New Direction

Well, the Ritalin was a no go.  There was a definite increase in the anxiety so Friday was rough and another drug tossed out.  Thursday afternoon was great. We visited a possible residential home and Mike stayed calm the entire time. He just said he didn't want to live with old people, and I don't blame him.  I would have a hard time putting him there for long term. There's no incentive to get better. The people seemed well cared for and comfortable, but very sedate, fragile, and old.

Sunday we had a very bad episode of out-of-control behavior and aggression to the point that I was afraid and called 911.  Mike was taken to an area hospital and long-story-short, he was observed, evaluated, determined that he needed to be admitted, no beds available, became anxious/agitated, was given a shot of Ativan, became calm, VERY lucid, and was released home with a small prescription of Ativan.  Today he has done so well and for the most part been cooperative, helpful, sweet, communicative, fun, NOT repeating (YAY! YAY! YAY!!!) He and Chris even went fishing.  If only we could keep this going, it would be wonderful.  However, I just read about Ativan, and see it is only used for the short-term, is highly addictive and after only a few days, can have the adverse effect.  So it is not the cure-all.

This morning, I went on-line to research other options for Mike, and actually went back to a brain injury specialist in the Richmond area that comes highly recommended by the Brain Injury Association of Virginia. I had spoken with Dr. Zasler before Mike and I moved here, but at the time went a different direction because he does not take insurance (or is out-of-network) so is more expensive.  After all the drama and chaos, checking into various other options and coming to dead-ends, today I e-mailed Dr. Zasler a brief description of what's been going on and have already received a response. He said to call his office and see if we can get him in. Praise God!!  Dr. Zasler is connected with or runs a residential facility called Tree of Life which specializes in brain injury. My hope is that Mike will be able to go there for a while, be evaluated, get medication adjusted, therapy, and whatever else he needs. Who knows, maybe they even have therapy sessions for spouses and family members. I know I need it. I am very thankful and blessed by the willingness of family members and friends who have offered financial assistance, if necessary, also.  Please pray. I am really hoping that this is God's will for us and we will be able to get in to see Dr. Zasler this week.

Happy Memorial Day!  I am so thankful for all the men and women past and present who have fought and given their lives so that we can enjoy the freedoms we have. We were invited to a very impromptu cookout tonight and had a wonderful time. Mike was doing so well, conversing with everyone, helping serve, carrying food to the table, we even played the corn hole game. After supper, we took a walk around "the track". Such a lovey tree covered path that I felt like we had entered another world, like walking into Narnia or something. The wonderful fragrance of honeysuckle lingering in the air and perfect coolness, birds chirping, walking hand-in-hand with a quiet Mike, ahhhh....

Come, walk with me.

I Peter 2:21

To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, 

leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.

Dim

The emotional swings from high to low and back again are exhausting. Mike did great on Sunday at  Sunday school, church, and lunch, then took a nap and woke up zinging. The repeating has been so bad the last 3 days that I’m about to go crazy!

Monday morning he was awful with Kallyn, who arrived early so that Mom and I could spend the day in Richmond, looking for a mother-of-the-groom dress. He was pushing, repeating, and grabbing. It took both of us to get him dressed and then I decided to just let him walk it off upstairs since he wouldn’t come down or calm down.  When left alone, he started throwing things down the stairs, including his iPad – a royal temper tantrum, in my opinion. Thankfully, the iPad just kept right on playing. After Mom and I left, he threw things outside and while Kallyn was going to pick them up, he locked her out of the house.  He is smart and obviously knows what he’s doing to some degree, because he ran around to the front door and locked that before she could get there. Today I was with him the entire day, and other than first thing this morning, and last thing tonight when he was repeating, he has done very well. However, I CANNOT be with him 24/7, especially when he doesn’t want/can't do anything productive and if I talk to anyone or try to do something the repeating starts. 

We had an appointment with Dr. Silver and Mike was fairly clear. Asking why we were there and saying he was tall enough to drive and could see fine. ????  Dr. Silver prescribed Ritalin to try to help Mike focus and cut down on the repeating.  However, there is an issue that the pharmacy has to clear with the doctor and so I couldn’t get the prescription tonight.  This could make things better or worse. Am not really looking forward to trying yet another medicine.

