Light

Today marks the one year anniversary of Mike's heavenly home going. It's interesting how time can seem to pass so swiftly in hindsight, yet some moments during the past year crawled by at a snail's pace. I've gone through all the "firsts" without him: first anniversary, first birthdays (mine & his), first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first New Year's. However, unlike many who lost a loved one in the past year, they really weren't my firsts. Rather than being depressing or sad occasions this past year, there was a lightness that hasn't been there for almost 9 years. There was no guilt that I couldn't be with him or he with me/us, no depression that he was locked away in a facility unable to be outside or with all of his family, no thoughts that he couldn't talk with me or enjoy his children and grandchildren, no hoping for a miracle to see the vibrant man he once was - walking, running, laughing, talking. For me it was firsts of peace and lightness, rejoicing in the knowledge that he is whole once again, that his race was run, his journey completed. 

I'm not saying that I don't miss him, I do. There are moments of longing, but not for the TBI Mike, but the pre-TBI, very vibrant and energetic, Mike - his companionship, physical nearness and touch, our lively conversations, spontaneous adventures, being amazed at the amount of information he could retain, playing board and card games with the family, watching OSU football, his loud voice, his crazy laugh... Yet, we were able to remember Mike in many beautiful ways throughout the past year. Each one a blessing that brought an element of remembrance, healing, closure, and peace. The Pandemic made us think outside of the norm which, for us, was a blessing in disguise. The rainbows after the storms. God's goodness and favor to us after almost 9 years of difficulty.

The past few months have been a true blessing to me personally. For the first time in all these years, when my sisters were taking care of Mom, I did not have paperwork or things to do for Mike, and since I no longer work for the Creamery I didn't have that work either. So, with the extra time, I finally went through boxes that have been packed since we sold our house in Raeford, NC 10 years ago. I took trips down memory lane all the way from my high school yearbooks, to journals from my Palau days, to the boy's high school days. I rediscovered items I had forgotten all about - my wooden Thai elephants, Palauan coconut grater, my high school artwork, my grandmother Jones' crewel embroidery and cross stitch, and LOTS of family photos. I also purged some files and tax papers. I'm feeling more organized and lighter with each thing I cross off of my mental to-do list. I'm also trying to discover who I am when I'm not caregiving for someone. I still care for and mainly live with my Mom, but as she is slowly becoming more and more dependent, my sisters are coming more often and we are sharing the caregiving. I am so blessed to have 3 sisters and a brother! My brother and his wife help too when they are able, but the farm and creamery keep them very busy.

My sister, Vivian, and her husband, Mike, spent Christmas with Mom this year, so that I could be with my NC kids and grands. It has been a joyous Christmas. There was no uneasy feeling that I was here having a great time and Mike was stuck in a facility. Yes, I thought about him and how he would have loved to hear Keegan reading the passage from Luke 2 as the girls acted out the story with the nativity figurines and he would have enjoyed being part of the loud gatherings around delicious food, but it was with a distinct feeling of gratitude, peace, and lightness that Mike is free from his earthly bonds. 

Light - I've said this in differing ways in the above paragraphs. I love light. Like a fly trapped in a room, I am drawn to light. Light as in brightness and light as the opposite of heaviness. One of my favorite Christmas decorations is lights. Lights on the tree, lights in the window, lights on houses, on mantles, stair railings, etc. Those lights chase away the darkness and are a symbol of Jesus, The Light of the world. Even if you are very familiar with the below verses, please take the time to slowly read and absorb what is said.

John 3:16-21

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. 

And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed. But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God.”

John 8:12

Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. 

Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

John 12:45-46

And whoever sees me sees him who sent me. I have come into the world as light, 

so that whoever believes in me may not remain in darkness.

As you can see from the above verses, we have a choice to choose light or choose darkness. Choose Jesus or choose our own way which is choosing the darkness or, in other words, going against God. We are either for Him or against Him. There is light and there is darkness. I have chosen Jesus, the Light. What about you? 

We continue to study the book of Revelation on Sunday mornings. What an amazing book! Over and over again God gives second chances to the nations to come to know Him, and over and over again they reject Him and curse Him choosing the darkness rather than the light. Don't be like that! Charles Spurgeon said: "Jesus uses our trials to wean us from earth and woo us to heaven." This life can be hard, I know. It shows how little control we have in this fallen world. My prayer is that each of you will be counted among those who stand firm for Jesus, because also over and over again in Revelation it assures those who believe Jesus is God's son and stay strong will be victorious. No matter what we may have to endure here on this earth, even if we are martyred for His name, ultimately, we will be with Jesus who is already the victor having conquered death and the grave through His crucifixion and resurrection.  

