Prayer Focus Change

Often God's plans are not our plans or our hopes, they are usually much better, but patience is required. Right now it's hard to see the better, but I believe it to be true. He is trustworthy, so I will trust Him, even when I don't see.

We still don't have a place for Mike to go. He's still at UVA. Amelia was obviously not it, but we/I learned a great deal in the process of being denied by them which helps as we move forward. And we will move forward, it's a matter of when and where.

This morning my friend, Nancy drove up with me and Gayle and Tom met us at The Harbor. We packed all of Mike's things, said good-bye, and I shed a few tears. The staff there have treated Mike and me well, it is a beautiful and clean facility, and I will miss the people there. It is the end of a three year chapter of our lives, but I am hopeful that this new chapter will find Mike closer to me and receiving the therapy that he needs to walk again, plus gentle and kind caregivers, like he has had at The Harbor.

Many conversations have taken place in the last few days. Here's a brief outline:

Monday
Case manager - Grace won't take him because The Harbor won't commit to take him back.
Me - speechless
The Harbor, L & B - Want to take him back, but he needs, no deserves therapy and may need more care after therapy than we can provide. Not saying won't take him back, but can't promise.
Me - ahhh, understood
Case manager & L - main stumbling block for all rehab is after therapy, then where and how will it be paid for? NEED Medicaid!

Mike seems in pain, agitated, can't relax
Me - is he getting pain med regularly?
RN - no, PRN (as needed)
Me - uhh, he's non-verbal. I think he needs it regularly scheduled. Would you ask about that?
RN - ok
She wasn't our best nurse, so I stayed til the night shift and asked again. Then drive home to start Medicaid process.

Tuesday
Spent the morning gathering info and applying for Medicaid. Talk with Liesa about Amelia, The Harbor, Grace, strategies, locked versus unlocked facilities, etc. Looks like this could take a while. UVA can't kick him out til there's a safe place for him to go.
Me - so guess I should come get his things?
L - yes, probably best, though we hate to see y'all go.
Me - contact a previously used law office to try to get help understanding all of this or to try to speed up the process. They can't see me till July 23.  Maybe I'll look elsewhere. Know a good Medicaid lawyer? Let me know, ASAP!

Wednesday
Case manager - sent out 60 referrals, some don't have beds, most want to know plan for after and if we have Medicaid. Long term can be $9,000/month!
Me - $9,000?!?!!
Social worker, a man from a facility, case manager, Nancy and me - talk, brain storm, what to do??? We're all doing all we know to do.

I'll stay on DSS and try to do whatever it takes to get Mike on Medicaid ASAP. Does the government ever move fast?

Case manager will continue to search and now can say "Medicaid pending".

Mike was sitting in the hall when we arrived today. "Ommm, ommm". We rolled him around the halls for a good while. I shaved him, cleaned his face, brushed his teeth. Back in bed he slept a little. Still not on regular pain med, not even Tylenol. Go through whole thing again. I trimmed his nails. Meds including pain med and supper, then he was agitated. Pain med or ??? He's not talking to me at all. So frustrating. However, spoke with PT and they did get him up and he took a few steps at the parallel bars. Yay! Yet they still think pain is the barrier to doing more.

Going to contact the psychiatrist that has been with him at The Harbor and knows his baseline. She works at UVA. Maybe she can help.

At this point I'm praying for God's will and keeping the faith. No specifics, I'll leave that to Him.

I have to believe that God works all things together for good to those who love him and are called according to his purpose. That gives me hope. I'm seeking to be His witness always.

Thank you for praying.

2nd Chance?

Please pray, pray, pray!

It's way too much to go into at this late hour, but I specifically need your prayers for a second chance at Amelia Rehab and that I can quickly get the process of applying for Medicaid rolling. I hope that it will roll fast toward approval without too many bumps and potholes. I've done what I could tonight, but time to quit.

I praise God for the two wonderful women at The Harbor, who are going to bat for us. It was a very discouraging day, but they are giving me hope.

Mike seemed uncomfortable and spit up a couple times. I asked for pain med for him and he was a bit calmer when I left tonight. Please, lift him up. I'm so sorry he has to deal with so much pain without even being able to tell us where it hurts or what's wrong. It's so hard to see him like this with no communication.

Thank you for praying.

Where to next, Lord?

Mark & Jenney (Mike's brother & sister-in-law)

Mike is still at UVA Hospital and we do not yet have a rehab or skilled nursing facility for him. It looks like Amelia is not going to work out for long-term, due to the financing that we receive through the DAP (Discharge Assistance Program). They only work with Medicaid and private pay. He could possibly go there for rehab, because Medicare would probably approve that, but then we would have to transition to another facility or back to The Harbor. I would like to avoid that if at all possible.

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The case manager at the hospital is looking into other places within an hour radius of our zip-code and if that doesn't work, we will see if Grace Rehab right beside The Harbor has bed space and he would go there for rehab and then back to The Harbor. Amelia was also concerned that Mike has been in a locked facility and they do not have a locked area. The nurse and administrator at The Harbor do not think a locked facility is necessary now, since Mike has declined significantly in the 3 years he's been there. He is not as mobile and does not move around on his own except in the wheelchair. 

This news has been unsettling and I was discouraged yesterday, plus had a bit of a meltdown this morning as I prayed and cried. But GOD is still sovereign and has a plan and I realized that I was putting a timeline on things instead of waiting on God and His perfect timing and placement. 

Sitting in the Stryker
 in the hall

Mike is alright and receiving great care and will remain at UVA through the weekend. This is actually a huge blessing since my Dad's visitation is tonight and his Celebration of Life service is tomorrow. Family will be here all weekend and I can relax and enjoy the remembrance of Daddy and the family reunion. Physical Therapy continues to come in daily and get Mike up with the Sara Stedy. He pops up to stand, but then quickly wants to sit back, pain is obvious. PT believes he will walk again, just probably not before he leaves the hospital. She believes that if his pain is managed better, that he would be able to put forth the effort needed. I believe the Oxycodone is making his head feel weird (he grabs and claws at his head), so the nurse was going to confer with the doctor and try something else. We tried just Tylenol, but it is not enough when PT starts working with him. 

Thank you for all the prayers and love shown to me and my family this week. I know the reason I don't completely fall apart is due to prayers and the strength of the Lord Jesus. 

