a year ago, the Rice side of my family made plans to get together this summer for a vacation. Somewhere along the line, while Mike was still at CSH, I decided that I wanted us to take Mike with us on this vacation. He loves to be with his family and hasn't been to a beach (his favorite place) since his accident. The week before Mom Rice called, was when I felt like I was about to lose my marbles, but was on a treadmill that I just couldn't seem to get off of by myself. She cautiously and gently told me that she had no peace at all about taking Mike with us to the ocean and that she had not decided this lightly. Mom R. had been praying about this for some time, and continued to feel uncomfortable about it. She went on to say that it would not be relaxing for any of us, plus with Mike having just moved, it could cause a set-back at The Harbor, as well. As she talked, I knew she was right and even so, I started to cry. I so wish that Mike could come and enjoy the beach and his family, but he is just not able to function in a manner to make that happen and would need constant supervision. After we talked some more, I agreed with her and later realized that I am a "Pollyanna" - always thinking of the best part of a situation and not being realistic about the difficulties or challenges that will come too. Ocean waves and a brain that doesn't work right could easily equal disaster. She proceeded to remind me that the original intent of this was "to give Jennifer a vacation". Oh....I didn't remember that, but coming on the heels of my loose marbles, I knew I needed it. 

So.....in line with my little rhyme, I'm learning to accept this new way of life. Mike is doing as well as can be expected and I am super excited about having a relaxing time at the beach with family. We greatly enjoy playing board & card games together, talking, eating, and there will be lots of laughter, I am sure. We will miss Mike, but it is OK for me to go, relax, and have fun. Those of us that can are going to see Mike for a couple of days when we leave the beach. Hopefully, by Christmas, he'll be more settled and we can have him with us for a few days then. We'll also be missing our son and his family that live in AZ. Hopefully they'll be able to be with us in December too!

I also gave myself this weekend off. I've stayed at home, helped Mom and Dad a bit, and done a little gardening, but God has sent a lot of rain, so it's too wet to get out there. Thank you, God! Have felt a little out of sorts, but think I was just tired and it took me a bit to let go and relax. Last night I was trying to read and fell asleep in the chair. I woke up at 9:30 pm and decided I may as well go to bed. I slept well and have felt much better today. 

Well, that's enough for this post. The other running thought may take a few posts and I may not get to it until after our beach trip. Since I don't have as much on my mind now, I am asking God what His will is for me. Is it more writing? Serving? Working? Please pray that I will be open and obedient to His will. 

Psalm 37:23-24

(NLT)

The Lord directs the steps of the godly.

    He delights in every detail of their lives.

Though they stumble, they will never fall,

    for the Lord holds them by the hand.