Hand-picked by God

I had an interview this morning for a part-time job and start next week!!! I am SO excited!!! God TOTALLY orchestrated the entire thing.  So let me back up....

The day I was driving home from NC, I received a call from Emily at District 19 and she told me that I needed to commit all of Mike's income toward the funding for a placement for him. I was rather taken aback and told her I was not comfortable committing all of it at this time, because bills were still coming in, I had to pay for her services (since Mike is not on Medicaid, we have to pay), it is my only source of income at this point too, and my understanding is that there will still be other expenses that I'm expected to pay while Mike is in a "community" facility. I also didn't know if I should look for a job, because for all I knew, Mike might still come home. A few days later I received an email from her reiterating our conversation and telling me that "You need to be looking for a job sooner than later."

Not knowing what to do, I contacted my attorney and asked for his advice.  The long and short is that there is some federal law that protects some income for the "community spouse", he's checking into mental health code and will write the needed letters.  Nothing is settled yet, there is no placement in sight for Mike, but I do not feel as pressured about the need for a full-time job at this point and that relieved a lot of stress. However! The interim days between her phone call & email and my visit with my lawyer had my mind spinning. At first I was panicked and incredulous that this is how the system works. I just knew I was not ready for full-time employment with so much still unresolved for Mike and how was I going to pay for things like the attorney, and other expenses? I wasn't sure I could handle the stress of a new job, plus still keep up with all the players in this scenario, and I had hoped to travel to see friends and family for a bit, reconnect and de-stress and then start looking for jobs in January. Nevertheless, I started job hunting and as I did, it gave me a new energy and excitement. It was like Emily's persistence had given me permission to go on with life, like I'd been slapped in the face to wake up and move on.

For so long it has felt wrong to move on while Mike cannot, but as I've said previously, I have to keep reminding myself that I cannot change Mike's situation. I believe it will be very healthy for my mind to have something else to focus on and God has supplied what looks like the perfect job. This is how it happened. When we moved back here, I asked around about doctors, dentists, etc. Since my parents were wanting to find a new dentist, I asked others and my cousin, PJ, told me that she really liked her dentist. One day when I was up there, the dentist's wife, who does all the office work, said that at some point she was going to want to cut back her hours and she thought I would be a good fit for the job. So two weeks ago, I called to let her know I was starting to look for a job. She said she would like some time to think about it and would call me. She called Wednesday, we met and talked for 2 hours today and I start Tuesday! I'm only going to work Tuesdays and Wednesdays starting out with the potential to work up to more days as I want or feel comfortable or when she's ready to cut back. Obviously, we will work together for a few months, since I have never worked in a dentist office before. I have a lot to learn. Pray I catch on quickly.

I just told someone yesterday that I had an interview today, and that I was probably looking for the impossible. God heard my thoughts and inner prayers and answered above what I thought was truly possible. This is so great because I can still keep up with what I need to for Mike, hopefully not feel overwhelmed, help Mom and Dad, and visit friends and family for long weekends. I drove home loudly praising God and squealing with joy and thankfulness! It seems that my call came at just the right time, because they were really feeling the need for office assistance. So if I had waited until January, it might have been too late. Oh! I also told her I'd like to go to Arizona to see Caleb, Anastasia and the baby in January for a week, and that is absolutely fine! This really seems hand-picked by God for me. Praise God!

On a sadder note, Mike has not had a good week. Tuesday night I received a call that they were taking Mike to the ER because he had fallen and had a nasty gash above his right eye. He had grabbed the arm of another patient and would not let go. As the patient tried to get Mike off of them, Mike lost his balance and fell, hitting his head on the floor. I met them at the ER. Mike seemed fine and was glad I came. The CT didn't show any new damage to his brain or hemorrhaging so that was good. He did receive 6 stitches. His story of what happened changed every time someone asked him. He told me he was hit by a moving chair. He told the nurse he tripped. He did not think he had done anything wrong.

Last night I visited with him and he was irritable.  I spoke with "J" one of the techs that works with Mike and she said he had not been doing well for about a week. She wondered if his medication had been changed. I thought maybe his head was hurting and he needed Tylenol. He said it didn't hurt, but he rarely seems to be aware of pain, it shows up more in his actions. He didn't even flinch on Tuesday night when the doctor stuck the needle in his wound to numb the area before stitches. The rest of us in the room did, however. I asked the nurse to try to give him some Tylenol. Is difficult when he always says "no".

I spoke with Dr. Ebeling today and no medication changes have been made since the first couple weeks after Mike arrived. He said Mike has been getting into all kinds of "mischief" at night. The example he gave was Mike pushing another patient around in their wheelchair while this person was screaming and wanting him to stop. Dr. Ebeling said "I don't think Mike means to get into trouble." He also said it had been a rough week for Mike even before the fall. Seems we are following the usual pattern. He does well for a time on a new medication and then right back to problems. Boredom, frustration and not knowing how to deal with his new brain, plus not realizing that he's hurting and annoying others. So many unknowns and all the Doctor's know to do is try yet another medication. At least he's in the right place for that.

