Wildflower Heart

Yesterday I finally took the time to plant the little wildflower heart that was attached to the box of Mike's ashes. The day happened to coincide with the 6 month marker of when Jesus called Mike home. Six months, wow! Life really does go on and quickly. Below is a photo of the biodegradable box, with the little heart on top. In August the Rice family will gather from various parts of the U.S. to release Mike's ashes into the ocean. 

Several weeks ago, I decided I wanted to plant the flowers in a pot rather than putting them in the ground, so went in search of something special. I'm not sure what I had in mind, but wasn't seeing anything that really caught my attention. Then I came upon one with a design at the top that reminded me of ocean waves and it seemed perfect. Mike's favorite place to be was at the ocean. Any ocean.

I hesitated to break the wildflower heart apart, but I knew the flowers would look better in the pot if they were more scattered so I tentatively broke it in two pieces, then four, and finally five. You know me, I'm always looking for ways that God is speaking in the different situations of life and as I was doing this I was seeking Him. Death and grief can break our hearts, but Jesus came to heal the broken-hearted so I can't say that I feel my heart is broken - Jesus is there. It is sore at times and tears still come, but my heart is also full of Christ and rejoicing at other times. 

Yesterday I rejoiced in an absolutely gorgeous day with low humidity for July in southern Virginia. A perfect day to work outside. So as I broke the little heart apart, I thought of how Mike and I started as two hearts that came together, then our little family grew to four as we welcomed our two sons. When I looked at the small fifth piece, I was amazed to see that the image of one of the doves was completely intact. God's Holy Spirit was right there in the midst of my breaking and planting as He always had been in Mike's and my life together and in life with our sons. Grief is an ongoing process, but as we do all the big and little things to remember our loved ones, it also allows us to loosen our grip a bit more and draw nearer to God who wants to breathe new life and encouragement into us even in the midst of heartache.

I placed the pot near the delicate forget-me-nots that have bloomed so cheerily this Spring and even now. It's the first time I've ever planted them and I've enjoyed them so much. They are right by the back door, so I see them several times a day as I go in and out.      

Psalm 147:3   

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

I am doing well, all praise to God! A month ago I started leading the adult Sunday School class in the book of Revelation. Last Fall TableTalk Magazine's daily readings went through Revelation and it was so eye-opening, exciting and encouraging to me that I wanted to share what I was learning. After much prayer and no small amount of trepidation, we began. Besides the notes I take from TableTalk and the Reformation Study Bible and other commentaries, we are also watching Dr. Robert Godfrey's Revelation DVD series called "Blessed Hope". I am learning so much and God has really given me an excitement and desire to study this amazing unveiling that He has given to us. I try to be organized, but often have so much I want to share that I get lost in my notes and fumble around on Sunday morning, but thankfully God says His word will not return void and the class members are very kind. We are going very slowly and hope to be finished by the end of the year. I would appreciate your prayers that we would heed what the Scriptures say to us. "He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches." Rev. 2:7

Case in point, I meant to share the below verse at the beginning of class today since it is Independence Day and completely overlooked it a the top of my notes:

Galatians 5:13

"You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love."

How blessed we are to live in a free country where we can still meet and discuss the Bible openly without fear. Yet, greater still is our freedom in Christ that no man can take away. I am so thankful for all the soldiers who sacrificed so much so that we can live freely and greater still Jesus' sacrifice that we may live freely for all eternity. My heart is full and thankful. 

Happy 4th!

P.S. I received a notice when I opened up the blog this time that the subscriber email will no longer be supported as of July 2021. I don't know if that means it has already stopped or not, but if you are subscribing to this blog and want to continue to get any posts I send, please leave me a comment with your email address. I moderate all comments before posting them, so will not publicly post your information. 

37 Years and Happy St. Patrick's Day

Thirty-seven years ago on St. Patrick's day 1984, Mike and I were married. I praise God that through the ups and downs, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health we made it through until death we did part on January 3, 2021. Our marriage truly is a testament to the grace of God and how He brought us through whatever difficulties or differences came our way. We fought for our marriage and God was faithful to guide and direct us and gave us much joy along the way also.

