Restful Wonderfulness

Psalm 13:6

I will sing the Lord's praise, 

for He has been good to me.

My trip to Arizona was truly restful and wonderful in every way and I thank God that I had the opportunity to go for an extended visit. There were a few airline/airplane glitches along the way, but I had a good book to read and kind, uncomplaining people sitting beside me, so we just waited it out pleasantly. Flying into the city at night was really a beautiful sight with all the various street and house lights shining brightly in the dark. Caleb, Anastasia, and Watson picked me up and once we arrived at their home, I was able to hold my first grandson. He is adorable, of course, and we are so blessed that he is strong and healthy. Caleb had a roast in the crock-pot, so after a hearty meal, shower, adoring Watson, and a bit of talking, I was ready for bed (they are 2 hours behind us). I usually don't sleep well the first night in a new place, but I was out in no time and slept 9 hours! The entire time I was there, I slept at least 8 - 10 hours every night. That is unheard of for me - at least in the past few years - and it was wonderful!

Caleb was working during the week, so it gave Anastasia and I a chance to get to know each other better which was wonderful also. We just hung out at home, reading, holding Watson, taking walks, I did some baking and we did a little bit of weeding while Watson slept in his bassinet-type portable bed.  The weather was also wonderful, upper 60's to mid 70's during the day and then down in the 30's or 40's once the sun went down. Lotus, the cat, and I would go sit in the sun for a while and enjoy the warmth. Lotus also became by sleeping buddy. She liked her own space, so we got along just fine.

I had the privilege of going with Caleb to church.  (they weren't ready to take Watson out around lots of people yet - smart) The pastor talked with us for a while and shared that Caleb and Anastasia have been a great addition to their small group. Is so nice to be able to picture where they are involved and the service was a blessing. Afterwards, Caleb took me on a drive to show me where he works and then back home we took Watson out for his first stroller ride. Arizona is a very different kind of beautiful compared to the east coast. Most yards are some type of stone rather than grass, palms and cactus replace oaks and pines, flowers were still blooming in January and the city is laid out in squares with straight streets, rather than windy roads.

Caleb took a couple of days off the following week and we did a little sight-seeing. I took lots of pictures, but will just share a few below. It was really great to see a different part of the U.S. and I enjoyed every minute.  I had such a fabulous time with the 3 of them and felt more rested and relaxed than I have in years. There were no responsibilities, no time schedule, no agenda or expectations, no worries or cares for 10 days and it truly was wonderful in every way.

 

We talked, laughed, played Settlers of Catan (a family favorite), watched movies, ate well - even some "nostalgic" (as Caleb said) food favorites and played with and cared for baby Watson. Although I would love for us all to live closer to each other, nothing could please my heart more than the fact that they love the Lord, each other and are settled and happy. It was such a joy to be in their peaceful home and feel their love and care for me, as well.  It's actually hard to put into words what my heart feels, but I really have felt better overall since this time with them! My heart is full, my body rested, my spirit renewed and I am very thankful to God and them for that gift.

Precious family.

Most beautiful scene of all!

God gave me wings

"If you were to remove from the Bible all the stories about afflicted men and women, 

all the psalm of the sorrowful, all the promises for the distressed, 

and all the passages for the children of grief, the Bible would be a small book. 

It is clear not only that the poor and needy are observed by our great King (Psalm 139:3) , 

but also that the Holy Spirit's pen has been greatly occupied in recording their affairs......

When your situation is recorded on high, it will be worthwhile to be among the poor, 

the despised, and the sad, for you will magnify the dignity of our Lord. 

Praying in the Holy Spirit, I say this to bless and cheer some depressed saint."  

C. H. Spurgeon

Psalm 139:3 (CEB)

"You study my traveling and resting. 

You are thoroughly familiar with all my ways."

This Christmas was hard for me and it wasn't until a few days afterwards that I figured out why that was true. Just like last year, Mike's Mom and his brother's family drove down from Ohio and we stayed in a Residence Inn. Mike did not stay with us this year, but we were able to pick him up from

10-5 both Christmas Eve and Christmas day. He didn't do as well as he did at Thanksgiving, but no aggression or real agitation either, so we were thankful. He would get stuck saying "no" for a while every now and then and was a bit impatient at times. We enjoyed eating out, playing games at the hotel, a mid-afternoon worship service on Christmas Eve and a big traditional Christmas meal on Christmas day, plus a nice walk in 

the afternoon. Mike has a very hardy appetite and although he doesn't talk a whole lot, he thanked his family for coming and enjoyed the time with us. It was especially wonderful to be able to 

Fun in a photo
booth! We tried
to get a Christmas
border & ended
up with this!

go to a worship service with him and hear him singing. There were no difficulties getting him back to CSH either evening. He just said goodbye and went right in with the staff. I felt anxious before we picked him up on Christmas Eve and became quite emotional when we dropped him off on Christmas day. There's been an underlying sadness within me throughout this Christmas season which has been hard to shake. In the days following our time together, I think I figured out the reason for my sadness. Last year he was so much 

better than he had been, so Christmas was very exciting, encouraging, and brought a lot of hope. This year, he's much the same as he was last year. When we took him back to CSH, he was anxious to get inside because it was time for supper. With prompting, he gave quick hugs to his family and then just he and I went inside. He was in such a hurry to get to the dining hall that he could barely spare a moment for a quick kiss before he disappeared behind the door to get his coveted supper meal. I gave the staff his Christmas gifts which they had to comb through and separate into different areas with very few things actually going with him to his room. While I waited for this to be done, the sadness overwhelmed me and I could not hold back the tears. Thankfully, one of his favorite staff members, Jay, was on duty and when she came to let me out of the door, she gave me a big hug and assured me they were taking good care of him. I'm thankful he is fairly content, it's just painful to see what he has been "reduced" to - where food is of such importance in his life and family is dismissed without a thought....seemingly. Mark, Jenney, Maggie & Sam helped soothe my broken heart through compassion and prayer before we drove back to the hotel. They headed to the pool and Mom Rice and I enjoyed some quiet companionship while working on a jigsaw puzzle. 