The suction tube has become a pacifier.

Peaceful Passing

Daddy left this world to be with his Savior, Jesus Christ, peacefully on Monday, July 2, a little after noon. He will be missed and remembered well. Once again he is walking, dancing, and praising God!

I love you, Daddy and will see you again. Then we'll worship Jesus together and dance on the streets of gold.

Would you believe it?

Last night as I was driving back to the hotel from the hospital, I realized I was going over the speed limit. I thought to myself - if a policeman stops me and asks if I'm in a hurry, I wonder if he will believe me when  I tell him all the things that are going on right now in my family.

Let me back up. Wednesday night I received a call from The Harbor saying that Mike had fallen. They had checked all of his vitals and he seemed fine. On Thursday, about noon, I received a call from the nurse, Beth. She said Mike seemed to be in pain when he tried to put weight on his right leg and they were calling a mobile imaging service to come and x-ray his right hip. She was just getting there that day and had not seen him yet. Shortly after that call, she called me back and said she was sending him to the ER because she thought his color did not look good either.

The short version is he was sent to the ER and had surgery the next morning because he had broken the top part of his femur. It was not at the ball and socket so they were able to put two plates on the femur and one screw. Thursday night in the ER he was talking some to me. Since the surgery he has not talked except his perseverative "ommm". We can tell he is in pain when he grabs his head or is restless. It's hard to tell if the pain medicine is making his head feel weird or it's just his reaction to pain in his leg. He does not like moving his right leg.

PT and OT came yesterday afternoon and this morning. They sat Mike up in the bed and he did ok, but then they decided to get a Stryker chair. It's like a stretcher that can then be gently transitioned to a chair position. So they transferred him from bed to the stretcher, then slowly sat him up. He "ommmed" but then settled down. Sat up for about 1.5 hours total yesterday before we got him back in bed. The RN and I rolled him out to the window, I fed him his supper and he started getting agitated. It took about 15 minutes for the nurse to come and I kept lowering the back a little and he was sort of ok. Back in the room, he just couldn't settle down. There were visitors with his roommate, then the blood infusion machine started beeping, he had to be changed and then finally all became quiet and he was out. Had been awake all afternoon and it was about 7 by then.  He was restless today, but sat up twice in the Stryker for about an hour each time.

Here's what else is going on in our world:
My father has been in a rather steady decline since a fall the end of March. Hospice came and started working with us in mid-april. In the last two weeks he has had a more drastic decline and we expect his passing any day or hour now. Mike is in a hospital about 2 hours away from my parents. I am so thankful that we have a fairly large family and one of my sisters was there when I got the call about Mike, so I was free to leave.

My brother was also out of town, because his mother-in-law passed away on Tuesday morning in Tennessee. Her funeral was yesterday and now my brother and niece are driving home and expect to get there about 2 A. M.

There are some other health issues and concerns on the Rice side of the family, but I won't get into that now.  As you can see, there's been lots of reasons to lean on Jesus and allow him to carry us all through. Although it was hard to leave my parents right now, the Lord has given me a real peace that I am right where I need to be - beside my husband. Mom, Gayle and Carol are at Daddy's side tonight.

Mike may be discharged from the hospital tomorrow, if they can get him up and trying to take a few steps. This is where there is some possibly exciting news. Because Mike will have to go to a rehabilitation or skilled nursing home for Rehab, Beth suggested that now might be a good time to try to transition him to a facility closer to home. So while Mike was in surgery, Thursday morning, I was praying and sending out texts asking for people to pray and if they knew of good facilities near us. I knew I wanted to check in to the one in Amelia, because I already know someone there with brain injury and the family seems to be happy with his care. Excitement started to build when three of the people I text all said something about Amelia. Even the marketing director at The Harbor had already spoken to somebody at the Amelia facility. It seemed to me God was directing us there.

The case manager was able to forward some information to the administrator on Friday afternoon, so we will talk more tomorrow. I do not know if they have room, if they will accept him, or if they take the funding that we have available. Please pray about all these points. Right now Mike is over 2 hours away from me. The facility in Amelia is only 25 minutes away from me. I do hope and have been praying since Thursday that this is where God will lead us and that he will fling the doors wide open for us to move Mike there directly from the hospital and that Mike will transition and settle in well. I would definitely be able to see him a lot more often, which should help the transition also.

Please excuse any typos or lack of punctuation. I am speaking a lot of this into my phone and trying to correct it, but I'm getting tired and it's time to quit.

I so appreciate your prayers for Mike, me, and both sides of our family. This has been my verse the last few days:

Throw wide the gates so good and true people can enter. People with their minds set on you, you keep completely whole, Steady on their feet, because they keep at it and don’t quit. Depend on God and keep at it because in the Lord God you have a sure thing.
Isaiah 26:2‭-‬4 MSG

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!

I hope you have enjoyed a day of giving and receiving love in various and beautiful forms with those who are dear to you.

I had the distinct pleasure of enjoying several hours with my honey today and it was a very good day. I'm a slow learner, but I think I've finally (after almost 6 years) learned that keeping things simple and routine usually makes the time with Mike go fairly well. Did you notice my qualifiers in that sentence? "think, usually, fairly" Nothing is ever certain with brain injury or even with me. I have those days when I just want to throw in some variety....uh, bad idea. Anyway, today I took Mike to Subway, our usual lunch spot, where we enjoyed our sandwiches, plus other goodies that I brought along. I have learned that if I want to be able to eat most of my own lunch, I have to have extra things for Mike to eat or I end up giving him half or more of mine. 😊 He eats fast and I eat slow. If I'm still eating and he doesn't have any food in front of him, he looks at me so pitifully - watching the food go to my mouth - that I can't take it!

Mike was fairly clear today and when he responded it was appropriate to what I had asked or said. He will still keep on eating as long as there is food, so I try to gauge what looks like enough. At one point, I figured he had to be getting full, so I asked him and he did this little quick nod of his head with his eyes wide and looking directly at me. I wish I could describe it for you, but words cannot capture the look. It's a look of such innocence, child-like and endearing.