A family friend, is trying to be an advocate for us, and I am so appreciative.  He is looking into various facilities and programs and talking to lots of folks. Tracey has brought me information on some residential places and we have an appointment at 2pm tomorrow at one of those.  At the very least, I hope to get Mike somewhere for a month or so for respite, but am actually thinking he may have to go live somewhere.  I just cannot keep this up. Tracey also told me about a retreat center that I hope to go to as soon as I can find somewhere for Mike to go. Solitude and silence are greatly coveted by me right now.

Isaiah 30:15

This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.”

Burning Brighter

Psalm 34:8

Taste and see that the LORD is good;

blessed is the one who takes refuge in HIM.

Day 3 of No-Psych-Medication Experiment

While the days have not been without some chaos, the chaos that has occurred has been less frantic, wild-eyed, or frenzied. Plus, Mike is more easily distracted or calmed in order to focus on a task or activity. The repeating has also diminished, except when he is agitated or upset. Mornings are still usually a bit chaotic and then he progresses to more clarity and direction as the day goes on.  

I am so thrilled with this outcome.  Now that I have a medication that helps to calm his anxiety and agitation, but is mild enough to let him think and stay awake, it seems evident that the ZyPrexa and Risperdal aren't needed, were inhibiting his cognition, and were actually causing some of the out-of-control behavior.  Don't get me wrong, we've still had some out-of-control agitation and anxiety, but less intense.  

HUGE PRAISES! 

A young man came looking for work on the farm last week, and Hugh doesn't need anyone right now. When he came, I was trying to get the lawn mower started and he hung around and helped me get it going.  On Friday, I decided to call him and see if he might like some work by helping with Mike until he finds a full-time job. He came yesterday at 9:30 and although Mike was pacing and being non-cooperative at the time, within about 30 minutes, Chris, had helped him get his shoes on and they went out walking. Later we all swept out the calf barn and cleaned the waterers, then he and Mike played Wii, pulled weeds and generally got along really well. Praise God!! 

I received an e-mail from Camp Va. Jaycee and Mike has been enrolled in camp for 2 weeks the end of July!!!  I was so shocked and pleased to get a reply so quickly and to get a favorable response. Hopefully this will be a really great time for him. He was so clear this afternoon, that he may be helping them with camp by that time!

Today was Mike's evaluation for beginning Occupational Therapy.  He did really well this morning, quiet, ate breakfast well, helped me gather Kale from the garden, then sat and rocked on the front porch while I did some work.  We headed over to Richmond, stopped at McDonalds, and then on over to the hospital where he would have therapy. On the way to therapy, he became very agitated because I hadn't let him finish the cup of lemonade.  (My reasoning was he had drunk an entire glass of water and gatorade and half of the lemonade and I didn't want an accident during therapy.) Realizing that I had just given him his lunchtime pills, I then tried to go on and give him the lemonade, but it was too late. The repeating and anxiety had set in.  Thankfully we arrived safely at the hospital, tried to go to the bathroom, but too agitated.  Went on up to therapy, and now he's more upset, I realize he might be thinking that I'm admitting him, so I try to alleviate that anxiety and the receptionist is trying to support me any way she can.  We finally get signed in (thankfully they had mailed the paperwork so it was already completed) and then we walked around and around until Ann, OT, was ready.  Once we walked into the therapy room and we both assured him that he was only there for therapy he started to calm down and did fantastic!  He answered her questions, followed her instructions, performed the dexterity tests and then continued to work with the objects while she talked with me. Not upset at all or repeating.

After therapy, we went to the grocery store and stopped at Hickory Knoll Nursery on Rt. 153 (gorgeous flowers/great folks-locals-go there!) where I had bought flowers. The owners are very kind and strong Christians who have been praying for us and since Mike was doing so well, we stopped so they could all meet. Cindy even prayed over Mike before we left. At home, Mike did terrific all evening. Talked at supper, helped clear the table, mostly showered and dressed himself, was a pleasure to be with, and no struggles WHATSOEVER!!!  WOO HOO!!!  PRAISE YOU, JESUS!!!

