Do You Trust God? Part II

"If you pray that God will move a mountain and He doesn't,

assume Christ wants you to climb it instead and see Him transfigured.

God, please don't let me be the kind of person to whom You can say, 

'Unless you see miraculous signs and wonders,

you will never believe'."

Beth Moore/John 4:48

Do we seek Jesus more, as much as, or less than we seek things from Him? Do we view Him as the one to go to when we need something or do we simply desire to sit at His feet and be with Him? Are we able to quiet our spirit and racing thoughts so that we can hear His Holy Spirit and thus align our will to His? Are we so busy asking for a miracle that we fail to see the Miracle Worker? Have we become discouraged by the mountain or become complacent in the valley instead of putting one hard step in front of the other to climb with Jesus and experience new heights of understanding and new depths of closeness with our Lord? Does the prayer have to be answered only in the way we imagine in order for us to believe that God hears us?

Psalm 131

My heart is not proud, Lord,

    my eyes are not haughty;

I do not concern myself with great matters

    or things too wonderful for me.

But I have calmed and quieted myself,

    I am like a weaned child with its mother;

    like a weaned child I am content.

Israel, put your hope in the Lord

    both now and forevermore.

A weaned child - content to just be with their mother, trusting that she will provide whatever is needed at the proper time. The MacArthur Study Bible says: "David has been trained to trust God to supply his needs as a weaned child trusts his mother." This tells me that, no matter the circumstances or difficulties that come into our lives, we can find contentment by spending time with our Lord Jesus and trusting Him to provide exactly what is needed. We all know that needs are different from wants. None of us want pain, suffering, trials, persecution, sickness, etc. Yet, if we try to shortcut and avoid all pain, difficulties, and struggles, or try to get around the mountain when He is calling us to climb it, I believe we miss out on what we actually need to grow in our dependence on God and the richness of close communion with our Heavenly Father. When we find that we are able to enter His presence, calm, and quiet ourselves in the midst of the raging battle and be content to go wherever He is going, the struggles lose their power to overwhelm or defeat us because we are with Him. Then it's not about us at all, it's all about Jesus and accepting His perfect will for our lives.

Recently I was talking with a friend who shared that one of her favorite images of Jesus is one where He is sitting with little children around Him and one child is on His lap. She said there are times when she just imagines herself crawling up onto Jesus' lap just to be close to Him and how it is especially comforting during rough times. I love that! When all around is turmoil and uncertainty, we may always "crawl onto the lap" of our blessed Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ. In His embrace is security and serenity and the more we are with Him, the more we trust that His will and way are the best. Whether it's climbing a mountain of difficulty or losing a husband to TBI or losing a child, we discover that we certainly "can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". (Philippians 4:13)

Nancy Guthrie definitely understands that God's will is often not our will as she mourned the loss of 2 babies within the first 6 or 7 months of their lives. In her book Holding on to Hope she states it this way: "Often, I see the body of Christ put so much into pursuing God for healing. With great boldness and passion and persistence, we cry out to God, begging for physical healing. And in these prayers, there is often a tiny P.S. added at the end where we say, 'If it be your will.' But shouldn't we switch that around? Shouldn't we cry out to God with boldness and passion and persistence in a prayer that says, 'God, would you please accomplish your will? Would you give me a willing heart to embrace your plan and your purpose? Would you mold me into a vessel that you can use to accomplish what you have in mind?' And then, perhaps, we could add a tiny P.S. that says, 'If that includes healing, we will be grateful.' Isn't real faith revealed more through pursuing God and what he wants than through pursuing what we want? ....Rather than running from your suffering or trying to pray it away, would you embrace it and look for God in it? ....Would you hold tight to the truth that there is no meaningless suffering for a child of God (emphasis mine), and would you refuse to allow pain to be wasted in your life?"

"A willing heart". Everyday, we need to do a "heart check". Today is my heart willing and open to what the still, small voice of God's Holy Spirit is speaking to me or am I in self-mode, Martha-mode, what's popular mode or running on auto-pilot off of Sunday's worship service? Have I bowed my knee and will to Jesus today? Am I pliable in His hands every moment of every day? Am I giving up the things I want daily?

Luke 9:23-25 (NCV)

Jesus said to all of them, “If people want to follow me, 

they must give up the things they want. 

They must be willing to give up their lives daily to follow me. 

Those who want to save their lives will give up true life. 

But those who give up their lives for me will have true life. 

It is worthless to have the whole world if they themselves are destroyed or lost.

I desire to have that "true life", I don't want to waste the pain in my life, if God can use it for His glory. I want my "wants" to become God's wants. I want this trial, with all of it's pain, anxiety, despair, and pressure, to catapult me into new depths of love, trust, devotion, and risk for Jesus Christ. I want to know and to submit to His will for me, no matter the difficulties that come along the way. I want to be faithful to the Lord who has been so very faithful to me and trust that as I seek His face, He will show me the way He has for me. And above all, I want to reflect my Master and glorify His precious name. Jesus.

Philippians 3:8b-14 (NCV)

I think that all things are worth nothing compared with the greatness
 of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. Because of him, I have lost all those things,
 and now I know they are worthless trash. This allows me to have Christ and to belong to him.
Now I am right with God, not because I followed the law, 
but because I believed in Christ. God uses my faith to make me right with him.
I want to know Christ and the power that raised him from the dead. 

I want to share in his sufferings and become like him in his death. 

Then I have hope that I myself will be raised from the dead.

I do not mean that I am already as God wants me to be. 

I have not yet reached that goal, but I continue trying to reach it 

and to make it mine. Christ wants me to do that, which is the reason 

he made me his. Brothers and sisters, I know that I have not yet reached that goal, 

but there is one thing I always do. Forgetting the past and straining toward 

what is ahead, I keep trying to reach the goal and get the prize 

for which God called me through Christ to the life above.

I know that I am not yet what God wants me to be and I don't want to run away from the path he has for me. I want to persevere. I want to know Christ, the power that raised Him from the dead, and become like Him in His death. He was totally submitted to God and died a horrible death. He totally trusted His Father and was raised with power.

The goal seems a long way off, but I want to keep straining toward what God has ahead for me here on this earth and continue to look forward to that time when all pain and suffering will be a thing of the past when I see Him face to face in eternity. Obviously, God has not chosen to remove the TBI mountain, but we are assured that healing awaits Mike when he sees Jesus face to face in the life above. That is power and will be complete healing forever. No more falls, no more confusion, no more pain, no more suffering, no more tears or sadness. Oh what a day that will be!

Revelation 21:4 (NCV)

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, 

and there will be no more death, sadness, crying, or pain, 

because all the old ways are gone.”

In September, I had the privilege of a weekend in Raeford, NC with our former Sunday School teacher and her husband. What a wonderful time of rest and heart-sharing with a precious woman of God. Her husband had to work most of the time, but it was also a blessing to get to know him a bit better. They were both so hospitable and made me feel right at home. On my way from Stanardsville to Raeford, I had been anxious about Mike and the evening agitation he experiences. That morning I was undecided as to whether I should go back to The Harbor before heading to NC, but it would have added a lot of time to the day and really all I needed to do was speak with the nurse and doctor. Thankfully, I didn't let my anxiety dictate what to do, but instead lifted the burden to the Lord. I drove about one hour toward North Carolina and then stopped to call the nurse. I asked her to have the doctor call me and he did in just a couple of minutes! He listened to my concerns and made a couple of adjustments in Mike's medication which I told you about previously.