 After this I was trying to ask him if his shoes were still fitting well and feeling good or did we need to get him a new pair. I asked in about 3 different ways, pausing after each. After a few minutes, he looked up and said "What did you ask me?" So I repeated it again pointing to his shoes and nudging his toe with mine and he said "I'm full!"  I just had to laugh and figured his shoes must be fine. 

Following a new tradition that is working well, we headed over to Lowe's and walked around for a while to give him some exercise in a level and warm environment. He leans heavily on the walker and I try to encourage him to work on getting his bottom under his shoulders. He tries. 

Once back at The Harbor, I trimmed his nails, he read for a while then we played Yahtzee. He beat me soundly something like 256 - 179. Then he was ready for a nap and so was I before I headed home. After getting him in bed, I squeezed in between the wall and him and enjoyed resting beside him, hearing his heartbeat and feeling his warmth. I don't think either of us slept, but the chance to stretch out and close my eyes helped tremendously on the drive home.

It was so nice not to hear Mr. Ommm Ommm today. He tried to make a brief appearance at Subway when I couldn't figure out which chips Mike wanted, but thankfully I found the right ones so Mr. Ommm was left in the corner once Mike started eating. A couple of times Mike just stared at me. I always think he's trying to figure out who I am when he does that, but I didn't want to ask if he knew me today. He seemed to and that was good enough for me. 

I was given a great gift today from my Lord. A beautiful time with my husband that I enjoyed immensely. 

James 1:17 (ESV) 

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, 

coming down from the Father of lights

 with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change."

A Little Place of My Own

Dear Ones:

Cousin, P.J. and
friend, Nancy,
hard at work!

They trimmed,
I rolled.

The Lord has blessed me with a little space and place of my own and I am so very grateful. It is about 85 of my foot steps from my front door to Mom and Dad's back door, so I am still very close, but we all have a bit more space which is a good thing. In the Fall, my nephew's family moved out of this trailer into their newly remodeled home and I asked my brother, Hugh, if I could move in and he graciously agreed. It belongs to the Farm and currently there were no farm employees needing a home and it is just perfect for me. I am thankful for all the people who made it happen. Y'all provided everything from words of encouragement to "go-for-it!", prayers, repairs, financial assistance, painting, cleaning, moving my stuff, installing new bathroom cabinets, plus a storm door and new back door, and more. I am truly blessed. I do want to give a special shout out to my dear friend, Nancy, who so faithfully came every day that I was painting and worked right along side of me for hours and hours. Thank you, Nancy, and all my family! 

Most of what was boxed and in the milking parlor upper room storage were kitchen items and framed photos. It was bittersweet opening the kitchen boxes. Here's Mike's favorite mug, his thermos, etc., but it was fun also to remember happier times when we used these dishes and things together as a family. There is a nice set of brand new place-mats and cloth napkins that I do not remember at all. Were they a gift when we lived in the apartment after Mike came from the hospital? Did I find them on sale right before we moved back to the farm? I have no recollection at all, but they still had the stickers on them - never used. They've been used now! Yesterday I invited my Acts Bible Study ladies to my new little abode for our study and lunch to kick off our new year of study. It was such a blessed time of discussion and fellowship. Then today I invited Mom and Dad over for lunch and that was sweet too!

I'm still not completely settled. There is very little on the walls as I have not yet ventured into the other boxes that remain in the "upper room". I still have a few boxes in the office and my bedroom that need to be emptied and put somewhere, still a little bit of trim painting I want to do, windows need to be washed, etc. However, my desk is piled with papers needing my attention and the deadline is quickly approaching for all of the conservator accounting paperwork. I've done better this year, but have not touched receipts and spreadsheets for the past 3 months, so I have several hours worth of work ahead of me. 

I still spend a large portion of each day with Mom and Dad helping them with meal prep and clean up and all the little things that need to be done on a given day. They are my main priority and it is a blessing to be able to care for them and help them as age slows them down. They are amazing at 88 and 93 and still able to do lots of things on their own. I am very grateful for Betty, who comes 2 mornings a week which gives me a little break.

I try to go see Mike every other week. All of the Rice family that could, gathered in an Air B&B in Charlottesville over Christmas and we were with Mike for a few hours on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. It was an OK time. Not great, but not terrible. The Haldol has definitely calmed Mike, but it also makes him much slower. He still does not handle over-stimulation well and we continue to figure out the best way to be with him when we have a large group of family together.

This past week I saw him on Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday morning. Tuesday was a good visit. I was able to take him out to get a haircut and get a sub. Wednesday morning was not good. He was so sleepy and when he was awake he was stuck in his "omm". The nurse did tell me that she's requesting to cut back on the Haldol for it is doing just what I said it did in the past. It makes him "old man-like". Stooped over, drooling, sleeping. 

Over the months of November and December, I committed to pray about the possibility of moving Mike to a facility closer to me, if I could find one. If I felt that the Lord was giving me the go-ahead, I was going to start pursuing it in January. On December 31st, as I was walking over to my parents' house with thoughts of gratitude for my little place of serenity, I felt the Lord speak to my heart something like this: "Mike is content and settled where he is. You now have a place to settle, a place to call your own, a place of quiet retreat and space that will help ease your stress and anxiety. Let it be." Along with the thoughts came peace that has remained, thus I will not pursue moving Mike. I will go as often as I can and be grateful for the people, the care, and the nice facility that the good Lord provided for Mike and me over 2 years ago.

I also plan to start writing again on my other blogs. No grandiose ideas of how often or commitments to write every week, but the desire to glorify God, share from my heart and His word is there and I want to try again. I covet your prayers. 

My kitchen table window.

I love the view from my office window and my kitchen table window which are almost the same. As I am typing, I can look across the fields where baby calves frolic, birds glide across the sky, and the sun is touching the tops of the trees on its descent. Not only do I have space to spread out inside, but I have such a feeling of space when I look outside. I love the quietness. My soul releases one big sigh....

Looking out of my back door.

I did not make time to write a Christmas letter, but I do hope that each of you had a blessed time with family and friends remembering our Lord's birth. We attended church on Christmas Eve morning, but I do regret that we did not make a point of reading the Bible or really celebrating Jesus during our family time together. I am making a mental note not to let that happen again. I feel like in the busyness and fun of being together we lost sight of focusing on Jesus whose coming to earth was the reason for celebrating. 

