A Gamut of Emotions

Tuesday, May 7, 2019

Grateful - Waking up after a good night's sleep even after overtaxing my back the day before.

Anticipation - It will be a good day. Mom is doing well, I turn 59, and it's TABS day. (Tuesday Afternoon Bible Study)

Peaceful - Time in God's word

Surprise - I missed a call at 6:19 from Appomattox Health & Rehab while taking Mom's vitals and doing our morning stretches. Didn't look at my phone until almost 7:00.

Alarmed - After speaking with the night nurse. Seems Mike didn't eat or drink well on Monday (very unusual) and was not passing urine. She said his eyes looked more sunken than usual and he was very quiet. She was able to put in a catheter, but very little came out. She had contacted the PA and they were drawing blood to check his kidney function. He sounded very dehydrated. It all sounded very bad and possibly life-threatening. If he wouldn't drink, they would have to put in an IV.

Calm - I suppose after 7 years of varying crises, I don't get overly frantic, but instead go into crisis mode. Text to see if Betty can come early to be with Mom, get dressed, pray without ceasing, go prepared to stay the night, take Power of Attorney, Guardian & Conservator paperwork, fix Mom's breakfast and pills, call family and friends to pray.

Racing Thoughts - How bad is this, Lord? Are his kidneys shutting down? Is he dying? What kind of decisions will I have to make? Will Mike leave an IV alone? Will he have to go to the hospital? He's been through so much already, no more feeding tubes or drastic measures.  Will I be going against medical advice with any decisions? I remembered a former nurse at another facility telling me that if I ever had to make a decision in this regard, that dehydration was not a bad way to go - that it brought on a sort of euphoria. 

Crying - After I informed Keegan, he prayed for Mike and me. We were both thinking God could be calling Mike home. We ended up in tears. 

Hopeful - That Mike's earthly struggle may soon come to an end and he'll be free from this physical trapping of flesh and see his Savior face to face. Hopeful for an end of these yo-yo days for me.

Blessed - Many were praying for us and I had offers from folks to ride with me. At that moment I was thankful for something my counselor had told me last Friday. "Don't feel obligated. Be sure God is leading you and not yourself." She knows me well - hard to say no, but needful at times. 

Courage - God is with me; therefore, I can make it through whatever happens today. One thing at a time. It's OK to turn down help, at times. The drive gives me time to think, pray, and prepare myself, so sometimes it is best to go by myself. I've also learned that when someone is with me my focus is divided. I am concerned about them and their time. This is not always the case, sometimes I want support with me, but so much of this has been done alone with God and often I function best that way. 

Prayerful - Please go before me dear God and give me wisdom and guidance. Be with Mike. Comfort him, hold him. 

Normal - When I arrived at 10:00 AM, I thought Mike looked the same as he always does. The day nurse said he had eaten his breakfast and drank a little, but still no urine. She would have to cath him if he had not voided by 1:00 PM. They keep a little cooler in his room with thickened drinks, so I took out a tea and he sipped on it. I really think he gets tired of all the flavors. Even the pre-mixed thickened water has lemon flavoring, so I asked for a big Styrofoam cup with a bit of ice. I keep thickener there and have asked them to give him cups of water, but I don't think they do. 

Praise - He took a few sips of the water, then I got him up to walk and took the water with us. I kept pushing the water every few steps and by the time we circled the parking lot and came back around, he had finished the entire cup and his Depends was soaked. Praise God! 

Relaxed - I fixed him a second cup and we sat on the deck. He read his Bible, I fed him his lunch and he drank all of the second cup, plus the two small drinks that came with his lunch. He read some more and I closed my eyes and relaxed. He was his usual normal to me. I attempted to brush his teeth and then left.

Contemplative - The need to be alone and away from busyness was strong. After picking up a sandwich, I headed to Holiday Lake. It was a gorgeous day and the drive through the country was beautiful. I thought back through the day and the various emotions. In complete candor, I must include disappointment. Maybe a strange emotion to have, yet knowing that Mike has given his life to Jesus and how energetic, active and lively he was pre-accident, I cannot wish him to stay as he is. I know he will be free and whole when he dies and best of all he'll be with Jesus! Seven years of seeing him locked inside his own broken body is tough for him and me. I desire freedom for both of us.  

Alone - Both Sunday and today I felt the need to be alone with God. Sunday I was dressed for church and halfway to my car when I stopped and reconsidered. It had been raining, but wasn't at the time, my sister was with Mom and I wasn't running the media that morning. I turned right around, changed my clothes and struck out on a walk. I enjoyed walking and talking with the Lord, I sang and listened to some worship music and then was quiet and relished in the sounds of nature. It's odd that as I prayed for God to be merciful to Mike, the thought of him dying on my birthday passed through my mind. Oh please not on my birthday, Lord.  When I received the call Tuesday morning, it sure sounded like it might indeed be on my birthday, but no, not yet.

Joyful & Listening - I arrived at the lake and was the only one there. It was so beautiful, quiet, and peaceful. The air was crisp and the wind off of the water was pleasant. I took a little walk around, ate and then sat and read. It's taking me a long time to get through this book, Walking with God through Pain and Suffering by Timothy Keller, but I see God's hand even in my slow progress. The right words at the right time. 

Trusting - Chapter 13 - "Trusting the Hidden God"

Remember Joseph? Favorite of his father, despised by his brothers who sold him into slavery, falsely accused and thrown into prison, yet rises to a high position and saves his family and many from starvation? Keller says: 

"Despite all the years of unanswered prayer, Joseph was still trusting God. The point is this--God was hearing and responding to Joseph's prayers for deliverance, rescue, and salvation, but not in the ways or forms or times Joseph asked for it."

"We must never assume that we know enough to mistrust God's ways or be bitter against what He has allowed." 

"If the story of Joseph and the whole of the Bible is true, then anything that comes into your life is something that, as painful as it is, you need in some way."

Keller quotes a portion of a letter written by John Newton to a grieving sister. Two parts stood out to me: 

"Her illness grieves me: and were it in my power I would quickly remove it: the Lord can, and I hope will, when it has answered the end for which he sent it....You have need of patience, and if you ask, the Lord will give it. But there can be no settled peace till our will is in a measure subdued." 

Loved & Humbled - Mike will not die or be healed until God says so. God is working everything according to His will. I have no idea what that is, but I've learned God is trustworthy and His timing perfect. Lots of unpleasant things had to happen to Joseph before he could be in a position to help others. He didn't understand along the way, yet he trusted. Hopefully when the next crisis comes, my first response will be "Your will be done, Father God, Your will be done."