Anyway....as I continued driving down the road, I passed a sign (see photo) that said "Tightsqueeze". It gave me a laugh to think that a place was named that and it was so fitting to how I felt that morning that I did a U-turn so I could take a picture. Not 20 minutes later, I passed what looked like a used car lot and in HUGE letters across the top of their building was the following:  "NOT I, BUT CHRIST!"  I wish I had done another U-turn to get that photo, but alas, I didn't. I'd already stopped twice and thought I'd never get to my destination if I kept making U-turns. 

It was such a lesson from God to me that rainy Friday. Why do I worry and get anxious and in a tight squeeze when I can go to the source of peace and calmness at any moment? There really was nothing I could do for Mike except speak with the doctor. When I calmed my anxious thoughts and spoke with God, He spoke truth to my heart. Then in a humorous way there were signs along my path to remind me that when I'm in a tight squeeze I just need to remember that it's "Not I, but Christ!" He will guide and direct, if I trust Him and seek Him. His will is perfect and He is always available. I just need to walk with Him or crawl into His lap.  That I'm allowed to do that is miracle enough for me. I love you, Jesus.

Hello Changes, Goodbye Haldol

Hello Changes

I really have been working on Part II of the "Do You Trust God?", but have been distracted by many projects and changes lately. About a month ago, I was experiencing increased stress and anxiety. My Mom was not feeling real well and I desired to be home more to help her and Daddy, plus be with & advocate more for Mike. Working at the dentist office was stressful for me also. I felt scattered in too many directions and was having trouble focusing. I have also sensed that God is developing me as a writer and that I'm supposed to write more, but it takes a concerted effort for me to get still, read, pray, and get words down on "paper".  I am a "Martha" more than a "Mary" and like seeing projects completed. Writing takes a lot of time!

In the past few months, there have been times when I sensed I was supposed to write about a certain thing, didn't sit down and do it, and then when I did finally go to the computer, the words were gone. That made me uncomfortable. It's as though God was giving me a word to share, I didn't do it in a timely manner, and so He took it away. I don't want to miss God's will for me and have to figure out a schedule that permits time to write. I can't blame anyone else, it's all me. I love to dig in the dirt, planting flowers, and keeping weeds out so everything looks pretty. I also greatly enjoy being of assistance to Mom and Dad, travelling to be with Mike, and setting up the Media Shout for church. These things all have a more immediate form of satisfaction; however, I've found that when I do get a blog post done like the "Do You Trust in God?", I am exhilarated and want to share more of what I'm learning.

Tracey gave me a book called Upside: The New Science of Post-Traumatic Growth. I haven't read much yet, but the author, Jim Rendon, talks about how trauma and stress can cause new and positive changes in people's lives and how stress causes us to look for a solution.  As I looked at my stress, I saw that I could do something about being with Mom & Dad and Mike more if I let go of the stress of the paying job. So, after prayer and talking with family and friends, I have let go of working at the dentist's office so that I'm more available to Mike, Mom & Dad, and hopefully I will be more diligent in writing. This has decreased my anxiety level, so is a change that is benefiting me also. Not just in the anxiety area, but I believe it is how God has gifted me. I find my greatest joy in serving and helping others, plus sharing about Jesus. There's nowhere I would rather be than right here with Mom and Dad and being with Mike. I am comfortable in behind-the-scenes positions; however, God often calls us out of our comfort zones.

Our Sunday School class has been studying John Ortberg's book "If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat." I never cared for writing. English was my least favorite subject, especially grammar. So to think about being a writer, is scary. I don't feel like a writer, but I find that when I obey that still small voice and sit down at the computer, the words just come. So, I'm starting to stick my toe in the water and risk getting out of my comfort zone. I am researching ways to write short articles or devotional type blogs online and even ways to possibly make some money through these avenues. This is also out of my comfort zone (to make money while sharing about Jesus). Paul talks about this in I Corinthians 9, so I will see how God leads in that regard. Eventually, I'll also pursue getting our story turned into a book, but that seems too overwhelming currently.

Please pray that I will be sensitive to the guidance of the Holy Spirit and not squander the time I am given. I think it is especially hard for me when I see everyone working so hard physically on the farm and it's how I grew up. If we were sitting around reading or not looking productive, Daddy always found something for us to do! (He's still good at that!) :-) I'm trying to learn to walk to the "beat of a different drummer" amidst the busyness of a working dairy farm where there is always a lot of activity and projects and weeding and watering and trimming and...you get the picture. I have to remind myself often of my counselor's words: "Not my circus, not my monkeys." It's not my job to try to help EVERYWHERE there is a need. I also find myself thinking I deserve a night off to just vegetate in front of the TV if I've had a really busy day or am just tired. Not that it's necessarily bad occasionally, but I don't want to get into the habit. Again, seeking the Holy Spirit's guidance as to the best use of my time, not being lazy or procrastinating. I want to do His will for me.

A few weeks ago I had a sudden revelation. It dawned on me that when I prayed I always asked for God's will to be done in Mike's and my life as though God had one will for the two of us. Suddenly I realized that I cannot live out God's will for Mike's life! I can only live out God's will for my life! Yes, I love Mike and I am his wife and guardian and have to make many decisions for him, but I cannot live his life for him or only do things in my life because they benefit Mike. I must follow the path that God has laid out for me, and trust God to work out His will in Mike's life. We are still connected, but we are also still two different individuals. This realization was so freeing for me and helped me decide to step out of the boat and take a God-sized risk.

Goodbye Haldol

Dr. B has taken Mike off of the last bit of the anti-psychotic drug, Haldol. Yay! The Seroquel has been increased, but it is supposed to be a milder anti-psychotic. I went up Wednesday afternoon and spent almost all day last Thursday and half a day on Friday with Mike. To be honest, he doesn't look real well. He does have a chest cold and I think all of the falls have taken a real toll on his body. Physically he has declined in the last year. His left leg was weakened by the accident and he seems to be having more trouble with it now. We try to make sure he walks with the walker or scoots around in the wheelchair, but because he is so impulsive, it is hard to always monitor his activity. 

I pushed him in the wheelchair up by the rehab facility.
He helped get up the hill by using his feet.

We played Yahtzee in the afternoon, and he beat me 369 to 287. Thursday afternoon, I took him for a short drive up to Lydia Mountain. He did well, but since it was shortly before supper, he didn't want to do too much exploring. By supper time, I think he is brain fatigued and loses the ability to break out of the repetitive "o" or humming sounds. He is much more subdued which makes him easier to handle, but is also difficult to see since he was such an active guy.

This brings me to the other GODincident. Way back in June, a friend from church, Lisa, sent me an email about a God-encounter she had while on their family vacation. Her youngest daughter started playing with another little girl at the beach and then the parent's started talking and later the 2 moms went to pick up pizza so that they could all eat together. As they talked and learned about each other, the other lady, C, said that she was a Brain Injury Specialist, Lisa felt a quickening of her spirit and knew that the Holy Spirit was at work. Lisa told her about Mike and in God's amazing ways had connected Lisa with C, a Brain Injury Specialist, who only lives 10 minutes from The Harbor!

C and I have sent text messages back and forth and phone tagged each other several times over the past few months, but our schedules had never meshed. I had sent her a text last week letting her know when I would be in town, but again her schedule was full during that time. Evidently after my October 8th post, Lisa called or sent a text to C to ask if she could meet with me, so Friday morning I received a text from C saying she had a little time that morning, if I could meet with her. We made it happen and I am quite impressed with her knowledge of the brain and the success stories she relayed to me from other brain injury and stroke cases. 

Her treatment is an alternative to traditional medicine and makes so much sense to me. I don't begin to understand what she really does, but the way she described it to me was "like acupuncture, but without the needles". She uses pressure points in strategic areas of the body that correspond to the different neurotransmitters to increase the communication across the brain. (I have no idea if I'm saying that right.) Anyway, she is going to send me the intake papers and then we will figure out the logistics of getting Mike started on the treatments. She believes 2 hour sessions would be best and that it will take approximately 20 hours total. Currently she works in Orange, but will soon have an office on her property. She was willing to come to The Harbor to work with him, if they have a room, but I'm not sure that is going to work out. 

