Stand Still!

“Stand still and see the salvation of the Lord.”

Exodus 14:13

Stand Still! This is the word of the Lord to me today.  I’ve come to the realization that often I am too much of a doer and am not very good at being still.  Also, if things don’t seem to be progressing the way I think they should, I tend to look for alternatives or other solutions when I just need to be still and wait patiently for the Lord to act.

I went up to see Mike on Sunday and Monday.  He was sitting in his room, rocking back & forth, and watching TV.  At first he didn’t seem to know who I was, but I crouched down beside him, took his hand in mine and said “Hi, Mike, it’s Jennifer.”  He turned to me, tightened his hand on mine and tears started to fall – his and mine.  It seemed for a few brief moments that he was “there” and knew that we were in a very sad situation. Then he got up and told me he needed running shoes. We started looking for his and couldn’t locate them. He became fixated on the need to go shopping for a new pair, so for the next hour as we walked, talked, etc. that was almost his entire focus.  For the first time, I talked with him about Keegan and Amy being married and showed him wedding pictures. He took it all in stride, showing no signs of being upset about the news. I was very thankful. I also asked Mike if he was being treated well and he said yes. I commented that he seemed content and he said he was.

One of the LSTs (Life Skills Trainer), Laney, went with us to Cookout where Mike ate very well and not too fast.  He wanted to ride with her there and then rode back with me.  As we were driving, I said “I really like Laney.”  Mike said: “Yeah, he’s a nice guy.”  Me: “Um, Laney is a girl. She just has really short hair.” Mike: “Are you sure?”  Me: “Yes.”  Well, when we got back to NR, my cousin, Todd, came to visit. I was introducing Todd to Laney and Mike adds “She’s a girl.”  Then every time Mike said Laney’s name, he added “a girl”.  Too funny!  Those LSTs have to laugh off a lot of stuff and deal with even more.

We took another walk with Todd and although Mike didn’t do a lot of talking, I believe he was following the conversation as he was smiling at appropriate times. He seemed to enjoy listening and I think it does work really well having 2 people who can talk together, because it is very difficult to carry on a conversation with Mike.  It also helped having 2 family members, because we talked about people that Mike knows.  Afterwards, I helped Mike shave and we lost part of his razor down the sink. Todd to the rescue!  He took off the trap and retrieved the part.  I asked Mike where the other attachments were and he said he threw them away because he didn’t know how they worked.  I tried to encourage him to ask for help instead of just tossing items, plus encouraged him to try to shave every day, which would make the task easier. Todd and I prepared to leave, so I told Mike I would be back at 9:00 on Monday and kissed him goodbye. He was not bothered that we were leaving.

I followed Todd to his girlfriend’s house and stayed with her Sunday and Monday nights.  She is a wonderful lady, great cook, and lives only a few miles from NR which makes it very convenient for me. Silvia had prepared risotto and shrimp and it was delicious. She gave me a key to her house and sometime during the day on Monday, I misplaced it. Panic! The LST, Katie, Mike and I had been several places on Monday, so I frantically ran around to everywhere we’d been and still no key. I felt so irresponsible, was praying like crazy, and got up my nerve to call Silvia. (Did I mention she is wonderful?) She just told me to come to her work and she’d give me another key. After getting the 2^nd key, I drove to her house, took out my bag, and decided to look under the passenger seat, there was the key!  Praise God! Praise God! Praise God! I have no idea how it ended up there, but was so very glad to find it! Thanks for the prompting, Lord!

