The Wedding

I left for NC on Thursday, June 20th. I checked into the hotel, had a nice swim and then met Keegan, Amy, and her immediate family for supper in Cary. Afterwards, Keegan came back to the hotel with me and we sat outside and talked for a couple of hours before he left to pick Caleb up at the airport. He and Caleb enjoyed some one-on-one time Thursday night and stayed with a friend of Keegan's. Friday morning Caleb, Keegan, and I had breakfast at Panera Bread and then hit the stores to get the food items and supplies for the rehearsal dinner that night. It was lots of fun having some time with the two of them before all the festivities began and having help with the rehearsal dinner preparation kept me from getting overly anxious. We actually got a lot done that morning. Breakfast, rehearsal dinner shopping and prep, Caleb got a haircut, we went shopping for some clothes for him and a few other things and still got back to the hotel before family started arriving.

Rehearsal

We enjoyed a swim with everyone that afternoon and then headed to the park for the rehearsal. The weather was really great for June in NC. The humidity was low and it was a beautiful day. The pastor's wife, Barbara, did a fantastic job of getting everyone organized and running through the ceremony a couple times. Then we all enjoyed visiting and eating under the pavilion. Keegan had 2 best men, Caleb & David, and Amy had 2 Maids of Honor, Loren & Jess.  Caleb gave his toast on Friday night along with Loren. Then all the groomsmen took off for the bachelor party which was lazer tag and bumper cars. Sounds like they had a really fun time and completed the evening with the group gathering around Keegan to pray for him. Most of the guys spent the night at the same place, then Caleb and some of the guys fixed a big breakfast on Saturday morning before heading over to set up the Senior Center for the reception.

It rained lightly on Saturday morning, but just as Keegan, the pastor and best men walked out, the clouds gave way to very bright sunshine. We were actually glad when clouds came back over for most of the ceremony. It was a very meaningful, beautiful, simple ceremony in a lovely outdoor setting with lots of family and friends in attendance. Amy was radiant, Keegan beaming. It was hot, but could have been much worse for this time of year. Caleb escorted the 2 grandmothers and me into the wedding and he was to escort us all out also or so I thought. On the day of the wedding there was a surprise - Keegan came back and escorted me out. It was a very unexpected and pleasant surprise.

Amy looked gorgeous in her beautiful gown.

Mr. & Mrs. Keegan Rice!

We enjoyed good food, 2 more toasts to the newly weds, fun, laughter and dancing at the reception. Keegan and I had planned a special dance that was fun and carefree and gave everyone a laugh. Definitely not your traditional mother/son slow dance and I think we needed that break from tradition just now. From the rehearsal dinner to the bachelor party to the reception, there were no alcoholic beverages. It's a great testimony that people can have lots of fun without it. We saw Keegan and Amy off amid a car full of balloons and bubbles floating around in the air. Another great testimony to their wonderful church group is that less than half an hour after K&A left, chairs and tables were folded up, the floor swept and things packed away. I spoke with the parks & recreation man and he said he had never seen a group clean up so quickly and so well. It truly was a wonderful day from start to finish and now I have a wonderful daughter!

Our boys, Keegan & Caleb. Caleb always said
Keegan would probably get married first!

On Sunday, the Rice side of the family (minus K&A, of course) headed to the beach for a couple of days. It was really great to spend time with family just having fun in the waves, kayaking, playing bocce ball, board games and talking. Since Caleb lives in Arizona, I don't get to spend much time with him, so it was especially nice to have lots of time with him. On Sunday night, we did have a family conference to discuss Mike's situation and they were all eager to help me look for resources and facilities that might be of help in his recovery. Of course, throughout the weekend and beach trip, Mike was missed and there was an underlying sadness. It had really hit Keegan hard in the last few weeks that his Dad would not be able to be at his wedding. I had my moments throughout also, but am thankful I was able to enjoy this special event with Keegan, Amy, Caleb and most of the family.

Caleb and I enjoyed an early morning walk
 on the beach just before it rained.

