His ways are not our ways

Isaiah 30:21

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, 

your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying,

"This is the way; walk in it."

The following is quoted from Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard and closely mirrors our path and my thoughts:

     "This path looked so wrong I could hardly believe it was the right one," and she (Much-Afraid) sobbed bitterly. 

     He (The Shepherd) lifted her up, supported her by his arm, and with his own hand wiped the tears from her cheeks, then said in his strong, cheery voice, "There is no question of your turning back, Much-Afraid. No one, not even your own shrinking heart, can pluck you out of my hand. Don't you remember what I told you before? 'This delay is not unto death but for the glory of God.' you haven't forgotten already the lesson you have been learning, have you?

     "It is no less true now that 'what I do thou knowest not now, but thou shalt know hereafter.' My sheep hear my voice, and they follow me. It is perfectly safe for you to go on in this way even though it looks so wrong, and now I give you another promise: Thine ears shall hear a word behind thee saying, 'This is the way, walk ye in it,' when ye turn to the right hand or to the left."

     He paused a moment, and she still leaned against him, speechless with thankfulness and relief at his presence. Then he went on. "Will you bear this too, Much-Afraid? Will you suffer yourself to lose or to be deprived of all that you have gained on this journey to the High Places? Will you go down this path of forgiveness into the Valley of Loss, just because it is the way that I have chosen for you? Will you still trust and still love me?"

   (a few pages later)  ...right down in the depths of her own heart she really had but one passionate desire, not for the things which the Shepherd had promised, but for himself. All she wanted was to be allowed to follow him forever.  Other desires might clamor strongly and fiercely nearer the surface of her nature, but she knew now that down in the core of her own being she was so shaped that nothing could fit, fill, or satisfy her heart but he himself. "Nothing else really matters," she said to herself, "only to love him and to do what he tells me. I don't know quite why it should be so, but it is. All the time it is suffering to love and sorrow to love, but it is lovely to love him in spite of this, and if I should cease to do so, I should cease to exist."

No, I did not hear an audible voice from my Shepherd, but paths I thought much more desirable for us have been closed. NRLC in Virginia Beach decided that what they could provide at this time, would not be beneficial to Mike until he is on a more even keel, with more lucid times than non-lucid. They did not want to just be "expensive sitters" and to really get medication adjusted properly could take a very long time, if that is the problem. I appreciate the fact that they realize their specialty is not what we need right now and weren't out just to get another client. They did suggest 2 neuro-psychiatrists in Richmond, that I could seek out after the wedding. One works with them, but they don't know if he is taking new patients, the other one is who we were originally going to see back in March, but is out-of-network with insurance so I had made a switch.  July starts a new year with insurance, so it may be a good time to switch again and go with Dr. O'Shanick or Dr. Ross, if they are accepting new patients.

After I had a good cry, I called to speak with Tom, the case manager at Tucker. I poured out my tale of woe, my fears, concerns, etc.  He assured me that Dr. Sommers was still trying to work with Mike and that they would not throw Mike out onto the street, even if insurance said they wouldn't pay anymore. We would incur the cost, but it would be less than what we would have paid in Va Beach and would only be for a few days, most likely. He has contacted Madison House, an assisted living facility in Richmond, and I have been in contact with Vista Park in Petersburg, as possible temporary placements for Mike while we figure out the next steps. Tom told me "Go to the wedding and don't worry. Mike will be safe and well taken care of here."  More tears and yet relief that Mike won't have to make a change right now, and I don't have to scurry around trying to get him somewhere right here before the wedding.  I've tried to call and speak with him, but he won't come to the phone lately. Visits are just sad, because he usually doesn't even seem to know I'm there. Tom said he was fairly lucid this morning and Dr. Sommers tried to get Mike's input as to what happens when he slips back into the broken record. Said Mike seemed to be aware of the repeating, but could not give any feedback as to why it happens or what he is feeling when it happens. Hopefully the extended stay will reap benefits for Mike in the long-term. 

I may try to contact Madison House and go visit it tomorrow when I go to see Mike. This was definitely not the path we were hoping for, but I am trusting that it is the path God wants us to take. We've done all we could and everything has been bathed in prayer from around the world. Like Much-Afraid, I will continue to love and follow my Shepherd even when, from my limited view, it seems all wrong.  I know that He loves Mike and me. I don't have to understand; just being in His presence is enough.