Last Wednesday, as I was packing to head to Stanardsville, I received a call from the Speech Therapist who has been working with Mike. It wasn't real good news. Unfortunately, Mike will cooperate and work well with her when they are at the Rehab facility, but will not do the same things when he is at The Harbor whether with her or one of the other staff. It sounds all too familiar. Mike could act so much better when we were at church, or with a group of people than he could at home. There is something in Mike that makes him want to go, plus he thrives on the undivided attention. Due to the fact that he is not showing any forward progress in his day-to-day eating habits, she had to discharge him from therapy. The goal is to get him to slow down when he eats, chew his food, and swallow before putting more in his mouth so that he can go back on solid foods and thin liquids.

When sharing about these struggles with C, she knew what part of the brain was damaged and believes with treatment we can see improvement. I figure we don't have anything to lose by trying. Saturday I received the following text message from C: "Glad we could meet. I know some of the folks from the church you connected with here. They contacted me last night to see if I could help him, as well. Several have been clients in the past. They are good people." I believe God is in the midst of this and connecting the dots. I mean, how cool is it that from two "chance" (Not Really!) encounters we are connected with a church and a brain injury specialist all within 10 minutes of Mike, I met them both in two days, and then people from the church contact C about Mike also!! It was all just a matter of God's timing. Now we pray and keep moving, trusting the Lord to continue to make the path clear. All praise to our awesome God!

Thank you, my precious prayer warriors! 

Totally a GODincident!!

Philippians 4:5-7 (NRSV)

Let your gentleness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. 

Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication

 with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, 

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

This morning, I spent a few hours with Mike and after his lunch, he was ready for a nap. Previously, there was nowhere in Stanardsville to eat so I would drive out to Rt. 29 which is about 10-15 minutes away. A few visits ago, one of the staff told me that there is now a little restaurant in Stanardsville that is open for lunch, so today I decided to check it out. It's called The Greene Eatery (is in Greene County). A cute little place that serves soups, salads, and sandwiches. It was such a lovely day that I decided to eat outside on their front porch. The porch was small with about 6 tables-for-two. I chose a table, sat down with my drink, and began reading my book while I waited for my spinach salad and tomato bisque soup. Right beside me was a younger couple. It was hard not to hear what they were saying since it was so cozy out there. 

First I heard them give thanks to God for their food and the Holy Spirit whispered to me to ask them if they were connected with a church nearby that might be interested in volunteering with Mike. My food arrived and I prayed and summoned my courage to interrupt their conversation.  Then I heard them talking about how fun it was to eat outside and that they should do it more often. One of them mentioned that Stonefire Kitchen had outdoor seating and wondered if it was any good. I've stopped there several times, so jumped right in, apologized for eavesdropping and told them it was really good. And...since I've already interrupted you, I noticed that you thanked God for your food. Do y'all live around here and go to a local church? Yes. 

So I blurt out my situation and request. They were very gracious and then the man tells me that he is the pastor of Gateway Church and hands me his card!!  I had seen their sign on Rt. 33 and had written the name down as one to call regarding volunteers, but just hadn't gotten my nerve up to call. It's also the church that I had hoped we could take Mike to when our friends from Canada were here. I am so thankful that God intervened and helped me be bold!! I'm trying to be more obedient to His still small voice, no matter how uncomfortable I may be. What a blessing! Anyway the Pastor said he would ask the men of his church and I really believe that God is up to something beneficial for Mike. Prayers appreciated!

I have 2 other blog posts in the works, have just been sidetracked lately. As for now, it's time for bed. I love you! Jesus loves you a whole lot more! :-)

Therapy

It's one of those nights....2:00 a.m. - can't sleep.

Mike working on math
worksheets.

Great visit with our friends,
Dan & Kaylynn.

First, I want to share a couple of photos that I forgot to share previously. Mike's chin looks like it has a big bloody spot on it, but it is actually a piece of tissue covering a small razor nick - looked worse than it was.

Second, I just updated the "Encourage One Another" post due to a couple of mistakes I didn't catch the first time. (a "their" where it should have been "they are" and VCU should have been UVA) 

Third, I will continue the "Do You Trust God?" post, but it's time to catch you up on what's happening with Mike in this one. 

Two posts ago I was telling you about all the missionary visits and that I was waiting on our friends from Canada. I really enjoyed being able to spend time with Gert & Elke, but unfortunately both days that they saw Mike were not his best ones. If you remember, Mike had a great day with me the Friday before they arrived on Saturday. However, Mike never acknowledged that he knew Gert & Elke and did very little conversing while they were there. They were OK with it, but I knew how much better he could be, so fretted and wished he could have enjoyed their visit more. 

He was more subdued and quiet on that Saturday and I thought maybe he was just tired from doing so much on Friday. We did take him out to McDonald's for a burger and milkshake in the late afternoon and he did alright. On Sunday there was no way I wanted to try to take him anywhere. He seemed over-sedated and needed assistance walking. This was the Sunday before his birthday, so we just went out on the patio. We had brought his gifts, balloons and his favorite dessert - cheesecake. He opened his gifts and we played a few games of Yahtzee which Gert & Elke gave him. He really liked Yahtzee and shaking the dice in the cups. 

That night, I emailed the director with my concerns and on Monday I returned to check on Mike before heading home. He seemed a little bit better and we played more games of Yahtzee. Over the next couple of weeks, Mike had more falls, plus choked on a sandwich due to stuffing too much in his mouth and not chewing thoroughly. On 9/4 my brother-in-law, Tom, and I took Mike to the dentist and he did really well. The hygienist was really great with him and would take breaks whenever he seemed to need it. Afterwards we asked him what he wanted to eat for lunch and got the standard reply - a hamburger. McDonald's was right across the street and since it was almost 2:00 we were all hungry. 

Back at The Harbor, Tom went to work assembling a desk and chair we were putting in Mike's room while Mike and I played Yahtzee on the front porch. As long as I have known Mike, he always got up early, sat at the kitchen table, and had his time with the Lord. I had received permission to remove his chest of drawers and put the desk in it's place. Most of Mike's clothes were in the wardrobe anyway and I thought this might help Mike return to something familiar, plus have a spot of his own where it is quiet to read, journal, write letters, etc. Mike wanted to sit at the desk immediately when we returned to his room.

The next morning, he wouldn't even go to the dining room for breakfast. He wanted to sit at his desk. While I was glad he liked the desk, I asked the staff to at least give him a Boost to drink if he refused to go to the dining room to eat. Bringing his tray in there would just be messy. I brought Subway sandwiches for our lunch that day, and had to hold Mike's sandwich so that he would not just stuff it in his mouth. With repeated verbal cues, he began to slow down and be more patient.

The following Sunday and Monday nights, I received calls saying that Mike was found on the floor. No one had seen him fall. Tuesday I called Dr. L, the psychiatrist, and voiced my concerns about his medication, plus emailed Jane, the director. Dr. L encouraged me to speak with the MD, Dr. B, since he is there weekly and she's only there monthly, but said she would speak with The Harbor staff and the MD herself, as well. By Wednesday afternoon, I had received a call from the head nurse telling me that Dr. B had listened to my concerns and was making a medication change. I hope it helps, but no guarantees.