Keegan, Amy & Aria spent Christmas with Amy's family this year, but we were able to video chat with them. Of course, Caleb and Anastasia were in Arizona, but we were able to briefly video chat with them and see our grandson!  Watson Alexander Rice was born at approximately 11:00 pm Arizona time on Christmas Eve (1:00 am Christmas day, our time!). He weighed 7 lbs. 11 oz. and was 21 inches long at birth. He is adorable, healthy and has a good strong cry! We are so blessed to have 2 beautiful grandchildren now and so thankful that they are healthy. It was a long day for Anastasia & Caleb, but all went well and they went home the day after Christmas. I have the pleasure of going out there January 8-18 to meet baby Watson in person. I can hardly wait! (see more photos at the end of this post)

New Year's Eve during my time with the Lord, the weight of sadness began to lift. The above quote was part of my reading for the day and I took time to meditate on Psalm 139 and Spurgeon's words. It's hard to form into words on paper just what the Lord was speaking to my heart, but I again was made aware of how much the Lord loves, cares for, and thinks of us, His children. It also let me know that I am in good company with many in the Bible who struggled and went through tough times. He knows me intimately and fully, I am totally hemmed in by Him, not in a cramped, confining way, but in a shielded, protected way. It's more than I can comprehend! There is no place where He cannot see me and no sadness or pain where He is not right beside me. There is no darkness with Him. He is my light, my creator, and all His works are wonderful. vs. 16 "all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." He knows my story in it's fullness, He's got this! Waking or sleeping, He is still there. This is all true for me, for Mike and for you, O precious child of God. He loves you so much! Don't ever believe anything else. (those last two sentences were in a card I received a few months ago and were another needed reminder at the time.)

Please, if you do not know Jesus as God's Son and what He has done to grant you access to His Father, please search the Scriptures for yourself, let His Spirit speak truth to you, "taste and see that the Lord is good." Psalm 34:8 You may also contact me at mcjrrice@gmail.com. I'd love to talk about Jesus with you. Don't delay. His love and gift of eternal life is for all who seek Him. What do you have to lose? A lot.

To continue the above story...the afternoon of December 31, my niece, Erin, called and said she had spotted and was watching the eagle if I wanted to try to come and see it. There is a bald eagle that lives around here and everyone seems to see it except me. I have looked and looked for over a year probably, but it has always eluded me. I've even prayed at different times that the Lord would allow me to see it as a sign for various prayers for Mike's situation. I hear and see a hawk fairly often, which thrills my heart every time. I think they are so beautiful and I really like to hear their screech. Anyway, I rushed out the door and headed to the back field. As I passed the first fence posts, there sat 2 hawks - one on each side of the road - so I was able to see them fly off and observe their beautiful wing markings. As I approached Erin's car, I could see a white spot in the top of an old bare tree. Sure enough! It was the eagle turning his majestic head this way and that looking for a tasty morsel. I sat and watched him for a while and then drove slowly closer and closer, stopped and opened the sunroof and poked my head out to look at him, then a bit closer, and watched him fly away. Beautiful! Wings spread wide, white tail and head. He flew around to the other side of the strip of trees and after driving a bit more, I could still see him. I don't know why, but it just thrilled my soul to see this great creature soaring across the sky and it somehow fit with the release the Lord had given me in His word in the morning. A lightening of my heart and I praised God for the gift of seeing these 3 mighty birds that He made. It was as if the Lord had given me wings! See? God is thinking of us all the time. This wasn't in response to any specific prayer I had prayed that morning,  (The Bible does say that a "wicked and perverse generation asks for a sign", oh dear) but He knew it had been a desire of my heart and in some way it helped to remove the heaviness and brought great joy, praise and a lifting of my spirit. God is so worthy and sends us love notes all the time to encourage us and lift our eyes to Him. I'll leave you with another Scripture quote from my reading of December 31. Give it some thought:

I Corinthians 1:27-31

But God chose what the world considers foolish to shame the wise. 

God chose what the world considers weak to shame the strong.

 And God chose what the world considers low-class and low-life--what is considered to be nothing--to reduce what is considered to be something to nothing. 

So no human being can brag in God's presence. 

It is because of God that you are in Christ Jesus. 

He became wisdom from God for us. 

This means that He made us righteous and holy and

He delivered us. This is consistent with what was written:

The one who brags should brag in the Lord! (Jeremiah 9:24)

Photos of Caleb, Anastasia & Watson

Lessons for a Loner

I don't really consider myself a loner, but I am sort of a home-body and I do enjoy having some time alone-especially times of quietness. This is not always a bad thing, but I do have to watch the propensity of isolating myself and thinking that I am "bothering" others. Let me give you an example. Several weeks ago, I needed to go to Richmond to meet with my lawyer. That morning, I was talking with my friend, Karen, and she offered to ride with me. My quick response was "It's OK, I don't mind going by myself." As we continued to talk, I was having an inner struggle with myself (or the Spirit was prompting me) and so eventually said something like this "You know, it would be nice to have company, so if you really want to ride along, that would be great." She did and the ride was much more enjoyable. The business of meeting with the lawyer became a small part of a fun outing with a friend. Even though it was simply 2 hours of riding in a car together, the talk and laughter was energizing and uplifting. How many times do we miss out on such opportunities because we are afraid we might bother someone? What a blessing that Karen took the chance and offered to ride along. I'm glad I didn't go with my first response.

The first weekend in December, I decided to travel to Fayetteville to visit friends I hadn't seen in about 2 years. My propensity kicked in again and I thought about making reservations at a hotel for the weekend. Partly not wanting to be a burden on anyone at such short notice and partly to have some alone time (although that seemed too alone and not very appealing). As I was praying about it one morning, the Lord reminded me that I had friends there who had offered a room to me whenever I might come into town. Just as I was going to look up our former Sunday School teacher and his wife's number, I received an email from them. I hadn't heard from them in a good while so "Ok, Lord, I get the hint." As if that were not enough, He really nailed it in with the following verse and quote from Beth Moore's Praying God's Word Day by Day on December 3: "You warn us, 'He who separates himself seeks his own desire; He quarrels against all sound wisdom' (Proverbs 18:1, NASB). Help me to be very careful not to isolate myself."  Wow! That verse really convicted and intrigued me. I didn't remember ever hearing it like that before. God's word really is alive and active and strikes us differently at different times, just when we need it. Thank you, God!

I looked this verse up in several different versions. The Message states it this way: "Loners who care only for themselves spit on the common good."  CEB: "Unfriendly people look out for themselves; they bicker with sensible people."  HCSB: "One who isolates himself pursues selfish desires; he rebels against all sound judgment." We need other people in our lives in order to stay balanced. When I close myself off to others, I become or am selfish & am seeking my own pleasure, then it is hard to be objective and wise. "...spit on the common good, bicker with sensible people, rebel against all sound judgment."  Hmmmm...that doesn't sound good does it? Yet, I believe we can all see where this would happen, if we isolate ourselves too much.

