This is who Mike is, now.

Together at Christmas. 

Greetings beloved friends, it's been a while!

I hope each of you were able to enjoy time with family and friends during the Christmas season, as well as, special times of worship and remembrance of our Lord Jesus' birth.

I made quilts for both
of my grands for Christmas.
Isn't she adorable?!

He does best when
reading.

For our Christmas, a large portion of the Rice family gathered together at Massanutten, Virginia for a few days. Aria, my granddaughter, is very active and jabbery now, so it's great fun to have her around. Some of the family had hoped to ski or tube, but it was a balmy 70+ while we were there and thus no snow. We picked Mike up on Christmas Eve and caught part of a beautiful Christmas Eve service in Ruckersville, then brought Mike back with us for 2 nights. Caleb's family had also planned to join us, but their son became very sick the Sunday before Christmas with an ear infection and croup and so it was impossible for them to fly. That was a huge disappointment, but now they are coming in March! Yay! (praying everyone is healthy and weather is good!)

Our time together with Mike went fairly well. The biggest challenge was food. He still has a tendency to gorge and so has to be watched closely. He has a hearty appetite, but still doesn't know when he's full and guessing when to stop him from eating is tricky. We took a walk each day, and with someone to support him, he did very well. By the third day, it appeared that he was over-stimulated because he kept taking his book and going into the bathroom with the door closed and staying for long periods of time. We had thought we'd keep him three nights, but I hadn't slept well, so was tired, and he seemed done too. We had no problems taking him back to The Harbor on Saturday. He got in bed with his book and we left. 

On the Sunday after Christmas, most of us went bowling and I really enjoyed playing. I even had the highest score the first 2 games, I think it was 135 both times! My nephew won the last game with 150, I think.  Aria even tried pushing the ball down the alley. Such fun with family.

After the Jones family gathering back here at the farm, I drove to Ridgecrest in North Carolina to participate in the annual Faithwalkers conference with Keegan & Amy. There were wonderful speakers and I was able to reconnect with Kris who was such a blessing to us while we lived in Raleigh, as well as, saw friends of K&A whom I've come to know and love also. Unfortunately, I wasn't feeling real well and so I left early to head home. 

When I got home, I was completely exhausted and did not want to travel anywhere! The thought of driving the 2 1/4 hours to see Mike was not a thought I wanted to entertain any time soon. In November I'd had several trips to the doctor with my Mom, then 3 weekends in a row of travel, the disappointment of Caleb's family not being able to come, had Mike with us and had been around lots of people, plus the busyness of Christmas. All combined, I was worn out physically and emotionally. There was also the above phrase playing in my head that I had not had the time to completely examine. 

The weekend before Christmas, during one of the back-to-back sessions with the brain injury specialist, I was looking at Mike lying there so calmly, and a strong impression came to my mind: "This is who Mike is now." I didn't say much about it until a couple of weeks ago, because I wanted to pray and make sure it was from the Lord.

After over a month of pondering and praying, I have a real sense of release and acceptance. Release of my almost 4 years of striving to do one more thing for Mike, and acceptance that he is as he is and I can let him be. I talked with several family members about it at the end of January and Mom Rice and I talked about the stages of grief. She had mentioned it before, but when I asked her how she felt about what I was saying, she said she thought that most of the rest of the family had already come to that point of grief - acceptance, but they weren't as close to it as I was and everyone goes through it differently. 

What this really means for me is no more treatments with the brain injury specialist and no more trying to get Mike off of medication. Plus, as Gayle so aptly reminded me, taking every thought captive and not second-guessing why the connection with the specialist, but trusting that God had a reason and purpose for that also and I don't have to know the "why". It means that I trust The Harbor and it's doctors and nurses and caregivers to do their job and I will love and visit Mike without great expectation of change. I don't think I can ever fully give up hope - there's always hope in Jesus, if not for this life, then for the next. Yet, for this life, I will be grateful for the wonderful facility and people the Lord has provided for Mike and ease up on my expectations of myself also. Mike is as content as he's going to be anywhere, I believe, and I will be content with his situation. He is being well taken care of and I can be of more help to my parents right now. It means releasing Mike and his future into God's hands more completely than I have done thus far. Hopefully completely. Truly accepting that Mike is who he is.

During this time, I also realized (with the help of my counselor) that my detailed personality had slipped into perfectionism and I was exhausting myself in an effort to be the perfect wife, perfect Christian, and perfect daughter. Too much striving. God says if I focus on Him, I'll have perfect peace. That's the perfection I want to strive for.

Isaiah 26:3 (ESV)

"You keep him in perfect peace

whose mind is stayed on you,

because he trusts in you.

It's really hard to put into words just how much of a difference all of this has made in my life in the space of a month. It's like a huge 4 year weight has been completely taken away and I feel lighter and more alive than I have in a very long time. It truly has been a long adventure to acceptance and will continue to be an adventurous journey, I'm sure, yet I have definitely had a shift in my thinking and a release that's hard to explain. Maybe this will help you understand just a bit: After I wrote to the specialist and told her that I wouldn't be bringing Mike back, she emailed me and suggested that I bring Mike back for one more hour to work on a specific area. The previous me would have felt compelled to do this one last thing, but now I have such peace and release from God, that it wasn't a hard thing to write back, graciously thank her, but explain that I believe I'm supposed to let Mike be now. No guilt, no quandary.

We had a beautiful snow. 12-15 inches probably.

At the end of January, after our big snow storm here, Gayle & Tom, came for a few days. While they were here, I asked Gayle to help me go through clothing and things of Mike's which he has not worn or used in 4 years.  We threw away very worn things, like Mike's favorite running shirt & shorts, sent lots to Goodwill, and kept very little. That job had been hanging over my head for a long time. I had gone over one day to do it, but didn't last very long. It was time and she was the perfect one to help me. Then she and Tom took care of taking bags to the dump and the good stuff to Goodwill. Another weight gone. 

Clapping to the music.

I even felt different when I visited Mike last weekend. I had not seen him since Christmas, and wasn't feeling guilty about that either and didn't have any expectations or agenda. He was doing as well as he does and I tried to follow his lead. I saw another resident wearing Mike's OSU hat, and thought "Oh well, Mike isn't worried about it. Let it be." I helped Mike eat and we walked up and down the hall a few times, but otherwise I mostly sat with him while he read. We were at peace and not striving. The highlight was The Harbor concert series which featured an Irish band on Saturday afternoon. They were terrific! Their name is An Lar and Mike and I thoroughly enjoyed listening, clapping, and trying to sing-along. I tried to upload a video of Mike clapping, but it won't load.

This week, I've actually decided on a domain name and started setting up my own self-hosted blog. I'm so excited! (and a bit nervous!) I'm venturing out into a new life for me. I've been doing some writing in a journal that will eventually go on this new blog which will be a devotional-type blog. I'm learning a lot of blog-eze, but trying not to get too deep or overwhelmed.  The great thing is that this is my "baby" and there is no time frame or expectations except what I put on myself. No stress!!  As soon as I get it together and publish my first post, I'll let you know. Physically, other than the exhaustion and stress, I found out that I have acid reflux and with a small diet change and some medication, I am feeling much better. 

I may not be posting on here as much in the future, but will continue to occasionally let you know how Mike is doing (and me). For the "new" Mike, he's doing well, is well adjusted at The Harbor and well taken care of by loving workers. All is well for him and it is well with my soul too.