Tough Times

I Timothy 4:9&10

“This is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance (and for this we labor and strive), that we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all men, and especially of those who believe.”

Well, as I continued to try to go down on the Risperdal dosage, the perseveration and anxiety increased and we lost the cognition improvement. So I cannot get him completely off of the Risperdal for now. The good times were few and far between this past week and the tough times were tougher.  Today (Sunday) was rough until about 7pm.  Here's some of the highs and lows of the week:

Mon. – Pulled weeds, trimmed some shrubs, and put down some mulch in the morning. Mike and I drove to Farmville in the afternoon to get his photo ID. He was very anxious in the car so had to give a pill. He calmed down, was OK at DMV, we ate out at Charlie's sitting on the patio by the river, and went to a movie.  Thankfully there were only 4 of us in the theater, because Mike kept standing up.  

Tues. - Calm morning, worked outside. Hit a rough spot with Londa, while I was in town.  He went out and got in her car and she had left her keys in the ignition.  Thankfully she beat him to the keys! After that, he was riled up, wanted the keys and would not be distracted.  I was given another wonderful gift while in town.  Our taxes were done "on the house".  It made me cry right on the spot.  The generosity of folks throughout this past year has been a truly humbling experience and a very real blessing to us. I am very grateful for these unexpected gifts and am learning to graciously accept. I think, too often, our own pride gets in the way of being blessed and allowing someone else to be blessed in the giving. So many people want to do something, and it is like a shower of blessings all around both the givers and the receivers.

 A funny happening - Mike was not able to focus in the afternoon, but he did ride with Daddy over to the pond.  When they came back, I was planting flowers and did not hear Mike come up behind me. He walked up behind me, said "boo" and turned and walked away.  That was a highlight and I laughed out loud! J

Wed.  - Even with the meds., it was a very rough day.  I became aggravated with having to clean Mike up again after numerous times of trying to get him in the bathroom and evidently fussed at him too much. He got stuck on phrases having to do with "poop or pee" almost all day.  Lots of agitation and repeating. He was unable to focus on anything else.  

Coley and the sign language interpreter.

Thurs. - Rough start, but then a terrific morning, then a very difficult afternoon.  Mike was pacing around when the cleaning ladies came and then he went out the door and sat in their car. (no keys)  Next thing we know, he is walking fast toward the highway!  I took off running, Coley saw us and came zipping down the lane on the Kabota and picked us up. Mike wanted to GO somewhere so she took him with her to do something with the heifers. (Coley has been so kind and come and given me an hour off here and there, while she does something with Mike. She even helped me one day when he was not cooperating in getting cleaned up. He's very strong and now if he doesn't want me to clean him up, I cannot do it on my own. She commented that that was a better work out than P90X! Constant resistance!) After he came back, we worked in the yard and then followed Coley around as she gave a farm tour to a middle school group of special needs students.  Mike got back into his teacher role for a bit by trying to get a reluctant student to enter the barn and then telling another student to "pay attention".  Afterwards he was asking Coley more questions too.

After lunch, Coley took him to go ride with Hugh on the huge tractor that pulls 3 things behind it, one of them planting corn.  Soon TR switched with Hugh and Mike rode with him. Well, when Hugh brought Mike home later, he was very upset that TR had not come with them and was determined that TR needed rescuing. Rescuing turned to wrestling him to the ground and Mike was frantic that TR had just been left behind and abandoned.  After a pill, I push/walked (I walk behind him with gentle pressure and direction so that he cannot grab me) with Mike all the way around by both ponds trying to distract him and change the subject, but to no avail. We even had Daddy call TR and Mike talked with him, but Mike would not be distracted.  I tried playing a game, puzzle, working in the yard, snack, etc.  Finally got him walking around the outside of the house (instead of in and out) and I planted some hostas. He was so tired that he was listing to the side and stumbling, but he would not sit down. Tried the porch rocking chair, inside with the TV, in the golf cart - not happening.  He finally came out with me and would walk, stop and sit in the golf cart or the truck for about 2 seconds and then walk some more.

Fri. - Mike up at 5am could not go back to sleep, became frantic.  Finally calm at breakfast and able to answer some questions.  Kallyn was with him most of the day. He seemed tired. (no wonder!)  I had to go to town to sign Farm Bureau car insurance papers. I was feeling down about our situation, discouraged and just generally dragging. The underwriter had been a bit difficult about not having Mike on the insurance. I had done all they asked, Dr. note saying he cannot drive, voided NC driver's license, etc. The agent told me that last Friday he had seen Mike, Kallyn and I at Wendy's so he had finally told the underwriter "Look, this lady's got it tough already, you don't need to make this any harder for her. From what I saw, Mike is not able to drive anything at this time." She approved the insurance.  God-incident?  I think so. Mike was fairly lucid in the afternoon.  Played 4 Pics/1 word on iPad.