Revelation is so encouraging to the Christian, but gives many warnings to those who continue to reject God's Son. This life is temporary, the life after death is forever and will be spent either with God who loves us and wants to give us joy forever or with Satan who only desires to torment forever. Please don't ignore or delay. None of us knows when our days here will be cut short. What we are sure of is that we will all die a physical death. My prayer is that you die believing in Jesus.

This may seem like a heavy message to you, and it is if you don't know Christ Jesus. My heart is heavy for those I know and love who continue to go their own way and reject Him. I pray that you will yield to the still small voice of His Holy Spirit wooing you. The promises of God are the reason I can have such peace knowing that Mike is no longer suffering, but rejoicing because He is whole and with his Savior, Jesus Christ, The Light of the World, The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world.

Revelation 21:23

And the city has no need of sun or moon to shine on it, 

for the glory of God gives it light, and its lamp is the Lamb.

Catching Up

I realized there are some things I haven't told y'all so wanted to catch up a bit. Also, in my last blog, I tried to highlight a couple of phrases and inadvertently mostly blocked them out. Keegan fixed that for me, so if you weren't able to read those lines, go back and all will be visible now.

Most importantly, I failed to write that the day after the 7 year anniversary of Mike's accident, his father, Jim, passed away unexpectedly of a heart attack. Jim and his partner, Sonia, lived in Florida. Mike's brother and sister flew down for the weekend to help with arrangements and be with Sonia. His ashes will later be returned to Ohio. Jim lived with Mike and I for 6 months when we lived in Ohio. Our boys were young at the time and I also took care of other children in our home. It was a busy time of life and while I kept a relatively straight and clean home, Jim liked cleaning and asked if I minded if he cleaned. Have at it, Jim! It's not my favorite thing to do and I was not offended! My house had never been so clean as when Jim lived with us. He even did the dishes, so was a great help to have around. The boys were financially blessed, because he always gave them his coins. On his rare visits after he moved away, he still brought them bags of loose change. 

Over the past 7 years, I have actually come to know Jim and love him more than before. Usually it was Mike who would talk with him on the phone every other Sunday, but after the accident I was the one to talk with Jim or Sonia. Conversations with Jim were usually short and somewhat abrupt, but occasionally he would chat more and once he shared some from his young years. Stories I had never heard before. His growing up was very different from mine with family relationships not coming as easily. It gave me a glimpse into why he was a bit distant. I had the opportunity to visit Jim and Sonia in March of 2018 and am so glad I did. I think Mike's accident hit Jim hard and he never failed to ask me if the doctors gave me any hope of a full recovery. I believe Jim loved his family, he just didn't always know how to show it. He was kind and helpful to me when he lived with us and in these post-accident years he was an encouragement to me to continue strong. He often thanked me for taking such good care of his son and he knew it was only possible because of "the good Lord".  I will miss those short, but heartfelt conversations. 

As a follow-up to my last post, I received a call from the PA who was none to happy with the RN for calling her and me with such an alarming report when in actuality Mike was nowhere near as bad as she made it sound. The PA also thought Mike was in serious trouble until she spoke with the day nurse who painted a different picture and later when she heard of my morning with Mike. She was going to be speaking with the RN and the director, but I don't know what came of that. The RN is still there and we haven't had any more alarming phone calls; however....

A couple of weeks ago I noticed that Mike was chewing his food differently and it was staying in his mouth a long time. His norm had been gorging, so this was quite noticeable. I wondered if his teeth hurt, but when a dentist came to check patients, Mike wouldn't let him look in his mouth. He doesn't really let anyone brush his teeth either, so it's very likely something is wrong; however, he's been uncooperative with oral hygiene ever since that last fall and resulting surgery in June 2018. I think he would have to be sedated in order to check his teeth. There is no noticeable swelling or redness that we can see. 