Well, Calvin & Christy are so gracious and welcomed me with open arms. They gave me lots of freedom to come and go as I wished and I had a wonderful time visiting with them and many dear friends throughout the weekend. Not once did I feel like I was a bother to anyone as I went from place to place. It was such a joy to see many friends face-to-face and sit and chat without a phone stuck to my ear! I came away from the weekend with such joy in renewed friendships, encouraged by testimonies of God's faithfulness, reminiscing the past and hearing of great things to come in the future. I was able to attend Sunday School and enjoyed worshiping with friends at West Fayetteville Baptist on Sunday morning also. After lunch with Juan & Myriam, and another quick visit with Mrs. Capps, I drove to Cary and had a short visit with Kris, who was so kind to us while we were in that area. The entire weekend was just wonderful, energizing, relaxing, restful, encouraging and a real testament to how important other people are in our lives. Thank you, Calvin & Christy, Syn, Mrs. Capps, Darius & Kendra, David & Judy, Jenn & Kaitlyn, Juan & Myriam, Kris and everyone at church. It was fabulous seeing you! Those I didn't get to see, I'll try again next time!

So, I encourage you, don't isolate yourself. Go visit, call, ask to ride with someone, or ask someone to ride with you while you do errands, invite someone over for coffee, tea, leftovers, or just to come for no reason at all. Don't wait until the time is right, or you look just so, or you have something baked to take, or the house is clean, etc., etc., Just go! Just invite! You will be blessed and will be a blessing.

So Thankful

I Timothy 4:4&5

"For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected

 if it is received with thanksgiving, because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer."

Everything God created is good and should be received with thanksgiving. God has created so much and has given us many reasons to be thankful everyday all through the year. I am thankful, though, that the United States still observes a day to stop and really think about our blessings and give concentrated and corporate thanks. I hope each of you were able to take a breather from the rush of "normal" life and enjoy a time with family in thanksgiving to God for His many wonderful creations.

Here are a few of the many people and things for which I give thanks:

First, foremost & always - Jesus, God, Holy Spirit!

All my amazing big family - Jones', Rice's, Dew's and beyond!

My church families - here and in NC - Wonderful prayer warriors & friends

My new job! I'm learning a lot and REALLY like what I'm doing and the people.

Playing with my grandbaby, Aria!

Playing games with Keegan & Amy.

Cell phones and new gadgets that make the long distance family feel closer.
Photos of Caleb & Anastasia, texts, calls

Rest & reading

Cozy, warm fire at the push of a button

Watching calves frolic in the field

Pleasant walks

Great food & favorite desserts

Laughter and conversation
Lively discussions in Sunday school
Hanging of the greens at church
Staff of CSH and just the fact that CSH is there 

Smiles
and much, much more!

Aria was asleep in the car.

A BIG thanksgiving gift with loads of thankfulness was permission from Dr. Ebeling to take Mike out on Saturday afternoon.  Keegan, Amy, Aria & I picked Mike up about 11:30 Saturday, drove to a barber where he got his haircut and we watched the first few minutes of the OSU vs. Michigan game. Go Bucks! Then we went to Applebee's for lunch where we were able to finish watching the first half of the game. Mike enjoyed the outing immensly and did very well. His appetite is quite good and he'll try to finish what anyone leaves, if you let him! After lunch, we walked around in the mall a little while then sat and he was able to talk with his Mom and Caleb. His Dad wasn't available at the time. Then we returned to CSH and he went right in without incident or complaint.

Amy & Rascal

Back home, Amy was able to go riding with Tracey for an hour or so which I think she enjoyed greatly. Amy is an accomplished rider and Tracey said it was nice to ride with her since she knew how to handle Rascal if he became rascally.

Arm in action

It was such a joy to have Aria around for the weekend. She is such a happy baby. She is now rolling over and sitting, but she moves so much that she still falls over without support. I think they may be in trouble once she starts moving around on her own - those legs and arms are usually in motion!




More thankfulness: The following email was forwarded to me by Dr. Ebeling on Monday. It is from one of Mike's group leaders in Cognitive therapy on Monday, Dec. 1.

In cog rem today Michael R. appeared to be more oriented and alert. When asked about his haircut and new shirt he told me his wife gave him the shirt and that he got the haircut while he was out. Also in my loop we were talking about a color by number activity and I said it reminded me of a paint by number activity and then Mr. R reminisced about when he taught his sons to paint using primer and a roller brush for the outside of his house. It was the first time he has mentioned his family to me.

He also talked in depth about his bachelor degrees from Ohio State and Asbury College. He talked about how he hadn’t wanted to pursue a master’s degree in history so he did another bachelor’s degree to teach physical education. He also discussed teaching at a high school, both physical education and history, as well as a basic math class.

While I was surprised that Mike had not communicated that well previously, I am thankful that he did this week. I guess it just took something to trigger the memories or to bring up family.  So....as you can see, we had a lot to be thankful for this past week and continuing on each day. Even when life is hard and not the way we would choose, there is ALWAYS lots of reasons to praise God and give Him thanks. Thank you, God, for all these blessings!

Tomorrow I am going to head to Fayetteville for a short visit. I hope to see many friends, but time will go by quickly, I know. I kept hoping Mike and I could get down there, but we'll continue to hope for that in the future. I just decided it's been too long and was time to go. I believe Mike is where he needs to be for now, and we will continue to trust God for direction and a more homey place at some point. Who knows? Maybe some day we will be together again in our own place and able to travel around to visit friends. With God there is always that possibility. Never give up hope. 

Hand-picked by God

I had an interview this morning for a part-time job and start next week!!! I am SO excited!!! God TOTALLY orchestrated the entire thing.  So let me back up....

The day I was driving home from NC, I received a call from Emily at District 19 and she told me that I needed to commit all of Mike's income toward the funding for a placement for him. I was rather taken aback and told her I was not comfortable committing all of it at this time, because bills were still coming in, I had to pay for her services (since Mike is not on Medicaid, we have to pay), it is my only source of income at this point too, and my understanding is that there will still be other expenses that I'm expected to pay while Mike is in a "community" facility. I also didn't know if I should look for a job, because for all I knew, Mike might still come home. A few days later I received an email from her reiterating our conversation and telling me that "You need to be looking for a job sooner than later."