Sat. - Mike helped plant lettuce on his hands and knees!  This is great because he needs to stretch his left fingers and wrist.  In the afternoon we had the great fortune of watching my niece, Erin, practice flying a black hawk helicopter while scooping up

water and then releasing it over the reservoir just outside of Blackstone. It was so exciting!  There were 2 helicopters and they did a great job of hovering so still over the water.  We were sprayed with water (lightly) and nearly blown off our feet (slight exaggeration!) when they were close to the bank. We watched for almost an hour, then did some errands in town.  After we got home, Dad and I planted corn he had started in the green house and Mike paced.  

Sun. - Mike was calm first thing, but started repeating. I went upstairs to get ready for church, and when I came back down he was nowhere to be seen.  I drove all over and then came back through the farmyard, praying and asking God where to look. As I sat there, I could hear a tractor running and looked and there was Mike sitting in the cab of a large tractor with the huge spreader attached. FEAR!  Praise God for allowing me to hear that tractor and that Mike did not figure out how to get it in gear.  He got a tongue lashing from me.  We made it to church and he did well.  

Lately, he just acts like he is starving and thinks I'm not feeding him.  I had him write down what he ate yesterday and even took a video of him eating his lunch. After watching the helicopters, he said "you cannot say we have had lunch". I pulled out the video, but he wasn't convinced.  Today was particularly bad.  He wanted lunch just after we had eaten and cleaned up, plus he eats so fast that sometimes he chokes. We took a walk, had a nice visit from my cousin Billy and his wife, Carolyn, finished a puzzle, rested and then from 6-7pm Mike walked up the back steps, through the bedrooms, down the front steps, through the living room, kitchen, over and over. Then he started bringing things down with him. Oh dear. Before supper, he read a National Geographic, was calm during and after supper and watched TV on his own for a bit also. So unpredictable!

This Thursday we go to the new Dr. in Richmond.  Please pray.  After some of the incidences this week and especially the tractor incident, I am concerned. He is not able to really work with us in the gardening.  He does well pulling weeds, but the heat does seem to bother him. I am really thinking I need to find a day program for him and if he doesn't improve, we may even have to consider a residential place. This is not easily done emotionally or financially. Please pray. I cannot keep up with him 24/7 and he can be a danger to himself, others, and farm equipment.  This is very tough to even think about, but it's been almost a year and in some things we are going backwards instead of forwards, plus I cannot keep up this pace.  I still wonder if there was already some dementia before the accident and if that was the cause of the accident. Will mention it to Dr. Silver.

I did submit an application for a brain injury camp in May, Camp Bruce McCoy at the Triple R ranch in Chesapeake, VA. Please pray that they still have openings and that Mike will be able to attend and enjoy that.  He says he wants to go. I'm hoping for 2 weeks. I would just really like the break and it would be good for him to be catered to also. Am also looking at Camp Jaycee in July that Coley told me about.

I must say that I am experiencing and enjoying much more freedom being here.  My family is so helpful, being able to garden is my kind of therapy, and having wide open spaces to walk is wonderful. I don’t think Mike feels much freedom, yet. Please continue to pray for his healing, wisdom for the Doctors, and wisdom in decision making.  It's 11:18 and time for bed.  I just want to share this portion of a devotional by Charles Spurgeon:

"Perfect in Christ Jesus."  Colossians 1:28

"Do you not feel in your own soul that perfection is not in you? Does not every day teach you that? Every tear which trickles from your eye, weeps "imperfection;" every sigh which bursts from your heart, cries "imperfection"; every harsh word which proceeds from your lip, mutters "imperfection". You have too frequently had a view of your own heart to dream for a moment of any perfection in yourself. But amidst this sad consciousness of imperfection, here is comfort for you--you are "perfect in Christ Jesus." In God's sight, you are "complete in Him;" even now you are "accepted in the Beloved." But there is a second perfection, yet to be realized, which is sure to all the seed. Is it not delightful to look forward to the time when every stain of sin shall be removed from the believer, and he shall be presented faultless before the throne, without spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing?" 

Oh, how I long for that day!  When I will be done with sin forever! I have seen my own heart far too frequently in these months and there is no perfection in myself.  Thanks be to God for giving us His son, and that He only sees us through the perfect sacrifice of Jesus who paid our debt. Perfect in Him, Wow!