On Monday morning, I met with the case manager, recreational therapist (he makes the daily schedules for the participants) and the nurse.  I had several concerns, questions, etc., so we went through all of those and they filled me in on therapies, daily happenings, etc. Monday was not a very good day for Mike.  He was not as clear-minded as he had been on Sunday afternoon. He was playing Monopoly when I got there, but immediately got up when he saw me. He wanted to go buy new shoes. Thankfully, the staff found his shoes in the laundry. We did take him for a haircut, but he had some trouble sitting still and was concerned that all of his hair was going to be cut off. At first he wanted all of it cut off. We tried to take him out for lunch, but he became very agitated and started to be aggressive so we returned to NR. Once there, it was like a 3 ring circus.  Two other participants were not doing well, so we took Mike to his room, but could not get him distracted, he would only grab, push, etc. We finally got him to sit down to eat and once he ate some, he started to calm down. We played Sequence after lunch and then shot some basketball, and walked a bit. Then he went to rest, and that’s when I discovered I had lost the key, so had everyone looking for it. After Mike’s nap, he was in the perseverating and pacing mode, and we could not get him to go to PT. 

So basically, he’s exhibiting the same pattern – a few days or a couple of weeks of being fairly lucid, and then right back to not well. The psychiatrist has reduced the Zyprexa and upped the Neurontin. He would like to get Mike off of the Zyprexa, if possible, but needs to go slowly.  I know this, but realize our time there is limited, so became anxious that things need to move more rapidly. I have voiced some concerns to Lisa, the case manager, and we’ve been writing e-mails back and forth. Mike is just not having long periods of lucidity, so it is very difficult to do much with him at this point.

I know that the above scripture and the devotional that went with it, is the Lord’s word to me right now and I have had a tremendous peace today that I was not having Monday and Tuesday. I have to stay in God’s word to make it through all of this. I’m also starting to see a counselor beginning tomorrow and then going on an individual quiet retreat the first week of August.  I am also going to try to get caught up on medical, dental, and vision appointments that I have neglected. (Tomorrow will be 15 months since Mike’s accident.) It has been a joy to be able to just work in the garden and yard when I am home. The weeds and grass grow faster than we can keep up with, but it’s good job security and helps me sleep well at night. Harvesting squash, corn, cucumbers, potatoes, onions, tomatoes, blackberries, etc. is so satisfying. We’ve even made sweet and bread & butter pickles. It feels so good to be productive. (See? There’s the doer in me!)

Last week, I went out and had some fun. Hugh and Tracey had 2 IFYE (International Farm Youth Exchange) students staying with them for 3 weeks. Florian from Austria, and Tytti from Finland.  On Monday a week ago, I took them to Virginia Beach, and then Tuesday we spent the day at Water Country USA.  Thanks, Wendell & Lynn, for the great D, B&B!  Then on Thursday, TR, Coley, Tytti, Florian, and I all went to Kings Dominion and rode almost all of the roller coasters. I sat out of a couple of the really jerky ones, but I did ride The Drop!  What a scream! Literally.  It was quite a thrill.  It was a very hot day and not very many people which made for short lines and lots of rides.  Was really fun.  I did think of Mike a lot. He always loved amusement parks and being with others.

Sorry this is so long. I started to write a blog a couple of times lately, but just couldn’t seem to find the words. I’ll leave you with a portion of the devotional I mentioned earlier. It is, once again, from the Spurgeon Morning and Evening devotional book.

“Stand still and see the salvation of the Lord.”

Exodus 14:13

“These words contain God’s command to the believer when he is reduced to great straits and brought into extraordinary difficulties. He cannot retreat; he cannot go forward; he is shut up on the right hand and on the left; what is he now to do? The Master’s word to him is, ‘Stand Still.’ It will be well for him if at such times he listens only to his Master’s word, for other and evil advisers come with their suggestions. Despair whispers, ‘Lie down and die; give it all up.’ But God would have us put on a cheerful courage, and even in our worst times, rejoice in His love and faithfulness. Cowardice says, ‘Retreat; go back to the worldling’s way of action; you cannot play the Christian’s part, it is too difficult. Relinquish your principles.’ But, however much Satan may urge this course upon you, you cannot follow it if you are a child of God……….What , if for a while thou art called to stand still, yet this is but to renew thy strength for some greater advance in due time. Precipitancy cries, ‘Do something. Stir yourself; to stand still and wait, is sheer idleness.’ We must be doing something at once—we must do it so we think—instead of looking to the Lord, who will not only do something but will do everything.”