I am SO THANKFUL for D the new Nursing Director/Head Nurse. After our meeting a few weeks ago, she requested that OT, ST, & PT re-evaluate Mike for services. This past week, both Speech and Physical therapy evaluated Mike and started working with him. D even took Mike over to the Rehab facility next door and he was able to use the exercise equipment. She said he did fantastic, knew exactly how to use the equipment and seemed to enjoy the opportunity even though he tired quickly. The therapist also worked with Mike using a walker and he did well, so we are going to see if he can do well with it on his own too. I'll take his walker up this coming Thursday.

Friday I received a call from the Speech Therapist, B. She had just had a session with Mike and was very pleased. She said he did much better than he did on the day she evaluated him. He followed instructions to eat slowly and put the spoon down between mouthfuls. He has been put on a pureed diet and thickened liquids. This is a step backwards and I believe at least partly due to the over-medication or wrong-medication-for-him issue which slowed all of his physical movements down.  I hate that he's having to go through all of this again, but hope that we are on the upswing. I am encouraged by the interventions.

As always, thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Also, thank you to everyone who sent Mike a card for his birthday. It means a lot to us.

The other morning as I was praying for Mike, I paraphrased a verse I sort of remembered about sustaining him and restoring him from his bed of illness. As I prayed, I made a mental note to look the Scripture up later.  I opened my Bible, turned to the Psalms and "randomly" turned to Psalm 41. When I got to verse 3, I had to laugh and praise God! There it was: The Lord will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his bed of illness. What a mighty God we serve! He's always listening and attentive to His children. Go and worship Him with fellow believers this day. He loves you so.

Do You Trust God?

Part I

Over the past few months, there has been a topic that has surfaced in conversations, devotionals, on Facebook, during a counseling session, and in books that I am reading. I’ve been trying to condense my writing about it into one post, but it’s not going to happen; there’s just too much to share. I do not claim or pretend to be a Bible scholar, teacher or preacher, and I have not heard the audible voice of God. I didn’t even go in search of answers or information on this topic. It seems it “found” me through various avenues and resources one on top of the other in a steady flow. This is simply my thoughts and experiences, coupled with what I have been reading in both the Bible and other books. You may not agree with me and that is OK, I wouldn’t have agreed with me in the not too distant past either. What follows is what I believe God is teaching me about His sovereignty.

A few months ago, a friend sent me the book A Small Cup of Light by Ben Palpant. The following statement challenged me and sent me on a search: “Fear not,” he (God) said, “I am carrying you into the darkness.” This was what Palpant believed God was telling him as he went through a very difficult physical and mental struggle. Another quote: “…..the peace that passes understanding enveloping me in my utter brokenness, and I celebrate a God who will do whatever He must to draw us near to Himself.”

When I shared some of this with a trusted friend, she was taken aback and strongly disagreed that God would carry anyone “into the darkness” or that God would be the one to cause suffering. For as it says in:

I John 1:5 (NCV)

Here is the message we have heard from Christ and now announce to you:

 God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all.

I came home and looked up all the Scripture passages about darkness and light. After reading through these Scriptures, my understanding is that wherever God is there is light.

I believe I’ve shared the following story before, but it helps with the darkness and light illustration so I will share it again. About 20 years ago, Mike and I were going through rough times in our marriage, finances were very tight, and then I got sick with a bad chest cold. I was miserable. One Sunday afternoon I clearly remember going upstairs to our bedroom, getting on my knees by the bed, and saying “God! If this is life with you, then I don’t need you!” in a split second, it was as if God said OK, I’ll go, and in that teeny, tiny moment He allowed me to experience the deepest, darkest, indescribably blackest, most nothingness that I could have never imagined. It was but a blink, but I immediately cried out “Oh God! Please don’t leave me!” and just as quickly the light returned and I was wrapped in the warm embrace of my loving heavenly Father and I will NEVER doubt that He is with me again. My circumstances had not changed, but my view had drastically changed. In His wisdom, He allowed me to have a very small glimpse of what it would be like without His presence in my life and it would have been a bazillion times worse than my situation at that time. I share this again to say that as a child of God, even though the experiences I have here may feel and seem awfully dark, with God by my side there is always light and I have nothing to fear because I know I can trust Him.  I like how The Message words Psalm 27:1

Light, space, zest—that’s God! 

So with Him on my side I’m fearless, afraid of no one and nothing.

I also believe that having had that experience many years ago, is the reason that I have not doubted that God has been with us throughout these past 3+ years. Did God send those trials and give me that experience to prepare me for this rougher road that He knew was coming? I don’t know for sure, but again, I trust Him. A lot of people have a hard time believing that our loving God would intentionally bring a difficulty to His children. One night as I pondered and prayed over all of this and tried to wrap my mind around how my good God, (in whom there is no darkness at all and who is not tempted by evil, who is Holy, Holy, Holy in all His ways) could in any way “hurt” His beloved child, the following memory came to mind: This event occurred when our boys were small. At the time, I was babysitting a little girl full-time and sometimes I had other children on a part-time basis. This particular afternoon, we had decided to walk a few blocks to our favorite pizza place. I was walking pulling one or two children in a wagon, Caleb was riding his 2 wheel bike and Keegan was riding his tricycle. We made it to Donato’s just fine and then started back home. To get home, we had to cross a very busy 4 lane road before getting onto the residential street. As we neared the corner where the street light was, Keegan was slightly ahead of me and oblivious to all the dangerous traffic. Not only that, but the sidewalk sloped down for the cross walk and his tricycle picked up speed. There was no time for verbal warnings - seeing that my child was in serious danger of rolling right out into the busy street, I grabbed him by the arm and jerked him off of his tricycle just before he hit the street. Did I hurt him? Probably. Did I scare him? Most definitely! Did he understand why I treated him that way? No. Did he realize what could have happened? Not at all! He was too little to understand. He had just been pedaling along his merry way without a care in the world.

When I was sharing this story with our dear friends Dan & Kaylynn, Dan pointed out another correlation in my story. He noted that when I jerked Keegan off of his tricycle, I pulled him to myself. That’s what God does. No matter what the trial, pain, loss, or difficulty He is always drawing us to Himself. He always desires a closer relationship with us. I know for myself that it’s been through the rough roads that I have felt His presence more, seen my own pride, selfishness, and waywardness more, and desired to change and to be more fully His. It was not when I was merrily pedaling along. At those times He was still there, I just didn’t stay as close to Him or see that I needed Him as much.

I know how much I love my children and it pales in comparison to how much God loves His children. He sees so much more than I do and He has my best in His mind. How foolish of me to think that I know what is best, or that I know what God is thinking, or that I should be able to understand what He is doing. He is God and I am not! Is it too far-fetched to believe that sometimes in order to protect us from certain danger or to show us a better path, God has to jerk us up and out of our comfort, complacency, and satisfaction and place us on a new path? Even if it does scare us and hurt us and we don’t understand? Do I trust Him enough to know that it is for my best or the best of someone else?  I do not have to understand God, or His actions in order to trust Him, He does not have to explain anything to me. He does not owe me anything!

1 Corinthians 1:25 (NIV)

For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, 

and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.

If God needs to carry me through a temporary “fire” in order to save me or someone else from burning in hell for all eternity, then to me He is still a loving God. Plus I can be assured that He is right there with me the entire time. Even if I can’t see Him or feel Him, I know it’s true because that He has promised. 

Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; 

do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Just because something is hard or difficult in our lives does not mean that it is bad or evil. There is NO evil in God and He never promised that life here would always be smooth and easy. He told us that in this life we would have trials and tribulations, but He is with us and He is victorious!

John 16:33

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. 

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

Notice in the first quote from Palpant that he felt that God was “carrying” him into the darkness. Did you catch that? God was holding him close and walking through the “darkness” with him. Again, in my opinion, what felt like darkness to Palpant really wasn’t, because God was with him the entire time.