Not knowing what to do, I contacted my attorney and asked for his advice.  The long and short is that there is some federal law that protects some income for the "community spouse", he's checking into mental health code and will write the needed letters.  Nothing is settled yet, there is no placement in sight for Mike, but I do not feel as pressured about the need for a full-time job at this point and that relieved a lot of stress. However! The interim days between her phone call & email and my visit with my lawyer had my mind spinning. At first I was panicked and incredulous that this is how the system works. I just knew I was not ready for full-time employment with so much still unresolved for Mike and how was I going to pay for things like the attorney, and other expenses? I wasn't sure I could handle the stress of a new job, plus still keep up with all the players in this scenario, and I had hoped to travel to see friends and family for a bit, reconnect and de-stress and then start looking for jobs in January. Nevertheless, I started job hunting and as I did, it gave me a new energy and excitement. It was like Emily's persistence had given me permission to go on with life, like I'd been slapped in the face to wake up and move on.

For so long it has felt wrong to move on while Mike cannot, but as I've said previously, I have to keep reminding myself that I cannot change Mike's situation. I believe it will be very healthy for my mind to have something else to focus on and God has supplied what looks like the perfect job. This is how it happened. When we moved back here, I asked around about doctors, dentists, etc. Since my parents were wanting to find a new dentist, I asked others and my cousin, PJ, told me that she really liked her dentist. One day when I was up there, the dentist's wife, who does all the office work, said that at some point she was going to want to cut back her hours and she thought I would be a good fit for the job. So two weeks ago, I called to let her know I was starting to look for a job. She said she would like some time to think about it and would call me. She called Wednesday, we met and talked for 2 hours today and I start Tuesday! I'm only going to work Tuesdays and Wednesdays starting out with the potential to work up to more days as I want or feel comfortable or when she's ready to cut back. Obviously, we will work together for a few months, since I have never worked in a dentist office before. I have a lot to learn. Pray I catch on quickly.

I just told someone yesterday that I had an interview today, and that I was probably looking for the impossible. God heard my thoughts and inner prayers and answered above what I thought was truly possible. This is so great because I can still keep up with what I need to for Mike, hopefully not feel overwhelmed, help Mom and Dad, and visit friends and family for long weekends. I drove home loudly praising God and squealing with joy and thankfulness! It seems that my call came at just the right time, because they were really feeling the need for office assistance. So if I had waited until January, it might have been too late. Oh! I also told her I'd like to go to Arizona to see Caleb, Anastasia and the baby in January for a week, and that is absolutely fine! This really seems hand-picked by God for me. Praise God!

On a sadder note, Mike has not had a good week. Tuesday night I received a call that they were taking Mike to the ER because he had fallen and had a nasty gash above his right eye. He had grabbed the arm of another patient and would not let go. As the patient tried to get Mike off of them, Mike lost his balance and fell, hitting his head on the floor. I met them at the ER. Mike seemed fine and was glad I came. The CT didn't show any new damage to his brain or hemorrhaging so that was good. He did receive 6 stitches. His story of what happened changed every time someone asked him. He told me he was hit by a moving chair. He told the nurse he tripped. He did not think he had done anything wrong.

Last night I visited with him and he was irritable.  I spoke with "J" one of the techs that works with Mike and she said he had not been doing well for about a week. She wondered if his medication had been changed. I thought maybe his head was hurting and he needed Tylenol. He said it didn't hurt, but he rarely seems to be aware of pain, it shows up more in his actions. He didn't even flinch on Tuesday night when the doctor stuck the needle in his wound to numb the area before stitches. The rest of us in the room did, however. I asked the nurse to try to give him some Tylenol. Is difficult when he always says "no".

I spoke with Dr. Ebeling today and no medication changes have been made since the first couple weeks after Mike arrived. He said Mike has been getting into all kinds of "mischief" at night. The example he gave was Mike pushing another patient around in their wheelchair while this person was screaming and wanting him to stop. Dr. Ebeling said "I don't think Mike means to get into trouble." He also said it had been a rough week for Mike even before the fall. Seems we are following the usual pattern. He does well for a time on a new medication and then right back to problems. Boredom, frustration and not knowing how to deal with his new brain, plus not realizing that he's hurting and annoying others. So many unknowns and all the Doctor's know to do is try yet another medication. At least he's in the right place for that.

I wanted to clarify something I wrote in my last blog. I should have put in "Mike's typical flat, no reserve brain injury style". Not every TBI survivor speaks that way, but Mike often does. Many folks with TBI have recovered well and gone on to lead productive and independent lives. Every one of us has probably interacted with a TBI survivor at some point and never even knew it.

Tenacious Trees

James 5:11

As you know, we consider blessed those 

who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what 

the Lord finally brought about. 

The Lord is full of compassion and mercy. 

Several weeks ago, I started going through the Concordance in the back of my Bible starting with "A" and looking for words that describe the character of God. So far I've learned that He is able, Almighty, Awesome and inspires Awe, and He is beautiful. Currently, I am learning about His compassion.  When I took my trip to NC a few weeks ago, I stopped at a beautiful park in Greensboro and enjoyed a walk and stretch break. The above trees captured my attention as I felt we had some things in common. Maybe you have felt this way too. Ever felt that you were holding up a load that was more than you could bear and the pressure just keeps pushing you down? Then, while you are trying to hold everything up, a stream of difficulties, guilt, sadness, sorrow, confusion, anxiety, etc. is carving out the earth beneath your feet slowly but surely? I have days like that when it's just too much and I feel myself sinking into the mire.

What is encouraging about these trees, is that they have adapted to their situation and remain strong, continue to produce growth and tenaciously cling to the foundation that is still there. Even though their roots are exposed, crooked, & twisted, they are not giving up. Job was like that and the above verse reminds us to be encouraged. Look at all that Job went through, everything he lost, and yet he persevered and in time, the Lord's compassion and mercy restored much of what Job had lost and more.

I am trying to adapt and rearrange my roots to where God wants them to be. It is so hard to know. I have moved back in with my parents. Since I grew up here, it feels like home and I'm able to be of some help to Mom and Dad, plus Mom and I enjoy doing things together and each other's company. I sense that this is where I am supposed to be, but then that begs the question, what does that mean for Mike? For now, that seems to be Central State Hospital and probably for an extended time. He is OK there, not ideal and he'd rather not be there, but it is the best we can do at this point.