When I looked up this verse in different translations, some say “stand still” others “stand firm”. The first part of the verse is “But Moses said to the people, ‘Don’t be afraid.’ God tells us that a lot. I need to hear it a lot.  I also like the next verse #14. “The Lord will fight for you; you must be quiet.” I need to hear that too. It's great to work, but being quiet before the Lord daily is of utmost importance too. So, I will work on being quiet, standing firm & still, and watching the Lord fight for us. 

“Don’t be afraid.” 

"Stand Still."

Write to Mike

I am sure Mike would really appreciate hearing from friends, family, and new friends who have been so faithful to pray for us and follow our adventure.  His address is:

Mike Rice

1510 Seneca Drive

Blacksburg, VA 24060

He can also have visitors and in an effort to make sure he doesn't get too many at any given time, here is a link to a Google docs spreadsheet for scheduling visits. 

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AnmQxOyNMwyPdDVsTXZpNjFuYkltNHR0SUUyVnJoUkE&usp=sharing

This way I can check with the staff to see if it's an OK time to visit and let them know to expect someone. If he's having a good day, he can be taken out to eat, walk, shop, etc. A staff member will go along also, just in case there are any problems. I know that visitors cannot ride with the NR staff and Mike, but am not sure if NR staff & Mike can ride with the visitors. This is all new territory, so adjustments may need to be made in when and how people visit. I also understand that visiting may be uncomfortable for many, but even if Mike doesn't recognize you, at least he knows people care and have not forgotten him. It is also a real blessing and help to me knowing that others are checking in on him from time to time. I am 3 hours away so cannot visit often, plus believe he needs to get into a routine there and lose some of his attachment to me.

I wish all of the news coming from Blacksburg was as good as our trip there, Mike's first 5 days, and Mark and Lynn's visit; however, he has had some rough days this week.  I am going to copy and paste some of the updates that Lisa, the case manager, has sent to me. 

"I wanted to let you know that we made an appointment for Michael to see Primary Care today due to the amount of mucus he was producing. The primary care doctor believes it is aspiration pneumonia and wants us to put him on liquids nectar thick. He has a modified barium swallow study scheduled for next Tuesday, as well. The primary care doctor also put him on levaquin to treat the aspiration pneumonia."  

I am wondering if some of the medication he was put on at Tucker has slowed his reflexes. He had swallow problems while at WakeMed, but within a couple of months of being home, he was able to drink regular thin liquids. He will see the Psychiatrist this Wednesday, and Lisa said I would like him because he tries to get the residents on the least amount of medication possible.

"His forearm and leg are no longer swollen. The nurse is keeping his eye on them. We have found out that taking Michael for a ride seems to help when he gets really restless and perseverative. They say he gets really quiet and sometimes falls asleep in the car. We noticed that, after a brief nap, he sometimes has better orientation and attention. He’s had a few bad days this week, unfortunately. It could be a combination of being ill and the new transition. Yesterday, he was a little more aggressive, pushing staff members who would attempt to help redirect when he was perseverative and wandering around. He has been evaluated for both OT and PT. I was with him for his OT evaluation. It was a really bad time for him. He was perseverating on an activity that he was doing earlier (color by number) and he kept repeating “6 is Black, 7 is light blue,” etc. It was difficult for him to follow directions for her assessment.  He was in a much better place for his PT evaluation (it was after a nap) and was more cooperative. "

So, as you can see, he continues to follow the same pattern of days or moments of clarity and then days or moments of poor cognition. This is brain injury - I have to keep telling myself that. It is so encouraging when he has good days and can be very discouraging when he lapses back to incoherence. However, it seems that he has had longer periods of coherence, and in that there is hope of even longer periods to come. 2 steps forward, 3 steps back - this is brain injury. It is unlike any other injury that I've ever known so is very hard to understand and grasp.