Garden - harvesting Kale, mixed lettuce, and picked our first strawberries this morning - all 3 of them :-)

Hens - 13 eggs today - the number keeps rising.

God is Awesome.

Hope continues to flicker

Psalm 10:17 (NLT)

Lord you know the hopes of the helpless.

Surely you will hear their cries and comfort them.

Something in me snapped last night. After not receiving any advice from either doctor in Richmond regarding medication (after repeated phone calls), 3 difficult episodes over the last 2 days, and just generally feeling helpless, I snapped. In a good way, mostly.  Since I couldn't really calm Mike down last night, I just looked him in the eyes and started praying out loud for his healing, for God to calm him & me, for God's mercy, for God's wisdom regarding medicine and possibly a residential placement.  I just let Mike pace, etc. and sat down at my desk determined to get organized and make a list of places to call and papers to fill out, trying to ignore Mike's perseverating.  Something had to be done, and I've been in too much of a fog to do it or to do enough. 

Also, for months I have thought that what I call the "psych" medication (Risperdal and now ZyPrexa) might have been causing more problems than helping and that we needed something to calm the anxiety more than anything.  I know for a fact, that the incontinence came along with the Risperdal.  I have that written down in some of my notes back in October. Our weekend went fairly well, Mike did well on Saturday. We drove to NC in the afternoon to attend Amy's graduation. I gave Mike all the medication I was allowed and he really did quite well in the afternoon and evening.  Sunday morning we had a rough episode and Sunday afternoon a very rough episode. Same medications as day before. No even keel. One of our struggles last night was that Mike spit out some of his medication, I think the ZyPrexa was one of them, so figured I'd see how it went.  He got up twice and went to the bathroom on his own. I prayed and prayed last night for wisdom about the ZyPrexa today. Since I now have Atarax for calming, and because he did so well last night, I took that as a sign from God and left off the ZyPrexa today.  The day went much better.  We had one episode of agitation, but I believe that was due to a weed-eater and chain saw going at the same time along with tractors, etc. So I push/walked him back to the back of the property away from all the noises.  Plus this agitation was not the frantic/wildness of other times. He was more communicative, could follow instructions most of the time, was cooperative about bathroom necessities and did some of his showering himself, plus brushed his teeth better than he has in months.  He also didn't jump up out of his seat at the table like he's been doing.  Tomorrow may be very different, but I am going to hold on to Hope that it will be the same or better than today.

I also received a few return phone calls today (not from the doctors).  I did get some information about a day program in Petersburg, spoke with a lady from one of the residential/respite places where Tracey had stopped and brought information, have a guy coming to hang out with Mike tomorrow to see if he would be interested in helping with him, filled out paperwork for Occupational therapy and completed an application for Camp Va. Jaycee.  The Brain Injury camp turned Mike down since he had so recently had a medication change and their camp is May 19, so I had become discouraged and since Mike had been at Tucker, decided there was no use in applying. That "snap" last night changed my mind and I decided it didn't hurt to try. Am applying for a July 21 camp.  

BTW some updates.  I keep forgetting to tell you that the wound on his buttocks is completely closed - has been for about a month now. Praise God!!  About the same time, I got a shot in my wrist for carpel tunnel and it has made a huge difference. Especially with all this gardening! My pain in my lower abdomen has gone. Mike's Mom is home and doing well. As far as I know, our friend's daughter who is pregnant with twins and on bed rest, is still doing well - all 3 of them.

We are so proud of Amy and Keegan. Amy, Keegan's fiance', graduated cum laude in Biomedical Engineering from NCSU. It was such a privilege to be able to join her, Keegan, Amy's parents and grandparents for her graduation and share a couple of meals together. Then Sunday, Keegan gave a great teaching sermon at his church.  I am so thankful we were able to be there for both events and enjoy time with them.