I've had some great visits with him where he is clear and calm in the past couple of weeks. However, a week ago Sunday, I received a call in the afternoon saying Mike had to be put in isolation because he would not leave another resident alone. The staff tried repeatedly, and he was determined, thus the isolation. His aggressive/assertive episodes are infrequent, but when he has them, it is very hard to redirect him. Same thing we experienced at home. As you know, I felt our trying to get him off of medication contributed to the event that led to CSH, but as I've read through past journal entries, I was reminded that from the day he came home from NeuroRestorative we have had those out-of-control episodes.

I believe I've been experiencing a different, more sorrowful grief and heaviness now that this seems more permanent than we had originally hoped. I have to constantly remind myself that he is more than I can handle. I can't fix this. God is in control. That although I dislike the un-homey atmosphere he is in, he is safe, well taken care of, able to go to the treatment mall and join in activities and they have the staff to handle him, no matter what situation arises.

Since Mike has been at CSH, I have read several books. Some just for fun & escape, some spiritual, and 2 by other families with a loved one or friend who has or had TBI. I've had these TBI books for 2 years, but could not bring myself to read them. Now they were helpful. Here are a few quotes from A Change of Mind that I could readily relate to and somehow it helped to see in words. This was written by a woman whose husband suffered TBI. They also had a friend who previously had brain injury. The text in bold is where I see ourselves: About their friend - "....unable to return to any type of work following her accident, a result of her inability to deal with stress."  About her husband - "Ironically, what was initially a godsend (the return of his memory) soon became the very thing that tormented him day in and day out." "...eyes no longer had a sparkle but instead had a flat hollow look...."  "...did not have the ability to make sound judgments, which meant he continually put himself and others at risk with his actions."  "everything was about his getting through the day. I don't say that in a spiteful or demeaning way. That was the reality of how we were living." "he desperately wanted to be the father and husband he had been prior to the crash.......but his inability to cope with even the slightest stress in his daily routine ....all worked to sabotage his efforts within hours of his awakening." She also talks about how, as a caregiver, we stay in a hypervigilant mode that cannot be sustained for the long haul without having repercussions to the caregiver. Her husband died of a heart attack 6 months after his accident.

All of this is helping me to wait, trust God, and continue on the current course, even though there are times when I just don't think I can leave him there another day. It helps tremendously that he is fairly content there and isn't miserable. Saturday afternoon, my Mom and I went to see him and played a couple of rounds of the card game Skipbo. My Mom had never played before. After our second round, Mike said in typical flat, no-reserve-brain-injury style:  "Mom needs to practice at home." Ha! She had done well, but a bit too slow for his liking! Then as we were leaving he said "I'm tired of this place, Jennifer. Get me out." :-( Heart-wrenching. Can you see why sometimes I am a mess?  I thank God for His word, His Son & Spirit, my family and Mike's family, my friends, and my counselor that help me be strong and keep going. I am also thankful for you, my readers, and your precious comments and encouragement. What a blessing you are to me.

There's a whole other side of all this with the legal stuff and placement issues. I'll get into that another day. Go with God and persevere on whatever path He has for you. Remember the trees and Job.

Golden Pond a No Go

Psalm 84:12 

O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in You.

To be honest, I'm not feeling overly blessed right now. Yes, I know, there are many things to be thankful for and blessings all around that I can name, but the main thing I am looking for continues to evade us. Healing for Mike or a good placement for him. Yet, God says that we will be blessed when we trust in Him so I hold on and fight the discouragement. I seem to have misplaced my garment of praise tonight and the natural me wants to bury my head in the sand. 

When Lori at Golden Pond realized that Emily had not even applied for funding for Mike yet, she went on and contacted others who had asked about her available bed. She had two people interested that already had everything in order and could come immediately. I understand. After talking with her, we followed her over to their other home which is run by their daughter. This home has 2 beds, but it is very close to a busy road and I don't believe it would be best for Mike. The home has alarms on the doors, but Mike can be quick and it just looked too dangerous. Lori did tell us of some other possibilities that I will check into next week.

I am also feeling pressure from District 19 about available finances and I need to contact our lawyer for advice. There are so many rules and regulations, criteria and eligibility and I need help to make the right decisions. It's overwhelming. 

So...let me see if I can find my garment of praise and put it on....

I praise God for a gorgeous fall day today.

I praise God for my sweet Mama that rode around with me today and kept me company.

I praise God for kettle corn made by Coley and having a chance to leisurely chat with her.

I praise God for calves that just make me feel loved for no apparent reason, wanting to suck on my arm, hat, shirt, lick my face, whatever they can get hold of.

I praise God for the sound the sheep make, and the funny baby pigs.

I praise God for family that opens their homes to me and allows me to make it my own while I'm there.

I praise God for my good health, yoga stretches that keep my back from hurting so much, walking on a country road on the farm, and zinnias that are still blooming.

I praise God that the little golden kitten let me pet it today.

I praise God that my car runs well.

I praise God for 2 great sons, their precious wives and our granddaughter and soon a grandson.

I praise God I have an older brother and 3 older sisters and that we enjoy being together.

I praise God for the laughter I hear outside right now. (corn maze actors)

I praise God for leftovers.

I praise God for His Word.

I praise God for Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

I praise God for good friends.

I praise God for hugs from my Dad.

I praise God for Mike's family and their love and support.

I praise God for the staff at CSH who cares for Mike.

I praise God for this garment of praise that has replaced the spirit of heaviness.

I praise God!

Phone calls, emails, hopes and prayers

Today I am thankful for Bluetooth technology that allowed me to talk with Emily at District 19 while driving home from NC. (Last night I had the privilege of spending time with my friend, Kristin, and her kids in Greensboro and finished my trip home today.) Emily was calling to tell me that there will be a meeting tomorrow to discuss a possible DAP funding plan for Mike. Honestly, I do not understand how there is any money for Mike since previously I was told it was all already earmarked for other people. She tried to explain it to me, but truly it didn't make sense to me, so I am just trusting her and being thankful it's not a lost resource yet.  She called to see what Mike's current income sources were and what portion of those could be used to supplement any DAP funding that might be available. She is really trying to get him funded so that he can go to Golden Pond.

Lori from Golden Pond went to see Mike yesterday and Mike is excited about the possibility of going there. My Mom and I are going to go visit Golden Pond tomorrow. I visited with Mike tonight and he prayed that it would be God's will for him to go there. Before I left we prayed together asking the Lord to provide the funding necessary for Mike to go where God wants him to go. If that is Golden Pond, it needs to happen soon. Lori has others asking about the 1 room she has available, so the funding is a deciding factor. Please, join with us that God's will be done and if this is the right place, that the meeting tomorrow will result in the necessary funding.