Psalm 25:5

Lead me in Thy truth, and teach me:

 for Thou art the God of my salvation; 

on Thee do I wait all the day. 

"It is our duty and our privilege to wait upon the Lord in service, in worship, in expectancy, in trust all the days of our life. Our faith will be tried faith, and if it be of the true kind, it will bear continued trial without yielding. We shall not grow weary of waiting upon God if we remember how long and how graciously He once waited for us." July 8 devotion from Morning & Evening by Charles H. Spurgeon

Mark & Lynn's visit

 Just received the following from my sister-in-law, Lynn.  Mark and Lynn drove 5.5 hours from Worthington, OH last Sunday to see Mike. They are Mike's brother and sister. Thanks so much, Lynn!  I'll post an update in the next couple of days.

We left early Sunday morning and drove through the beautiful mountains of West Virginia to go see Mike in Blacksburg. We got there at 11:15, and were greeted warmly by Mike just inside the entrance. He was ready to go. We heard quickly how he had walked over 5 miles the day before. He chuckled when we told him everyone would be getting in shape w/ him there. He was very content, cooperative, & caring during our visit.

We got to know Brittany, Mike's LST for the day. She drove Mike and we followed. We headed to Wendy's for lunch and after 2 kid frosty's & nice conversation, off to Duck Pond Drive, a landmark at Virginia Tech. We fed the ducks with our loaf of stale bread, walked & chatted. One thing we noticed is Mike getting all of the jokes & jabs with a smile and laughter. 

Next, was a trip to Big Lots. Had fun getting a calendar Mike wanted, Kleenex, a pillow for his chair, & a blanket. 

Overall, we thought the facility was clean & not like a hospital, more like a home. Mike is the highest functioning in Bldg. 1, there are 2 participants leaving Bldg. 2 in the coming week or so, please join us in praying that Mike can be moved to Bldg. 2 sooner than later. We stayed close to 3 hours and it was Mike who initiated the good-bye. He said how nice it was for us to visit. It is important to note that we did NOT hear Mike say anything like “get me out of here.” It appears He is comfortable there. Mike said a prayer for our travels and families before we left. It was a bittersweet goodbye.

On the back of the book, Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist..”Bittersweet is the idea that in all things there is both something broken & something beautiful,  that there is a sliver of lightness on even the darkest nights, a shadow of hope in every heartbreak, and that rejoicing is no less rich when it contains a splinter of sadness.” This appears to me to be a lay version of a verse many are familiar with, but need to be reminded of… Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Overflowing Blessings

Mike did  fantastic the entire day! Thank you so much for your prayers and Praise God again and again and again! He answered abundantly.

Wendell and Lynn arrived on Tuesday night and we all enjoyed a great meal at Hugh and Tracey's to celebrate Tracey's birthday. Wednesday morning, we headed over to Tucker arriving about 9:50am. There wasn't much paperwork to take care of and Mike soon came out ready to GO!  When he came out, I noticed that his left forearm was swollen. I asked the case manager and charge nurse about it and they both seemed surprised to see it.  I hesitated, thinking maybe we should have it x-rayed before we left and Mike said "You can't keep me here!" Picked up his suitcase and headed for the door. So we left.  As we drove down the road, I started looking through the papers that Tucker was sending to NeuroRestorative and there was a report saying that Mike's arm had been x-rayed on the 28th. There were no broken bones, just a bone spur, but no visible reason for the swelling.  As I read further, I came across another report saying Mike had fallen on June 24.  I had never heard a word about any of this. I had been there on the 28th, but Mike would not come out to see me and I had not been back until yesterday.