"Ask her"

Wednesday Mike had an appointment with a LCSW to do a pre-assessment before seeing the doctor that will be his out-patient psychiatrist. We had to fill out the usual forms, plus one that asked "How do you feel?" "How is your family?" etc. The scale was from a frowning face (1) to a smiling face (5). (We had a harder one at first, but when the receptionist heard us going through it, she brought us the easier one.) Mike was fairly lucid that morning, and went through the 5 or 6 questions and circled 5 for each one. Everything is fine. When we went in with the therapist, she started off by asking Mike basic information. Then she said, "So why are you here today? How can I help you?"  Like a hitchhiker, Mike flung out his thumb towards me and with a look of utter exasperation, annoyance, and shrug of shoulders said "Ask her!"  It was clear that he thought everything was just hunky dory, but evidently I had some issues. LOL! He really did very well for the first 20 minutes or so, but then became stuck on wanting to get a job and began to get frantic and pacing. We had to cut the interview short and then we spent the next 30-40 minutes walking around outside until he calmed down enough to get into the car.

Thursday, we worked outside and he did very well. Not communicating or repeating, but able to do some work and stick to the task. Londa came in the afternoon to hang out with him and he should have been very tired and ready to sit, but no.  I was cutting grass on the zero-turn mower (so much fun to drive) and then I heard Mike behind me, he was chasing me. I just let him follow for a while, but then he was getting too close. Londa tried to distract him and take him in the golf cart, but he became wild.  Hugh couldn't contain him either and he ended up running and falling. He skinned up his knees, hand, a small scrape on his shoulder and head.  We just had to let him walk/run it off until I could get some medicine in him and eventually Londa was able to get him in the house and clean up his wounds.  He remained mostly calm the rest of the afternoon and went to bed early.  After he was in bed, I went for a nice cool evening walk with Tracey and the dogs. Realization is starting to sink in that I cannot provide what Mike needs here at home. We never know what is going to set him off, days are not routine and the same. He wasn't happy in the apartment, he isn't happy here, and I think he blames me for not being able to go out and work. He complained the other day that I was "keeping" him here.

Some thoughts: Maybe he was more lucid at Tucker because it was very routine and there were very few distractions and stimulation or like before, he does well for a few days and then right back to up and down.  Today he was really repeating and pacing a lot, didn't want/couldn't work so I just let him walk and talk while I weeded. Gave him extra medicine when he began to get too frantic and the rest of the day was fairly peaceful. This afternoon he helped me with the weeding.  A funny...Mike: "I pulled up a flower." Me: "That's OK, just get out the grass and weeds and then put the flower back."  A few seconds later I look over and he's pulling up another flower!  Oh dear. He means well.

Top one is a pretty pale green.
See how huge the one below it is?

The hens laid 8 eggs yesterday and today! It's so exciting to go to the nesting boxes and find them. Even saw one lay hers yesterday! I'm like a kid looking for Easter eggs. Our vegetable garden looks great, Mike and I got the flower garden mostly weeded, and Dad and I finished putting up the irrigation pipe for the hanging baskets.  That was funny too. We turned on the water and water was coming out all over the place.  A few kinks to work out, but we'll get it.  My precious Mom, always keeping the laundry going and good food to eat.

These verses stuck out to me this morning:
Mark 4:39-41
He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!"

I feel like I have a storm inside me. Swirling thoughts of decisions and possibilities. Physically not feeling very good - sick, stress, both? Fragmented thoughts. Tired, weary of body, mind, spirit, emotions. Jesus please calm this storm in me. He is in control, He will make a way, I want to know and do His will. "Quiet! Be still!" I need to hear Jesus.

My 53rd Birthday

Thanks for praying.  I was being whiny and feeling sorry for myself the past couple of days. Bad shift in focus. Today I feel better and after a rough start, we actually had a good day. My brother fixed a delicious meal and invited us all over.  Mom made my favorite dessert - brownies with walnuts, Erin made a fresh greens and fruit salad, and Hugh and Tracey gave me a dozen pink roses.  I had a bookoodle well wishes on facebook, Keegan called tonight, and I did indeed have a happy birthday.  We are enjoying the funny hens. They are all still here and seem quite happy. Coley brought in 2 eggs and one of them was huge.  I think that hen had been holding out!



