Broken

WAW....What A Week...

Sunday 1/20
Mike, Keegan & Amy - tough, frantic, Keegan taking Mike out of church and carrying him down the stairs.
Me - Wonderful respite, worship, walk, freedom, phone conversations, reading, movie, ahhhh
Closing song at Chapel Hill Bible Church
You Never Let Go by Matt Redman
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9Ya7ryNob4)

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back I know you are near

And I will fear no evil, For my God is with me. And if my God is with me,
Whom then shall I fear? Whom then shall I fear?

Chorus:
Oh no, You never let go, Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go, In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go, Lord, You never let go of me
(You keep on giving and You never let go)

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth  (Chorus)

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You!  (Chorus 2x)

2006 Sparrow

Monday - Arriving home at 3 and seeing Mike through rested eyes. Sadness, where is the man I knew? He looked so lost, disheveled, unshaven, glassy-eyed.  Maureen, CK caregiver had a rough time.

Tues. - Scotty's last day - he's too busy, quitting Comfort Keepers. Sad face - he was the best with Mike and most consistent. Tried my new medicine - very bad night - so much for that.

Thurs. - Appt. with Dr. G, chasing Mike in and out of the office, up and down the hall, wide-eyes of strangers, sympathetic looks and help from office staff. Increase of risperdal. Didn't seem to help, Maureen came, Mike unhappy. Come home after some errands - Maureen outside with Mike's coat looking for Mike, surprised neighbors, Mike out-of-control.  Maureen leaves, Mike calms down. Physical struggles over personal care. Rough night....who is "Lily the veterinarian"? Pacing 12:30-2am

Friday - Try not giving him Inderal & risperdal (so many things were better when he first came home from the hospital - is the medicine causing this?)- cold, icy, snowy, Mike determined to go outside, but not frantic. Walk to trash, did some cleaning and laundry, watched Anne of Green Gables, played games.  Too icy to go out, struggles to keep him in - no understanding.  Some sleep.

Saturday - Calmer morning, careful walk to trash, scraping & de-icing the car - good stress relief, while Mike sits in the warm car, walk at the mall, hot pretzel and an Orange Julius, grocery store, home - Mike insists on a shower, goes to bed for 20 minutes.  Lunch, games, walk at the park, finish Anne of GG movie.  Getting him cleaned up - uncooperative, physical struggles, running water at 4 am, pacing.

Sunday 1/27 - Anxious - OK try the Inderal again - BIG mistake!  Mike out-of-control, Big scene at church, stares of people, struggle to get him to car. Me - broken. OK - Was so hopeful that he'd be better without all these meds - nevermind - try the 1mg of Risperdal again.  Lunch, then try making potholders on little plastic square weaving loom - he liked it and could do parts of it on his own.  Carol and Ed came - Thank You, Lord!  Keegan, Amy and I went out - bit of early birthday celebration for Keegan (23 on the 29th) picked up cheesecake, coffee and sat at food court, talked, prayed, shared, release - Keegan encouraged & prayed for me - he's such a support to me - Thank you, LORD!. I visited Kris afterwards - helpful comment from Kris: that maybe keeping Mike calmer will help his brain to heal better also.  A bright hope to think about, instead of just feeling bad about keeping him drugged.  Her little one, Andrew, made my day when he ran in and gave me a big hug! So precious. Big smile. Home...Carol doing laundry, Mike and Ed still making potholders!  Fixated is much better than frenzied.  Time for more meds, shower, he crashed.  I write.

Psalm 27:13&14 NASB
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.

NIV - Vs. 13 I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

Both translations are so true. Desperation can be so close to overwhelming me, if I take my eyes off of the LORD, so I will remain confident and not despair for God's goodness is evident in so many ways already and there will be more to be seen as we continue along this adventurous journey for "I belong to the Lord". Isaiah 44:5