As I drove down to see Mike tonight, tension started to build between my shoulder blades. All of this up and down stuff is stressful, plus it's never easy to see Mike in this type of facility. I wondered if he would be upset that I had been gone, but he never mentioned it. We had a good visit, but it is heart-breaking. He can be so sweet and child-like and I just want to wrap him up and bring him home. Want him to have the comforts of familiarity, favorite foods, family. He has lost so much more than I have. I refrain from telling him all that I do because I don't want to rub salt in the wound. Yet, he's so.....I'm struggling to know how to describe him.....he's so blank, or unaware, or self-absorbed that it doesn't seem to matter what I tell him. It's hard to explain. Tonight he got upset a couple of times - fretting about his supper and snack money - reasoning with him doesn't work and he only gets louder, so the best is to abruptly change the subject, play a game, or some other distraction. This works for a time, until the thought resurfaces and then we go through the cycle again.

Tonight he was telling me about exercising and that he was up front with the leader. I said is that because of your Physical Education background? Mike said "It's because I'm a smart guy." and then he grinned real big! LOL!

The social worker said he's been harder to redirect and has been "targeting" some of his peers. Not aggressive just.....annoying. Like telling others to take their medication, taking their seat when they stand up, etc. I think it's an attention thing. He seems to do well when he's getting plenty of attention, but when left to his own, he gets into mischief or repeats or tries to get out. Same as when he was home. So, although there are moments when I want to bring him home, I know I just can't. It took 3 people to redirect him one day they said. He can be very stubborn and willful and overpowering.

Please, please pray that God makes a way for a great placement for Mike. Golden Pond would be so accessible for me to continue to be in his life as much as possible and is much less costly than the TBI specific facilities, is a home, not an institution, and really is our only hope at the moment. This is a very important meeting tomorrow. God is in control. Praying, seeking and trusting.

Garment of Praise

Isaiah 61:1-3 (NIV)

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,

Sunrise over the mountains
from Viv & Mike's backyard.

because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of His splendor.

About 2 weeks ago, the devotional page I read in C. H. Spurgeon's book Beside Still Waters: Words of Comfort for the Soul reminded me that "We may come sorrowing, but He puts 'a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness' on us." Plus, "Let your spirit be joyful in God your Savior. 'The joy of the LORD is your strength' (Nehemiah 8:10), and no fiend of hell can make progress against you." Praise is a wonderful way to lift our spirits when it feels like the weight of our world is on our shoulders. It helps us remember that it is not our burden to bear anyway, because Jesus told us that we are to take His yoke upon us and that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Matthew 11:30

Beef burgundy - delicious!

This past weekend, my sisters and their spouses were a true "garment of praise" from God wrapped round about me. I came to Vivian & Mike's last Wednesday and am leaving today. Vivian and I have enjoyed little outings to Asheville and Black Mountain, walking, decorating, and doing small projects. Gayle & Tom, Carol & Ed all arrived on Friday afternoon and the festivities really kicked off. "Chef Mike", Vivian's husband cooked impressive (see photo) and delicious

Ahhh, relaxation

meals and there were serious talks, fun chatter, laughter and relaxation.  Viv & Mike live in a gorgeous location on the side of a mountain and it has been a joy to sit by the fire pit on their deck and admire the view. Here are some photos of our weekend.

Panoramic view from their deck.

Cloudy morning view

Sisters! Gayle, Vivian, Carol & me.

Kerry's sticks were

essential!

Saturday, with our cousin, Kerry's walking sticks in hand, we took a hike to Catawba Falls in Old Fort, NC. It was a beautiful, sunny and slightly cool day; perfect for hiking and not a difficult hike. The only catch was crossing the stream 3 times and getting our feet wet, well some of us did, that is. :-)

In back: Tom, Ed, Vivian,
In front: Mike, Carol, Gayle, me

Waterfall was well worth

wet feet

After our hike, we drove to Silver Fork Vineyard & Winery and enjoyed listening to a live band. For dinner, we headed to Asheville and ate at a restaurant called Storm. It was an unusual menu. Viv ordered the brussel sprouts appetizer which was delicious and Ed ordered the pigs ears appetizer which we all tried and thought were disgusting - after one bite, it stuck to my teeth and took at least 10 minutes to get rid of! Makes a great story and I can say I tried them....once! I played it safe and had steak filet for my meal which was delicious.

While Vivian was at school yesterday morning, I read the Medicare booklet and completed the Initial Enrollment Questionnaire online for Mike. Monday I received an email from District 19 letting me know that the DAP funding has now been released; however, there is only $44,000 left for the fiscal year and it is already earmarked for current DAP plans, so there is no money for Mike through that until possibly the next fiscal year. That's discouraging because last week Emily at District 19 had sent me an email with information about a home in Powhatan called Golden Pond (only about 40 minutes from the farm). On Friday I spoke for almost an hour with the owner of the home and became very hopeful that this might work out if the funding through DAP came available. This home is $66,000 a year versus the $160,000+ for the facility in Virginia Beach. Trusting God to please show us and tell us great things we cannot search out on our own.

$3.33, 3:33 AM

Wow! Where does time go? I started this blog several weeks ago and have not taken the time to complete it. Writing every few days would make sense, but.....

Shortly before Mike went to CSH, I heard a song, "Need You Now. (How Many Times.)" by Plumb. The words could so easily be my own that I feel sure Plumb has been through some very trying times herself. Here are the lyrics:

PLUMB LYRICS - "Need You Now (How Many Times)"

Well, everybody's got a story to tell

And everybody's got a wound to be healed

I want to believe there's beauty here

'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on

I can't let go, I can't move on

I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan

Wondering how I got to where I am

I'm trying to hear that still small voice

I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

Though I walk,

Though I walk through the shadows

And I, I am so afraid

Please stay, please stay right beside me

With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?

And how many times have you given me strength?

For several days, the refrain stayed in my head. God is faithful and He does give strength to keep breathing and keep trusting Him. Sometimes that's all we can do.