May we all have a wonderful year and keep Jesus our Savior and Lord as the focus of every day of our life. I love you.

Heavy and Light

Dear ones,

It's been a long time since I've written. It wasn't intentional, the words just seemed to blow away and I couldn't find them.

Today words have returned and the need to express and share is strong within me tonight. A return to a type of therapy for me or perhaps the need to share joy and pain in the hopes of renewed prayers from our dear supporters and prayer warriors.

The months of my silence have mainly followed the previous years of highs and lows for Mike: medication adjustments, falls, lethargy and over-activity, sickness and wellness, talking and silence, cooperative and uncooperative, knows-who-I-am or doesn't, etc. However, today I was thrown a very unexpected curve ball and was hit directly in the gut.

Last night The Harbor had a family night and Mike and I went over to the adjacent hall to join the other residents and families. I will not try to do these special events anymore. Mike does not handle the added stimulation of more people and excitement with anything but his perseverating hum and anxiousness. After feeding him his supper, I wheeled him outside for a stroll in the humid, but mostly quiet evening air. After a while, he stopped his humming then suddenly declared "It's your turn to ride." I assured him I wanted to walk after being in the car for a few hours. He wasn't dissuaded so after a few more minutes, I helped him stand and he used the wheelchair as a sort of walker.

Resident kitty
I call Tilty.

"You sit down." Seeing as he is a bit unsteady on his feet and the wheelchair was about to get ahead of him, I just kept a steadying hand on the chair and walked beside him. After unsuccessfully trying to get him back into the wheelchair before going down the hill, I just walked backwards down the hill holding onto the seat handles of the wheelchair while he pushed it down the hill. We made it safely. Thank the Lord.

Lisa kindly brought us apple caramel donuts, fresh apple slices, and a piece of apple pie with ice cream while we sat on the front porch. Mike never turns down ANY food. All of this after I had given him a piece of coconut pie and a couple of rolls I had brought from home!

My handsome hubby

Today I arrived about 9:15. Mike was sitting in the dining room humming, drooling, and nose running. Nothing broke him out and he didn't want to move. I finally manhandled his wheelchair and him out from under the table and into his room. Teeth brushed, face cleaned, I wheeled him outside. Tried to sing with him, read to him, have him read, fed him yogurt....nothing doing. "ommm, ommm, ommm." 

After the CNA cleaned him up and changed his clothes, I went on and got him in the car to see if we could get his hair cut. It was a bit of a struggle to get in the car - like he couldn't remember how to do it. Once in and having something in his hand to read, he quieted and rode well. I prayed that there wouldn't be more than a 5 minute wait and praise God! it wasn't. Mike did great. He sat still and very quiet. He wouldn't answer our questions, but was very calm throughout and the woman did a great job on his hair and was even able to shampoo it. That's the very first time we've had him lean back like that, he looked a little worried, but we made it through.

The Hair Cuttery is right beside Subway and Mike headed right to their door. I asked if he wanted a sub or a hamburger and he said "sub!". When it comes to food, then he'll talk! Beef or chicken? "chicken!". We took our sandwiches to the park and enjoyed our picnic. Mike didn't talk. Not even answering yes/no questions.

Back at The Harbor, I was getting him settled to take a nap. I leaned over to kiss him and told him I had to go and would be back in a couple of weeks. Then it happened...his face crumpled. The edges of his mouth turned down in a quiver, his eyes were tightly shut, tears forming around the edges and my heart was pierced. I was so unprepared for this. He'd seemed so far away, not paying any attention to me. On what level did he understand? What was he thinking, knowing, realizing? What did he want to communicate that he couldn't? Oh the pain! Oh the helplessness! The heartache. It feels cruel. So cruel and not a thing I can do about it. God, please.

I stayed a bit longer and sang a couple of hymns while stroking his arm. He seemed to relax and I hope he slept. I left with a heavy heart and begged God to heal him and bring him home to me or home to Him. It's just too hard and I pray we don't go on like this for years and years to come. Yet, I remembered that I just need to take one day at a time and God's grace is sufficient for that, for Mike, and for my weakness. For when I am weak, then He is strong.

Coveting your prayers for us.

2 Corinthians 12:9-11 (ESV)

9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

His way and His time

On January 10, Mike had a dentist appointment.  I arrived early to make sure Mike was ready and give him a chance to think about what was going to transpire. He was reading a magazine and would just pause briefly to look at me and then continue reading. After a bit, I asked him if he knew who I was. He kept reading. Later I asked him if he knew my name and he said "I don't know." So I told him and reminded him that I was his wife. "I know." he said.

My brother-in-law, Tom, graciously met me at The Harbor to help with the outing. Mike was able to walk to the car with his walker and then into the dentist's office with Tom and I on either side. He did great throughout the entire cleaning and x-rays. The hygienist finished and we were waiting for the Dentist to come in when Mike said, "Is your name, Jennifer?" 😊

We enjoyed lunch at Subway and were just about finished when Mike started to get antsy. By the time we returned to The Harbor, Mike was tired and ready to go to bed. He had done very well and I am so thankful that he is still able to tolerate those appointments.

Yesterday, our Pastor, Randy, and his wife, Karen, and I drove up to see Mike. It was a welcome relief to have someone else do the driving and we enjoyed visiting along the way. When we arrived, the Physical Therapist was there walking with Mike down the hall. I came up beside Mike, greeted him and was blown away when he responded, "Hi Honey!" Wow! Blast from the past. That's how my pre-accident husband used to greet me, plus the fact that he knew me right away! Thank you, Jesus!

I continued to be amazed throughout the day at how Mike was mentally. He was actually initiating a little bit instead of just responding. I walked with the PT and Mike back and forth in the hallway and we tried taking away the walker and just walking beside him, but he asked to have the walker back. He looked for a trashcan to throw away his tissue and he told me he wanted a piece of gum. Such a huge difference from even the week before. I assume medication is continuing to get out of his system, plus I believe in the power of God through the many prayers lifted up for Mike.