1 Corinthians 13:12 

(NIV) For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. 

Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

(MSG) We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

I don’t know where this quote came from, but I think Keegan told it to me. “Evil is the absence of the presence of God.” A few months ago I agreed with this statement, but just last week when I read it again, this is what I wrote below it: “That can’t be true or else God is not omnipresent! How much worse would a tragedy or violent assault be if God was not there at all! That is no comfort! I’d rather believe that ALL is in God’s control – even the extremely difficult, than to think He was absent and not there at all leaving me in Satan’s hands. No! I think a better statement would be: Evil is the absence of the presence of God within the person who is committing the evil act. Is this a difficult concept to grasp?  Absolutely! Do I understand how God can be in total control, yet we have “free will”, and that He allows the world to seemingly run out-of-control? No, I don’t understand, but you know what? I don’t have to understand. I just have to trust the one who created everything and made me. I have to trust that He has a plan that far exceeds anything I can even think about. I have to remember that He did not even spare His own Son, but allowed Him to be cruelly beaten and crucified for me because He loves me.

Romans 8 is packed with so much in regards to this subject. Of course, there is the well-known Romans 8:28 (NKJV)

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, 

to those who are the called according to His purpose.

It also speaks of how the flesh wars against the things of God. A lot of versions use “sin”, but when I read a different version that used “flesh”, it made it more personal and real to me. The word sin can seem removed or nebulous and it’s easy to read right over it, but when I read “flesh” it made me squirm. “Flesh”, those things that I want for myself, selfishness, my way, pride, what feels good to me, what I want.

Romans 8:5 & 16-18 (NKJV)

For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, 

but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. 

16-18 The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 

and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together. For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

It says we will suffer, and at the end of the chapter it lists many trials and distresses and says that none of those can separate us from the love of Christ!  This implies that we will go through tribulations, persecution, distress, perils, but not to worry because nothing can keep God’s love from us! He’s warned us that these difficult times will come, but stay strong in the Lord, persevere in His strength and love. Nothing is taking Him by surprise; His ultimate plan will prevail. Let others see Him in the way we handle trials and difficulties. Real faith can stand through whatever comes because as long as we are focusing on Christ Jesus, He will provide the strength needed and will either walk beside us or carry us through. He will never abandon His children.

Psalm 9:9-10 (NIV)

The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed,

A stronghold in times of trouble.

Those who know your name trust in you,

For you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.

Palpant’s story is one of a man changed by suffering and his “naked encounter with God”. One last Palpant quote: “He (Jesus) is after much more than happiness in our lives. He is after a sustaining joy and he will give us that joy by giving us himself, whether through the small gifts of life that bring us gladness or through the dark night of suffering.”

Two other books have been part of this theme that I believe God has brought me to in the past months. I will share some from those in future posts.

Holding On To Hope by Nancy Guthrie – I’ll be looking at the part where she talks about God’s will and our submission.

The Call to Joy & Pain by Ajith Fernando – This book was sent to me way back in October of 2012 from a missionary that I don’t even know. At the time, when I tried to read it I couldn’t handle it. It seemed like Greek to me. Several weeks ago I picked it up and oh, what a blessing! God’s timing is amazing.

What this boils down to, for me, is: God is in control and totally trustworthy even when I don’t understand. He also gives joy in the midst of sorrow and suffering which I don’t understand either, but have experienced. Whether a difficulty is from His hand directly, or He’s allowed Satan to have his way, or I’ve chosen freely, God is in control and I trust Him to work it all out for good because He said He would for those who love Him.

To Be Continued...

Encourage One Another

Hebrews 10:23-25

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess,

For he who promised is faithful. And let us

consider how we may spur one another on toward love

and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together,

As some are in the habit of doing,

but let us encourage one another—and all the more

as you see the Day approaching.

Due to Mike’s broken nose emergency, I missed the opportunity to write about a very special visit that occurred the week before his fall. Way back in the 1980’s :-), when we were in Palau, Dan & Kaylynn Mills, who are with Campus Crusade for Christ (now CRU), were also there. They are currently serving in New Zealand and Papua New Guinea where they have been for over 16 years. This summer they were home for a couple of months furlough and included a trip to our area to visit with Mike and me. What a blessing their visit was to me! I felt like I had received a cup of cold water for my thirsty soul all the way from New Zealand. Just like Proverbs 25:25 says: Like cold water to a weary soul is good news from a distant land.

They arrived on Thursday night (at the farm) where we enjoyed supper with Mom and Dad, a brief walking tour of the farm before dark, and I even put Kaylynn to work helping me peel and cut up cucumbers to get them ready to make cinnamon pickles. (they are delicious, by the way!) While we worked, the three of us talked and shared and encouraged one another with what the Lord has been teaching us and our families in the more than 20 years since we had seen each other. There has been a recurring theme in a lot of my readings lately and what a joy to be able to talk with them about it. (That’s a post that I am prayerfully and thoughtfully working on little by little. So…more on that another day.)

That Friday we went to visit Mike. Kaylynn rode with me and the miles few by as we talked the entire time. Dan drove separately because they would leave from Stanardsville to drive to Northern, VA where they were speaking on Sunday. At first Mike just looked at them and didn’t say much. We played a few games of Sequence and then took Mike out for ice cream. He did fine in the car and when Dan asked him what classes he taught in Palau he answered right away and then knew who they were and remembered their son. At the ice cream shop, he said he didn’t want his cone dipped in chocolate, (the rest of us did). After we all got our ice cream, he kept looking at Dan’s so I asked him if he wanted to try mine. He did. He became stuck on his “oooo”, and I had to remind him to eat his ice cream. Once he finished his, he reached over and took the rest of mine and ate it too. :-)

Back at The Harbor, we stayed with Mike a bit longer, but he was getting tired so we got him settled in bed and left. Dan, Kaylynn, & I had a chance to sit on the front porch and “debrief” before they left and again they were such a blessing and encouragement to me. They are such genuine, loving, open and honest lovers of Jesus and it is so easy to be with them and talk with them. I came home feeling much refreshed in spirit. As Christians, we are not to stand alone, we need each other for encouragement and accountability and I thank God for the time with Dan & Kaylynn.  Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.  Thank you Dan & Kaylynn for taking the time to come see us!

It’s sort of “The Summer of Missionary Friends”. Just a couple of weeks ago, I had a brief visit with another family also with CRU. Steve was in Palau briefly during our time there. He and his wife and one of their children stopped by the farm for a couple of hours on their way to NC. Though brief, it was great to see them, as well. They now serve at the Florida headquarters and are instrumental in preparing missionaries who are going out to various places throughout the world. They had served for many years in Japan.

Today, I am at a hotel in Orange, VA awaiting the arrival of our dear friends, Gert & Elke, with whom we served in Palau for several years. They have made trips down to the US and we have made trips up to Canada also over the years. You may remember that Elke came and spent a couple of weeks with me two summers ago while Mike was in Blacksburg, VA. I am greatly looking forward to time with them, as well.

I took this morning to get this blog written and uploaded, plus I hope to continue to read, pray and work on the other post. It’s nice and quiet here and I don’t feel like I need or should be doing other things. I spent most of the day yesterday with Mike at The Harbor, so am taking advantage of this peaceful, quiet place and some time alone.

This past Wednesday, I received a call from Liesa at The Harbor saying that due to Mike’s recent falls and resulting injuries, they wanted to speak with me. I had already planned to come up on Friday so we scheduled 10:30am. I took a long walk Wednesday night and gave my worries and fears to God and trusted Him for whatever was coming on Friday. My sister, Gayle, came on Wednesday for a few days, and again, what a blessing to have the fellowship of Christians to share our burdens and help us keep our focus. We had “iron sharpening iron” conversations also.

