Today marks the one year anniversary of Mike's heavenly home going. It's interesting how time can seem to pass so swiftly in hindsight, yet some moments during the past year crawled by at a snail's pace. I've gone through all the "firsts" without him: first anniversary, first birthdays (mine & his), first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first New Year's. However, unlike many who lost a loved one in the past year, they really weren't my firsts. Rather than being depressing or sad occasions this past year, there was a lightness that hasn't been there for almost 9 years. There was no guilt that I couldn't be with him or he with me/us, no depression that he was locked away in a facility unable to be outside or with all of his family, no thoughts that he couldn't talk with me or enjoy his children and grandchildren, no hoping for a miracle to see the vibrant man he once was - walking, running, laughing, talking. For me it was firsts of peace and lightness, rejoicing in the knowledge that he is whole once again, that his race was run, his journey completed.
I'm not saying that I don't miss him, I do. There are moments of longing, but not for the TBI Mike, but the pre-TBI, very vibrant and energetic, Mike - his companionship, physical nearness and touch, our lively conversations, spontaneous adventures, being amazed at the amount of information he could retain, playing board and card games with the family, watching OSU football, his loud voice, his crazy laugh... Yet, we were able to remember Mike in many beautiful ways throughout the past year. Each one a blessing that brought an element of remembrance, healing, closure, and peace. The Pandemic made us think outside of the norm which, for us, was a blessing in disguise. The rainbows after the storms. God's goodness and favor to us after almost 9 years of difficulty.
The past few months have been a true blessing to me personally. For the first time in all these years, when my sisters were taking care of Mom, I did not have paperwork or things to do for Mike, and since I no longer work for the Creamery I didn't have that work either. So, with the extra time, I finally went through boxes that have been packed since we sold our house in Raeford, NC 10 years ago. I took trips down memory lane all the way from my high school yearbooks, to journals from my Palau days, to the boy's high school days. I rediscovered items I had forgotten all about - my wooden Thai elephants, Palauan coconut grater, my high school artwork, my grandmother Jones' crewel embroidery and cross stitch, and LOTS of family photos. I also purged some files and tax papers. I'm feeling more organized and lighter with each thing I cross off of my mental to-do list. I'm also trying to discover who I am when I'm not caregiving for someone. I still care for and mainly live with my Mom, but as she is slowly becoming more and more dependent, my sisters are coming more often and we are sharing the caregiving. I am so blessed to have 3 sisters and a brother! My brother and his wife help too when they are able, but the farm and creamery keep them very busy.
My sister, Vivian, and her husband, Mike, spent Christmas with Mom this year, so that I could be with my NC kids and grands. It has been a joyous Christmas. There was no uneasy feeling that I was here having a great time and Mike was stuck in a facility. Yes, I thought about him and how he would have loved to hear Keegan reading the passage from Luke 2 as the girls acted out the story with the nativity figurines and he would have enjoyed being part of the loud gatherings around delicious food, but it was with a distinct feeling of gratitude, peace, and lightness that Mike is free from his earthly bonds.
Light - I've said this in differing ways in the above paragraphs. I love light. Like a fly trapped in a room, I am drawn to light. Light as in brightness and light as the opposite of heaviness. One of my favorite Christmas decorations is lights. Lights on the tree, lights in the window, lights on houses, on mantles, stair railings, etc. Those lights chase away the darkness and are a symbol of Jesus, The Light of the world. Even if you are very familiar with the below verses, please take the time to slowly read and absorb what is said.
John 3:16-21
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God.
And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed. But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God.”
John 8:12
Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world.
Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”
John 12:45-46
And whoever sees me sees him who sent me. I have come into the world as light,
so that whoever believes in me may not remain in darkness.
As you can see from the above verses, we have a choice to choose light or choose darkness. Choose Jesus or choose our own way which is choosing the darkness or, in other words, going against God. We are either for Him or against Him. There is light and there is darkness. I have chosen Jesus, the Light. What about you?
We continue to study the book of Revelation on Sunday mornings. What an amazing book! Over and over again God gives second chances to the nations to come to know Him, and over and over again they reject Him and curse Him choosing the darkness rather than the light. Don't be like that! Charles Spurgeon said: "Jesus uses our trials to wean us from earth and woo us to heaven." This life can be hard, I know. It shows how little control we have in this fallen world. My prayer is that each of you will be counted among those who stand firm for Jesus, because also over and over again in Revelation it assures those who believe Jesus is God's son and stay strong will be victorious. No matter what we may have to endure here on this earth, even if we are martyred for His name, ultimately, we will be with Jesus who is already the victor having conquered death and the grave through His crucifixion and resurrection.
Revelation is so encouraging to the Christian, but gives many warnings to those who continue to reject God's Son. This life is temporary, the life after death is forever and will be spent either with God who loves us and wants to give us joy forever or with Satan who only desires to torment forever. Please don't ignore or delay. None of us knows when our days here will be cut short. What we are sure of is that we will all die a physical death. My prayer is that you die believing in Jesus.
This may seem like a heavy message to you, and it is if you don't know Christ Jesus. My heart is heavy for those I know and love who continue to go their own way and reject Him. I pray that you will yield to the still small voice of His Holy Spirit wooing you. The promises of God are the reason I can have such peace knowing that Mike is no longer suffering, but rejoicing because He is whole and with his Savior, Jesus Christ, The Light of the World, The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world.
Revelation 21:23
And the city has no need of sun or moon to shine on it,
for the glory of God gives it light, and its lamp is the Lamb.
