Mike was quite agitated today. He is receiving more Tylenol, as I requested, so now I wonder if it is withdrawal from the medication that is being tapered down. I've been Googling it for the past hour and it seems possible. This is so frustrating and emotionally draining. I cannot imagine what he is going through and he cannot tell us how he is feeling or why he's so uncomfortable and agitated.
He had been up since 8:00 AM, the CNA said so at 11:00 we put him back in bed. He calmed down and Mr. Omm disappeared for about 45 minutes. We held hands and I tried to talk with him, but he couldn't find any words. His eyes were scanning the room, and he tried to look at the bulletin board on the wall behind his head. I took down photos and asked him if he knew who they were. Silence, then he pointed to different people and I told him who they were. I figured he must have been tired of sitting up and needed a change of position, but soon it was time for lunch and he became quite agitated once we had him up again. Mr. Omm was very persistent and Mike was having a hard time being calm enough to chew his food well. At one point it was as if someone stuck him with a pin. Something was definitely wrong, but what?
We made it through lunch and I wheeled him outside for about 15 minutes, but it didn't help. I decided he must need to lay back down, so we headed inside. He was grabbing his head, scooting forward in his wheelchair, throwing one leg onto the bed, "ommm, omm, ommm, OMMM, OMMM". The RN brought his afternoon pills which included Tylenol and the CNA finally arrived to get him in bed. (after lunch is a very hectic time for them, patience is required) Even in bed, he did not calm down this time. I read Scripture to him, sang, handed him his Sports Illustrated, gave him water, nothing helped. I rubbed his arm, his leg, his chest - at one point he took my hand and pushed it away. He had a few seconds of quiet every now and then - maybe I was just making it worse, so after a little time, I went on and left.
My hearts cry today was "God please be merciful and let him come home to You". This is heart wrenching to see him in such distress and be completely helpless and clueless. It's hard to find joy today. "Restore to me the joy of Thy salvation" I thought as I walked out of the grocery store later. Help me to show that there is still joy in You, even when my heart is like lead.
Psalm 51:12 (ESV)
"Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit."
I'm so sorry. What a difficult place, but God is present in it.
ReplyDeleteYes, He always is. Thanks, Viv.
DeleteI'm sorry your day was filled with heart break.
ReplyDeleteThank you Dee. Today was better. Praise God!
DeleteI am so saddened by your suffering and I have prayed for God to show mercy however His will allows, for your heart to lighten, for your load to ease, for Mike to be able to rest, and God to uphold you, Jennifer. He is there, in the middle of all this. He is there, and somewhere, somehow. Keep hanging in there like hair in a biscuit. You may feel like your heart is lead, but everyone knows it's really gold. May mercy & grace be yours.
ReplyDeleteJennifer, what a blessing you are to me! All day today I have chuckled over your "Keep hanging in there like hair in a biscuit." Thank you for the smile, your prayers, love, and words that help lighten and encourage. I needed that. Love you.
DeleteJennifer,I am so sorry for the roller coaster ride. Mike does so well, then the next time, it all is hard. I will pray for that restoration that comes from Jesus.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lynn. One thing about blogging, it's a release for me, but y'all get to see my roller coaster of emotions as I share. (I guess that's 2 things. LOL!) Love you.
DeleteMy heart goes out to Mike. My heart is filled with sorrow for you and for Mike.God is with Mike and with you and with so many who continue to pray. God is good and merciful. Let me know if I can be of help to you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Karen. Today was better, thank God! Hope y'all are settling in well in your new home.
DeletePraying for you and Mike to find peace on this battlefield
ReplyDeleteLove to you,
Amy in CA
Thank you, Amy. It truly is a battlefield. Always a battle for my mind to stay hopeful and focused on Christ, a battle to fight for Mike, and I can't even fully understand the battle Mike fights every day. I appreciate your love and concern. Thank you for responding so often. I really appreciate you. Love you and hope to meet you one day!
DeleteWhat a trying situation you have been put in. We all know God has reasons and we are not to question. Mike has been blessed with a true Christian wife. Many in this day and time would say, "I've had enough, Let the home care for him." Mike is blessed with Jennifer...an angel on earth!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Daphne. I know I'm NO angel! Just trying to be faithful to my husband "for better or worse" and trusting my Lord. Y'all unfortunately (or fortunately?) get to see my roller coaster of emotions as I share this journey.
DeleteAs I recently entered the caregiving world, following the death of my mother last year and the increased needs of my elderly father, I can identify with your prayers and comments here. Some days joy is so hard to find and keep. Praying that for you and Mike today.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Margaret. I appreciate your prayers and comments. Somehow it helps to know that others struggle with the same things and knowing we are not alone or weird in our thoughts. I always try not to stay stuck in the joyless moments, but to look for the bright spots and our Lord so I can get back on His track where there is always joy. Love you.
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