Back in late November or early December, as a result of a Bible study lesson on praying specifically, I took it a bit too far and was placing a time frame on my prayers for Mike. I wasn't really comfortable with it (a sure sign it wasn't from God), but I prayed that way for a few weeks anyway. (I believe it would be called desperation - "God please do something before the end of the year!") Ugh...😕

One of the women in the Bible study spoke of praying Scripture. It's something I have tried to do in the past, but never got very far. One day I asked her if she would show me more specifically how to do it and get me started. Wow! It has opened up a whole new dimension in my prayer life and walk of faith. I began praying Psalm 91:14 for Mike.

"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him..."

I prayed "Lord, because Mike loves you, please rescue him from his damaged brain and body." That's the prayer that I tacked the time limit onto. After the few weeks, I called my dear friend in North Carolina and asked her what she thought. She said: "Uh...Jennifer, you know we can't put a time limit on God. It has to be in His time." Yes, yes I knew that. So I removed the time limit and inserted: "...in your time and in your way." I text that change to my friend on December 24. It has been my prayer since then. Plus I know so many of you continue to pray for Mike and me, as well. Insert the changes in Mike since Autumn and the changes in just the last week and there is so much answered prayer. 

Then God confirmed it this morning during my time with Him. I picked up a small book of inspirational readings, called Moments of Peace in the Presence of God published by Bethany House. It was given to me this Christmas and I've been reading it sporadically. The book mark was on a page entitled "Answered Prayers". What brought me on my face before God was the following: 

"At those times when God is silent, you must place your hope in two mighty truths: the truth of God's sovereignty and the truth of his faithfulness. God answers all your prayers, but always in his own time and in his own way."

I could hardly believe I was reading the very words I'd been praying. How does God do that? I don't read that book every day, but there was the reading that was so appropriate and had the words I had been praying. They just had more emphasis by adding "own". This was definitely a sovereign-God moment. A moment when He showed me, once again, that He is in control, He is listening, and He is answering. I believe God is answering our prayers for Mike in His own time and in His own way. 

Mike also read Scripture*, sang hymns with us and prayed a short prayer, plus he never seemed tired. Usually by 3 or 4 in the afternoon, he is not able to function cognitively very well and reverts back to his humming oh. He didn't do that yesterday. We got him settled in his room with his Bible and we headed home. A truly miraculous and amazing day!

Psalm 66:20

Praise be to God,

who has not rejected my prayer

or withheld his love from me!

*Click on the link to see a video of Mike reading Psalm 111.

A Most Unusual Christmas

I had a very unusual, but joyous Christmas. In order to have the noon meal with Mike, I needed to leave before 9:00am. Dad had a rough night so was sleeping soundly in the morning, but I woke him up anyway so that they could open their gifts before I left. I had created a couple of special gifts for them and was excited to see them opened. It was a bit rushed, but we had a few minutes together and then I was on the road.

At The Harbor, I wheeled Mike from the dining room to a seating area in the hall and there gave him his gifts. I should have saved the book until I was ready to leave, because as soon as he opened it, all he wanted to do was read. Maybe due to the book, he was not as interactive as he had been during the last 2 visits, but He had a fairly good day.

We were able to v-chat with his Mom and both of our boys and their families, plus talked with his Dad. Mike didn't do much talking, but at least we made contact. Dinner was OK. Maybe the regular cook was on vacation which is a good thing!

Since Mike was preoccupied with his book, I went through all of his stuff, organizing and throwing out as needed. There had been quite an accumulation of magazines, other folks clothing, coloring books, stuffed animals, shoes, etc.  I know it won't last, but it made me feel better and gave me something to do. Mike would watch me and then back to reading.

I left after 4 pm and enjoyed a very relaxed evening and a light supper with my Aunt and my cousin. We talked, laughed, enjoyed our meal and watched a movie. It had been a full day and I went to bed very tired and content.

On Tuesday, all of my sisters and some of their children and grands came to the farm. We had a fun and chaotic time with our annual While Elephant exchange on Wednesday night, playing games, and trying to feed 28 people (half the amount of people that could have been here). Everyone left on Thursday and it's been rather quiet since, except during the football bowl games. Way to go VT Hokies! What in the world happened OSU Buckeyes?

On Friday I called and tried to talk with Mike, but that rarely works. It didn't that day either. However, yesterday I received a call from my favorite med tech, C. She said "Someone wants to talk to you." Here's how the conversation went (bold letters because Mike has one volume - yell!):

Mike: "SONGS OF CHRISTMAS, HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING, JINGLE BELLS, AWAY IN A MANGER!"

Me: "Do you want to sing one of those songs?"

silence

I hear C in the background. C: "Tell Jennifer that you went to church today."

Mike: "HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING, AWAY IN A MANGER, IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS!"

Me singing: "Hark the herald angels sing - sing with me Mike, you know the words - glory to the newborn King."

Mike: "SONGS OF CHRISTMAS, HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING, JINGLE BELLS, AWAY IN A MANGER!"

Me: "Did you go to church?"

Mike: "YES! HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING, AWAY IN A MANGER, IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS!"

Even though he was stuck, at least he was stuck on something different than normal and it was a joyful conversation just to hear him excited about the songs and reading from the program of the church service that was held at The Harbor yesterday morning. It is also the reason that C is my favorite. The fact that she would take the time out of her busy schedule to look up my number and call, because she knew it would bring me joy to hear Mike's excitement. That type of thing is what makes her an excellent caregiver and very special to me.

I hope each of you had a special Christmas season in one way or another. Mine was unusual and spread out and fun and chaotic and relaxing and memorable and most of all precious since I had the privilege of being with so many wonderful people. 

With. That reminds me of the real reason for Christmas. The celebration of Jesus' birth. Immanuel, God with us. Isn't it amazing that the God of the universe sent His only Son to be with us?  Not only that, but He also made a way for us to one day be with Him through His Son's death and resurrection. It boggles my mind that He desires a relationship with us, but He truly does and He paid a huge price to draw us to Himself. What a precious gift!

Matthew 1:23 (ESV)

“Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son,

    and they shall call his name Immanuel”

(which means, God with us).

The Christmas Card

This week I received a very nondescript envelope and assumed it was some generic Christmas card from a business or insurance company. However, when I opened it, this is what I saw - a beautiful wintry, country scene with a female Cardinal and a red bow.  The real gift was inside. Click on the image of the card and you will see the special surprise that awaited me. If the video doesn't work, you can scroll down to the bottom to see the inside of the card. 