Isaiah 26:3&4 "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal."

I don't feel good

I haven't felt very good since Saturday night so went to see a Dr. today.  Not sure what is going on, but due to abdominal pain and other issues, she gave me an antibiotic and warned me to call them if symptoms changed or get to the ER if the pain localized around my appendix. 

Not much good news about Mike either.  Have not seen the clarity that was there last week and I am so worn out and distraught. Appreciate your prayers for him and me.  Thanks.

Proverbs 13:12

7:45 am - Mike still sleeping.

OK, more information.

Thursday, May 2, spoke with Dr. Sommers and Tom Watkins the case manager/social worker. Dr. Sommers said throughout the course of the week, he had ascertained that Mike was quite sensitive to the psych medication and that it disinhibited him. So he decided to try a mild medication that he uses with children called Vistaril or Atarax or hydroxyzine. This is a sedating antihistamine. Look it up, the different uses are quite interesting. Dr. Sommers started Mike on that on Wednesday along with a small dosage of the psych medication, ZyPrexa, and he is still taking the Neurontin. Wednesday went very well. Thursday I spoke with Mike twice during the day and he was so clear and MUCH calmer.  Dr. Sommers felt that some of the remaining anxiety was probably due to the environment and being cooped up, but wanted me to come visit Thursday night and see if I was comfortable bringing him home on Friday.

My cousin, PJ, was available to ride with me that night, so we enjoyed visiting with each other and then had a really great visit with Mike. He started out a bit agitated and antsy, but as we asked questions and started telling him different things, he calmed down and then started asking his own questions.  I told him about Keegan’s new job, car, and move to Charlotte and when I was done, he asked me to repeat what I had said.  When I did, he was really concentrating and would repeat some of the things I said.  Later, he was able to tell us the information.  PJ told him about her job and he would recall some of that information also. We were sitting on either side of him and started pressing his fingers flat while stretching his wrists backwards and he would sit there, eyes closed, listening to us talk and seemingly really enjoying having us work on his hands. He might get a little antsy and we’d stop, but in a few minutes, he’d stick his hands back out and relax again. We were there for probably 1 ½ hours and both came away amazed. God is so good!

Sometimes it is good to take a risk, move, switch doctors, and get new perspectives. I have no doubt in my mind that God has orchestrated all of the above. I am so thankful for Dr. Sommers’ “attacking” the problem, getting to the root of the issue, and going right on and trying different medications. I also don’t believe it was an accident that Dr. Sommers was Mike’s psychiatrist while in the hospital. I learned from some very dear friends, who know Dr. Sommers, that he is a believer in Jesus and a wonderful person. He is not in private practice so cannot be Mike’s psychiatrist now that he is out of the hospital, but I know God orchestrated having him there for us and gave him the wisdom to know what to do. Our God is AWESOME!

I am also very thankful for the 10 day respite that God gave me.  It is the longest period of rest I’ve had since April 25, 2012 and I sorely needed it.  I probably should have done some other things, but I spent a lot of time planting, weeding, working with my Dad, organizing, cleaning out refrigerators, and basically doing what I wanted to do. PLUS, I was able to spend more time in God’s word and in fellowship with Him and not feeling totally distracted. Spending relaxed and quiet time with the Lord really energized and renewed me.

10:55pm

Proverbs 13:12a “Hope deferred makes the heart sick…”

That verse should tell you a lot.  The Mike we saw yesterday was only visible for about 2 hours after breakfast this morning.  Heavy sigh… There was lots of pacing and repeating. I was unable to distract him or engage him in anything else either. After he finished his lunch, he abruptly got up from the table and said he was going to his room. He went into the laundry room and sat down at the table there with his chin on his hands.  When I finished eating, he said he wanted to go to bed so I let him take a nap, a long nap, while I helped Daddy with the nesting boxes for the chickens.  Maybe that was the mistake.  When I got him up, the old struggles began.  I was given an extra prescription of ZyPrexa to use in cases of high agitation and had to resort to giving it to him after about 20 minutes of trying to work with him.  He sat for a little while this evening and watched the Kentucky Derby, but otherwise was repeating, repeating, repeating. 

