Agitation & Understanding

My last 2 visits with Mike have reminded me more of how Mike was when he was home with me, with a few differences. The perseveration is still there, but it's one sound instead of repeating a word or phrase over and over. His walking and determination are stronger lately and he wants to get away. He understands what I am saying, but doesn't really comprehend or understand the "why". 

Last week, the weather wasn't too cold and we walked for a good while outside. Mike really wanted to continue down the road, away from the facility, and it took quite a bit of coaxing and maneuvering to get him to turn around each time. As you can see from the photo, he was so anxious to get outside that he wouldn't let me get his jacket on him. After walking for 10 minutes or so, he calmed down enough so that we got his arms in the sleeves. At one point, we stopped and sat on the deck for a little while and he did answer a few questions. 

At lunch, he seemed to have some trouble chewing his food. "Mike, do your teeth hurt?" NO!  "Do your gums hurt?" NO!  He rubs his head a lot. "Is your head hurting? Do you have pain?" NO! "Does too much noise bother you?" YES!  I was glad to hear a yes so that I knew he could say another word and hopefully it meant that he really wasn't feeling any pain. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about the noise in the facility or even as we sat outside. It's hard to find a quiet spot inside and the road is fairly close outside. Then he blurted out I want to get out of here!  This has been a cry of his heart for almost 7 years. I've shared before about a time when we were walking on the farm and it suddenly dawned on me that he wasn't talking about the location, but his body. He wanted out of his body and mind that didn't function correctly anymore. At that time, I asked him if he meant his body and he responded with a resounding YES!! Recently I shared this with friends who came to visit me and Harrison said: "It's his soul crying out." Yes, yes I believe it is and only God has the power to free him. 

It doesn't matter where he lives physically, his mind and body are trapped by injury. Yet the only way his damaged brain knows how to deal with this is to try to run away physically. I really think he understands so much of what I say, but doesn't have the capacity to understand his own limitations and what other people are trying to do for him. It's hard to explain. Physically, he is able to stand up and walk by himself with the walker, but he doesn't initiate that movement. In some ways this is good, because if he did, he would be trying to walk out of the door or he may fall. Often he will NOT walk with the staff, this is not a good thing because he needs the physical activity and sleeps better at night. His incontinence makes him uncomfortable, but he is not able to communicate that he needs to go or needs to be changed. He doesn't like being dirty, but he resists being cleaned up. He used to cooperate with me to shave him or help brush his teeth, but now it's a struggle. His mind simply doesn't work right. 

It is so sad and I have to remember all of the above and that there truly is nothing I can do to help him get away. I have been reading the Bible to him and trying to sing, but his agitation is great right now and I cannot tell if he is listening or even hearing. The only thing that really seems to calm the agitation is walking, especially outside. 

Yesterday was cold and very windy so we walked the halls several times. Each time we came to a door, we faced off about not going outside. The first couple of times I had to force him to turn around, but the last few times I gave verbal cues and he turned around himself. That's how I know he understands, at least somewhat. I also know that if his mind were working correctly, he would do everything possible to cooperate and get better and he would be talking with people. Mike always loved being with people and talking! Plus, he liked noise. I was the one who liked silence, at times. He never did. 

As always, thank you for your thoughts and prayers for us. We appreciate you and need the prayers. God works through the prayers of his people and I know you are a huge part of our story. Thank you for "holding our arms up" in this battle to stay strong on a field of suffering and separation. We love you.

Exodus 17:11&12

Whenever Moses held up his hand, Israel prevailed,

and whenever he lowered his hand, Amalek prevailed. 

But Moses' hands grew weary, so they took a stone and put it under him, 

and he sat on it, while Aaron and Hur held up his hands, 

one on one side, and the other on the other side. 

So his hands were steady until the going down of the sun.