Unexpected Gifts & Tears

Beautiful bouquet from Amy's 
parents was awaiting me when
I arrived in NC.

Free bouquet when I was checking
out from Food Lion one day.

God has provided the gift of beautiful flowers in unexpected ways from friends and Food Lion! I appreciate them and have enjoyed them so much! Thank you!

Grief is an odd thing, a sort of bittersweet gift. I really thought I had already grieved Mike throughout the years since his accident and I had, but his death has brought about a whole new and different level of grief. Throughout the 8+ years after his accident, I had grieved the loss of his personality, his normal, the energetic guy I knew and loved, talking with Mike, not just to Mike. Over the years it seemed I lost a little bit more of him ever so slowly. Yet, as long as he was still alive and up until Covid put us all on lock-down, I could still be with him, touch him, do little things for him, and there was hope. Hope that God would still do a miracle and heal his damaged brain, hope that I would wake up beside him once again, hope that he would get to play with his grandchildren and relate with our sons as adults and get to know their wives. All those hopes died with Mike. Death was a final taking of Mike - physically he is gone now as well. I will no longer see him or touch him on this earth.  Not that I would want him back the way he was; I rejoice that he is free and whole and with Jesus. Yet, grief comes.

The night Mike died, the nurse asked me what I wanted them to do with all of his clothes and personal belongings. I told her if there was someone there who could use his clothes then I'd like to give them away. We had bought him new things for Christmas, but I doubt he had even had a chance to wear them. The rest of his things were packed up and I picked them up the next week. After-the-fact, there were 3 things I wished the boys or I had: one of Mike's OSU t-shirts, his orange jacket and his old leather Bible.  I was fairly certain Keegan already had Mike's Bible, but needed to check because it was not in the box of Mike's things. For some reason I thought his orange jacket was there, but when we Zoomed with the family one night that week and I said something about it, Caleb said: "I have that jacket, you gave it to me last Fall!" Yay! I was so pleased. I don't know exactly why I suddenly had an attachment to that jacket, except that Mike wore it a lot right before his accident and there are several photos with him wearing it. 

That left the t-shirt. I had not asked for one and I was not going to go back and ask for something that had already been given to someone else, but the want of one would cycle through my mind from time to time. On February 4, almost exactly one month from his death, I received a small package in the mail from Appomattox Health & Rehab. When I opened it, there was one of Mike's OSU t-shirts with a little sticky note that said: "We found this treasure in laundry". Tears came as I looked in amazement at what God had done. He heard the desire of my heart and through the kindness of the AH&RC staff who were listening to the prompting of His Spirit, I received one of Mike's old, worn shirts. Included in the package was a precious note from one of the staff. On the outside directly under the printed words "Thank You" was another sticky note that said "for the privilege of loving & knowing Michael..." She wrote about how much they missed him and that they were grieving with me. I gathered up that note and the t-shirt and went to my room and sobbed all over it. To me that OSU t-shirt was a precious gift from the hand of God to my aching heart. Even though I didn't realize I needed them, tears are a gift of grief and provide a much-needed release.

Grief hits at unexpected times and from unexpected sources. This past week I was driving in my car and listening to music through Pandora. A song I had heard before, but wasn't real familiar with came on and the words went right to my grief spot and gentle tears flowed with the beautiful words and melody. I came home and looked it up. It's a song by Lifehouse called "Where You Are" and I found it on YouTube. You can listen to it here: https://youtu.be/TG4zXE0_7yA . The writer captures the feelings of grief so well and I could closely identify with missing the sunshine on Mike's face and the little things that I didn't realize would mean so much to me. (Like an old t-shirt, certain gestures, his laugh.) However the song says "wherever you are" and I know where Mike is. He loved God's son, Jesus, and through faith had trusted Him; therefore the Bible assures me that Mike is with His Savior and Lord. That is why even in the midst of grief and tears there is great joy also. 

Ephesians 2:8-9

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; 

it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast."

I John 2:23-25

"No one who denies the Son has the Father. Whoever confesses the Son has the Father also. Let what you heard from the beginning abide in you. If what you heard from the beginning abides in you, then you too will abide in the Son and in the Father. And this is the promise that he made to us - eternal life."