God Makes a Way

The wedding weekend and family time was wonderful, but I will post a separate blog about that along with photos. First an update on Mike and his situation.

On Tuesday, as Caleb and I were driving, I received a call from Tom, the case manager at Tucker. He had found a place called Breezy Hill in the Harrisonburg, VA area and wanted to let me know someone would be calling me.  Doug called within minutes and after he received more information, he said their Blacksburg, VA facility sounded more appropriate for Mike at this time and he would have them contact me.  Wednesday morning I spoke with Sarah and we set up a time for her to come and see Mike on Friday at 10am. Neuro Restorative has been in business for 33 years and has residential homes in several states across America. The Blacksburg, VA location has 2 homes that can house 24 individuals with brain injury. Unlike the Va. Beach facility, they DO have a neuro-psychiatrist as part of their team and so are able to continue to work with Mike’s medication adjustments; otherwise, it is much the same. 24 hour supervision, very structured day, individualized therapy plan, private room and bathroom, OT, ST, PT & RT, as well as, cognitive therapy. After we met, Sarah, said nothing she had seen or heard or read about Mike scared them. They have worked with all of this before.  We are in a rush to get Mike placed, because insurance stopped paying for Mike last Friday. Neuro-Restorative (NR) is going to work on a plan of treatment and the financial part this weekend and hopefully we’ll be able to get Mike transferred to Blacksburg by Tuesday of this coming week.  I will transport him and will be looking for one or two people to ride with me. Will be a long day, have to go to Richmond, then Blacksburg, then home. Local folks, any volunteers?  J

According to the staff at Tucker, Mike has been lucid from about 8am – 12pm every day for about 8 or 9 days, and then begins to transition into the repeating and non-coherent phase. Unfortunately, he is on quite a bit of medication. The doctor tried adjusting one of the meds on Thursday, and instead of increasing the lucid periods, it decreased them. I had a wonderful visit with Mike on the Wednesday before the wedding.  He was calm and going through the phone book looking for landscaping jobs. His supper came while I was there and he ate slowly. I noticed he was losing weight so asked if they could give him more to eat or supplement his diet with Ensure and yogurt (his favorite).  Some days when I call, he won’t even come to the phone and yesterday when I was there, he was in the repeating phase and the nurse couldn’t even get him to come out to the visiting area. So it is still very up and down.

I really thank the Lord for the opportunity to get Mike into a brain injury facility where the staff is trained specifically to work with brain injury survivors, like Mike and will try to help him reach his highest potential. I believe this will give Mike the best possible chance at recovery and me a much needed respite where I am not constantly on the phone, internet, filling out forms, or worrying about how to take care of Mike. It is not a long-term solution due to the cost, but at least this will let us know if further recovery is possible. NR will also help with the transition back home, training me, looking for day programs, and other necessities when the time comes. I really need to learn how to handle the new normal. There is a class, Brain Injury Specialist, that I can take online through the Brain Injury Association of America that I would like to do also, so that I can understand all of this better and how to cope.  I am going to look into that after I have a real respite.

The drive to Blacksburg is about 3 hours from the farm. The good thing is that it is closer to Mike’s family than Virginia Beach would have been and visits are encouraged. Please pray for Mike’s transition to yet another new place and that we will see a marked improvement. I also hope that his medications can be reduced once he is receiving more therapy and instruction on how to handle his new brain and all the emotions and frustrations that come with it.

Thank you so much for your continued prayers, calls, notes and support. The Lord is answering in His time and His way.

His ways are not our ways

Isaiah 30:21

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, 

your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying,

"This is the way; walk in it."

The following is quoted from Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard and closely mirrors our path and my thoughts:

     "This path looked so wrong I could hardly believe it was the right one," and she (Much-Afraid) sobbed bitterly. 

     He (The Shepherd) lifted her up, supported her by his arm, and with his own hand wiped the tears from her cheeks, then said in his strong, cheery voice, "There is no question of your turning back, Much-Afraid. No one, not even your own shrinking heart, can pluck you out of my hand. Don't you remember what I told you before? 'This delay is not unto death but for the glory of God.' you haven't forgotten already the lesson you have been learning, have you?