A few weeks ago I went to our local jeweler with a special request. With inspiration from my friend, Sandy, I wanted to have a new piece of jewelry made from Mike's and my wedding bands and my engagement ring. Mr. Watkins asked me what I liked. While waiting to speak with someone, I saw a pendant that I liked. He had the idea to reduce Mike's wedding band and put it on the outside of the pendant. I am a visual person so at first couldn't see it, but then I thought of putting my diamond in the center, then I asked if my band could be enlarged and this is what we ended up with: the gold pendant, with my ring snug against the outside of it, then Mike's ring snug against mine in the center of his band. Mr. Watkins wanted to keep the setting of my diamond so was able to cut the whole setting off and center it on the pendant. 

A week later it was ready to be picked up and I couldn't be happier with the result. I think it is beautiful and it is so meaningful to me to be able to wear both of our bands. I really like that Mike's still looks like his wedding band. I always liked his hands and can picture his ring on his long, lean finger when I look down at the necklace.

My band is rather hidden between the pendant and Mike's band and I couldn't help but see a beautiful symbolism there. Mike's band is on the outside, the protector and shield as a man is to be for his wife and as Christ is for the church, plus we are to die to our old self and our "life be hidden with Christ in God". It all goes back to the fact that God held us together as we set our minds on Him and our lives were hidden in Christ's.

Colossians 3:1-3

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory."

I never think of a before picture until after, so I don't have a picture of the individual pieces. However, I went back to our wedding album to find photos of the rings and Mike's hand. It will give you a glimpse.

Here's the new piece of keepsake jewelry.

I miss our anniversary trips, Mike. 

Although...

we never took trips - only adventures. 

Unexpected Gifts & Tears

Beautiful bouquet from Amy's 
parents was awaiting me when
I arrived in NC.

Free bouquet when I was checking
out from Food Lion one day.

God has provided the gift of beautiful flowers in unexpected ways from friends and Food Lion! I appreciate them and have enjoyed them so much! Thank you!

Grief is an odd thing, a sort of bittersweet gift. I really thought I had already grieved Mike throughout the years since his accident and I had, but his death has brought about a whole new and different level of grief. Throughout the 8+ years after his accident, I had grieved the loss of his personality, his normal, the energetic guy I knew and loved, talking with Mike, not just to Mike. Over the years it seemed I lost a little bit more of him ever so slowly. Yet, as long as he was still alive and up until Covid put us all on lock-down, I could still be with him, touch him, do little things for him, and there was hope. Hope that God would still do a miracle and heal his damaged brain, hope that I would wake up beside him once again, hope that he would get to play with his grandchildren and relate with our sons as adults and get to know their wives. All those hopes died with Mike. Death was a final taking of Mike - physically he is gone now as well. I will no longer see him or touch him on this earth.  Not that I would want him back the way he was; I rejoice that he is free and whole and with Jesus. Yet, grief comes.

The night Mike died, the nurse asked me what I wanted them to do with all of his clothes and personal belongings. I told her if there was someone there who could use his clothes then I'd like to give them away. We had bought him new things for Christmas, but I doubt he had even had a chance to wear them. The rest of his things were packed up and I picked them up the next week. After-the-fact, there were 3 things I wished the boys or I had: one of Mike's OSU t-shirts, his orange jacket and his old leather Bible.  I was fairly certain Keegan already had Mike's Bible, but needed to check because it was not in the box of Mike's things. For some reason I thought his orange jacket was there, but when we Zoomed with the family one night that week and I said something about it, Caleb said: "I have that jacket, you gave it to me last Fall!" Yay! I was so pleased. I don't know exactly why I suddenly had an attachment to that jacket, except that Mike wore it a lot right before his accident and there are several photos with him wearing it. 

That left the t-shirt. I had not asked for one and I was not going to go back and ask for something that had already been given to someone else, but the want of one would cycle through my mind from time to time. On February 4, almost exactly one month from his death, I received a small package in the mail from Appomattox Health & Rehab. When I opened it, there was one of Mike's OSU t-shirts with a little sticky note that said: "We found this treasure in laundry". Tears came as I looked in amazement at what God had done. He heard the desire of my heart and through the kindness of the AH&RC staff who were listening to the prompting of His Spirit, I received one of Mike's old, worn shirts. Included in the package was a precious note from one of the staff. On the outside directly under the printed words "Thank You" was another sticky note that said "for the privilege of loving & knowing Michael..." She wrote about how much they missed him and that they were grieving with me. I gathered up that note and the t-shirt and went to my room and sobbed all over it. To me that OSU t-shirt was a precious gift from the hand of God to my aching heart. Even though I didn't realize I needed them, tears are a gift of grief and provide a much-needed release.