On the 16th his poor handling of food was more noticeable so I asked if he could be re-evaluated by Speech Therapy. This past week he was and was put back on a pureed diet. Thursday when I was there, ST worked with him and found that he swallows thick liquid well, but even applesauce stayed at the back of his throat and he didn't swallow unless given liquid to chase it down. This is a danger because he could aspirate if food stays in the back of his throat where the esophagus and trachea meet. The ST was going to train the CNAs to feed him slowly and make sure he swallows after the soft foods. She tried giving him a mashed banana that evening, but he didn't handle it well either. It will have to be pureed foods for now and she will work with him 3 times a week to see if she can get him back to soft or solid foods. The ST noted that with his constant omming, his jaws rarely get a break. It's possible that he is having joint pain there which would make sense in regard to chewing, but I don't know that it would affect his swallowing. He's also had several episodes of vomiting and diarrhea, so an ultrasound of his abdomen was done later that day. Everything seems to be in good working order, only some gas. Bottom line is we don't know why the change.

I did tell him about his father dying, and it's possible there is some depression or sadness related to his Dad's death, but that shouldn't cause these types of issues. There has been some medication change also, but it was getting rid of medication and one was dropped about a month ago and the other on Tuesday of last week. He had not been sleeping well and was disturbing Mr. B. The nighttime Seroquel was reduced and the Trazodone increased. Mr. B said Mike's been sleeping great, which allows him to sleep well also. One problem solved, two more pop up.

A true blessing this past Thursday was taking communion with Mike. Our Pastor from Grace drove up to the facility and we had our own private communion service on the deck. Pastor, Mike, Mr. Ommm and me. Mike ommmed through most of it, but it was a blessing all the same and had been far too long since he had partaken. My one regret is that I didn't get a photo of our special service together. 

It was beautiful at church today to remember the One who gave his life to pay for our sins, Jesus, plus remember those who gave their lives for our freedom. Tomorrow is Memorial Day. As you enjoy family, friends and cook-outs, take a few moments to remember those who gave all so that we may enjoy these simple pleasures. Many homes have empty seats and hurting hearts, remember their families also.

John 15:13 (NIV)

Greater love has no one than this:

to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

A Gamut of Emotions

Tuesday, May 7, 2019

Grateful - Waking up after a good night's sleep even after overtaxing my back the day before.

Anticipation - It will be a good day. Mom is doing well, I turn 59, and it's TABS day. (Tuesday Afternoon Bible Study)

Peaceful - Time in God's word

Surprise - I missed a call at 6:19 from Appomattox Health & Rehab while taking Mom's vitals and doing our morning stretches. Didn't look at my phone until almost 7:00.

Alarmed - After speaking with the night nurse. Seems Mike didn't eat or drink well on Monday (very unusual) and was not passing urine. She said his eyes looked more sunken than usual and he was very quiet. She was able to put in a catheter, but very little came out. She had contacted the PA and they were drawing blood to check his kidney function. He sounded very dehydrated. It all sounded very bad and possibly life-threatening. If he wouldn't drink, they would have to put in an IV.

Calm - I suppose after 7 years of varying crises, I don't get overly frantic, but instead go into crisis mode. Text to see if Betty can come early to be with Mom, get dressed, pray without ceasing, go prepared to stay the night, take Power of Attorney, Guardian & Conservator paperwork, fix Mom's breakfast and pills, call family and friends to pray.

Racing Thoughts - How bad is this, Lord? Are his kidneys shutting down? Is he dying? What kind of decisions will I have to make? Will Mike leave an IV alone? Will he have to go to the hospital? He's been through so much already, no more feeding tubes or drastic measures.  Will I be going against medical advice with any decisions? I remembered a former nurse at another facility telling me that if I ever had to make a decision in this regard, that dehydration was not a bad way to go - that it brought on a sort of euphoria. 

Crying - After I informed Keegan, he prayed for Mike and me. We were both thinking God could be calling Mike home. We ended up in tears. 

Hopeful - That Mike's earthly struggle may soon come to an end and he'll be free from this physical trapping of flesh and see his Savior face to face. Hopeful for an end of these yo-yo days for me.

Blessed - Many were praying for us and I had offers from folks to ride with me. At that moment I was thankful for something my counselor had told me last Friday. "Don't feel obligated. Be sure God is leading you and not yourself." She knows me well - hard to say no, but needful at times. 

Courage - God is with me; therefore, I can make it through whatever happens today. One thing at a time. It's OK to turn down help, at times. The drive gives me time to think, pray, and prepare myself, so sometimes it is best to go by myself. I've also learned that when someone is with me my focus is divided. I am concerned about them and their time. This is not always the case, sometimes I want support with me, but so much of this has been done alone with God and often I function best that way. 