     "It is no less true now that 'what I do thou knowest not now, but thou shalt know hereafter.' My sheep hear my voice, and they follow me. It is perfectly safe for you to go on in this way even though it looks so wrong, and now I give you another promise: Thine ears shall hear a word behind thee saying, 'This is the way, walk ye in it,' when ye turn to the right hand or to the left."

     He paused a moment, and she still leaned against him, speechless with thankfulness and relief at his presence. Then he went on. "Will you bear this too, Much-Afraid? Will you suffer yourself to lose or to be deprived of all that you have gained on this journey to the High Places? Will you go down this path of forgiveness into the Valley of Loss, just because it is the way that I have chosen for you? Will you still trust and still love me?"

   (a few pages later)  ...right down in the depths of her own heart she really had but one passionate desire, not for the things which the Shepherd had promised, but for himself. All she wanted was to be allowed to follow him forever.  Other desires might clamor strongly and fiercely nearer the surface of her nature, but she knew now that down in the core of her own being she was so shaped that nothing could fit, fill, or satisfy her heart but he himself. "Nothing else really matters," she said to herself, "only to love him and to do what he tells me. I don't know quite why it should be so, but it is. All the time it is suffering to love and sorrow to love, but it is lovely to love him in spite of this, and if I should cease to do so, I should cease to exist."

No, I did not hear an audible voice from my Shepherd, but paths I thought much more desirable for us have been closed. NRLC in Virginia Beach decided that what they could provide at this time, would not be beneficial to Mike until he is on a more even keel, with more lucid times than non-lucid. They did not want to just be "expensive sitters" and to really get medication adjusted properly could take a very long time, if that is the problem. I appreciate the fact that they realize their specialty is not what we need right now and weren't out just to get another client. They did suggest 2 neuro-psychiatrists in Richmond, that I could seek out after the wedding. One works with them, but they don't know if he is taking new patients, the other one is who we were originally going to see back in March, but is out-of-network with insurance so I had made a switch.  July starts a new year with insurance, so it may be a good time to switch again and go with Dr. O'Shanick or Dr. Ross, if they are accepting new patients.

After I had a good cry, I called to speak with Tom, the case manager at Tucker. I poured out my tale of woe, my fears, concerns, etc.  He assured me that Dr. Sommers was still trying to work with Mike and that they would not throw Mike out onto the street, even if insurance said they wouldn't pay anymore. We would incur the cost, but it would be less than what we would have paid in Va Beach and would only be for a few days, most likely. He has contacted Madison House, an assisted living facility in Richmond, and I have been in contact with Vista Park in Petersburg, as possible temporary placements for Mike while we figure out the next steps. Tom told me "Go to the wedding and don't worry. Mike will be safe and well taken care of here."  More tears and yet relief that Mike won't have to make a change right now, and I don't have to scurry around trying to get him somewhere right here before the wedding.  I've tried to call and speak with him, but he won't come to the phone lately. Visits are just sad, because he usually doesn't even seem to know I'm there. Tom said he was fairly lucid this morning and Dr. Sommers tried to get Mike's input as to what happens when he slips back into the broken record. Said Mike seemed to be aware of the repeating, but could not give any feedback as to why it happens or what he is feeling when it happens. Hopefully the extended stay will reap benefits for Mike in the long-term. 

I may try to contact Madison House and go visit it tomorrow when I go to see Mike. This was definitely not the path we were hoping for, but I am trusting that it is the path God wants us to take. We've done all we could and everything has been bathed in prayer from around the world. Like Much-Afraid, I will continue to love and follow my Shepherd even when, from my limited view, it seems all wrong.  I know that He loves Mike and me. I don't have to understand; just being in His presence is enough.