When we stopped, and I saw Mike walking more and his gait seemed different, plus his left leg was swollen. He was also a bit unsteady. So I called back over to Tucker and was able to speak with a nurse who knew what had happened. She said it wasn't actually a fall. Mike had put his hand on another patient's shoulder and that patient had pushed Mike, causing him to fall on the floor. She said Mike landed on his bottom, but seemed fine afterwards. The attending doctor noticed the swollen arm and ordered x-rays, but they do not think it was related to the fall.  Mike would bang on the nurses' station door, and the nurse thought that was the reason. He has some bruising on his hand which I can understand from the banging, but the arm looks like something internal, there is no bruising. I asked about his left hip, but they had not done an x-ray on that.
I wonder if the swelling could be due to some medication and if he's just sore from the fall so his gait is different. I would think the unsteadiness is due to medication.  I don't know, but pointed out all of this to the case manager, Lisa, and the nurse, Serg, at NR.

On the other hand, cognitively, he did terrific! He asked Lynn and Wendell about their children, let us know when he was cold, getting restless, and was hungry. Once we arrived at NR, he did not want to sit with me while I filled out paperwork, he wanted to have a tour. So one of the staff, also named Mike, took our Mike and showed him, L, & W around, unpacked Mike's stuff, made sure everything was labeled, and returned when I was just finishing up. It was pouring rain several times throughout the day and a couple of times while we were trying to unload and go between buildings.  NR has 2 buildings at this location. It kind of looks like a nursing home but is in a neighborhood of apartments, soccer fields, etc., only 1.5 miles away from the Va. Tech campus. There are common areas in both buildings, some exercise equipment, and a dining area.  Mike has his own room with a half bath, a TV, twin bed, chair, chest of drawers, and closet. The shower room is down the hall a few doors. Mike did very well throughout all of the admission process and was eating when we left. He had told me that I could come visit every Friday. I told him I probably wouldn't come every Friday. "Why not?" Because it's a 3+ hour drive. He didn't seem to see why that was a problem, but did not get upset.

Lisa sent me an e-mail today saying Mike had been up a couple of times during the night, became a little upset today when they didn't have certain foods he wanted, but was doing fairly well.  I just tried to call, but they are going to have him call me back when he finishes eating.

My very supportive cousin, Todd.
Thanks, Todd, for the wonderful meal and accommodations!

After we left last night, L, W & I drove over to Radford. My cousin, Todd, had fixed a great meal, and had his spare rooms ready. Instead of a B&B, it was a D&B! We enjoyed learning more about Todd and seeing his beautifully renovated home.  I remembered today to take pictures of all my wonderful support, but forgot to get a picture with Mike yesterday.  Will do that next time I go.

My wonderful driving companions, Wendell & Lynn
took us all out to breakfast this morning.

 On the way home today, we stopped and took a walking tour of the National D-day Memorial in Bedford. Wendell is a veteran and wanted to stop. I am so glad we did. It was very educational and highly recommended.  Happy Independence Day to you all and thank you to all our service men and women past and present. I am proud to be an American!

Taking Mike Wednesday

Praise God! Praise God! Praise God!!

Tomorrow is the big day to take Mike to Blacksburg.  Everything wasn't done in time to take him today, but that's OK. When the call came today, it was a relief and joy. The cost per day is such that he should be able to stay with Neuro Restorative for 5-6 months! When I was praying this morning, the figure $400 was strong so I prayed that the daily fee would be $400 or less and it's $380!  I know this is still a lot, but when compared to other programs like this and what we're being charged at Tucker since insurance stopped, it is fantastic. Plus it gives Mike a longer time of intensive, structured therapy by BI professionals. I am so excited about the Proposed Plan of Care. It is very comprehensive.

My wonderful Uncle and Aunt, Wendell and Lynn, volunteered to go with us, driving all the way from Yorktown today so we can head out in the morning. Mike is very anxious and excited too. He called me three times this morning, telling me what to bring, when to come, and making sure that I didn't come before breakfast. When I called him this afternoon to let him know we were all set for tomorrow and what time we would come, the nurse went to get him and he said "no".  She just laughed, said a lot of times he's walking around saying my name and wanting to call, and then when I called he was "playing hard to get". Afternoons are not his best time.