The meeting went well and I really appreciated that as soon as the new administrator joined the meeting she said: “I don’t know what has been said so far, but I just want you to know that we are not talking about discharging Mike.” Phew! She knew exactly where I thought the meeting might be headed. Everyone is just concerned that his falls have dramatically increased in the last few weeks and we needed to brainstorm ways to keep him safe. There was even one time that he was standing right next to a med tech and then suddenly was on the floor. He wasn’t even walking! The only thing that came to my mind was that maybe he has a hip or knee giving out on him. He had arthritis in his right hip prior to the accident, so I mentioned that. The speed with which he walks is still a definite concern also. I had brought his walker, but the head nurse is concerned that it could cause more problems than solutions. She is going to talk with Physical Therapy and see if they will come back and work with him and ask what they think of the walker.

It seemed to me that I always got the calls about his falls in the evening or at night, so I asked if that was a recurring trend. Jane, the administrator, brought out his records and every fall has occurred between 6:00-9:00pm.  Either he is tired at that time of night, or something is out of balance during that time. We discussed trying to find volunteers from local churches or school groups that might come in and be with Mike some during those hours. I had also thought of contacting UVA and seeing if there are any students studying brain injury that would like some hands on experience with a TBI survivor. If any of you have contacts in these areas, are in a church that might be interested in this as a ministry, please let me know. It is true that Mike does better with one-on-one supervision for the most part. He gets tired of having someone with him all the time, but he does like attention and cognitively does better when someone is interacting directly with him.

Mike’s center of gravity has definitely shifted forward. He walks slightly bent over and this causes his balance to be off. All day yesterday, I spoke softly, but firmly with him about standing tall, looking forward (not down) and walking slowly. He could do it with constant reminders, but if I didn’t say anything, his footsteps became rapid and his body over his toes. He also shuffles his feet and keeps them too close together which does not give him a good base and more easily trips him.

He did wonderful all day yesterday, we could converse, he walked out to the car with me carrying an empty box, we practiced walking up and down the halls, and he even made it to the bathroom, a couple of times, on his own. Meals are a challenge. He tends to eat way too fast and doesn’t like to be told to slow down. At supper last night, it all fell apart. He became very anxious, even shaky at one point. He would not stay seated, and was about to eat the napkin. He ate all of his supper, 2 rolls that I brought from home and then I asked for a bowl of applesauce. Once he knew the applesauce was coming, he finally relinquished the napkin to me, but still would not sit down. After he ate the applesauce, I got him to his room and in bed, only to have him hop up to go to the bathroom. He sat in there for a long time, then back to bed and right back up again. Something is definitely going wrong at that time of night.

As I was leaving, I was able to speak with Jane and tell her my observations. She is going to have the staff keep a closer eye on him during that time, and speak with Dr. B next week, also. I was glad I stayed and was able to see what might be happening on a regular basis.

Mike has a new roommate. His former roommate passed away last week. His new one doesn’t look much older than Mike, physically seems very fit, but spent most of the day fretting and looking for his wife. It’s a very pitiful situation.

On a funnier note, one of the women yesterday was going from room to room, declaring that this was her house and nothing was leaving it! I was organizing Mike’s stuff, while he rested, and she came in the door and asked me what I was taking. I told her nothing, just organizing my husband’s things. “Your husband!? Who is that?!” she said. “His name is Mike.” I answered. She peered around me at Mike, seemed satisfied, and moved on to the next room. Ha! Later, when I was leaving, I heard a shout, and looked back to see her coming out of Mike’s room, evidently she had gone in there and his new roommate shouted at her to get out! It’s rarely dull around there.

Well, this is too long again, but one last thing. Mike’s 59th birthday is on August 26. I hope he is having a good day today and that we can take him out for ice cream and then I would love to take him to a church and out to eat tomorrow for something special and out of his norm. Would you please pray that we would be able to do that? Thank you. I know he would enjoy receiving cards also.

422 William Mills Drive
Stanardsville, VA 22973

Broken nose

Hello, dear friends,

Last Tuesday evening, about a half hour after I got home from work, I received a call from C at The Harbor informing me that Mike had fallen, broken his nose, and the emergency squad was there to take him to the hospital. She said that she heard a loud wham next door and was afraid to go see what had happened. When she did, she found Mike on the floor with blood on his face. Upon inspection it was obvious that his nose was broken and there was a 3/4" laceration across the bridge of his nose. They believe that he fell into the door frame head first.

I quickly finished my sandwich, packed a bag, and headed to Charlottesville. Since Mike does not have a one-on-one person, they have no one to send with him. I arrived at the Martha Washington Hospital about 9:30 PM only to find out that Mike was at the Martha Washington Freestanding Hospital about 25 miles away - closer to The Harbor. Mike was sound asleep when I arrived and looked very rough. He had a very swollen nose & upper lip, dried blood  on his face & in his nose, and just generally pitiful. The doctor came in and told me that he had scanned Mike's face, head, & neck and there was no internal damage. He put super-glue like stuff on his nose laceration. Mike also had a laceration on the inside of his mouth between his nose and upper lip. The doctor said mouth wounds usually heal quickly and it was not gaping, so he believed it would heal well on its own. Plus, he did not want to have to sedate Mike. Mike was sleeping so soundly that I thought he had been sedated or been given pain meds, but the doctor had not given him anything. Of course Mike was agitated when the doctor was examining him and irrigating his nose, but otherwise he had done well according to the doctor and RN.

One week prior, I received a call saying that Mike had fallen during the night. He was probably getting up to go to the bathroom when he fell, but he was OK. Due to the increase in medication, he had become even more unstable than he already was, so the next day the medication was reduced back to the prior dosage. I was thankful for that, but as I well know, when Mike gets anxious (which is often) he walks extremely fast and his body gets ahead of his feet and down he goes. You may remember that he rarely puts out his hands to break his fall. This is not good.

Anyway, the doctor discharged Mike after the glue was dried. The RN came in and asked if I was comfortable transporting Mike back to The Harbor or if I would like him to call Medical Transport. I was so relieved to know that Medical Transport was an option. Within the hour, Mike was cocooned in the sheets, moved from the hospital bed to the stretcher, transported to The Harbor and then moved from the stretcher to his bed. He never woke up. I had thought I would stay with him in case he was agitated, but after about an hour it was clear that he was going to sleep just fine, so I might as well try to as well. I found a hotel and gratefully crawled into bed about 2:00 AM.

Wednesday and Thursday I spent most of the day with Mike. The swelling was greatly reduced Wednesday morning. I read the Bible to him and then he wanted to rest. He was given pain medication and slept a good bit in the mornings. He never complained of hurting and if I asked he seemed annoyed with the question, so I let it be.  Wednesday afternoon he napped in the sunshine for a little while until it became too hot. When we came inside, several other residents were doing memory games so we joined them. It seems everyone, who has a bit higher cognitive function, wants to be gathered around the same table. It was crowded, but fun. I was able to learn the names of a few other residents and interact with them too. Each one has their own quirks, challenges, and personality. You never know what someone will say! The interesting thing is that even though they all want to be clustered together, they really do not interact with each other. Each one is trapped in their own mind. It takes one of the staff, volunteers, or family members to engage each one in the activity, otherwise they may just sit there and look at the game on the table, unaware of how to proceed. Maybe this was just for that particular activity, but was what I observed that day.