The last time I visited Mike, we sat in the sun room and watched as the staff decorated their tree. Mike was having a good day and we were able to enjoy Subway sandwiches and play Yahtzee and Sequence. Sequence was a challenge since the blue and green chips have disappeared and we only had red, but we just worked together to get our chips in a row.  Mike was a little bit more talkative, but still is not walking. I will be going up there Christmas morning after spending a little time here with Mom and Dad. I am anxious to see Mike. 

It's been 3 weeks, because I went to see  his Mom in Ohio. We all missed having Mike and the rest of the family with us, but did enjoy an early Christmas with Keegan, Amy and the girls, plus seeing Mike's brother and his family. It was COLD in Ohio. We had dustings of snow a couple of times and then a really nice fluffy flakes snow all day on Tuesday. It was beautiful to look at and fun to play in. Aria loved it! Keegan enjoyed showing Amy some of his favorite places and we enjoyed time just being together. 

My writing is very sporadic so far, but I want to share with you the one I posted today. It's actually a post that I started writing several months ago, but with a few changes, I felt it was something that might be of help to someone "out there" who has also struggled with unmet expectations, especially during special occasions. Here's the link: https://lookingforbrightspots.blogspot.com/. 

Tomorrow is Christmas!  I am very excited to celebrate Jesus, to be here with Mom and Dad, and then to be with Mike. I hope each of you have a very joyous celebration and amid the gifts, laughter, and family, remember that we are celebrating the birth of our Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ. 

It's been a very long time since I have seen Mike write
his name. What a precious gift and wonderful surprise
to open the card and find his signature. It almost looks
like it did pre-accident.  Oh, what joy!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Lots of Thanks Giving

1 Chronicles 16:34 (ESV)

Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;

    for his steadfast love endures forever!

Mike is doing so much better since Dr. B cut his medication in more than half. It is making a big difference compared to how he was a couple of months ago. While there on Thanksgiving day, he could move from the wheelchair to a chair or bed with assistance and was talking more also. What I really noticed was he could drink thin liquids without choking.

We watched some of the Macy's parade and then some of the Vikings football game. Mike was cheering for his team and wore his Vikings jacket in support. He and I enjoyed a private Thanksgiving dinner in The Parlor which is at the end of the hall with a TV where I can control the volume. (Very important to me!) We enjoyed a delicious traditional meal all prepared right there at The Harbor. They really do eat well. After we ate, the med tech came to give Mike his medication and said the kitchen staff had forgotten to put mashed potatoes on the plates! I had not even noticed. I really like stuffing, so hadn't missed them at all. Mike still tends to gorge so I fed him and me. He ate everything on his plate and since I eat slower I had to share mine too so that we finished at the same time. :-) There was a lot of food on the plate and way more than I could eat anyway. Then pumpkin pie arrived too. We were full, very full.

Keegan, Amy and the girls arrived about 3. Mike did hold Riley for a little bit and later we had a family coloring time with Aria. The highlight was when we were leaving and Mike said "I love you, Riley. I love you, Aria." It was very sweet and we thank the Lord that he was having such a good day when they were all there. Something that would not have been possible just a few weeks ago or even on certain days.

I'm glad to say that restaurants around the area were all closed in celebration of Thanksgiving day, but we were also thankful that Sheetz was open. After getting settled in the hotel, we ordered food from there. It worked out perfectly. Keegan picked up the food and we had supper in the privacy of the hotel breakfast area where Aria could be free to roam and Riley could kick and squirm on a blanket on the floor. They had been cooped up in tight car seats most of the day and needed the freedom. I am so thankful they made the trip and it truly was a very Happy Thanksgiving. 

Friday we returned to spend time with Mike, but it was an off day. He really had a difficult time breaking out of the oh/hum which is a little frightening for Aria and makes it hard to interact with him so we didn't stay long. It made us all the more thankful for the day before. After having lunch, we came back to the farm where Mom and Dad met Riley for the first time and enjoyed the rest of the weekend here. 

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving time with family and friends while counting your many blessings. I Timothy 6:8 says: "But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content." I know I for one have way more than food and clothing, so there is much to be thankful for and no reason not to be content.  

I love you and am so thankful for each of you and your love and prayers. May God bless you all.

Worship in Spirit & Truth

We're having a lovely
warm Fall.

My visit with Mike last week was more encouraging. He was definitely more alert and was scooting himself around in his wheelchair. He cannot coordinate using his arms to turn the wheels along with doing the walking motion with his feet, so just thrusts his upper body forward for momentum and then moves his feet along. It was good to see him mobile again, but I can see where he could fall out of the wheelchair rather easily.

I spoke with the head nurse about restraints, but that gets into a lot of government regulations and restrictions. I looked it up when I got home and I see what the government is trying to avoid: abuse & convenience for facility staff. However, I think if anyone spent a day or two in the facility they would see why Mike, as well as, others could benefit from a simple seat belt. As it is, it involves lots of paperwork and the facility has to prove that there is a definitive medical necessity in order to use restraints. Now I'd prefer that Mike stay in this type of wheelchair because he can at least be a little bit mobile, whereas if he's put in the high back wheelchair he will not be able to scoot around at all. Ugh...what a dilemma! Risk of falling out versus being able to motor around a bit on his own.

I was able to speak with Dr. B briefly on Wednesday and he is pleased that Mike is more alert and mobile and so is going to further reduce the Seroquel. Yay! The urine tests did not show any abnormalities so we still don't know why the albumin is low. The fluid pill is keeping the swelling down and they will do regular blood tests to keep an eye on everything.

Holding hands with
my hubby.

I left The Harbor about 3 and went and spent a couple of hours with Sandy and then returned to feed Mike supper. When I arrived, he was sitting at the table holding onto the wrist of the woman next to him. His grip is strong and so I got him to let go hoping he didn't leave a bruise. The woman told me that "someone needs to sit beside him. He thinks I'm his wife and I don't even live here!" I told her that I was his wife and she said, "Well he doesn't know that!" Ha! The woman proceeded to feed a man sitting beside her and I fed Mike not only his supper, but also a container of yogurt and a piece of coconut pie that my Mom had made. When he was finished, he looked over and saw that the man's plate was still full (the woman was feeding the man from her plate). Mike lunged across the table trying to grab the other man's plate. As the med tech said, "Mike's back!" :-)

All during supper Mike was doing his hum/oh and it makes it difficult for him to swallow. He could not communicate with me at all or stop the perseveration so I didn't stay long. I returned to Sandy's and we enjoyed talking and comparing our situations with each other. It is a blessing to talk with someone who totally understands how you feel and think. She is very kind to invite me to stay with her. Since she only lives 10 minutes away from where Mike is, it makes it a lot easier for me to see Mike more while I'm there. 