The meeting with the Attorney went extremely well. He is a Christian and extremely knowledgeable about elder law and all that entails as related to looking for long-term placement. As it turns out, since Mike is receiving LTD through the NC Retirement System which will automatically switch to Service Retirement at age 65, his retirement account cannot be viewed as accessible cash. It is strictly on a monthly basis from here on out. Therefore, we are already poor enough to apply for Medicaid, BUT since Mike is in a State facility, we cannot apply until we find an appropriate facility that will take him.

Mike is doing about the same at CSH as he was at home. He had a couple of weeks of being more calm, but last week (Oct. 8) started to be hard to redirect again. Dr. Ebeling is going to wait a bit before tweaking medication again. For the most part, Mike seems to be content at Central State. Several times I've gone to visit and he has been the one to cut the visit short. I always bring him some sort of snack and reading materials. This is how most visits have been going lately:  Mike comes in saying "no, no, no"  or is a little bit antsy then sits down and starts to eat his snack, settles down and we have a good visit, he is mostly clear and can tell me about the activities he's been doing. After anywhere from 10 minutes to a half an hour, he starts to get up and says something like "well, I have to get back to them" and he heads back to the ward. It seems that the sameness of routine, everyone doing basically the same thing that he is, the confinement and structure is actually a comfort and security to him. Occasionally he'll ask about coming home, but he seems to be doing well and better than I expected. The staff are very caring and he is in a class routine at the Treatment Mall Monday through Friday, so he does not stay in the same building or space all the time.  Here is an excerpt of an email I received on October 1st from the Rehab coordinator.

"He has had good participation and interacts well with group facilitators and his peers.   One of his groups has an exercise part at the very beginning and he was able to exercise along with the DVD with some modifications to some of the exercises. He was able to follow directions and participated well in the various activities. His groups focus on social interaction, participation as well as cognitive skills such as memory and attention/focus. One facilitator mentioned that he repeats himself frequently and can be loud at times but was easily re-directed. In yesterday afternoon’s group he participated well in various games. Towards the end of the session they played Uno. He took the lead at times with explaining rules and keeping up with who’s turn it was etc. Towards the end he seemed to get a little frustrated with some of the other clients who needed more staff assistance because they were having a little difficulty playing. He was easily directed and was able to continue playing. He later began saying “no, no, no” and was unable to say what was going on. Staff talked to him and he was able to remain  in group for the rest of the session.  He has not demonstrated any inappropriate behavior."

As I said earlier, he became harder to redirect last week, much like the cycle we've seen over the past 2+ years. New medication seems to help and calm for a time, then the erratic behavior comes back again.

A couple of weeks ago 3 representatives from NRLC (Neurological Rehabilitation Living Centers) in Virginia Beach came and evaluated Mike. They think he would fit well with their program and I think Mike would love it. Unfortunately, it is somewhere between $450-$550/day. If the DAP (Discharge Assistance Project) funding wasn't frozen, it might be able to help significantly with the cost, but no one knows when that funding will be available again. Also, NRLC does not take Medicaid. Thus, NRLC seems to be well out of reach, but anything is possible with God. There may be other funding sources, or another similar facility that does take Medicaid. After the initial 30 day commitment to CSH, Mike was recommitted for up to 180 days; however, we are running into the same issues I ran into last year in trying to find a suitable and affordable placement.

I have been feeling a lot of stress and near panic attacks in the resent weeks. I've restarted an anti-anxiety medication and I know in my head that God is in control and there is nothing I can do, but my body is betraying me. I've been asking God to please tell me something. About 10 days ago, I bought something at the store and it came to $3.33. I just noticed it because it was all the same number.  Then a couple of nights in a row, I woke up at 3:33 AM.  OK, something is going on….So I prayed, God are you trying to tell me something?  The name “Jeremiah” popped into my head.  I got my Bible and was about to look up Jeremiah 3:33, but the thought came, no, 33:3. OK, so I looked up Jeremiah 33:3 and this is what it says:  “Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.”  Wow!  God Answered me. He was telling me that I can’t “Google” or research what I need to know, I just need to keep on calling out to Him and He will tell me great things and things I cannot find out on my own.  I just need to stay in His Word daily, and keep praying, seeking, resting, waiting, trusting. Letting go of control, worry, and anxiety. Last Wednesday my counselor prescribed going to a nearby lake, sitting and just being. It was wonderful and after her other words of wisdom during our session, I have felt less stressed, more relaxed and calm. God will provide what is needed in His timing. I do covet your prayers that I will be able to continue to rest in His all sufficiency.

Different Direction

Last Thursday, September 4, I spoke with Kris, the social worker, at Central State. After having Mike at the facility for 2 weeks, they were starting to see his many "faces" - the faces that we live with on a daily basis. How sometimes he can focus and speak clearly, read, handle his ADLs (Activities of Daily Living), be cooperative and participate in Treatment Mall activities and then, without warning, he can be the exact opposite of all of those things. The perseveration increased again and redirection is difficult. As Kris and I talked, it was evident that he would not be coming home any time soon and we were talking about long-term solutions. Kris told me that District 19-CSB (Community Service Board) would be involved to assist in looking for a TBI facility.

This took me by surprise. You wouldn't think so, after all this time, but it did. I was still thinking I would bring him home and just have to have him more sedated. However, as we talked, realization was breaking through and I knew I could not continue to care for him in his current condition. I was breaking down mentally and emotionally. Just the same, it is a very difficult thing to decide to commit my husband, who is only 58 years old and strong of body, to a long-term care facility. After we hung up, I went for a long prayer walk to calm the panic and seek God's voice.

Shortly after Mike went to CSH, I felt that God was telling me to "let go". At the time, I thought it was letting go of feeling that I had made a mess of things and failed Mike, that I could have done more, letting go of my thoughts on medication, etc. As I walked and prayed on September 4, there was a real sense of "it's time, Jennifer, for you to let go of control of caring for Mike by yourself and entrust him to Me (God)." It hit me all of a sudden. I was starting to have a martyr complex, believing it was God's will that I bring Mike home and it wasn't. Just the night before, when I was praying, I told God that I was Mike's advocate, but I needed someone to advocate for me. Here was Central State Hospital staff and District 19 staff and they were doing exactly that...advocating for me (& Mike). The very fact that he needed more help than I could give him. That committing him to a long-term care facility wasn't abandoning him or even conceding that he may never get better, but the fact that a 24 hour facility was much better equipped to keep him safe, work with him at many levels, and give him the best chance of getting better or getting into a daily routine that would benefit him. Even if he doesn't understand this, hopefully he'll be able to accept it, in time.