I wanted to clarify something I wrote in my last blog. I should have put in "Mike's typical flat, no reserve brain injury style". Not every TBI survivor speaks that way, but Mike often does. Many folks with TBI have recovered well and gone on to lead productive and independent lives. Every one of us has probably interacted with a TBI survivor at some point and never even knew it.

Tenacious Trees

James 5:11

As you know, we consider blessed those 

who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what 

the Lord finally brought about. 

The Lord is full of compassion and mercy. 

Several weeks ago, I started going through the Concordance in the back of my Bible starting with "A" and looking for words that describe the character of God. So far I've learned that He is able, Almighty, Awesome and inspires Awe, and He is beautiful. Currently, I am learning about His compassion.  When I took my trip to NC a few weeks ago, I stopped at a beautiful park in Greensboro and enjoyed a walk and stretch break. The above trees captured my attention as I felt we had some things in common. Maybe you have felt this way too. Ever felt that you were holding up a load that was more than you could bear and the pressure just keeps pushing you down? Then, while you are trying to hold everything up, a stream of difficulties, guilt, sadness, sorrow, confusion, anxiety, etc. is carving out the earth beneath your feet slowly but surely? I have days like that when it's just too much and I feel myself sinking into the mire.

What is encouraging about these trees, is that they have adapted to their situation and remain strong, continue to produce growth and tenaciously cling to the foundation that is still there. Even though their roots are exposed, crooked, & twisted, they are not giving up. Job was like that and the above verse reminds us to be encouraged. Look at all that Job went through, everything he lost, and yet he persevered and in time, the Lord's compassion and mercy restored much of what Job had lost and more.

I am trying to adapt and rearrange my roots to where God wants them to be. It is so hard to know. I have moved back in with my parents. Since I grew up here, it feels like home and I'm able to be of some help to Mom and Dad, plus Mom and I enjoy doing things together and each other's company. I sense that this is where I am supposed to be, but then that begs the question, what does that mean for Mike? For now, that seems to be Central State Hospital and probably for an extended time. He is OK there, not ideal and he'd rather not be there, but it is the best we can do at this point.

I've had some great visits with him where he is clear and calm in the past couple of weeks. However, a week ago Sunday, I received a call in the afternoon saying Mike had to be put in isolation because he would not leave another resident alone. The staff tried repeatedly, and he was determined, thus the isolation. His aggressive/assertive episodes are infrequent, but when he has them, it is very hard to redirect him. Same thing we experienced at home. As you know, I felt our trying to get him off of medication contributed to the event that led to CSH, but as I've read through past journal entries, I was reminded that from the day he came home from NeuroRestorative we have had those out-of-control episodes.

I believe I've been experiencing a different, more sorrowful grief and heaviness now that this seems more permanent than we had originally hoped. I have to constantly remind myself that he is more than I can handle. I can't fix this. God is in control. That although I dislike the un-homey atmosphere he is in, he is safe, well taken care of, able to go to the treatment mall and join in activities and they have the staff to handle him, no matter what situation arises.

Since Mike has been at CSH, I have read several books. Some just for fun & escape, some spiritual, and 2 by other families with a loved one or friend who has or had TBI. I've had these TBI books for 2 years, but could not bring myself to read them. Now they were helpful. Here are a few quotes from A Change of Mind that I could readily relate to and somehow it helped to see in words. This was written by a woman whose husband suffered TBI. They also had a friend who previously had brain injury. The text in bold is where I see ourselves: About their friend - "....unable to return to any type of work following her accident, a result of her inability to deal with stress."  About her husband - "Ironically, what was initially a godsend (the return of his memory) soon became the very thing that tormented him day in and day out." "...eyes no longer had a sparkle but instead had a flat hollow look...."  "...did not have the ability to make sound judgments, which meant he continually put himself and others at risk with his actions."  "everything was about his getting through the day. I don't say that in a spiteful or demeaning way. That was the reality of how we were living." "he desperately wanted to be the father and husband he had been prior to the crash.......but his inability to cope with even the slightest stress in his daily routine ....all worked to sabotage his efforts within hours of his awakening." She also talks about how, as a caregiver, we stay in a hypervigilant mode that cannot be sustained for the long haul without having repercussions to the caregiver. Her husband died of a heart attack 6 months after his accident.

All of this is helping me to wait, trust God, and continue on the current course, even though there are times when I just don't think I can leave him there another day. It helps tremendously that he is fairly content there and isn't miserable. Saturday afternoon, my Mom and I went to see him and played a couple of rounds of the card game Skipbo. My Mom had never played before. After our second round, Mike said in typical flat, no-reserve-brain-injury style:  "Mom needs to practice at home." Ha! She had done well, but a bit too slow for his liking! Then as we were leaving he said "I'm tired of this place, Jennifer. Get me out." :-( Heart-wrenching. Can you see why sometimes I am a mess?  I thank God for His word, His Son & Spirit, my family and Mike's family, my friends, and my counselor that help me be strong and keep going. I am also thankful for you, my readers, and your precious comments and encouragement. What a blessing you are to me.

There's a whole other side of all this with the legal stuff and placement issues. I'll get into that another day. Go with God and persevere on whatever path He has for you. Remember the trees and Job.