Grief hits at unexpected times and from unexpected sources. This past week I was driving in my car and listening to music through Pandora. A song I had heard before, but wasn't real familiar with came on and the words went right to my grief spot and gentle tears flowed with the beautiful words and melody. I came home and looked it up. It's a song by Lifehouse called "Where You Are" and I found it on YouTube. You can listen to it here: https://youtu.be/TG4zXE0_7yA . The writer captures the feelings of grief so well and I could closely identify with missing the sunshine on Mike's face and the little things that I didn't realize would mean so much to me. (Like an old t-shirt, certain gestures, his laugh.) However the song says "wherever you are" and I know where Mike is. He loved God's son, Jesus, and through faith had trusted Him; therefore the Bible assures me that Mike is with His Savior and Lord. That is why even in the midst of grief and tears there is great joy also. 

Ephesians 2:8-9

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; 

it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast."

I John 2:23-25

"No one who denies the Son has the Father. Whoever confesses the Son has the Father also. Let what you heard from the beginning abide in you. If what you heard from the beginning abides in you, then you too will abide in the Son and in the Father. And this is the promise that he made to us - eternal life."

Mike's Memorial Services - January 23, 2021

We started on Saturday morning, January 23, 2021 in Keegan and Amy's backyard. Just the 6 of us. (plus Brody 😊) We sang a few verses of "Amazing Grace", read Psalm 1, Keegan and I each shared a memory, we sang "I Love You, Lord" and then symbolically sprinkled mulch around a redbud tree that I gave them back in the Fall. It was sweet, simple and special with the grandgirls singing and participating. We also sang Micah 6:8 which was another of Mike's favorite verses.

"He has shown thee, O man, 

what is good and what the Lord

requires of thee.

But to do justly, and to love mercy

and to walk humbly with thy God."

Then we piled in the car and headed to David and Renee's house out in the country. It was a gorgeous, sunny day in the low 40's with a breeze, so it was a bit chilly, but we bundled up well and praised God for a beautiful January day. The dog and ducks greeted us, along with David and Eric, as we arrived and later as we were running/walking the alpacas watched with interest.

It was such a lovely spot by the pond and I think Mike would have been so happy that his memorial service was held outside, in casual attire, followed by a fun run/walk where adults and children were enjoying each other's company while exercising. It truly fit his personality and likes better than the normal/traditional type service. 

Again we read Psalm 1 which was even more fitting now that we were standing beside the water.

Blessed is the person who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,
Nor stand in the path of sinners,
Nor sit in the seat of scoffers!
But his delight is in the Law of the Lord,
And on His Law he meditates day and night.
He will be like a tree planted by streams of water,
Which yields its fruit in its season,
And its leaf does not wither;
And in whatever he does, he prospers.
The wicked are not so,
But they are like chaff which the wind blows away.
Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
Nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
For the Lord knows the way of the righteous,
But the way of the wicked will perish.

Keegan and I both shared how Mike was such a faithful follower of God. How he rose early every morning in order to spend an hour in Bible reading and prayer before he started getting physically ready to go to work. Even after Mike's brain injury the overflow of his heart would spontaneously come out at times when he would ask a passerby "Do you know Jesus?" 

It was a precious time of remembrance. We shared some stories, some laughs and some tears while the wind blew, ducks quacked, children played and giggled, leaves rustled, dogs ran and the sun shone. It was perfect. 

Then we moved from the back yard to the front yard for a beautifully unorganized walk/run where all these precious children of God wholeheartedly jumped in to support us in this way of remembering my husband and Keegan's Dad. The alpacas and mules watched curiously as the dogs, children, and adults went around and around, or this way and that, with much talking, laughing, energy, and fun. 