God's timing is definitely not our timing

Still no resolution of where Mike can go after leaving Tucker.  He does seem to be doing a bit better there, but still up and down.  Dr. Gualtieri is not in the office until tomorrow and I've left messages everywhere I can (I've learned to be a pest - not in my comfort zone, but...) Melissa and Patti from NRLC and I have been texting back and forth all day.  They really want to speak with Dr. G before making a final decision about whether or not they will take Mike. Medication is a big deal and I understand that they want to make sure they can handle this.  Every time I start to get overly anxious and feel like I'm about to have a panic attack, I try to get busy doing something not related to Mike's care and God sends some little flicker of hope, once again.  Another conference call is set up for Tuesday at 2pm with the NRLC staff and in Patti's opinion, "Sounds like it may work out!"  She's been the very optimistic one the entire time, so I'm proceeding with caution, but do feel that this is the direction the Lord is leading in through all the various circumstances. Plus, He just keeps providing that bit of a lift right when I feel like I'm about to go under. My prayers the last few days have mainly been "Please, God. Please God." I've also been praying that Mike's name would go around and around in the staff's head like a broken record and especially in Dr. Sutton's (who is on vacation) thoughts. Please join me!

My friend, Kris, gave me the book "Hinds Feet on High Places". I read it many years ago, but Wow! each time I've picked it up in the last few weeks, the character, Much-Afraid, seems to be saying what I've been feeling, going through what I'm going through, and the Shepherd is always within earshot and comes to her aid to strengthen her whenever she calls.  I'll share some portions with you later. Just another God-incident that I should be given and reading this book at this time. He orchestrates it all. Praise be to God!

I had the unexpected privilege of getting out of town this weekend with my brother, Hugh. We went to Northern Virginia to see my Sister, Gayle, and her husband, Tom. We all, plus my nephew, Paul, enjoyed a night out at Wolftrap and heard Bill Cosby. Sunday we had great fellowship and worship at their church, a delicious meal, and then Gayle and I rested, read and walked while the guys played golf.  It really was helpful to get away and enjoy family and other distractions, as well as, rest.

It's too much, Lord

Tom, the case manager at Tucker, Melissa, the NRLC social worker & her husband, Joe, and I all met at Tucker this afternoon. Joe and Melissa are very caring folks and both are involved with NRLC, I just can't remember their other titles - something like "service providers".  A nurse brought Mike in and he was not doing well. It's just more than my heart can bear. They had tried a new medicine yesterday and today he was drooling, rubbing his legs, and repeating "bring the letters".  The only thing he could do was write his name, but otherwise we were not able to distract him or get him to engage at all. This was clearly a medication-gone-wrong issue, again.

Due to this, no evaluation was able to take place other than the fact that in his current state, he would not be able to benefit from the program at NRLC.  It's way to expensive to have him not able to participate at all.  Melissa and Joe were wracking their brains to come up with some way to help us right now.  When we parted, they promised to talk with their medical director and see what options they could come up with or possible places that might take Mike just to regulate his medication. Obviously, this needs to be done slowly, and at Tucker he has been put on several different medications in the 10 days he's been there.  This is not good. Of course, insurance is pushing to get him out, so the doctor's feel pressure to do something quickly. However, it is backfiring and I feel like Mike is one big guinea pig.  I cannot imagine what he is going through and hate leaving him there, but now know my limitations.

Afterwards, I had to go to the lawyers office regarding Guardianship and then drove over to an area where Mike and I first lived as a married couple. I remembered a funny story. I came home from work one day and Mike had made brownies, my favorite.  He was so proud of himself and couldn't wait for me to taste them.  I was just as eager, but the first bite was sort of gumpy and tasted kind of weird. I took a second bite just to see if I could figure out what it was.  Mike is standing there grinning at me the entire time, munching away on one himself.  I asked, did you put something different in these brownies?  Pleased as a peacock, Mike says Yes! Bananas! Bananas and chocolate go great together, right?  It was too funny, he's always loved bananas, I can take 'em or leave 'em.  I remember we shared with the neighbors, who also thought they were weird, but it has always been a good story and made me smile today after the tough visit.  Keegan has encouraged me to think of past stories of Mike or our family together that make me smile or help me remember him as he was. It helps, because truly, the Mike I knew and loved, has not been with me for over a year and yet he is still here. It's a strange kind of grief. On the way home, I just told God it was too much, and He'd have to do something, because I was out of options and drained, not even knowing what to do now, and feeling so bad for Mike's current situation. It's awful.