I returned Thursday morning and met the Encompass Home Health nurse, J. He is seeing Mike because Mike has developed sores on his heels. The nurse said the sores are healing and Mike is supposed to wear these big cushy boots at all times to take the pressure off of his heels. I  had trimmed his nails and rubbed lotion into his legs and feet on Wednesday and noticed how black the sores look. According to J that is due to medication/protectant that is being applied a couple of times a day. 

What a pleasure it was to meet J. When I spoke of how Mike used to get up at 4:30 every morning to spend time with the Lord, he said, "So Mike knows Jesus?" Absolutely! I loved what J said next. I know I won't get it exactly right, but J said what a wonderful thing that is, because even though Mike cannot communicate well with us, we are spiritual beings and God is spirit, so Mike and God are still able to communicate with each other from spirit to spirit. I had not thought of it like that and it is a beautiful truth. Mike is worshiping God in spirit and truth. I praise God for the encounter with J. 

John 4:21-24 (ESV)

21 Jesus said to her, “Woman, believe me, the hour is coming

when neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem will you worship the Father. 

22 You worship what you do not know; we worship what we know,

 for salvation is from the Jews. 

23 But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers 

will worship the Father in spirit and truth, 

for the Father is seeking such people to worship him. 

24 God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.” 

25 The woman said to him, “I know that Messiah is coming

(he who is called Christ). When he comes, he will tell us all things.” 

26 Jesus said to her, “I who speak to you am he.”

I fed Mike lunch and as he was eating, Jack from Stanardsville UMC walked in the door. I forgot to tell you what a source of encouragement Jack was during that week of October 12 (previous post). One or two days after that difficult visit, I received an email, for the first time, from Jack letting me know that he has been going to see Mike twice a week ever since the time that I met with him and the Pastor of SUMC. He wanted to make sure I knew that Mike had fallen. Of course, the staff could not disclose any information to him, but I so appreciated his concern and making sure that I knew. I had no way of knowing that he had been visiting and it gave me such joy to know that he is seeing Mike regularly and when he noticed that something wasn't right he contacted me. That email came at a perfect time to bring encouragement and know that Mike was not alone so much.  

Jack said he had really enjoyed watching the Olympics with Mike and that Mike was quite captivated by the games. I since have asked him if he would mind reading Mike's mail to him, because I seriously doubt that Mike is able to do it on his own and the staff do not do that. Now the receptionist holds Mike's mail until Jack comes by and reads it to him. I was glad that our paths crossed this visit and I was able to personally thank Jack for taking the time to visit Mike so regularly.

God really provided 3 people who blessed me abundantly during this latest visit. He is my great provider and never leaves me without hope and encouragement just when I need it.

Ephesians 3:20 (ESV)

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, 

according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church

and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

October 12

On Saturday morning October 8 I woke up at 5 AM and couldn't go back to sleep. I picked up my phone and saw that I had missed a call from The Harbor at 11:37 PM. Never a good sign. I called immediately, but had to wait until the head nurse came in to find out the details. When I was able to speak with the head nurse, I found out that Mike had fallen out of the wheelchair onto his face. It appeared he had broken his nose again and had a couple of scratches. By this time, it was mid-morning and she said Mike had eaten a good breakfast and his behavior was his norm.

The nurse and I had a long talk and she started telling me how much they loved Mike and that she brought her dog to specifically visit him one day. Then she said that just the week before, Mike was reading the Bible out loud to the other residents in the dining room and then said a prayer. She had never even heard him say a complete sentence before and this brought her to tears. Her stories helped ease the anxiety in my own heart and mind and brought a smile as I imagined the scenes.

Earlier that week, I had received a call from the Physical Therapist saying she would have to discharge Mike on Thursday because he was not showing any signs of improvement in walking and actually wouldn't even try. When I was talking with the nurse, she said Mike would just go limp when the PT tried to work with him. By now the swelling was down, they had checked his body thoroughly for signs of sores or other problems, but he had no interest in walking.

On Wednesday, October 12, my pastor's wife, Karen, and I drove up to see Mike and I wanted to be able to speak with the Doctor, as well. Mike looked rough. His nose definitely broken and his right eye black and blue. Behaviorally, he acted like he usually does. He talked some, did his perseverative "oh/hum", ate every bit of his lunch and even looked at Karen and said "What is her name?" It was a lovely day and we enjoyed sitting out in the courtyard with our Subway lunch. I'm so thrilled that Mike is back on a solid food diet! He still must be fed or monitored closely so that he will not take huge bites or just keep stuffing food into his mouth, but he is more content and so am I.

After lunch I wheeled Mike in to brush his teeth. It was not easy. His feet were down so that he could help motor the wheelchair, but he either couldn't remember to do it or just didn't want to move his feet. It would at least give him more movement, but I finally gave up and asked for the foot rests. While inside, Dr. B came in. While he tried to see if he could "pop" Mike's nose back into place, the nurse and I went out to the hall. The doctor did not want to cause undo trauma to Mike, so was not able to realign his nose. It would require putting Mike to sleep in order to correct the break and that seems like too much for him now.

At this point, the visit became very difficult. I asked Dr. B if he thought I should try to get Mike to an orthopedic doctor to see if he has a chipped bone or something that is making him not want to walk. As we talked, we came to the same conclusion as the nose. Even if there is a problem, how would Mike do with surgery? If it involved a knee or hip replacement, what's the point if Mike will not work with therapy? He could end up worse than he is now. Dr. B said he's been trying to figure out how to help Mike, but it all just seems to come around to the same thing. Without Mike being able to understand the benefit and participate in therapy/recovery, there isn't a lot we can do.

