Tenacious Trees

James 5:11

As you know, we consider blessed those 

who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what 

the Lord finally brought about. 

The Lord is full of compassion and mercy. 

Several weeks ago, I started going through the Concordance in the back of my Bible starting with "A" and looking for words that describe the character of God. So far I've learned that He is able, Almighty, Awesome and inspires Awe, and He is beautiful. Currently, I am learning about His compassion.  When I took my trip to NC a few weeks ago, I stopped at a beautiful park in Greensboro and enjoyed a walk and stretch break. The above trees captured my attention as I felt we had some things in common. Maybe you have felt this way too. Ever felt that you were holding up a load that was more than you could bear and the pressure just keeps pushing you down? Then, while you are trying to hold everything up, a stream of difficulties, guilt, sadness, sorrow, confusion, anxiety, etc. is carving out the earth beneath your feet slowly but surely? I have days like that when it's just too much and I feel myself sinking into the mire.

What is encouraging about these trees, is that they have adapted to their situation and remain strong, continue to produce growth and tenaciously cling to the foundation that is still there. Even though their roots are exposed, crooked, & twisted, they are not giving up. Job was like that and the above verse reminds us to be encouraged. Look at all that Job went through, everything he lost, and yet he persevered and in time, the Lord's compassion and mercy restored much of what Job had lost and more.

I am trying to adapt and rearrange my roots to where God wants them to be. It is so hard to know. I have moved back in with my parents. Since I grew up here, it feels like home and I'm able to be of some help to Mom and Dad, plus Mom and I enjoy doing things together and each other's company. I sense that this is where I am supposed to be, but then that begs the question, what does that mean for Mike? For now, that seems to be Central State Hospital and probably for an extended time. He is OK there, not ideal and he'd rather not be there, but it is the best we can do at this point.

I've had some great visits with him where he is clear and calm in the past couple of weeks. However, a week ago Sunday, I received a call in the afternoon saying Mike had to be put in isolation because he would not leave another resident alone. The staff tried repeatedly, and he was determined, thus the isolation. His aggressive/assertive episodes are infrequent, but when he has them, it is very hard to redirect him. Same thing we experienced at home. As you know, I felt our trying to get him off of medication contributed to the event that led to CSH, but as I've read through past journal entries, I was reminded that from the day he came home from NeuroRestorative we have had those out-of-control episodes.

I believe I've been experiencing a different, more sorrowful grief and heaviness now that this seems more permanent than we had originally hoped. I have to constantly remind myself that he is more than I can handle. I can't fix this. God is in control. That although I dislike the un-homey atmosphere he is in, he is safe, well taken care of, able to go to the treatment mall and join in activities and they have the staff to handle him, no matter what situation arises.

Since Mike has been at CSH, I have read several books. Some just for fun & escape, some spiritual, and 2 by other families with a loved one or friend who has or had TBI. I've had these TBI books for 2 years, but could not bring myself to read them. Now they were helpful. Here are a few quotes from A Change of Mind that I could readily relate to and somehow it helped to see in words. This was written by a woman whose husband suffered TBI. They also had a friend who previously had brain injury. The text in bold is where I see ourselves: About their friend - "....unable to return to any type of work following her accident, a result of her inability to deal with stress."  About her husband - "Ironically, what was initially a godsend (the return of his memory) soon became the very thing that tormented him day in and day out." "...eyes no longer had a sparkle but instead had a flat hollow look...."  "...did not have the ability to make sound judgments, which meant he continually put himself and others at risk with his actions."  "everything was about his getting through the day. I don't say that in a spiteful or demeaning way. That was the reality of how we were living." "he desperately wanted to be the father and husband he had been prior to the crash.......but his inability to cope with even the slightest stress in his daily routine ....all worked to sabotage his efforts within hours of his awakening." She also talks about how, as a caregiver, we stay in a hypervigilant mode that cannot be sustained for the long haul without having repercussions to the caregiver. Her husband died of a heart attack 6 months after his accident.

All of this is helping me to wait, trust God, and continue on the current course, even though there are times when I just don't think I can leave him there another day. It helps tremendously that he is fairly content there and isn't miserable. Saturday afternoon, my Mom and I went to see him and played a couple of rounds of the card game Skipbo. My Mom had never played before. After our second round, Mike said in typical flat, no-reserve-brain-injury style:  "Mom needs to practice at home." Ha! She had done well, but a bit too slow for his liking! Then as we were leaving he said "I'm tired of this place, Jennifer. Get me out." :-( Heart-wrenching. Can you see why sometimes I am a mess?  I thank God for His word, His Son & Spirit, my family and Mike's family, my friends, and my counselor that help me be strong and keep going. I am also thankful for you, my readers, and your precious comments and encouragement. What a blessing you are to me.

There's a whole other side of all this with the legal stuff and placement issues. I'll get into that another day. Go with God and persevere on whatever path He has for you. Remember the trees and Job.