Right after I got home tonight, I received a call from Melissa.  On the way back to Virginia Beach, she spoke with Dr. Voogt, the rehab PHD on staff with NRLC and Doug the program director, I think.  They want to try to work with us and help manage Mike's medication, even possibly try to take him off of everything, work with the fallout, and then restart. She said since Mike would probably not be able to participate in the therapies yet, they would reduce the price, while they just take care of him and adjust medication.  She asked that I contact Dr. Gualtieri, in NC to see if he would speak with their medical director in order to give some background on Mike's situation and for me to send them a list of medication and when I think Mike was doing better and what he was on.  I had gathered medication lists a few weeks ago, so will work on getting that faxed to her tomorrow.  God still gives hope.

"When I think I'm going under, part the waters, Lord. 

When I feel the waves around me, calm the sea. 

When I cry for help, O hear me Lord, and hold out Your hand. 

Touch my life, still the raging storm in me." 

A line from one of the Selah's albums "Part the Waters, Lord"

 which moves on into "I Need Thee Every Hour" 

Oh how I need, Jesus, every hour, minute, second, millisecond.

"Oh bless me now, my Savior, I come to thee."

Conference and Evaluation

Everyone please pray.  Am meeting 2 people from Neuro-Rehabilitation Living Center in Virginia Beach at Tucker Pavilion in Richmond this afternoon at 2pm.  They will do a brief evaluation of Mike and determine if they think their program is a good fit for him. So far it sounds good, just had a 45 minute conference call with them and the social worker at TP.  They have not balked at any of the information given so far  -  repeating, pacing, incontinence, walking out, resistance, etc. and really seem to want to work with Mike, have the know-how and programs in place, take into account what he likes and would like to do, etc.  

Mike has remained much the same at TP as he was at home.  Some lucid/clear times and then irrational times.  If all goes well, we are looking at discharge from TP and taking him down to NRLC on Monday.  They sound like a really great group of folks.  A couple of them have been on short-term mission trips also.  Said there is a church just a mile down the road where they take their clients who want to go to church.  They keep them busy throughout the day, go to the gym, physical, occupational, and speech therapy. Consults with neuro-psychiatrist, neurologist. Have a rehab physician on staff, as well as, a social worker, nurse, and more.  I'm excited about this opportunity for Mike and the respite for me!  Then we'll have to pray for the what-comes-after these 2 or 3 months.  (After some respite.)

I really needed these verses this morning, actually have needed them the past couple of weeks.

Philippians 4:4-7

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. 

The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, 

with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all 

understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds, in Christ Jesus.

These lines from the Big Daddy Weave song

"Without You" are so true - I cannot live without You, JESUS!

Chorus: "And the sun doesn't shine, and my world stops spinnin' round, Without You

Tell me where else could I ever find the peace that floods this heart of mine, Without You.

Who could fill the emptiness inside, Who would ease the pain in my broken heart

Who would come in and abide, promise never to depart, Without You

I can't live without You, I don't want to try to, Live one more moment  without You!

God will make a way

Last night I prayed and asked God to PLEASE give me some word or direction on how to proceed for Mike’s care. This morning I received a call that was the answer to that prayer. After days of searching the internet, talking with various facilities, family, friends, Mike’s case manager & health coach, a lawyer, BIAV, nurses, etc.,  it looked like I was just going to have to place Mike in a dementia unit at a residential facility. I was not at peace with this and often waves of stress and grief threaten to engulf me. Now I think we are finally headed in the right direction.  Due to the generosity and encouragement of family, we are pursuing the Neuro Rehabilitation Living Center in Virginia Beach, VA for approximately 3 months.  You can check it out online for more information at nrlcenters.com.  This is a small 12 bed facility that specializes in brain injury rehab. It is much like Tree of Life in Richmond, but seems more personal and flexible. Mike will have to be evaluated prior to their agreeing to take him, so please pray that if this is the direction the Lord wants us to go in, all will go smoothly and quickly. He may be able to be evaluated as early as Wednesday. Representatives from NRLC will go to Tucker to evaluate him.

