A Gamut of Emotions

Tuesday, May 7, 2019

Grateful - Waking up after a good night's sleep even after overtaxing my back the day before.

Anticipation - It will be a good day. Mom is doing well, I turn 59, and it's TABS day. (Tuesday Afternoon Bible Study)

Peaceful - Time in God's word

Surprise - I missed a call at 6:19 from Appomattox Health & Rehab while taking Mom's vitals and doing our morning stretches. Didn't look at my phone until almost 7:00.

Alarmed - After speaking with the night nurse. Seems Mike didn't eat or drink well on Monday (very unusual) and was not passing urine. She said his eyes looked more sunken than usual and he was very quiet. She was able to put in a catheter, but very little came out. She had contacted the PA and they were drawing blood to check his kidney function. He sounded very dehydrated. It all sounded very bad and possibly life-threatening. If he wouldn't drink, they would have to put in an IV.

Calm - I suppose after 7 years of varying crises, I don't get overly frantic, but instead go into crisis mode. Text to see if Betty can come early to be with Mom, get dressed, pray without ceasing, go prepared to stay the night, take Power of Attorney, Guardian & Conservator paperwork, fix Mom's breakfast and pills, call family and friends to pray.

Racing Thoughts - How bad is this, Lord? Are his kidneys shutting down? Is he dying? What kind of decisions will I have to make? Will Mike leave an IV alone? Will he have to go to the hospital? He's been through so much already, no more feeding tubes or drastic measures.  Will I be going against medical advice with any decisions? I remembered a former nurse at another facility telling me that if I ever had to make a decision in this regard, that dehydration was not a bad way to go - that it brought on a sort of euphoria. 

Crying - After I informed Keegan, he prayed for Mike and me. We were both thinking God could be calling Mike home. We ended up in tears. 

Hopeful - That Mike's earthly struggle may soon come to an end and he'll be free from this physical trapping of flesh and see his Savior face to face. Hopeful for an end of these yo-yo days for me.

Blessed - Many were praying for us and I had offers from folks to ride with me. At that moment I was thankful for something my counselor had told me last Friday. "Don't feel obligated. Be sure God is leading you and not yourself." She knows me well - hard to say no, but needful at times. 

Courage - God is with me; therefore, I can make it through whatever happens today. One thing at a time. It's OK to turn down help, at times. The drive gives me time to think, pray, and prepare myself, so sometimes it is best to go by myself. I've also learned that when someone is with me my focus is divided. I am concerned about them and their time. This is not always the case, sometimes I want support with me, but so much of this has been done alone with God and often I function best that way. 

Prayerful - Please go before me dear God and give me wisdom and guidance. Be with Mike. Comfort him, hold him. 

Normal - When I arrived at 10:00 AM, I thought Mike looked the same as he always does. The day nurse said he had eaten his breakfast and drank a little, but still no urine. She would have to cath him if he had not voided by 1:00 PM. They keep a little cooler in his room with thickened drinks, so I took out a tea and he sipped on it. I really think he gets tired of all the flavors. Even the pre-mixed thickened water has lemon flavoring, so I asked for a big Styrofoam cup with a bit of ice. I keep thickener there and have asked them to give him cups of water, but I don't think they do. 

Praise - He took a few sips of the water, then I got him up to walk and took the water with us. I kept pushing the water every few steps and by the time we circled the parking lot and came back around, he had finished the entire cup and his Depends was soaked. Praise God! 

Relaxed - I fixed him a second cup and we sat on the deck. He read his Bible, I fed him his lunch and he drank all of the second cup, plus the two small drinks that came with his lunch. He read some more and I closed my eyes and relaxed. He was his usual normal to me. I attempted to brush his teeth and then left.

Contemplative - The need to be alone and away from busyness was strong. After picking up a sandwich, I headed to Holiday Lake. It was a gorgeous day and the drive through the country was beautiful. I thought back through the day and the various emotions. In complete candor, I must include disappointment. Maybe a strange emotion to have, yet knowing that Mike has given his life to Jesus and how energetic, active and lively he was pre-accident, I cannot wish him to stay as he is. I know he will be free and whole when he dies and best of all he'll be with Jesus! Seven years of seeing him locked inside his own broken body is tough for him and me. I desire freedom for both of us.  

Alone - Both Sunday and today I felt the need to be alone with God. Sunday I was dressed for church and halfway to my car when I stopped and reconsidered. It had been raining, but wasn't at the time, my sister was with Mom and I wasn't running the media that morning. I turned right around, changed my clothes and struck out on a walk. I enjoyed walking and talking with the Lord, I sang and listened to some worship music and then was quiet and relished in the sounds of nature. It's odd that as I prayed for God to be merciful to Mike, the thought of him dying on my birthday passed through my mind. Oh please not on my birthday, Lord.  When I received the call Tuesday morning, it sure sounded like it might indeed be on my birthday, but no, not yet.

Joyful & Listening - I arrived at the lake and was the only one there. It was so beautiful, quiet, and peaceful. The air was crisp and the wind off of the water was pleasant. I took a little walk around, ate and then sat and read. It's taking me a long time to get through this book, Walking with God through Pain and Suffering by Timothy Keller, but I see God's hand even in my slow progress. The right words at the right time. 

Trusting - Chapter 13 - "Trusting the Hidden God"

Remember Joseph? Favorite of his father, despised by his brothers who sold him into slavery, falsely accused and thrown into prison, yet rises to a high position and saves his family and many from starvation? Keller says: 

"Despite all the years of unanswered prayer, Joseph was still trusting God. The point is this--God was hearing and responding to Joseph's prayers for deliverance, rescue, and salvation, but not in the ways or forms or times Joseph asked for it."

