Crying Heart

My heart is crying today. Have you ever had one of those days that nothing in particular happened, yet a pile up of emotions suddenly surfaces without warning and comes crashing out uncontrollably? Yes? No? Well, I have and today is one of them. It started after giving a prayer request for Mike in church and then a hymn about hopes and dreams and my emotions were spilling out of my eyes and sobs coming from the depths of my heart.

Mike has had a couple of rough weeks. I never know what to expect when I get a call at any time of the day or night. It's not an emergency, but...Mike fell out of the wheelchair.  Mike has a skin tear on his left leg. Mike won't stay in the bed. Mike is extremely agitated and we're having to keep him at the nurses station. Mike has a skin tear on his hand. Mike fell out of bed. Mike might have bruises on his arm because we had to hold him down to get blood-work to check for infection. Mike might have a UTI. Mike threw up.

He almost always has skin tears on his left shin. That's the leg that he keeps in almost constant motion. One day, as I came down the hall, he had a hardback book scraping it along his shin, he hits it on the wheelchair or a table and who knows what else. They try to bandage it, but he pulls the bandages off. We're going to try support hose type socks which hopefully he won't be able to remove.

This week I requested to speak with the psych PA and asked her if there was anything we can try to calm him. Instead of something new she wanted to try going back up on the Seroquel, but it seems to have back-fired or isn't in his system yet. I received a call last night that Mike was more agitated and almost fell out of the wheelchair, but since he was seated at the nurses station, they were able to prevent the fall.

Wednesday was unusually interesting. Our friend, Kristin, from NC drove up for a visit, meeting me at the facility. I was feeding Mike out on the covered deck when she arrived. It was quite hot, so after he finished we went inside and tried to walk with him in the cool. As we came down the hall, another resident was in the hall with his rollator on which he had a radio. For some reason, Mike wanted to ram his walker into this resident. Kristin and I were able to maneuver him away and head in the other direction. Then one of the staff started talking with Mike and he rammed into her and started following her. She laughed and told him to come get her and he sure tried! Whichever way she went, Mike followed and if she stopped, he ran into her. He was picking up speed as he went too. I told her she had aroused the competitive nature in Mike. She continued with us until we were back at his chair. 

We thought we would get him to sit down, but now he rammed into the chair, so I figured - can't hurt! I asked Kristin to steer the wheelchair while I held on to Mike and we sailed around the halls and nurses station with Mike intent on shoving that chair as hard as he could. When we would make a U turn, he would speed up and almost lose his balance trying to keep up with the chair. It was strange, but he was determined so we went around at least 2 times, maybe 3. The painters and nurses were getting a real kick out of watching us. One painter said he was going to start timing us. Crazy! By the time we got Mike in his chair to sit, he was breathing heavily.

A fairly new CNA had stopped me one day several weeks ago and asked me how I got Mike to walk with me. I told her and this past week she came to his room and excitedly told me that Mike had walked with her and the PT assistant for probably 20 minutes one day. I was so happy to hear that and so thankful for her willingness to try. She promised that she will continue to try to walk with him whenever she has the opportunity. I am quite grateful.

One of my other stressors this week has been the Creamery bookkeeping. The point-of-sale and accounting software were not communicating properly and trying to figure out the issue with software support was frustrating. It's still not completely straight, so I will do battle with that again tomorrow. Technology: time-saving when it works and time-consuming when it doesn't. One thing for certain is that every time I have a problem I sure do learn more. 

I have struggled this week with anxiety, depression, stress, and an overall tiredness of this never-ending journey. I know God sees, cares, has a plan, I know it. I know I am so blessed with family, friends, and many comforts and ease, I know it. I read about the persecuted Christians and martyrs and all that they have or are enduring and feel ashamed at my wimpiness. They have stood the tests, endured the torture, watched as loved ones were beaten or killed and yet stayed strong. They are my encouragement, my heroes, my real-life examples to never give up or give in to the emotions and feelings that would bury me. Compared to them my life is so easy.

Then, of course, the greatest example of all is our Lord Jesus Christ, who willingly came knowing the pain and suffering He must bear on our behalf. He did it all for the love of His Father and for us. What great love. Because of His great love, I can let the tears and emotions come, but not be overcome to the point of despair and no hope. He is with Mike, He is with me and He is with you, if you only believe. 

So, while my heart is crying, I will draw my strength from Christ and those who have been such a great cloud of witnesses for me. 

Hebrews 12:1-3

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, 

let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. 

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 

fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. 

For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, 

and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 

Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, 

so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."