"Ask her"

Wednesday Mike had an appointment with a LCSW to do a pre-assessment before seeing the doctor that will be his out-patient psychiatrist. We had to fill out the usual forms, plus one that asked "How do you feel?" "How is your family?" etc. The scale was from a frowning face (1) to a smiling face (5). (We had a harder one at first, but when the receptionist heard us going through it, she brought us the easier one.) Mike was fairly lucid that morning, and went through the 5 or 6 questions and circled 5 for each one. Everything is fine. When we went in with the therapist, she started off by asking Mike basic information. Then she said, "So why are you here today? How can I help you?"  Like a hitchhiker, Mike flung out his thumb towards me and with a look of utter exasperation, annoyance, and shrug of shoulders said "Ask her!"  It was clear that he thought everything was just hunky dory, but evidently I had some issues. LOL! He really did very well for the first 20 minutes or so, but then became stuck on wanting to get a job and began to get frantic and pacing. We had to cut the interview short and then we spent the next 30-40 minutes walking around outside until he calmed down enough to get into the car.

Thursday, we worked outside and he did very well. Not communicating or repeating, but able to do some work and stick to the task. Londa came in the afternoon to hang out with him and he should have been very tired and ready to sit, but no.  I was cutting grass on the zero-turn mower (so much fun to drive) and then I heard Mike behind me, he was chasing me. I just let him follow for a while, but then he was getting too close. Londa tried to distract him and take him in the golf cart, but he became wild.  Hugh couldn't contain him either and he ended up running and falling. He skinned up his knees, hand, a small scrape on his shoulder and head.  We just had to let him walk/run it off until I could get some medicine in him and eventually Londa was able to get him in the house and clean up his wounds.  He remained mostly calm the rest of the afternoon and went to bed early.  After he was in bed, I went for a nice cool evening walk with Tracey and the dogs. Realization is starting to sink in that I cannot provide what Mike needs here at home. We never know what is going to set him off, days are not routine and the same. He wasn't happy in the apartment, he isn't happy here, and I think he blames me for not being able to go out and work. He complained the other day that I was "keeping" him here.

Some thoughts: Maybe he was more lucid at Tucker because it was very routine and there were very few distractions and stimulation or like before, he does well for a few days and then right back to up and down.  Today he was really repeating and pacing a lot, didn't want/couldn't work so I just let him walk and talk while I weeded. Gave him extra medicine when he began to get too frantic and the rest of the day was fairly peaceful. This afternoon he helped me with the weeding.  A funny...Mike: "I pulled up a flower." Me: "That's OK, just get out the grass and weeds and then put the flower back."  A few seconds later I look over and he's pulling up another flower!  Oh dear. He means well.

Top one is a pretty pale green.
See how huge the one below it is?

The hens laid 8 eggs yesterday and today! It's so exciting to go to the nesting boxes and find them. Even saw one lay hers yesterday! I'm like a kid looking for Easter eggs. Our vegetable garden looks great, Mike and I got the flower garden mostly weeded, and Dad and I finished putting up the irrigation pipe for the hanging baskets.  That was funny too. We turned on the water and water was coming out all over the place.  A few kinks to work out, but we'll get it.  My precious Mom, always keeping the laundry going and good food to eat.

These verses stuck out to me this morning:
Mark 4:39-41
He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!"

I feel like I have a storm inside me. Swirling thoughts of decisions and possibilities. Physically not feeling very good - sick, stress, both? Fragmented thoughts. Tired, weary of body, mind, spirit, emotions. Jesus please calm this storm in me. He is in control, He will make a way, I want to know and do His will. "Quiet! Be still!" I need to hear Jesus.