"We must never assume that we know enough to mistrust God's ways or be bitter against what He has allowed." 

"If the story of Joseph and the whole of the Bible is true, then anything that comes into your life is something that, as painful as it is, you need in some way."

Keller quotes a portion of a letter written by John Newton to a grieving sister. Two parts stood out to me: 

"Her illness grieves me: and were it in my power I would quickly remove it: the Lord can, and I hope will, when it has answered the end for which he sent it....You have need of patience, and if you ask, the Lord will give it. But there can be no settled peace till our will is in a measure subdued." 

Loved & Humbled - Mike will not die or be healed until God says so. God is working everything according to His will. I have no idea what that is, but I've learned God is trustworthy and His timing perfect. Lots of unpleasant things had to happen to Joseph before he could be in a position to help others. He didn't understand along the way, yet he trusted. Hopefully when the next crisis comes, my first response will be "Your will be done, Father God, Your will be done." 

My Husband IS Amazing

7 YEARS AGO TODAY life took a very dramatic change of direction for Mike and me. From this vantage point it's gone by quickly, yet in another sense I feel every bit of it. Today as Mike and I were walking on the sidewalk I thought of all he had been through and yet here he was walking. I cannot imagine the amount of pain he has endured all of these years. He really is amazing. From the initial accident with all of his injuries to subsequent falls, a broken nose, multiple skin tears, breaking the same femur but a different location, multiple hospital stays, 3 different homes with me, plus the confinement of 4 different facilities. It amazes me how strong he remains and how he has the ability to persevere and work through the pain with a mind that cannot function properly. He is a strong man.

At this time of day seven years ago, I was sitting in a hospital waiting room with a few friends while Mike underwent emergency surgery. I had no idea how bad his injuries were or that 7 years later we would still be living with the effects. I am so glad that we only have to live one day at a time and that we do not know what the future holds. One day is doable and after making it through that one, the next comes and God's strength is sufficient for that one also. I remember thinking somewhere in the 2nd or 3rd year mark that I'd never be able to make it year after year and prayed God would work a miracle. I believe the miracle is learning that God is there second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, and as we focus on Him we continue to move. It may not always be forward, but we are moving and He is there to hold us, pick us up, carry us or pull us along and provide what is needed at the present time.  

During these 7 years, I have no idea what God and Mike have talked about, but I have talked with God a whole lot about a whole lot! I've cried, begged, pleaded, yelled, wept, been silent, questioned, thanked, praised, and rested with Him. I've also been challenged and grown in my understanding of who He is and who I am. I've learned how HUGE He is and how small I am. I've learned He is sovereign and His ways are always best and He doesn't have to explain anything to me. He doesn't owe me anything. I've come to love His word, the Bible, and the blinders are coming off more and more as I dig deeper and open my heart to hear what He has to say. I know that I can trust Him completely for He is in control, He is awesome, He is Sovereign, the Almighty One, He is HOLY and He loves fiercely. 

I do still feel sorry for my husband and long for him to be healed or home with his Lord, yet I will trust God's timing. He is God and I am not. I am thankful for what God has done in my life as a result of this trauma. I don't want to go back to who I was and how I believed 7 years ago. Growth has happened due to pain and that is a very good thing.

I also appreciate all of the prayers and support from our family and friends. You have been God's hands and feet to us and a huge part of our story. I love you all.

James 1:2-4 & 12

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, 

whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 

Let perseverance finish its work so that 

you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

For anyone who does not know what happened to Mike, here's what I wrote on CaringBridge the day after the trauma began:

https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mikerice

Site created on April 26, 2012

Wednesday afternoon, April 25, Mike went out to run as is his routine around 4:30pm. Evidently he ran in front of a woman as she was driving down the road and she could not avoid him. He was hit and rolled on the hood of her truck before striking the road. According to the policeman, she did some very quick thinking and turned to the right so that when he fell on the road she did not run over him. 

He is in critical condition. The injuries that they know of so far are: badly broken bones below the knee on both legs that were open wounds (the left suffered more soft tissue damage and is of more concern), broken right femur, broken left ribs, collapsed left lung, and there is bleeding on the brain. They believe he will not need brain surgery at this point - the blood should resolve or whatever you call it.  A bolt was put into his head to relieve the pressure and to monitor the pressure. He is intubated and has a chest tube but they are hopeful that he will be able to breath on his own very soon.  Because he is in such great physical condition, they are very hopeful for lots of things but kept telling me they can't guarantee anything, of course. There is the possibility of infection,  especially in his legs.

Last night after they got him stabilized, I was able to quickly go see him before they took him to surgery. He was taken into the OR around 7:30pm by the orthopedic surgeon to try to thoroughly cleanse the open wounds on his lower legs and put external devices on his legs with pins that go through the skin to the bone to set and stabilize the bones as much as possible.  This took approx. 2 hours and Mike came through it well. There are multiple fractures in both lower legs and he had lost a lot of blood.  If all goes well, later they will go in and place rods in his legs. 

He was put into an ICU room around 11pm and about 12:30pm I was able to go see him. Of course, right now he is in a drug induced coma and they plan to keep him that way for at least a couple of days.

Thanks so much for all the prayers!!  I know prayer warriors have been busy, because I felt such peace and calm throughout the afternoon and evening.

Our church family came out in force - you are wonderful West Fay. Baptist!!!  Thank you so much! I'll try to keep you posted. Love you all! Jennifer