How Firm a Foundation

Since Friday, life has been quite challenging and I have felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest.  I have prayed and begged God to speak to me, give me guidance, wisdom, patience, peace, just some sort of word from the Lord to me. I don't doubt that He is with us, loves us, has a plan for us, and a hope and a future, but I have about lost every ounce of patience and just wanted some reassurance now.  This morning, I just couldn't decide where to go to church and was asking for guidance as we drove out of the apartment complex.  I don't feel like we will be in this area for very long, so have been hesitant to really look for a "home" church while here. I feel so needy and somehow didn't feel it would be right to attach ourselves to a church where we probably won't be able to participate and help them much, but desperately need a church family close by for support, and for us to get involved with in some capacity.  Trinity was just too big for me, Mike wasn't comfortable with the home church, Keegan and Amy's church is geared more to college and young families, so we needed something in-between.  Back when we had home health, Dusti, RN invited us to her church, Ephesus Baptist, and we visited the 8:30 am service one time a few months back.  Today we actually headed out to go to Keegan's church and at the stop sign I decided to go the opposite direction and we revisted Ephesus at the 11am service.  It was definitely God-appointed.  The second song had me in tears and was my word from the Lord.

How Firm a Foundation

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,

is laid for your faith in His excellent Word!

What more can He say than to you He hath said,

To you who for refuge to Jesus have fled?

"Fear not, I am with thee' O be not dismayed,

For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid;

I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand."

"When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,

My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply:

The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design

Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine."

"The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose

I will not, I will not desert to his foes;

That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,

I'll never, no, never, no never forsake!"

(emphasis mine)

Verse 1 - He has already given me all I need in His Word, what more does He need to say?

Verse 2 - I started this week, trying for Mike and I to memorize a verse a week.  I had Mike type it into his "notes" section on his iPad, so we can review it easily. Our verse this week is Isaiah 41:13 "For I am the Lord your God who upholds your right hand, Who says to you, 'Do not fear, I will help you.'" 

Verse 3 - Dross rhymes with albatross - a very large bird. Don't know why I thought of that just now, but it made me smile and reminded me of an old Disney movie where an animal character is running around trying to get the runway ready for the jumbo bird coming in. I think I'm running around trying to dodge the flame that is meant to consume my large amount of dross - not to hurt me, but to refine me and leave me shiny so that God's reflection alone can be seen.

Verse 4 - The best reassurance ever.  No matter what Satan may throw at me in an effort to shake my faith and make me feel like a failure, as long as I have Jesus as my refuge and lean on Him, He will not, will not desert me and never, no, never, no, never  forsake me.

So even though He has said all He needs to say in His Word, He still loves us enough to speak to us individually, in a way that is clear and personal in our time of desperate need. As I think back, I realize that often it is through songs that I hear the Lord speaking most intimately with me.  I also realized today that the church, wherever we are, is to be our family, even if we cannot give back much right now or may never be able to give back to whatever church we participate in at this time. That is the body of Christ.  Kris from the home church was definitely Jesus' hands and feet to me this week.  Friday, after we had exchanged e-mails, she unexpectedly brought supper, some movies, a puzzle and sat and talked with us for a while.  She helped me get through that day when I needed a friend the most.  This morning, as tears flowed while singing, a gentle hand was laid on my shoulder and the kindness of the woman behind me, was a balm to my soul. Ephesus is predominately an older congregation, but the people were warm and welcoming and I believe it will be a good fit for our time here. They are having a gospel and bluegrass band tonight and we plan to return to hear them.

Without going into all the details of our struggles, just imagine that you have someone hovering over you from the time they are awake until they go to bed, often repeating the same phrase over and over and over, he becomes extremely anxious often and especially if I am out of sight or not helping him do something constantly. Often sounds angry, talks loudly, and there are often messes to clean up.  Sometimes there are physical struggles in the middle of the night, because he thinks it is time to get up and get dressed. The government doesn't provide any assistance for respite because he "only has TBI", our file was sent from our case manager at DDB to Maxim on Dec. 17 to get some personal assistance during the day, but as of Jan. 3, Maxim had not looked at it.  Our case manager with Developmental Disability Bridging has changed twice now.  Gateway Clubhouse may not be able to accept him due to his behavior and insurance doesn't pay for residential programs.  It sometimes feels like we are in a very large crack in the system.

Regarding the wound, I guess I was over-hopeful. Tara also thought it felt smaller under the skin, but when she checked previous measurements, there was a minuscule difference. Surgery is scheduled for the 15th to pull it together and insert a drain.  The outside is closing again, but they tell me not to worry about it.

On the bright side, Mike really enjoyed the Jones family gift exchange and has especially enjoyed the hat Daddy gave him. (Daddy gave hats to my brother, Hugh, and all the sons-in-law. From L-R Daddy, Ed, Tom, Hugh, Mike G., Mike R.) Mike had somewhat of a conversation with his Mom on New Year's Day as he was watching the Nebraska game.  First time I've heard him do that. Through Comfort Keepers, I have hired someone to be here M-F for at least 3 hours a day. Pray that Mike will be cooperative with the new guy, Galen (M,W, F) and Scotty (T, Th). I put out an SOS to Keegan and Amy today and they came and took him for a walk and played a game with him so I could type this, but they need to get going so I must go.  

Thank you for your love and prayers.