Proverbs 13:12b “…but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”  Am heartsick tonight, but still hoping for that tree of life.

WOW!

So....brought Mike home this afternoon and the best word to describe the difference is WOW! Thank you, Jesus!! He is communicating, wants to start running again, wants to look for a job, is very polite, went upstairs and changed his shoes by himself, sat down and looked at our mail and then promptly wrote a return letter to his friend, Scot, ate slowly....Wow!  He still needed help with his shower and I'm not sure about the other bathroom stuff yet, but hopeful. Tonight he went to bed at 10pm.

He wanted to go run while I went to Wal-Mart to get his prescriptions, but I wasn't ready to let him do that by himself. I encouraged him to just jog around a bit and then we'd go to Wal-Mart.  He tried. Was having trouble picking up his feet and so stumbled a few times.  He trotted around for about 10 minutes or less and was struggling, so then we went to Wal-Mart.  On the way he said: "that was a very short jog". Pray for him as realization sinks in that he just can't do what he used to do....yet.

He had great conversations with Keegan and with his sister, Lynn. After talking with Mike, the first word (to me) out of each of their mouths was "Wow!"  Keegan was even speechless! (for those who know Keegan..... :-)) I praise God for Dr. Sommers, Tom the case manager, Connor the Medical Tech, Heidi, RN, and all the others. Anyway, much more I could say but it's late and I'm tired. Will try to give more information another day.

However, I DO have to tell you what my niece, Coley, and I did today.  One of our relatives wanted to get rid of her 21 laying hens, and Coley and I were interested in getting them.  So this morning, dog crates in tow, we chased around and caught chickens!  It was so much fun!  They were in a chicken house so fairly confined, but there was dust, feathers, squawking, laughter, flapping and general chaos in the hen house for a while. They are not dumb creatures. Now we need to read up on how to take care of them!  Dad is working on making nesting spots for them and I am praying nothing gets them tonight.  They've done really well in the area Coley fixed up for them in the calf barn and were finding places to roost tonight.  They definitely have different personalities too.  One gray one is rather feisty and Coley has already dubbed her "Spitfire".  We have gray, black, white, red, and black/brown ones.  Is an experiment and I hope it works. Too fun! G'night.

Our beautiful ladies. Even collected one egg tonight.

Buoyed on the wings of Prayer

Peaceful and at rest under God's wings. 

Psalm 91:4

 "He will cover you with his feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge;

His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."

Thank you for your faithfulness in praying for us and for all the encouraging notes, calls, and texts the past few days. Today I have felt such a peace, calmness, and sense of rest with freedom from guilt and worry. In my time with the Lord, one of the devotionals spoke about the ups and downs in life and the importance of keeping our focus "up" on the Lord.  It is so easy to get side-tracked and weighed down with the difficulties and sadness that comes our way, but when we keep our focus on Jesus, and allow Him to carry our burden, then the way is light. He will make a way. I am trusting Him for that and trusting Him to help me keep my focus on Him with a big spotlight. Otherwise, the problems, tough decisions, and sadness take center stage. I am so in love with my precious Savior and could never do any of this without Him.  I think I've shared this song before, but it is on my mind and heart again tonight.  This is who He is to me right now.

Sweet Jesus

by Selah

Sweet Jesus, my Savior You are my faithful friend

You made me, You know me, You see my every sin

And my soul is amazed by this gift of Your grace

And these arms that take me in

Sweet Jesus, my Savior, You are my faithful friend

Sweet Jesus, my shelter, You are my faithful friend

The refuge that I run to when my world comes closing in

Why should I be afraid when I know I am saved

By the arms that take me in

Sweet Jesus, my shelter, you are my faithful friend, oh yeah

Sweet Jesus, my shepherd, You are my faithful friend

You hold me, You lead me, I'll follow till the end

And once more I will say on that beautiful day

When Your arms take me in

Sweet Jesus, my shepherd, You are my faithful friend

Sweet Jesus, my Savior, You are my faithful friend