I speak with a nurse every day to see how Mike is doing. Although he is on more medication, it sounds like he is much the same. Repeating phrases, walking a lot, and hard to distract. I am going to see him today for the first time since he went in a week ago. I have spoken with him once, but it just made him more agitated, because he wanted to come home. Right now I just cannot bring him home, but I am much encouraged with this option. I think if anyone can help Mike, it will be one of these Neuro-specific facilities. We will hope for great improvement, but if it doesn’t happen, at least we’ll know we’ve done the best we can for him.

I appreciate your prayers so much. Mike and I both need them. Blessings to you all. Love, Jennifer

Another Adventure

Did I mention that we never just take trips, Only Adventures?  Well, the adventures continue.  That new direction I spoke about last time, is most likely not the direction we will be taking. At least not right now.  The cost at all three of the brain injury specific facilities I have spoken with is extremely high. After being evaluated, the cost could range from $350 - $950 per DAY and a short term stay would be 2-6 months.  So I continue to look along with the help of others who have volunteered their time and effort.

Sadly, Mike is back at Tucker Pavilion.  We had another ER experience on Saturday after an out-of-control episode in the car. No wreck or anyone hurt, but had to go to the ER in order to get Mike calmed down. I am very thankful for all of the very understanding Police, Sheriff, and EMS workers who came up with creative solutions and made a very tense situation much less traumatic.

Sunday, I had a bit of a melt down, and just knew I couldn't take care of Mike one more day. My niece, Coley, drove us to TP on Monday around 3pm and about midnight, Mike was admitted.  We are working with his Primary Care Physician, the Case Manager at TP, Brain Injury Association of Virginia, searching the internet, and making phone calls. My desire is to get Mike into a facility with a progressive mind-set, not just a maintain mind-set.

The feelings of guilt and should of/could of were incredibly strong Monday night and yesterday. I went and spoke with Mom and Dad's pastor in the afternoon, and that was very therapeutic. Even though I have made mistakes and there is more I could have or should have done, I have tried to take care of Mike and keep him at home, but I'm too worn down to do a good job with him now. I need to let go and give myself some time to rest and recover some sort of normalcy.

Please pray that God will lead us to a facility that will be appropriate for Mike. Please also pray that I can be at peace and give myself some grace. Friday I have an appointment with a lawyer to start the process of getting Guardianship. This is necessary when someone is not competent to speak for themselves. Power of Attorney is not enough in regard to mental health issues. Please, please pray for Mike. When he has his lucid moments, he does not remember any of the rough episodes, so doesn't understand that there is a problem or why he is at Tucker. This is so tough. There is still hope that he will continue to recover and this is only a phase; however, there is also the possibility that he won't get better or may become worse. I am having to come to accept this and know I cannot continue as we have been for the past few months. It is too demoralizing and at this point not good for Mike or me.

This has been especially hard right now, because our youngest son is getting married on June 22, and I've had to decide that it's probably best if Mike is not there. We never know what might trigger an aggressive or out-of-control episode.  Change, over-excitement, food, crowds, loud music, hotel, lots of strangers, etc. are not a good combination for a TBI survivor at this stage of recovery. Please pray for us all, this is such an exciting & joyful time and yet an incredibly sad time also.

Psalm 145

1. I will exalt you, my god the King; I will praise your name for ever and ever.

2. Every day I will praise you and extol your name for ever and ever.

3. Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom.

9. The Lord is good to all; He has compassion on all He has made.

13. Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations.

The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all he has made.

14. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.

16. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

17. The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made.

18. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.

19. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.

20. The Lord watches over all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy.

21. My mouth will speak in praise of the Lord. 

Let every creature praise his holy name for ever and ever.

ALL, that means no one is left out. I will take Him at His word and trust Him.