Prayerful - Please go before me dear God and give me wisdom and guidance. Be with Mike. Comfort him, hold him. 

Normal - When I arrived at 10:00 AM, I thought Mike looked the same as he always does. The day nurse said he had eaten his breakfast and drank a little, but still no urine. She would have to cath him if he had not voided by 1:00 PM. They keep a little cooler in his room with thickened drinks, so I took out a tea and he sipped on it. I really think he gets tired of all the flavors. Even the pre-mixed thickened water has lemon flavoring, so I asked for a big Styrofoam cup with a bit of ice. I keep thickener there and have asked them to give him cups of water, but I don't think they do. 

Praise - He took a few sips of the water, then I got him up to walk and took the water with us. I kept pushing the water every few steps and by the time we circled the parking lot and came back around, he had finished the entire cup and his Depends was soaked. Praise God! 

Relaxed - I fixed him a second cup and we sat on the deck. He read his Bible, I fed him his lunch and he drank all of the second cup, plus the two small drinks that came with his lunch. He read some more and I closed my eyes and relaxed. He was his usual normal to me. I attempted to brush his teeth and then left.

Contemplative - The need to be alone and away from busyness was strong. After picking up a sandwich, I headed to Holiday Lake. It was a gorgeous day and the drive through the country was beautiful. I thought back through the day and the various emotions. In complete candor, I must include disappointment. Maybe a strange emotion to have, yet knowing that Mike has given his life to Jesus and how energetic, active and lively he was pre-accident, I cannot wish him to stay as he is. I know he will be free and whole when he dies and best of all he'll be with Jesus! Seven years of seeing him locked inside his own broken body is tough for him and me. I desire freedom for both of us.  

Alone - Both Sunday and today I felt the need to be alone with God. Sunday I was dressed for church and halfway to my car when I stopped and reconsidered. It had been raining, but wasn't at the time, my sister was with Mom and I wasn't running the media that morning. I turned right around, changed my clothes and struck out on a walk. I enjoyed walking and talking with the Lord, I sang and listened to some worship music and then was quiet and relished in the sounds of nature. It's odd that as I prayed for God to be merciful to Mike, the thought of him dying on my birthday passed through my mind. Oh please not on my birthday, Lord.  When I received the call Tuesday morning, it sure sounded like it might indeed be on my birthday, but no, not yet.

Joyful & Listening - I arrived at the lake and was the only one there. It was so beautiful, quiet, and peaceful. The air was crisp and the wind off of the water was pleasant. I took a little walk around, ate and then sat and read. It's taking me a long time to get through this book, Walking with God through Pain and Suffering by Timothy Keller, but I see God's hand even in my slow progress. The right words at the right time. 

Trusting - Chapter 13 - "Trusting the Hidden God"

Remember Joseph? Favorite of his father, despised by his brothers who sold him into slavery, falsely accused and thrown into prison, yet rises to a high position and saves his family and many from starvation? Keller says: 

"Despite all the years of unanswered prayer, Joseph was still trusting God. The point is this--God was hearing and responding to Joseph's prayers for deliverance, rescue, and salvation, but not in the ways or forms or times Joseph asked for it."

"We must never assume that we know enough to mistrust God's ways or be bitter against what He has allowed." 

"If the story of Joseph and the whole of the Bible is true, then anything that comes into your life is something that, as painful as it is, you need in some way."

Keller quotes a portion of a letter written by John Newton to a grieving sister. Two parts stood out to me: 

"Her illness grieves me: and were it in my power I would quickly remove it: the Lord can, and I hope will, when it has answered the end for which he sent it....You have need of patience, and if you ask, the Lord will give it. But there can be no settled peace till our will is in a measure subdued." 

Loved & Humbled - Mike will not die or be healed until God says so. God is working everything according to His will. I have no idea what that is, but I've learned God is trustworthy and His timing perfect. Lots of unpleasant things had to happen to Joseph before he could be in a position to help others. He didn't understand along the way, yet he trusted. Hopefully when the next crisis comes, my first response will be "Your will be done, Father God, Your will be done." 