Then the real bottom dropped out. I asked if there was a better wheelchair for Mike so that he won't fall out so easily. The nurse said that therapy was recommending a high-backed wheelchair. It took my slow mind a bit to grasp what she was saying. I asked if she was talking about the ones I see in the dining room which are only used for those residents that are the worst off. She nodded. My heart sank. I fumbled for words and she mistook the reason assuring me that insurance would pay for it. Dr. B stood there listening and he recognized my grief and said "You're feeling that the chair is a step back, a decline." Yes, that was exactly it. I really appreciated the doctor's compassion and kindness and that he was really listening and paying attention to our conversation and it's effect on me.

The decline seems sudden and devastating. Dr. B feels that we are on a downward spiral. That possibly the brain is not able to handle all the bodily functions as well as it has been. Mike's albumin level is low although he eats really well, so now they are trying to find the cause. That explains the swelling, but not why the albumin is low. A urine sample was necessary to search for the cause and the nurse would have to use a catheter to get one.

After our conversation and while the CNA was putting Mike to bed, I went outside to inform Karen of the meeting and the tears came. When I got back to Mike's room, he was almost asleep. I sat in a chair by his bed and read portions of the Bible to him, sang a couple of hymns and then just laid my head on his chest and wept. He was oblivious. It was one of the sweetest times I've had with him since the accident. He often doesn't really want to be touched and I savored the chance to be close, feel his warmth and hear his strong heartbeat.

I was so thankful to have Karen with me as I was a bit of a mess. She drove us home and then we were on our way to the church supper and revival. It was good to have the distractions.

October has had a lot of distractions which has been a gift from God. Revival ran from October 10-14 with excellent preaching by a Baptist minister, the joy of singing old-time favorite hymns, and the beautiful harmony of a wonderful Mennonite men's quartet - all in our little United Methodist Church. What a combination. It was wonderful!

The Farm Fall Festival here at Richlands Dairy Farm ran the last 4 weekends of October and we had record numbers in this the 3rd year. It was a very busy and fun time for those of us who work and live here, plus the families that came seemed to really enjoy every aspect of the event. (corn maze, hay ride, farm tour, petting zoo, kids zone, face painting, pumpkin patch and concessions) I tried to keep the mums watered in the warmer-than-usual October, plus helped make hamburger patties, homemade caramel apples, desserts & bread, plus a Brunswick stew. I worked in Concessions along with other family members and really enjoyed being part of the festival. The farm crew gave tours during the week for large groups, so they are really exhausted.

I haven't been back to see Mike and he continued to have a rough time throughout the rest of October. I received a call on October 15 that Mike had cellulitis. Later that week the nurse told me that having to cath Mike had been traumatic and then the lab threw away the specimen saying it wasn't marked properly. The following weekend she did it again and personally took the sample to the lab. This Saturday I received a call that Mike had fallen out of his wheelchair again. The new one has not come in yet.

I spoke with the nurse today and she said the lab results were back, but she did not have them with her at the time. I'm planning to go tomorrow, so will find out the results then and ask about tying Mike into the wheelchair. I don't think they like to restrain the residents in that way, but to me that seems better than him falling out of the chair.

Mike has been sleeping a lot and due to that, the marked decline, and the fact that he is not a behavior problem anymore, Dr. B started reducing Mike's medication. YAY! This is an answer to a long-time prayer and desire of mine. In the past 3 weeks, he has reduced both the seroquel and the depakote and the nurse said Mike is a little bit more alert.

With all that's been going on, I haven't done any writing the past few weeks. I hope to get back to my other blogs by the weekend. Sometimes I wonder where the days go. They get filled up and pass quickly. This one has too. Good night!

I Had a Dream

I had a dream last night that Mike and I were walking side-by-side and quietly talking together. In my dream I sensed that he was walking and talking healthily even though I could only see from his shoulders up and couldn't hear our conversation. The one line I heard was when I said to Mike, "You are so much better!" and then he turned his head toward me and smiled.

Hope never dies.

If you remember from last month's post, Mike was having a great deal of swelling in his lower extremities. Dr. B was slowly increasing the fluid pill, then had an echocardiogram and Doppler imaging done. Mike's heart is fine and no blood clots were found so we have no idea where the sudden swelling came from. It is much better, but not completely gone. Due to the swelling, Mike was not able to walk as much as he had been, then he became mostly wheelchair bound.

Last week I spent several hours with Mike and thankfully my visit happened to coincide with the Physical Therapist's visit. She is working with Mike twice a week trying to get him mobile again. We walked down the hall and halfway back up before Mike needed to sit. She had a gait belt around his waist, he was using the walker, and I was following behind with the wheelchair. He did fairly well, but was much more bent than he was previously. It's times like this when I really wish I lived close enough to go for an hour a day, to help him regain his mobility. The Harbor just doesn't have enough staff to spare two people to walk with him each day.

A real praise is that Dr. B put Mike back on solid foods!! This made me very happy! The staff had to feed him anyway since he tends to gorge, plus he was trying to grab rolls or other food off of plates near him. He does well with the solid foods as long as he's reminded to take small bites and eat slowly. Well, actually, as long as someone is limiting how much he takes in. At least it gets rid of the problem of grabbing other people's food!

While we played Yahtzee on the front porch, Mike smiled a couple of times and was adding the numbers on the dice correctly. As he tired, that became difficult and it was time to get his legs up too so we went inside. He laid down with a book to read which always seems to bring contentment.

*************************

Would you say an extra prayer for me, please?  I've been having what I think is increased anxiety (panic attacks?) that randomly hit. I'm also frustrated with my time and food management. Mike was always so disciplined and such a routine kind of guy. He helped keep me on track. He was also the bold one that would forge the way in new circumstances. Now I'm stepping out of my comfort zone not only in writing, but also at church and in trying to reach out to others. I believe it's what the Lord wants me to do, but I'm still hesitant and unsure and most probably way too inward focused.

I know when God leads, He also equips and provides. I just need to make sure that knowledge moves to all areas of my mind, emotions and heart, plus keep the focus on Jesus where it belongs. Why is it so easy to say that, yet so much harder to practice?  I feel like Paul - "Oh, what a wretched [wo]man I am!" Thankfully Paul goes on to say that God delivers us from this body through Jesus Christ our Lord!!

Romans 7:21-25

So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 

For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 

What a wretched man I am! 

Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 

Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, 

but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.