I checked on Mike a couple of times this weekend and it sounded like he was progressing nicely. The purple/blue/green was turning to yellow and he was more stable on his feet. We had kept him in a wheelchair on Wednesday and Thursday and he seemed to prefer it then also. Tonight I called and spoke with him. Here's how the conversation went with Mike speaking in a loud, hurried, annoyed voice:

Me:  Hi Mike, how's your nose?
Mike:  Hi Jennifer, My legs are fine!
Me: Not your legs, your nose?  Mike?  Hello? Are you there?
Mike:  I'm feeding two men!
Me: Oh, you're helping two men eat?
Mike: Yes!
Me: OK, I won't keep you then. Bye. I love you.
Mike: I love you!
click....

He sounded busy and doing well, so I was pleased. Not an hour later, I received a call from C (right after I started typing this blog) telling me that Mike left the dining room, started down the hall and fell. He was going to require a couple of stitches above his left eye, but she said Mike said he was fine and Medical Transport would get him to the clinic for the stitches and return him to The Harbor so I am not trying to go up there. Heavy sigh.....it was the same situation, he was walking too fast. Like a toddler just learning to walk; unfortunately, he has a lot farther to fall.

Thank you for continuing to pray for Mike. I hope all will settle down and he'll slow down soon. I am really praying for God to give wisdom to the doctors who are caring for Mike. I definitely don't have the answers and pray that God will lead them to the right balance and solutions to stabilize Mike, as much as possible, physically and behaviorally.

I Corinthians 1:9

God, who has called you into fellowship

 with His Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful.

Exhale

Do you ever find yourself holding your breath due to anxiety, fear, worry, or whatever? Tension builds, muscles tighten, thoughts lock up. Learning to recognize when it's happening and consciously making the effort to slowly breathe in and out allows us to loosen up and relax. I am so thankful to the Lord for the past couple of weeks to be able to breathe, loosen up, and relax.

The sign in my room on vacation.
I was right where I was meant to be.

My weekend at home over the July 4th weekend was very restful. A time of letting go, surrender, inactivity, quiet, peace, and no "I gottas". The next weekend with family was a continuation of relaxation plus wonderful times of conversation, laughter, games, food, walks, no-agenda, just being together and enjoying the opportunity to escape to a quiet place with a slow pace. This photo of a t-shirt in a shop window sums it up nicely.  In case you cannot read it's message,  it says "Slow Down, this ain't the mainland." Cape Charles was a perfect antidote to busyness. A quaint small town across the Chesapeake-Bay Bridge Tunnel from Virginia Beach. Quite a contrast and I hope it stays that way.


We were about 6 blocks from the beach and since we were on the bay side, there were only ocean swells which was an unexpected plus in my opinion (no waves knocking me around and taking me under - restful, peaceful water). Aria could safely play on the water's edge too and she loved it! There were beautiful homes and yards to admire as we walked to the beach and friendly folks along the way also. Absolutely no crowds. Wonderful & priceless!

Ladder ball. Such fun on nice sand!

Enjoying delicious home-made ice cream from
the brown dog ice cream shop.

Cape Charles
favorite hang-out.

Game Time! This is a fun group game. Everyone writes a random statement, then passes their paper to the next person who has to 

1. draw the statement 

2. fold over the paper so that the original statement cannot be seen 3. pass it on to the next person who now has to interpret the drawing by writing a statement. This continues around the table until your paper returns to you at which time everyone takes turns reading the various statements and showing the drawings. The results can be hilarious! Add a time limit and things really get crazy.

Stormy Saturday. Great
for just chillin then an
afternoon walk on the beach.

Relaxing in the gazebo
at The Harbor. Mike has gained
weight and looks so much better.

Mid-morning Monday, Mike's brother's family, Mom Rice, and I headed to Stanardsville to spend time with Mike. Mark & family arrived about an hour before us and they were all out in the courtyard playing Sequence. Later we took Mike out for a burger and milkshake at Tastee Freez. Then he said it was too early to go back so Mark took us on a driving tour of Stanardsville which took about 10-15 minutes. :-) Once back, it was time for Mike's supper, so we left. Mom R. and I stayed in Orange at a very nice hotel with a gorgeous view of farmland and the Blue Ridge Mountains in the 

Gorgeous view from hotel.

distance. So peaceful and calm.

That evening, I received a call from The Harbor saying Mike had 2 incidents that evening involving other residents. Everyone was fine, but they always call when he has been disruptive, hard to redirect, or has fallen. Due to an increase in his disruptive behavior, an increase in medication was being requested from Dr. B. On Wednesday, Mom R. & I were able to meet Dr. B. who is the general practitioner. He explained his plan of action and I was able to express my concerns and ask about possibly reducing medication. He is willing to consider that in the future, but right now they just have to try to get Mike to a more even keel. Wednesday Mike was the best I've seen him since he's been at The Harbor. He was able to communicate more effectively and was calm. 

Nobody likes the thought of having Mike more sedated, but after 3 years, I understand now that in order for anyone to be able to care for him, plus keep him and others safe, it may be the only way. I am at peace that Dr. B, Dr. L. (psychiatrist) and The Harbor staff are monitoring Mike closely and doing the best they know how, as am I. I realize there are alternative treatments and therapies and that not everything has been tried, but due to expense and/or the difficulties of trying to wean Mike off of meds, I am at peace that what I could do has been done and I have to let go of what others may think I should have done or tried. I like the way one of Mom Rice's friends addressed this issue in an email to me, "If God wants me to do something to help or fix a situation, He knows where I live and He knows how to communicate His wishes to me." He sure does! 

Back home, I have worked in the garden, Mom and I have two batches of pickles in brine, Dad and I froze 4 quarts of corn, and I've done other odd jobs around the house. The beautiful thing is that my mind and spirit are at peace. I am well rested, calm, and refreshed. I even noticed that I was calmer when spending time with Mike. 

This past weekend I came across a song by Plumb that is very fitting for this new stage of my life. I have breathed in God's grace and I want to exhale and share His grace and love with others. Here is a link to her YouTube video. 

Exhale by Plumb

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOgUjSW4agg

Just let go let His love wrap around you

And hold you close

Get lost in the surrender

Breathe it in until your heart breaks

Then exhale

Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/exhale-lyrics-plumb.html#OORCzuwLiFrcJDas.99

I don't know exactly what my exhale is supposed to look like yet, but I am praying and asking God to show me and use me. 

I Samuel 12:24

But be sure to fear the Lord and serve Him faithfully with all your heart; 

consider what great things He has done for you.

I Peter 4:10-11

Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory and the power forever and ever. Amen.

Sunset at Cape Charles
Hope this photo helps you to breathe easier
and relax a bit wherever you are.

Phone conversation/Sharing

Yesterday I called to check on Mike and since the nurse said he was having a good day I asked to speak to him. He actually talked with me! The conversation was a bit repetitive, but at least it was a conversation and not "oh, oh" or "no, no, no". He was evidently looking at a catalog and asked me several times if I needed any tops or jackets. I tried asking him some questions, but he was fixated on the catalog. The nurse said that he ate a good breakfast and then sat beside a woman and was encouraging her to eat her eggs. :-)

*******************

I believe it's time for me to share some of the struggles I've been having and lessons I am learning from the past few months. There's really two different tracks of thought running through my mind right now so I'm going to start with the more experiential one to share first. I've felt that I needed to share this, but have not taken the time to sit down and do it. Procrastination? Fear? Disobedience? I'm not sure, but I'm praying that the Lord gives me the right words to put down on "paper".

As you know, there has been a lot of anxiety/stress over the past 3 years since Mike's accident. Sometimes it is expected and other times it comes unaware. I wish I could say that I've learned how to completely handle stress and anxiety, but that is not the case. Sometimes gardening and exercise are enough to relieve the pressure, other times I need the little white prescription pill. Sometimes singing hymns & listening to contemporary Christian music and Scripture reading eases the strain, other times talking with a friend is what is necessary. Sometimes screaming helps, other times I crave solitude and quietness. And then there are those times when I just think my mind is going to explode and there is nothing that can be done to stop it. 