My Husband IS Amazing

7 YEARS AGO TODAY life took a very dramatic change of direction for Mike and me. From this vantage point it's gone by quickly, yet in another sense I feel every bit of it. Today as Mike and I were walking on the sidewalk I thought of all he had been through and yet here he was walking. I cannot imagine the amount of pain he has endured all of these years. He really is amazing. From the initial accident with all of his injuries to subsequent falls, a broken nose, multiple skin tears, breaking the same femur but a different location, multiple hospital stays, 3 different homes with me, plus the confinement of 4 different facilities. It amazes me how strong he remains and how he has the ability to persevere and work through the pain with a mind that cannot function properly. He is a strong man.

At this time of day seven years ago, I was sitting in a hospital waiting room with a few friends while Mike underwent emergency surgery. I had no idea how bad his injuries were or that 7 years later we would still be living with the effects. I am so glad that we only have to live one day at a time and that we do not know what the future holds. One day is doable and after making it through that one, the next comes and God's strength is sufficient for that one also. I remember thinking somewhere in the 2nd or 3rd year mark that I'd never be able to make it year after year and prayed God would work a miracle. I believe the miracle is learning that God is there second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, and as we focus on Him we continue to move. It may not always be forward, but we are moving and He is there to hold us, pick us up, carry us or pull us along and provide what is needed at the present time.  

During these 7 years, I have no idea what God and Mike have talked about, but I have talked with God a whole lot about a whole lot! I've cried, begged, pleaded, yelled, wept, been silent, questioned, thanked, praised, and rested with Him. I've also been challenged and grown in my understanding of who He is and who I am. I've learned how HUGE He is and how small I am. I've learned He is sovereign and His ways are always best and He doesn't have to explain anything to me. He doesn't owe me anything. I've come to love His word, the Bible, and the blinders are coming off more and more as I dig deeper and open my heart to hear what He has to say. I know that I can trust Him completely for He is in control, He is awesome, He is Sovereign, the Almighty One, He is HOLY and He loves fiercely. 

I do still feel sorry for my husband and long for him to be healed or home with his Lord, yet I will trust God's timing. He is God and I am not. I am thankful for what God has done in my life as a result of this trauma. I don't want to go back to who I was and how I believed 7 years ago. Growth has happened due to pain and that is a very good thing.

I also appreciate all of the prayers and support from our family and friends. You have been God's hands and feet to us and a huge part of our story. I love you all.

James 1:2-4 & 12

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, 

whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 

Let perseverance finish its work so that 

you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

For anyone who does not know what happened to Mike, here's what I wrote on CaringBridge the day after the trauma began:

https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mikerice

Site created on April 26, 2012

Wednesday afternoon, April 25, Mike went out to run as is his routine around 4:30pm. Evidently he ran in front of a woman as she was driving down the road and she could not avoid him. He was hit and rolled on the hood of her truck before striking the road. According to the policeman, she did some very quick thinking and turned to the right so that when he fell on the road she did not run over him. 

He is in critical condition. The injuries that they know of so far are: badly broken bones below the knee on both legs that were open wounds (the left suffered more soft tissue damage and is of more concern), broken right femur, broken left ribs, collapsed left lung, and there is bleeding on the brain. They believe he will not need brain surgery at this point - the blood should resolve or whatever you call it.  A bolt was put into his head to relieve the pressure and to monitor the pressure. He is intubated and has a chest tube but they are hopeful that he will be able to breath on his own very soon.  Because he is in such great physical condition, they are very hopeful for lots of things but kept telling me they can't guarantee anything, of course. There is the possibility of infection,  especially in his legs.

Last night after they got him stabilized, I was able to quickly go see him before they took him to surgery. He was taken into the OR around 7:30pm by the orthopedic surgeon to try to thoroughly cleanse the open wounds on his lower legs and put external devices on his legs with pins that go through the skin to the bone to set and stabilize the bones as much as possible.  This took approx. 2 hours and Mike came through it well. There are multiple fractures in both lower legs and he had lost a lot of blood.  If all goes well, later they will go in and place rods in his legs. 

He was put into an ICU room around 11pm and about 12:30pm I was able to go see him. Of course, right now he is in a drug induced coma and they plan to keep him that way for at least a couple of days.

Thanks so much for all the prayers!!  I know prayer warriors have been busy, because I felt such peace and calm throughout the afternoon and evening.

Our church family came out in force - you are wonderful West Fay. Baptist!!!  Thank you so much! I'll try to keep you posted. Love you all! Jennifer