Over the next few days, I talked with all of our immediate family on both sides. I think most of them had decided this needed to happen long ago. It is such a blessing to have the support of all of our family. It has been a long 28 months and they've been right with us for the long haul. Even though we all know this is the right step, it is still a sad reality. Please pray for peace for all of us. It's easy to get blindsided at times and dragged down by despair. Pray also for God's hand in where Mike will be placed. My prayer is that it is a progressive-thinking facility that will encourage participants to be the best they can be. One that will allow Mike to exercise and be involved in small daily tasks like setting the table, washing dishes, cleaning, raking, making a sandwich, etc. He does much better when he is active and feels useful, not helpless. Routine has always been important to him and with TBI I've read it's even more crucial. I know a facility will do a better job of that than I did.

With all of this, he will definitely have to go on Medicaid, so I am meeting with an attorney on Tuesday at 2:00 pm to start that process again. Please pray I remember all of the paperwork I need to take with me. Attorneys are expensive and I want to make the most of the initial appointment!

On Tuesday, God gave me a beautiful devotional as a reassurance that we're headed in the right direction. This is excerpts from Dr. Charles Stanley's daily devotional for September 9, 2014 entitled "The Blessings of Inadequacy". Comments in parentheses are mine.

"No one likes the fear and frustration of dealing with challenges that are too big to handle, but God can use them for our good. 

Maybe you have never considered inadequacy a blessing. After all, it stirs up all sorts of uncomfortable emotions that make us feel insignificant and weak. But God can turn the negatives into blessings if we acknowledge our helplessness, depend on His strength, and step into our challenges with confidence in Him.  Inadequacy can be a blessing since it: 

 • Drives us to God as we recognize our helplessness. 

 • Relieves us of the burden of trying to do God’s will in our own strength.  (That would be me!) 

 • Motivates us to live in the power of the Holy Spirit.

 • Provides an opportunity for the Lord to demonstrate what He can do. (Go Lord!) 

 • Increases our usefulness to God by replacing pride with humility. 

 • Allows Christ to receive all the glory.  (Yes! Very important!) 

 • Gives us peace as we rely on Him. 

 Through the power of the Holy Spirit, believers have the ability to endure difficulty and accomplish whatever the Lord calls them to do. By claiming the adequacy of Christ, we can face every circumstance with a sense of confidence—not in ourselves but in God, who is capable." 

Isn't that powerful? Such a blessing - I keep on re-reading it. Such a good reminder.

Mike will probably be at Central State for a good while. I know he would appreciate hearing from you. Be sure to include your return address as he likes to write letters sometimes. Even better, include an address label so he can just put it on the envelope. Here is the address:

Michael Rice
C/O Central State Hospital
Bldg. 94, Ward 4
P.O. Box 4030
Petersburg, VA 23803

New friends

P.S. to Central State

I went for a walk after posting the last blog and realized I left out a major blessing and source of encouragement that the Lord has given to us. At the end of June, the East Nottoway Charge received a new Pastor and his wife.

Pastor Randy and his wife, Karen, have been a huge blessing to Mike and I already and are quickly becoming dear friends. They took me down to Central State on Monday, August 25, for the hearing regarding having Mike committed on a Temporary Detention Order (TDO). The following day was Mike's 58th birthday and, again, Randy & Karen picked me up and drove to Petersburg. We stopped at Applebee's and bought supper and then drove to CSH to celebrate Mike's birthday with him with a special meal complete with strawberry cheesecake. Mike thanked them for coming to eat with him, ate heartily, and seemed to enjoy the conversation. Pastor Randy prayed over Mike before we left. They have truly been the hands and feet of Jesus to us (me especially) and I am so thankful that God has sent them here.

Central State

A week ago this past Friday, we had such a frantic, out-of-control episode with Mike that I called 911. He was a potential danger not only to himself, but also to others. Since late Friday night, August 22, Mike has been at Central State Psychiatric Hospital in Petersburg, VA. He had to be somewhat sedated over the first weekend, and then put back on Seroquel on a regular basis during the day. This makes him a bit more unstable physically, but I've finally come to the realization that it is preferable to having frantic episodes. Although my motives were good for getting him off of medication, we either went to quickly or took away the wrong ones. Also, I was way too slow to acknowledge that he was getting out-of-control and that he needed something to calm him down on a regular basis. I made a lot of mistakes and Mike and I both suffered for it. One good thing about reducing the Amantadine; however, seems that he is not repeating as much as before. We went from 2 pills a day to 1 a day about 2 weeks ago now. Maybe there was some withdrawal also, I don't know.

Mike is doing fairly well at Central State. He is more content there than he was at Tucker's. They do not feel they are the best fit for him since his psychiatric issues are secondary to TBI, but I have been pleased with the staff, his care, and daily routine. Monday - Friday, he is taken to the "Treatment Mall". This is in a different building from where he is housed and he is able to check out books from the library, watch movies, plus interact with others through activities or classes. Last Friday he watched a film on anger management and each patient had to rate how they felt the person in the film did in managing his anger.

Mike is actually in a sort of holding pattern for 10 days. Central State is required to continue to look for a "more suitable" facility for 10 days. After that time, if they have not found a place, they would keep him or I will bring him home. In order for them to keep him, he would have to go on Medicaid. We went down that road about a year ago and for various reasons, it is not the best decision for us at this time. I am not rushing the process, but figure after the 10 days, I will bring him home. I just want to make sure he is fairly calm with the current medication and that I have something to give him in case of emergency before bringing him home.

Even though I was regularly communicating with Dr. Sellman and asking his advice, I was the one pushing to reduce meds. I am letting go of that and will just try to communicate a more realistic picture of what life at home is like and pray that Dr. Sellman will have the wisdom to know how to help us.

I've felt incredibly sad this week. This is such a learning process and I was so hopeful that Mike would be better with less medication. It's sad to see him in another facility, sad to think he has to be more sedated, sad that he's physically more unbalanced when he is on more medication, sad that we're still in this status after 28 months. However, God is always good to provide things for me to concentrate on other than our situation. Prior to this incident, I had been given the opportunity to share a message at church today. On Thursday, August 21, I felt the Lord gave me a message to share so I agreed to do it. Focusing on God's word and preparing this talk, kept me from falling into deeper despair. God always provides a way for me to escape that I might be able to bear it.

I covet your prayers for wisdom for the treatment team at Central State, decisions I need to make, Mike's safety and calmness and the right blend of medication before he comes home.