When Mike was home, I was under a state of hyper-vigilance. After he went to CSH, it was a different type of constant vigilance, dealing with various agencies, and searching for a placement. Once he was placed, it was getting him settled and figuring out the medication issue. I felt compelled to travel up there often in the beginning to try to give him the best transition possible. Ever since just before Easter until last weekend, it seems like it has been non-stop activity. (gardening, family gatherings, church responsibilities, driving back and forth to Stanardsville, forms and paperwork, my job, etc.) Some of my own making? Absolutely. There was one Sunday afternoon back in June where I really wanted to just rest and read, but could not settle down. I had nervous energy and ended up baking cookies instead of resting. There was always the feeling that there was something I needed to be doing. 

The reality was/is that now that Mike is in a good home, a lot of the stuff that consumed my mind and days has disappeared. Yes, I am still his wife and advocate, but he is receiving excellent care in a comfortable, beautiful setting that's a little too far to go all the time. This little rhyme formed in my mind Saturday morning:

It's time to accept the new life God has given,

submit to His will and find a new rhythm.

I had set a frenetic pace and was about to crash, but thanks be to God, He headed it off with the help of family, friends, prayer, and music. When I wasn't in Stanardsville with Mike, my thoughts were racing. The accuser, Satan, was having a field day with my thoughts, the area where I struggle the most. Everything from worries, fears, guilt, temptations, accusations, the feeling that I wasn't ever doing enough for Mike, my parents, others, etc., you name it negative and it was in my thoughts eating away. I would pray, beg, plead, for God to take it all away, but it was relentless.

Do you remember a few blogs ago where I asked for prayer requests from you? Those that responded were the beginning of my relief. When all these negative thoughts would start flooding my mind, I started praying for those requests and praying for others and I began to have victory over the accusers attacks. This worked well, but sometimes I would forget!  How does that happen? Anyway, one day these accusing thoughts reached a fever pitch while I was working outside in the flower garden (which is great for tiring the body, but my mind was freewheeling). I was disgusted & determined to win this battle! I came inside and got my iPod, put on my Newsboys "Hallelujah for the Cross" music, and sent Satan packing by the power of Jesus name! I was so exhilarated by the end of the day. I kept my mind on Christ through music and praying for others and a real victory was won that day, Praise God! That was a few weeks ago and I have been better since, all glory to God! So from my experience, if you struggle with your thoughts, try praying for others and listening to God-honoring/praising music. I also listen to the Bible being read with the You Version Bible app.  Here's a link to the title song on my favorite Newsboys CD "Hallelujah for the Cross":  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7NJc1_t6q0

The other release came in the form of a phone call from my mother-in-law about a month ago. Back almost a year ago, the Rice side of my family made plans to get together this summer for a vacation. Somewhere along the line, while Mike was still at CSH, I decided that I wanted us to take Mike with us on this vacation. He loves to be with his family and hasn't been to a beach (his favorite place) since his accident. The week before Mom Rice called, was when I felt like I was about to lose my marbles, but was on a treadmill that I just couldn't seem to get off of by myself. She cautiously and gently told me that she had no peace at all about taking Mike with us to the ocean and that she had not decided this lightly. Mom R. had been praying about this for some time, and continued to feel uncomfortable about it. She went on to say that it would not be relaxing for any of us, plus with Mike having just moved, it could cause a set-back at The Harbor, as well. As she talked, I knew she was right and even so, I started to cry. I so wish that Mike could come and enjoy the beach and his family, but he is just not able to function in a manner to make that happen and would need constant supervision. After we talked some more, I agreed with her and later realized that I am a "Pollyanna" - always thinking of the best part of a situation and not being realistic about the difficulties or challenges that will come too. Ocean waves and a brain that doesn't work right could easily equal disaster. She proceeded to remind me that the original intent of this was "to give Jennifer a vacation". Oh....I didn't remember that, but coming on the heels of my loose marbles, I knew I needed it. 

So.....in line with my little rhyme, I'm learning to accept this new way of life. Mike is doing as well as can be expected and I am super excited about having a relaxing time at the beach with family. We greatly enjoy playing board & card games together, talking, eating, and there will be lots of laughter, I am sure. We will miss Mike, but it is OK for me to go, relax, and have fun. Those of us that can are going to see Mike for a couple of days when we leave the beach. Hopefully, by Christmas, he'll be more settled and we can have him with us for a few days then. We'll also be missing our son and his family that live in AZ. Hopefully they'll be able to be with us in December too!

I also gave myself this weekend off. I've stayed at home, helped Mom and Dad a bit, and done a little gardening, but God has sent a lot of rain, so it's too wet to get out there. Thank you, God! Have felt a little out of sorts, but think I was just tired and it took me a bit to let go and relax. Last night I was trying to read and fell asleep in the chair. I woke up at 9:30 pm and decided I may as well go to bed. I slept well and have felt much better today. 

Well, that's enough for this post. The other running thought may take a few posts and I may not get to it until after our beach trip. Since I don't have as much on my mind now, I am asking God what His will is for me. Is it more writing? Serving? Working? Please pray that I will be open and obedient to His will. 

Psalm 37:23-24

(NLT)

The Lord directs the steps of the godly.

    He delights in every detail of their lives.

Though they stumble, they will never fall,

    for the Lord holds them by the hand.

Reports from others

Last Thursday I spoke with C at The Harbor. At that time, Mike was having a really good day. She said he was able to communicate to the staff what his needs were, and was participating in the activities. On Friday, I spoke with D and she said Mike did very well on Thursday until later in the evening when he was "chasing" another male resident down the hall. She said she had never seen him move so fast! They tried several distraction tactics, but nothing worked so did have to give Mike a PRN (as needed/sedating/calming) medication. After that took effect, Mike did well for the rest of the evening.

My sister, Gayle, and her husband, Tom, visited on Monday and this is what she wrote to me:

"At first when we saw Mike yesterday he was just zooming into the lunch room ignoring us and our yogurt offering, just saying "oh,oh" and holding his head off and on.  The lady said he'd been like that for 2 days and asked him if his head hurt, but he didn't answer.  We walked him outside to sit and eat. Then he did ok and we were able to show him pics from the weekend and talk calmly a while.  They brought his supper out. (Which he insisted was breakfast). Tuna salad, lettuce and cucumber salad, crackers, and cherry cobbler. Looked good! Then we sat in his room and he wrote you a letter, Jay, which I am mailing.  He wanted me to read the Daily Bread devotional to him so that's why his letter has scripture and references to the Christ Our Redeemer statue in Rio de Janero.  He didn't have his glasses and we hunted but never found them.  The office lady is looking, too.  He seemed to be fine and liked the pics."

Zooming around, eating fast, losing his glasses, repeating words are all fairly typical of Mike so I guess he's adjusting fairly well. He has his good days/moments and his rough days/moments. It is always encouraging to hear of the good days and I am hopeful that there will be more of those as he adjusts to the new place, people, and routine of The Harbor. He wanders in and out of rooms so his glasses could be anywhere. Dr. E. at CSH ordered him two pair after he lost one and then broke the new ones, so there are two pairs floating around there somewhere. Someone else could be wearing them! When we were there for Father's Day weekend, Mike's roommate, James was wearing Mike's OSU hat. I know it is impossible for the staff to keep everyone's stuff in their respective rooms.

Has been a busy couple of months. I decided not to go anywhere this weekend. Just working in the gardens, helping Dad & Mom, catching up on desk stuff, etc. After lunch today I was so tired that I went to rest a bit and 2 hours later I woke up! That's very odd for me, but evidently I needed it. Now it's time for bed. More later.