Unexpected Gifts & Tears

Beautiful bouquet from Amy's 
parents was awaiting me when
I arrived in NC.

Free bouquet when I was checking
out from Food Lion one day.

God has provided the gift of beautiful flowers in unexpected ways from friends and Food Lion! I appreciate them and have enjoyed them so much! Thank you!

Grief is an odd thing, a sort of bittersweet gift. I really thought I had already grieved Mike throughout the years since his accident and I had, but his death has brought about a whole new and different level of grief. Throughout the 8+ years after his accident, I had grieved the loss of his personality, his normal, the energetic guy I knew and loved, talking with Mike, not just to Mike. Over the years it seemed I lost a little bit more of him ever so slowly. Yet, as long as he was still alive and up until Covid put us all on lock-down, I could still be with him, touch him, do little things for him, and there was hope. Hope that God would still do a miracle and heal his damaged brain, hope that I would wake up beside him once again, hope that he would get to play with his grandchildren and relate with our sons as adults and get to know their wives. All those hopes died with Mike. Death was a final taking of Mike - physically he is gone now as well. I will no longer see him or touch him on this earth.  Not that I would want him back the way he was; I rejoice that he is free and whole and with Jesus. Yet, grief comes.

The night Mike died, the nurse asked me what I wanted them to do with all of his clothes and personal belongings. I told her if there was someone there who could use his clothes then I'd like to give them away. We had bought him new things for Christmas, but I doubt he had even had a chance to wear them. The rest of his things were packed up and I picked them up the next week. After-the-fact, there were 3 things I wished the boys or I had: one of Mike's OSU t-shirts, his orange jacket and his old leather Bible.  I was fairly certain Keegan already had Mike's Bible, but needed to check because it was not in the box of Mike's things. For some reason I thought his orange jacket was there, but when we Zoomed with the family one night that week and I said something about it, Caleb said: "I have that jacket, you gave it to me last Fall!" Yay! I was so pleased. I don't know exactly why I suddenly had an attachment to that jacket, except that Mike wore it a lot right before his accident and there are several photos with him wearing it. 

That left the t-shirt. I had not asked for one and I was not going to go back and ask for something that had already been given to someone else, but the want of one would cycle through my mind from time to time. On February 4, almost exactly one month from his death, I received a small package in the mail from Appomattox Health & Rehab. When I opened it, there was one of Mike's OSU t-shirts with a little sticky note that said: "We found this treasure in laundry". Tears came as I looked in amazement at what God had done. He heard the desire of my heart and through the kindness of the AH&RC staff who were listening to the prompting of His Spirit, I received one of Mike's old, worn shirts. Included in the package was a precious note from one of the staff. On the outside directly under the printed words "Thank You" was another sticky note that said "for the privilege of loving & knowing Michael..." She wrote about how much they missed him and that they were grieving with me. I gathered up that note and the t-shirt and went to my room and sobbed all over it. To me that OSU t-shirt was a precious gift from the hand of God to my aching heart. Even though I didn't realize I needed them, tears are a gift of grief and provide a much-needed release.

Grief hits at unexpected times and from unexpected sources. This past week I was driving in my car and listening to music through Pandora. A song I had heard before, but wasn't real familiar with came on and the words went right to my grief spot and gentle tears flowed with the beautiful words and melody. I came home and looked it up. It's a song by Lifehouse called "Where You Are" and I found it on YouTube. You can listen to it here: https://youtu.be/TG4zXE0_7yA . The writer captures the feelings of grief so well and I could closely identify with missing the sunshine on Mike's face and the little things that I didn't realize would mean so much to me. (Like an old t-shirt, certain gestures, his laugh.) However the song says "wherever you are" and I know where Mike is. He loved God's son, Jesus, and through faith had trusted Him; therefore the Bible assures me that Mike is with His Savior and Lord. That is why even in the midst of grief and tears there is great joy also. 

Ephesians 2:8-9

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; 

it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast."

I John 2:23-25

"No one who denies the Son has the Father. Whoever confesses the Son has the Father also. Let what you heard from the beginning abide in you. If what you heard from the beginning abides in you, then you too will abide in the Son and in the Father. And this is the promise that he made to us - eternal life."

Mike's Memorial Services - January 23, 2021

We started on Saturday morning, January 23, 2021 in Keegan and Amy's backyard. Just the 6 of us. (plus Brody 😊) We sang a few verses of "Amazing Grace", read Psalm 1, Keegan and I each shared a memory, we sang "I Love You, Lord" and then symbolically sprinkled mulch around a redbud tree that I gave them back in the Fall. It was sweet, simple and special with the grandgirls singing and participating. We also sang Micah 6:8 which was another of Mike's favorite verses.