I love these "kids" who have loved me and supported me through these past TBI years. Most never knew Mike. Even my daughter-in-law, Amy, only met Mike twice before his accident. Mike never had the privilege of really knowing our daughters-in-law or grandchildren nor they him. Yet God provided this extended family whenever I went to visit Keegan and Amy and they truly have loved me well these past years and especially rallied around us on short notice to make this celebration of Mike's life happen and help me with a sense of closure. God is so gracious and pushed us to think outside of the box and then beautifully orchestrated what I think was a perfect celebration of Mike's life. 

Another God-incident and blessing to me was the fact that Mike's memorial was held at David and Renee's. David is the only one of the group who knew Mike for several years before his accident and David always made a point to ask me how Mike was and how I was doing whenever he saw me. That always meant so much to me.  Thank you, David. 

His sweet wife, Renee, offered to provide food for our gathering along with help from others in their church which was so precious also. So after the run and spending time outside with the animals, we enjoyed a delicious meal and fellowship with one another. David hooked up my computer to his big screen TV so that we could project photos from Mike's life. We had sung "Great is Thy Faithfulness" during our time by the pond, but I also wanted to play "Only Jesus" by Casting Crowns so we put that on while the photos were being shown. Keegan said that was his favorite part. Being able to share who his Dad was with his friends by looking at old photos. I'm so thankful for each one of you who came and shared this special memory with us. I don't know who provided what, but you sure did make it easy and special for us. THANK YOU ALL!

My dear friend, Kristin, and her son, McKay, arrived a little later and we enjoyed a walk after lunch. She knew Mike well also, so it was fun to reminisce with her. Other family and friends joined us in the memorial walk wherever they were. Some sent me their photo or posted it on FaceBook or sent me a text telling me what they had done. There was everything from running, walking, cycling, hiking, and wood-chopping as people remembered Mike where they were in our non-traditional, pandemic style memorial. I am grateful to each and everyone. 

As we drove away that Saturday heading back to Keegan and Amy's, my heart was full and I rejoiced in God's goodness to me, to us. Mike had been remembered well, the restlessness in my heart was gone and replaced with a sense of release and peace and joy. The Lord had indeed provided above and beyond what I could have imagined just one short week prior. He abundantly provided what I needed in amazing new ways that fit the memory of my Mike perfectly. What an AWESOME GOD!

Philippians 1:21

"For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain."

In Memory of Mike

Romans 8:38-39 (NCV)

Yes, I am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor ruling spirits, 

nothing now, nothing in the future, no powers, nothing above us, nothing below us, 

nor anything else in the whole world will ever 

be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I arrived at Keegan and Amy's about 4:00 in the afternoon yesterday. What a joy to be with them and their lively little girls! In less than 24 hours we've read several books, taken 2 walks, played at the park, played hide & seek, done multiple puzzles, sung songs, danced, talked and laughed. Keegan, Amy and I stayed up too late sharing memories and talking of life with Mike and what we'd like the memorial to be. 

We're going to start with a small memorial in their backyard at 10:00 Saturday morning by reading Psalm 1 which was one of Mike's favorite Scriptures, share a few memories and sing a song and symbolically scatter some dirt around a tree I gave them for Christmas and set stones around it. After that we will head to the country and gather with a few from their church for another time of sharing Scripture, remembering Mike and singing followed by a one mile fun run/walk in Mike's memory, and then a winter picnic (Covid style). Thankfully it's supposed to be in the high 40's and sunny.

My niece, Coley, asked what time we were planning to do the fun run/walk because she wanted to do it at the same time in her location. What a great idea! This sparked the idea to invite anyone that would like to do the same wherever you are. We will probably be running/walking about 11:30a.m. EST. I'm planning to wear OSU colors, scarlet & gray, and will be walking - my back dislikes running. If you would like to join the memorial in this way, that would be very special to us and we'd love for you to take a photo and send it to us or post it on my FaceBook page.

Michael C. Rice
August 26, 1956 - January 3, 2021

Missing the 4 F's

Funeral/Memorial Service - I didn't realize the extent of uneasiness I would feel at NOT having a Funeral or Memorial Service at this time. It feels like I'm in limbo, waiting for ?? something - is this real? Basically everything I have associated with someone's death my entire life has not and cannot happen during this pandemic stage of life. It stinks and leaves me feeling frustrated and annoyed with a real sense of disquietude. Unfortunately, there are people all over the world experiencing the same sad reality.

Family -  Our Rice family Zoomed together on Wednesday night, but it is NOT the same as being together face-to-face, giving a hug, touching a shoulder, sharing spontaneous memories that pop up because of what someone else shares during a conversation, at a meal, or out for a walk. Being with those who knew Mike best and had done life with him. Everyone was feeling as I was - this is not right, it's not how it's supposed to be, it's not how we want it to be - going about our daily lives as if nothing ever happened, but it DID happen. Mike is no longer on this earth. I've lost my husband, Caleb & Keegan have lost their father, Lynn & Mark lost their brother, Mom Rice lost her son. Even though we are glad that he is free of his broken mind and body and assured that he is with Jesus, none of us can really go on with our lives without being affected, we still mourn and feel the loss and we can't even express it in the "normal" way. 

BUT we didn't dwell there while we looked at each other like the Brady Bunch in little boxes online. We spent the time sharing good, crazy, funny memories of Mike during our short time online together. It was fun and it was helpful, but yesterday I hit a wall. It was like I ran into a wall of annoyance and couldn't get around or over it all day. I wanted to be with my Rice family. I took a long walk, prayed, talked some frustrations out with Keegan, and at least can look forward to being with them in a few days. (The rest of the Rices are spread out from Arizona to Texas to Ohio - that reunion will have to wait until summer.) I asked if we could have a small memorial service in their backyard. Of course, he said, whatever I wanted to do. We have to look at this a new way.

Food - Food is not that big of a deal. We don't need food and a few people did bring food in during the first couple of days which was very thoughtful and kind and was appreciated. It's more what usually occurred around the food that I miss. Again, having lots of family, so that there was a need for the extra food, the conversations that happen at the table or around the island in the kitchen, people dropping in  with food and staying to talk or share a memory or give a hug or a pat on the back. Food after a service where you get to visit with more people and the women of the church show their gifts of hospitality and love by keeping the tables stocked with food and drink while people mingle. As you speak of your loved one and share memories and heartache, the tightness in your chest starts to loosen.

Flowers - If you know me, you know I love flowers. Not that I care much for the traditional funeral arrangements, but they are the bright spot at a funeral. They bring life, color, and a splash of vibrancy and joy into a solemn occasion. My friend, Sandy, sent me a beautiful arrangement of flowers.  Our husbands were at the same facility in Stanardsville and she lost Don four years ago. She understands.

You'll notice I did not add Friends to the list of missing F's. Praise God I have been able to talk, text and email with friends, plus I've been able to be with friends. I've gone to their house or they've come here. We've walked together and talked, hugged and cried. I praise God that the Sunday morning I received the news that Mike was in a weakened state I was at church having prayer with other women. Margaret gave me a hug, Diane came to be with Mom, and I know they prayed for me. God's provision. 

I also want to thank my Jones family. Hugh and Tracey came over Sunday night after Mike died so I wouldn't be alone. Hugh went with me to the funeral home twice in one day. Vivian packed up and came to take care of Mom arriving mid-afternoon Monday. Carol and Ed are coming this week so I can go to North Carolina and Gayle has offered to take time off from work and come when I need her. 

I'm thankful for my boys. Keegan wrote the part of the obituary that really captured who Mike was and Caleb told me he's most relieved for me and all I've been through for the 8 years, 8 months and 9 days Mike lived after the accident. No more calls at odd hours of the day or night, no more tough decisions, less stress.

I have so many people and so much to be thankful for, and I truly am thankful. Plus I know the good Lord will help me grieve and find closure even without the traditional 4 F's. Slowly I'm finding a new way and making it through. I've been going through photo albums and posting photos on FaceBook. That has been very therapeutic to remember Mike as he was prior to the accident and best of all to read other people's memories and how Mike influenced their lives. I have received many cards of comfort and caring where folks also shared memories, I've received private FB messages from former students. Nancy went with me to get Mike's belongings and we ate lunch together in the car and then took a walk afterwards to ease the tension.  The director of AH&RC called and told me how much they were hurting at the loss of Mike and how much they had come to love him. I appreciate all of this so much and it all helps.

After talking with Keegan yesterday, some ideas came and I look forward to a non-traditional memorial service next weekend. We even plan to have a 1 mile fun run/walk in Mike's memory with some of Keegan's church friends, many of whom are like an extension of our family and have shown me much love and care. I think Mike would like that very much!

The Lord will provide. That was going to be my theme for the year, but I had almost forgotten already. He is providing new ways. God has a way of upsetting our comfort and our traditions, but He remains steadfast and never leaves us.  

Isaiah 43:18-19

"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old.

Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? 

I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

Mike's Obituary with added photos

I wish I could add music to this post. As I'm sitting here putting this together, I am listening to beautiful instrumental hymns and it's very soothing. At most memorial or celebration of life services there are photos or powerpoint slide shows to remember our loved ones. Here's a small version of that which has been very therapeutic to me in remembering my man in better days. This top photo is one of my favorites which was taken a little over a year before his accident. 

Psalm 116:15

 “The death of one that belongs to the Lord

 is precious in His sight.” 

Michael Collins Rice went to be with his Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ, on Sunday, January 3, 2021 at 8:05 p.m. 

You might remember him as…
The "God bless you!" man, 
Or the "Be strong in the Lord" man, 
The birkenstocks and socks man, 
Or him who runs in short shorts, 
Or perhaps as the man you called upon to silence a crowd.

He was the God-fearing, confidence-exuding, Ohio State-loving, blood-donating,
random-fact-knowing, always stretching, yogurt-eating, ocean-loving, risk-taking,
Old man who just beat you in a 5k.

To his family he was: Son, Brother, Husband, Papa, and Grandpa
The son who never quit, 
The brother who stood firm for his family, 
The ever faithful husband, 
The father who yelled louder than any other at sporting events, 
The man of God who led our family into the presence of the Lord.

Mike is survived by his wife of 36 years, Jennifer Jones Rice; two sons Caleb (Anastasia) and Keegan (Amy); six grandchildren; his mother, Margaret Rice; brother Mark (Jenney); and sister Lynn Cipriano (Rogelio); plus many more extended family members and friends on both sides who have supported us throughout this journey. Mike is preceded in death by his father, Jim.

This is but a glimpse into the man we knew and loved prior to his accident over eight years ago. Our family rejoices that Mike’s long journey with TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) has come to an end. We want to give a special thanks to all those who so lovingly cared for Mike in the various hospitals and facilities throughout the years. His race is complete. 

2 Timothy 4:7 

 “I have fought the good fight, 

I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”

A memorial service will be held at a later date. In lieu of flowers, donations in Mike’s memory may be sent to Emmaus Bethania High School, P.O. Box 4000, Koror, Palau 96940.

Arrangements are by the Joseph McMillian Funeral Home of Blackstone, VA. www.mcmillianfuneralhome.com 

You may view the official Obituary and leave comments and memories of Mike at: https://www.mcmillianfuneralhome.com/obituary/michael-rice

Fishing trip in Palau, one of Mike's favorite places
 in the entire world. An island surrounded by
water where there is perpetual summer and he
taught and worked with young men.

Swimming with Caleb at the beautiful
rock islands of Palau.

Our journey together all started at Emmaus High School
in Koror, Palau where we both went as single missionaries.

After getting married in the U.S. we returned to Palau
and our little family grew to include our 2 boys, 
Caleb & Keegan

One Last Time

Psalm 16:8

"I have set the Lord always before me,

because He is at my right hand,

I will not be shaken."

Thank you so much for all of your prayers. I was nervous yesterday as I thought of going to the funeral home and still unsure whether I wanted to see Mike or not. As I prayed about it, I turned to my favorite Psalm 16 and when I read verse 8, I believed seeing Mike's face one last time, was what I wanted to do and that it would not shake me up, because the Lord was by my side.

Having my brother, Hugh, with me was great comfort and moral support and Joe McMillan made everything so smooth and put me at ease. We only did paperwork in the morning, then returned at 5:00. As soon as Joe opened the door into the room where Mike's remains lay, I was so glad I opted to see him one last time. He looked so good and as if he was peacefully sleeping. To me he actually looked better than he has for a long while. Hugh thought so also. It gave me such joy to be able to see him without a phone screen or a door between us one last time. Many thanks to the Joseph McMillan Funeral Home for taking away the stress of a difficult time.

Today my friend, Nancy, and I drove to Appomattox to pick up Mike's personal items. I have such heartfelt gratitude for Appomattox Health & Rehab Center staff. They have loved and cared for Mike well over the past two and a half years. I told them I will have to come back when this pandemic is over so that I can hug each one of them. The director called me tonight and shared how much they loved having Mike and how hard losing him has been on the staff. We shared memories and cried together. I definitely have the feeling that it's a big family to them, not just a job. These truly are heroes to many families and their loved ones. 

Running in Heaven

To our faithful friends and family:

At 8:05 p.m. tonight Mike drew his last breath on this earth and went to be with his Savior, Jesus Christ. We rejoice that Mike is free at last from his broken mind and body and imagine him running in heaven. It makes me think of the song of the lame man who was healed by Jesus "he was walking and leaping and praising God!" 

We learned on Christmas Eve that Mike had tested positive for Covid-19, but up until this morning, he only had some congestion. About 10:30 this morning I received a call from the speech therapist who told me that Mike was in a much weakened state this morning and was not able to swallow. His oxygen levels were dropping and he was not doing well. Thankfully he was not in distress and was very calm. I was concerned at how they would keep him comfortable if he couldn't swallow or breathe. The speech therapist said an end-of-life gift from God is that when the body cannot take sustenance it goes into a euphoric state. That is a gift indeed.

Later I spoke with the on-call doctor and he prescribed a couple of medications that could be used if Mike showed signs of pain or agitation. I knew from having gone through this with my Dad, that we were drawing close to his death. Around 3:00 the speech therapist, Keegan and I were able to video together. Caleb was driving home from work, but was able to talk to Mike, so at least Mike heard his voice and Caleb could tell him he loved him and was praying for him. Mike was very calm, calmer than usual, and really focused on the phone screen. Later in our video session he reached for the phone and was trying to say something. We told him we loved him and were trying to touch him through the phone also. We assured him all was OK and we prayed he would be with Jesus soon. 

About 7:30 I received a call from Mike's night nurse. Mike was declining rapidly. He was on oxygen and they were giving him the maximum they could give, but he was still not getting what he needed. He was "air hungry" which she said was a fancy way to say he was gasping for air. Yet, she said he was not in distress. She said he looked like he had given up the fight and was happy. I suppose he was in the euphoric state and possibly already seeing Jesus welcoming him to his eternal home. 

We spoke again at 8:25. She said Mike passed peacefully with her and two CNA's by his side. I am so thankful that he was not alone. I know that God was with him, but it's also comforting to know that he had human touch also, since I could not be by his side and holding his hand. 

I am forever grateful to all of the staff at Appomattox Health & Rehab Center. They have truly been wonderful and loved on Mike and me as if we were their very own family. Both the speech therapist and the nurse let me talk and ask questions without feeling that they were in a hurry while I know they had much to do. I praise God for leading us there. 

Right now we are not planning to have a Memorial service until sometime in the summer of 2021. Mike really disliked the cold and with the pandemic it's not a good time. His birthday is in August, summer was his favorite season, and the beach was his favorite place to be. We'll decide about the memorial service later, but at some point after that our family will take his ashes and release them in the ocean. I know it has not all sunk in yet, but I am so glad to know that Mike's spirit is already released and he is whole once more in his heavenly body.  He is at peace. 

My brother-in-law shared this with me tonight and it is comforting:

"...his Spirit soars with wings like eagles and according to Eccl 12:7 we know that while the body returns to the dust from whence it came, the Spirit returns to God, Who gave it."

Run and soar with God, Mike, for you are confined no more. I Love You!

Christmas 2020

Christmas 2020 has come and gone. For us it was quite different, but very special in its own way. Knowing that we would not have any extra family here, we planned ahead to make the most of it. Mom and I watched several good movies or Christmas shows. My favorites were "The Nativity Story",  "Christmas with The Chosen" and "The Christmas Oranges". I planned a simple and easy meal, did very little baking and stuffed both Mom's stocking and my own 😄. (Stockings have always been one of my favorite things!) My brother, Hugh, came in and stayed for an hour or so while we opened gifts and one by one he got our sisters on FaceTime so we could say Merry Christmas and see what they were doing. Mike's sister, Lynn, had scheduled a Zoom "meeting" for the Rice side of the family, so after breakfast I enjoyed seeing them and my mom-in-law and catching up on their lives.

Earlier in the morning I had videoed with Keegan's family and enjoyed being part of their morning celebration of reading and acting out Luke 2 and opening some of their gifts. I plan to go to NC later in January to have my Christmas with the grand-girls. On Christmas Eve I enjoyed videoing with Caleb's family as Watson celebrated his 6th birthday. I am super thankful for technology right now. It makes the distance seem smaller. 

On the Tuesday before Christmas I went to see Mike. We still have to visit through-the-door and it is not very satisfying; honestly, I'd rather see him through the phone - at least he seems to be more attentive that way. As they were wheeling him to the door, he was taking off his mask. They put a microphone on the outside door handle and ran the wire between the double doors and put the earpiece in Mike's ear. He took it out almost immediately. He ommed and rocked gently back and forth in his wheelchair the entire time and after about 5-10 minutes of trying to talk with him or tell him things about the children or grands, I didn't know if he could even hear me, felt discouraged and sad and left. He shows no signs of understanding, or that he is listening, or seeing me - nothing, no recognition or change from the omming and rocking. I can't touch him or do anything for him and he cannot interact with me. It is so sad.

I didn't know it then, but he was tested for COVID-19 that day. On Christmas Eve afternoon, I received a call from the director that Mike had tested positive along with 17 other residents. That's a huge jump after going almost 9 months and only having 4 residents and 10 staff test positive in all that time. Most of the 18 current cases are asymptomatic. Seems strange, but I guess it is a strange virus. Mike has some congestion and I spoke with a nurse this afternoon and that's still all he has and it is not getting any worse. He is prone to chest congestion anyway, so evidently he doesn't seem any different from his usual lung issues so far. They did have to make a "hot" unit and moved all the Covid positive residents to one hall so Mike is there. If he gets worse, they will do what they can to make him comfortable, but we've already agreed there would be no extreme measures taken. Mike loves Jesus and in his current state, it would be a blessing for him to go to his heavenly home, but only God knows when that will be. He has certainly survived so much in the past 8 years and 7 months. 

My Mom is in a slow decline of mind and body. The Parkinson's takes a bit more of her every week, it seems. One of the blessings of a different Christmas is that my sisters have come at different times. It really has been sweet to have time with each of them and especially nice for Mom since I think when we're all together it is a bit chaotic and loud, plus hard to really visit individually. (Mostly because we are so busy either cooking or cleaning up from eating!) Having them here gives me a break from the 24/7 caregiving and I enjoy spending time and talking with them. 

Christmas Eve was a very rainy day, but Mom really wanted to go to the Christmas Eve Candlelight service which surprised me, but was wonderful because I really wanted to go too. Hugh picked us up and the Lord blessed us by holding off the rain as we got Mom into the car and out of the car both going and coming. It was a very small gathering, but a beautiful service at our sister church, Rocky Hill. What a blessing to do something that felt normal although we wore masks and couldn't hug anyone. The church was so pretty in the candlelight with the nativity scene, tree, and bright poinsettias. 

I actually sat down Christmas Eve and spent probably an hour writing a post, but it was not coming together and didn't feel right, so I abandoned it and didn't post anything. However, part of what I wrote I do want to share. This Christmas season, more than any other, I determined to focus on Jesus' birth with joy. The temptation to let all that was not going to occur rob this season of joy was not going to be an option. Feeling depressed makes me miserable. That is not why Jesus came. He came to bring joy, light, life and peace. As I set on a path to enjoy this Christmas, God met me at every turn and prepared me for the news of Mike also. 

God with us. Immanuel. That became the theme over and over again. God is with me. God is with Mike. God is with Mom. God is with Mike's Mom. God is with our children and our grands. God came to earth in the form of a baby to be with us. How amazing is that!? Nothing can change the fact that God is with us. God is sufficient. All the rest is great and wonderful, but God is who we need. God sent His son to us, ordinary people, like shepherds. God sees and cares and loves. God with us. Always. Let that sink deep into your soul. 

I hope you had a joyous Christmas celebrating Jesus' birth and will will have a joyous New Year and 2021 remembering that God is with us no matter what may come.

Matthew 1:23

“Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son,

    and they shall call his name Immanuel”

(which means, God with us).