I'm looking forward to spending time with him tomorrow outside of the hospital walls and praying he handles the trip and the new location well. Thank you for remembering us in your prayers also.  I'll probably post something on Thursday letting you know how it went. I'm so excited! Thank you, Lord and everyone who has helped make this possible.

Psalm 40:1-3

I waited patiently for the Lord;

He turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

He set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear

and put their trust in the Lord.

We are dust

A devotional I read this morning, was so good that I want to share it along with some other thoughts along the same lines.

Thoughts

It is so easy to turn our thoughts inward and see all of our shortcomings and failures. It may seem like humility, but often is Satan’s way of pulling us down and turning our focus away from Jesus. Introspection can be very destructive. My sister, Gayle, shared something with me a few weeks ago that was taught during a Sonship Conference. It went something like this:  We often feel we don’t spend enough time with God in prayer or reading His word or doing His will and this lack of devotion gnaws at us, making us feel that we are a disappointment to God. We believe that we never measure up to what He expects of us. The speaker said that "disappointment springs from unfulfilled expectations" and reminded everyone that God knows our frame and that we are but dust. He knows we can do nothing apart from him. He must do all in us. His expectations are not the same as ours. Psalm 103:13 & 14 As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.   Psalm 78:39 He remembered that they were but flesh, a passing breeze that does not return. 

We are dust, He has compassion. I think the expectations we have for ourselves are mainly due to what the “Christian world” says we should be doing in order to be accepted by or pleasing to God, plus we often compare ourselves to what others are doing and thus feel inadequate. No works of our own will cause Him to accept us. It is only Jesus’ death and resurrection that makes us acceptable to God. Once we receive Jesus, we are God’s child. Nothing can separate us from Him and we can do nothing good in our own flesh. What’s important is to keep our focus on Him throughout every day and yes, it is very important to spend time in His Word every day in order to know His voice and will. However, to constantly focus on what we aren’t doing or feeling like we don’t ever do enough to please God, is turning our focus onto ourselves and taking our eyes off of the very One whom we so desire to please and follow.  John 15:4 & 5 Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

Morning & Evening Devotional

By Charles H. Spurgeon

June 28

“Looking unto Jesus.” – Hebrews 12:2

“It is ever the Holy Spirit’s work to turn our eyes away from self to Jesus; but Satan’s work is just the opposite of this, for he is constantly trying to make us regard ourselves instead of Christ. He insinuates, “Your sins are too great for pardon; you have no faith; you do not repent enough; you will never be able to continue to the end; you have not the joy of His children; you have such a wavering hold of Jesus.” All these are thoughts about self, and we shall never find comfort or assurance by looking within. But the Holy Spirit turns our eyes entirely away from self: He tells us that we are nothing, but that “Christ is all in all.” Remember, therefore, it is not thy hold of Christ that saves thee—it is Christ; it is not thy joy in Christ that saves thee—it is Christ; it is not even faith in Christ, though that be the instrument—it is Christ’s blood and merits; therefore, look not so much to thy hand with which thou art grasping Christ, as to Christ; look not to thy hope, but to Jesus, the source of thy hope; look not to thy faith, but to Jesus, the author and finisher of thy faith. We shall never find happiness by looking at our prayers, our doings, or our feelings; it is what Jesus is, not what we are, that gives rest to the soul. If we would at once overcome Satan and have peace with God, it must be by “looking unto Jesus.” Keep thine eye simply on Him; let His death, His sufferings, His merits, His glories, His intercession, be fresh upon thy mind; when thou wakest in the morning look to Him; when thou liest down at night look to Him. Oh! Let not thy hopes or fears come between thee and Jesus; follow hard after Him, and He will never fail thee.”

“…we shall never find comfort or assurance by looking within.” "We shall never find happiness by looking at our prayers, our doings, or our feelings; it is what JESUS is, NOT what we are, that gives rest to the soul." Oh, how true! All we need comes from “…fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.”