"He has shown thee, O man, 

what is good and what the Lord

requires of thee.

But to do justly, and to love mercy

and to walk humbly with thy God."

Then we piled in the car and headed to David and Renee's house out in the country. It was a gorgeous, sunny day in the low 40's with a breeze, so it was a bit chilly, but we bundled up well and praised God for a beautiful January day. The dog and ducks greeted us, along with David and Eric, as we arrived and later as we were running/walking the alpacas watched with interest.

It was such a lovely spot by the pond and I think Mike would have been so happy that his memorial service was held outside, in casual attire, followed by a fun run/walk where adults and children were enjoying each other's company while exercising. It truly fit his personality and likes better than the normal/traditional type service. 

Again we read Psalm 1 which was even more fitting now that we were standing beside the water.

Blessed is the person who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,
Nor stand in the path of sinners,
Nor sit in the seat of scoffers!
But his delight is in the Law of the Lord,
And on His Law he meditates day and night.
He will be like a tree planted by streams of water,
Which yields its fruit in its season,
And its leaf does not wither;
And in whatever he does, he prospers.
The wicked are not so,
But they are like chaff which the wind blows away.
Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
Nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
For the Lord knows the way of the righteous,
But the way of the wicked will perish.

Keegan and I both shared how Mike was such a faithful follower of God. How he rose early every morning in order to spend an hour in Bible reading and prayer before he started getting physically ready to go to work. Even after Mike's brain injury the overflow of his heart would spontaneously come out at times when he would ask a passerby "Do you know Jesus?" 

It was a precious time of remembrance. We shared some stories, some laughs and some tears while the wind blew, ducks quacked, children played and giggled, leaves rustled, dogs ran and the sun shone. It was perfect. 

Then we moved from the back yard to the front yard for a beautifully unorganized walk/run where all these precious children of God wholeheartedly jumped in to support us in this way of remembering my husband and Keegan's Dad. The alpacas and mules watched curiously as the dogs, children, and adults went around and around, or this way and that, with much talking, laughing, energy, and fun. 

I love these "kids" who have loved me and supported me through these past TBI years. Most never knew Mike. Even my daughter-in-law, Amy, only met Mike twice before his accident. Mike never had the privilege of really knowing our daughters-in-law or grandchildren nor they him. Yet God provided this extended family whenever I went to visit Keegan and Amy and they truly have loved me well these past years and especially rallied around us on short notice to make this celebration of Mike's life happen and help me with a sense of closure. God is so gracious and pushed us to think outside of the box and then beautifully orchestrated what I think was a perfect celebration of Mike's life. 

Another God-incident and blessing to me was the fact that Mike's memorial was held at David and Renee's. David is the only one of the group who knew Mike for several years before his accident and David always made a point to ask me how Mike was and how I was doing whenever he saw me. That always meant so much to me.  Thank you, David. 

His sweet wife, Renee, offered to provide food for our gathering along with help from others in their church which was so precious also. So after the run and spending time outside with the animals, we enjoyed a delicious meal and fellowship with one another. David hooked up my computer to his big screen TV so that we could project photos from Mike's life. We had sung "Great is Thy Faithfulness" during our time by the pond, but I also wanted to play "Only Jesus" by Casting Crowns so we put that on while the photos were being shown. Keegan said that was his favorite part. Being able to share who his Dad was with his friends by looking at old photos. I'm so thankful for each one of you who came and shared this special memory with us. I don't know who provided what, but you sure did make it easy and special for us. THANK YOU ALL!

My dear friend, Kristin, and her son, McKay, arrived a little later and we enjoyed a walk after lunch. She knew Mike well also, so it was fun to reminisce with her. Other family and friends joined us in the memorial walk wherever they were. Some sent me their photo or posted it on FaceBook or sent me a text telling me what they had done. There was everything from running, walking, cycling, hiking, and wood-chopping as people remembered Mike where they were in our non-traditional, pandemic style memorial. I am grateful to each and everyone. 

As we drove away that Saturday heading back to Keegan and Amy's, my heart was full and I rejoiced in God's goodness to me, to us. Mike had been remembered well, the restlessness in my heart was gone and replaced with a sense of release and peace and joy. The Lord had indeed provided above and beyond what I could have imagined just one short week prior. He abundantly provided what I needed in amazing new ways that fit the memory of my Mike perfectly. What an AWESOME GOD!

Philippians 1:21

"For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain."